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Accept Jokes

127 accept jokes and hilarious accept puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about accept that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Accept Short Jokes

Short accept jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The accept humour may include short approve jokes also.

  1. Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found. Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.
  2. When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back
  3. Why will the American people never convert to the metric system? Because they'll never accept a foreign ruler.
  4. You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it? Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.
  5. I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.
  6. When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.
  7. What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common? Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.
  8. Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies? They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.
  9. When bill gates donates 30% of his net worth He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.
  10. So I recently came into a large sum of money... ...and then the cashier wouldn't accept it.

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Accept One Liners

Which accept one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with accept? I can suggest the ones about deny and receipt.

  1. Denial, anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance Saturday, Sunday
  2. I couldn't accept that I was both gay and dyslexic I was in Daniel
  3. When Chuck Norris updates Windows ...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions
  4. Why was Santa hacked? Because he accepts all the cookies.
  5. The fat acceptance movement is the only movement... without any movement
  6. I recently came into a large sum of money. Now it's all sticky and no one will accept it.
  7. Is it acceptable to dip bread into a curry? Asking for my naan.
  8. Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal? Do not accept if seal is broken.
  9. Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
  10. What country does not accept cash or credit cards? The Czech Republic
  11. What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
  12. I accept that my son is only average at school... ...he means well.
  13. I wish our Congress was made up of vending machines So they would accept change
  14. I knew the psychic was a fraud the second she accepted my check
  15. I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm I'm the CIEIO

Accept joke, I just accepted a senior management position on the old MacDonald farm

Happy Accept Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends

What funny jokes about accept you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean attend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make accept pranks.

Discussing with a woman is like reading software license terms.

In the end you ignore everything and click on "accept".

k**... Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux k**....
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux k**.... I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

I came into some wealth recently,

but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.

I was staying in an Hotel

Last night I was staying in an hotel, trying to get some sleep after a long day of travel, meetings, and work.
I kept getting woken up by a woman screaming at me and beating on the door of the room.

She just wouldn't stop, I tried to ignore her as best I could but I finally came to accept the fact, after a few hours, if I wanted to get any sleep, I would have to let her out.

A physics professor and his assistant...

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

My brother took being sent to prison really badly.

He was yelling and screaming, took off his clothes, and would not accept any food from anyone.
That was the last time we played monopoly.

One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

I've accepted that my brother is never paying back that money I loaned him...

I've lost interest, and I'm just giving up on the principal.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they don't change light bulbs, they accept them the way they are.

How many homophobes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. They don't accept change, even if it means a brighter world.

My Acceptance Speech

"I would like to thank my arms, for always being by my side. My legs, for always supporting me, as best they could. As for my fingers, well I could always count on them. And finally my hips, for they never lied."

Two Syrian refugees land in America...

They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up t**...!"

Why was Germany able to accept so many refugees so quickly?

They already had all the camps set up.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church.

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends meet again in front of the same church, and one of them confides to the other: "I still wonder if that offer is serious." the other replies condescendingly: "Ah you Jews, all you think about is money!"

The Pun Competition

A man enters a pun competition in his local newspaper. They will accept more than one entry if sent in separately, so the man writes out 10 puns and mails them off. A week later he opens the newspaper to see if any of his puns won. Unfortunately *no pun in ten did*.

The wife told her husband

"look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"

I wanted to upload the Mexico-Chile game to PornHub...

... but PornHub said they don't accept r**....

A Professor Calls "Pencils Down"

A professor calls pencils down and one students keeps writing.
When the student goes to turn in his exam, the professor tells him "l'm not going to accept this, you didn't put your pencil down when I said to."
"Do you have any idea who I am?" The student says, snobbily.
"I don't have the slightest idea who you are and I don't care," the professor retorted.
"Good." The student replied as he slipped his exam into the middle of the stack and walked away.

I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

What's the difference between a woman and a PC from 1995?

A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

Kids are like farts

You only accept them if they're yours

I walked into a singles bar and spotted a gorgeous female at the bar. "Would you like to play on my twenty foot o**...?" I asked her.

She coyly replied "Sure let's go".
You should have seen the look on her face when I brought her to my church and asked her to accept Jesus into her heart.

I tried to donate blood to the Red Cross the other day...

...but they wouldn't accept it in a 5 gallon bucket.
They also said it had to be mine.

I challenge you to a battle of wits at high noon! Do you accept?

Yes you say?! Well consider yourself mentally challenged.

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

BREAKING NEWS: Donald Trump does not accept presidential election...

Says he doesn't want to move into an estate which previously had black tenants.

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river...

He's still in the Nile.

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

I almost accepted a job as a museum historian

but then I realized there's no future in it.

I was walking down the road and a man offered me a free sofa and chairs.

I said no because my mother always told me not to accept suites from strangers.

I want to join an anxiety club...

But I'm afraid they won't accept me.

A man goes to mcdonalds and orders a big mac with a large fry.

The cashier says, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit."

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

It takes a big man to accept when he is wrong

It takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

What do you call a dinosaur that doesn't accept its gender?

A Tranasaurus Rex

How many fat activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The lightbulb is beautiful the way it is. Society needs to change and learn to accept and stop shaming lightbulbs that don't conform to its standards.

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honour."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?"

Jack the Ripper's reasons for killing h**... was pretty understandable.

They wouldn't accept him into their ranks as Jack the Stripper.

I'm picky about who I accept h**... from.

Some people just rub me the wrong way.

Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods...

It could be spam.

Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

What banks are the most sexist?

s**... banks cause they only accept deposits from men

My local police station were looking for a r**...

I gave them my resume but they didn't accept me

A constipated man robs a toy store

He proceeds to take everything from the store, accept for the teddy bears.
Why did he not take the bears?
He couldn't take a Pooh.

If somebody offered me a coin flip to either get 10 million dollars or instantly die, I'd accept in a heartbeat. A 50 percent chance to solve all my problems would be amazing!

And even if I lost the flip, I'd still get some money.

My son kept begging for a present, so I went to the store and got a XBox for him.

I was shocked that they accept kids as payment.

I met a Chinese guy at a party and told him, Do I know you? Are you Chris Chen?

He said, No. I'm Eric. Do all Asian guys look the same to you?
Me: No, I meant do you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.

Did you hear about the Egyptian who refused to accept that he was drowning?

He was in denial

A strange man told me that he would give me 1 million dollars, but the person I loathed most in the world would get 1 billion dollars. He asked if I would accept?

"Easy," I replied, "Of course I'll take it."
"I'm just not sure what I'm going to do with 1.001 billion dollars"

It already wasn't easy to accept that my father is gay. But it was even more difficult when I eventually discovered that...

...my other father is too.

Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your b**... and graft it onto a buddy?

a**... skin for a friend.

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I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

How many seconds in a year joke

a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in

How much is a circumcision

Nothing, they only accept tips

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Why did I accept a job at a bakery?

I kneaded the dough.

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the p**...-taking b**....

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?

When it's a snowman's nose!!

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because Jesus will protect me he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. Jesus, why didn't you protect me!?
Jesus responded, First I put lockdowns in place, then I got you a mask. When that didn't work I created a vaccine, and still you refused... what more do you want from me?

A man receives a message from a neighbour....

Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital
The next day he receives another message:

"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".

I was on a diabetes awareness website...

It asked if I accept cookies. Definitely a trick question!

I saw a sign at McDonald's, it said,"We do not accept bills over $20."

Trust me, if I had more than $20, I wouldn't be eating at McDonald's.

I got fired from my job as a cashier today...

This customer walked in, picked up something from the counter, walked up to the till and said, "I'd like to pay for a Bagel with Cream Cheese.."
I told him clearly, "I'm sorry sir, we only accept cash or credit"

A man receives a message from a neighbor...

"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.
The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir for spelling mistake, it's not a wife but wifi".

A professor was starting to read and grade the immense stack of term papers on his desk....

....when a young man approached his desk.
Here's my paper, sir, said the student.
I'm sorry, young man. That paper was due yesterday, and I do not accept late submissions.
Well, excuse me, sir, the student said, haughtily. Do you know who I am?
No, I do not, replied the professor.
Good! the student answered gleefully, as he hastily stuck his paper into the middle of the stack and beat a hasty retreat.

Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

Waiter: I'm sorry we only accept cash.

Accept joke, Customer: I would like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

jokes about accept