academy Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious academy puns

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

"The sky's the limit for you".

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A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

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The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

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A Mother's Day joke.

A recruit at a police academy is asked some difficult questions when it comes to the job. He is asked,

"If you pulled over your mother, and had to arrest her, what would you do?"

The recruit replies, "I'd call for backup"

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My Dad's Best Joke - Not a dad joke

My dad was enjoying a smoke break during an in-service training at the police academy. He had taken to smoking Misty cigarettes. A friend from a neighboring police force asked him why he was smoking such a feminine cigarette.

"Well, Kay went out to get something out of my cruiser the other day, and found a pack of these between the seats. I had to tell her I'd switched."

"Oh... Are they any good?"

"They're not bad, but these thong panties keep riding up my ass."

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Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

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Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.

Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?

No, Plato replied. But if you play a few bars, I may be able to pick it up.

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The suicide bombing instructor

It's 2:00 PM at the suicide bomber's academy. The instructor walks into the classroom to address the students:

"Kids, I know you're just back from lunch, and I know you're feeling a bit tired. But please pay very close attention, cause I'm only going to show you this once..."

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No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down the ship while he sat on the deck, drinking a beer. After a few minutes, a particularly spunky recruit walked over to him and asked him, "Why do we have to tie down the whole ship, while you're sitting here doing Jack shit?!" The captain slowly stood up, towering over the seaman. "Because that's my job." Defiantly, the sailor responded, "Oh yeah?" The captain replied, "Yeah. I shit, you knot."

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And the Academy Award for Best Sound Editing goes too...

A Quiet Place.

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Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

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The more you read, the better it gets.

A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"

The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."

The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's stupid when he's drunk."

This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Did you know some dogs don't pass the Police Academy?

...they didn't pass the pawlygraph test.

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Plato and Aristotle were in the music room at the Academy

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a violin in his hands.

Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?

No, Plato replied. But if you play a few bars, I may be able to pick it up.

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What's the difference between the Academy Awards and the Paralympics

In the Paralympics Blade Runner is an Oscar winning performance

(I realise this joke is now three years too late)

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My friend went to this really prestigious, super expensive prep academy.

I mean these kids are so rich they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

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The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

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I'm graduating from the Pirate Academy!

I'm majoring in getting the booty.

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It's a shame "Fantastic Mr. Fox" didn't win the Academy Award for best animated feature.

There were too many *Up* votes.

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Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:
"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:
"BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG"

The Cop from Japan answered:
"Disarm the man and arrest him using any form of martial arts that is best suited"

The Cop from Canada answered:
"Please put the knife down."

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Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards?

He was Leonardo DiCapitated.

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An atheist orphan receives an Academy Award.

"I have no one to thank, but myself."

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I heard they gave the Academy Award for best picture to the wrong cast.

They must have been in La La Land.

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I'm producing a condensed, Cliffnotes-style, version of the 1994 Best Picture winner from the Academy Awards

I'm calling it Schindler's Gist.

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A Marine and an Ensign take a piss

They finish around the same time. The Marine goes to the sink, but the Ensign heads for the door.

"Hey, you," the Marine says, "You went through four years at the Naval Academy and they never taught you to wash your hands?"

The Ensign replies, "You went through six years of high school and never learned to piss without getting it on your hands?"

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What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards?

Vanilla, because it's all white.

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I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

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The Academy Awards have introduced a new category for the upcoming Oscars ceremony.

"Best Acting for shocked response to Weinstein revelations" is full of very competitive entries .

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Khan academy doesn't teach you how to make bombs!wtf

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Where did the belly button go to school?

The Navel Academy

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Lego are making an Academy Awards set.

It's star studded.

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What do you call a marine animal who under-performs at the vegetable academy?

A C-cucumber.

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Why did the dyslexic police academy applicant get shot when he showed up for an interview?

He let the Captain know he was an aspiring POC on his cover letter.

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This High Flying 2009 film from Pixar studios won Best Animated Feature at the 82nd Academy Awards.

"What's 'Up', Alex?"

"Not much, what's up with you?"

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Why can't Darth Vader go back to the Jedi Academy?

Cause then he'd be The Master-Vader

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What are the most funny Academy jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Academy? Well, here are the best Academy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Academy pick up lines to share with friends.

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