Academy Jokes

What are some Academy jokes?

What do they tell people who flunk out of astronaut academy?

"The sky's the limit for you".

A Fencing instructor came back to the academy after a well deserved holiday

Only to find that the relief instructor had been teaching his students nothing else but to parry and counter.

Apparently all the sub could do was riposte.

The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

A Mother's Day joke.

A recruit at a police academy is asked some difficult questions when it comes to the job. He is asked,

"If you pulled over your mother, and had to arrest her, what would you do?"

The recruit replies, "I'd call for backup"

Why did the Psychic Academy only order large and small T-shirts?

Because they already had plenty of mediums.

Plato and Aristotle were in the music room of the Academy in Athens.

Plato was at the piano, and Aristotle was holding a small lute in his hands.

Plato, do you know the unpredictability and exactitude of ethics and reflective philosophical hermeneutics require phronesis as an ontological counterpoint to peripatetic conjecture?

No, Plato replied. But if you play a few bars, I may be able to pick it up.

The suicide bombing instructor

It's 2:00 PM at the suicide bomber's academy. The instructor walks into the classroom to address the students:

"Kids, I know you're just back from lunch, and I know you're feeling a bit tired. But please pay very close attention, cause I'm only going to show you this once..."

And the Academy Award for Best Sound Editing goes too...

A Quiet Place.

Breaking Celebrity News! Academy Award winning Actor, Simmons, and children's book Author, Rowling, eloped earlier today.

JK

The more you read, the better it gets.

A man was driving down the road when a police officer pulls him over. "Congratulations," says the police man. "You've won $500 in a safety contest for wearing your seat belt. What are you going to do with the money?"

The driver says, "Oh, I'm probably going to go to the driver's academy and get my license."

The woman in the passenger seat says, "Oh, don't mind him. He's stupid when he's drunk."

This wakes up the person sitting in the backseat, who says "Oh darn, I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then a voice from the trunk says in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

My friend went to this really prestigious, super expensive prep academy.

I mean these kids are so rich they hire hitmen to do their school shootings.

What's the difference between the Academy Awards and the Paralympics

In the Paralympics Blade Runner is an Oscar winning performance

(I realise this joke is now three years too late)

Did you know some dogs don't pass the Police Academy?

...they didn't pass the pawlygraph test.

The Jewish Kid at the Catholic School

A Jewish family just moved into a new town because of the fathers work and are looking for a good school for their son to attend. Since the public schools are notoriously terrible, they look to the private schools. After asking around, they learn that St. John's Academy is by far their best option. The boy is a great student and does well in every subject. Except math. Year after year he fails math. His parents are confused because he is such an excellent student in all other subjects. They even get him a tutor, but he continues to fail.
A few years later, they move again. Another new school. But this time it is a public school. He passes math the first semester with an A. His parents ask him why math had been so hard for him at St. John's.
He replied "Well in the classroom they had a picture of a guy nailed to a plus sign and I couldn't focus because I thought I was next!"

What did Hitler say when he got rejected by the Academy of Fine Arts?

Mein Crafts!

It's a shame "Fantastic Mr. Fox" didn't win the Academy Award for best animated feature.

There were too many *Up* votes.

Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:
"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:
"BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG"

The Cop from Japan answered:
"Disarm the man and arrest him using any form of martial arts that is best suited"

The Cop from Canada answered:
"Please put the knife down."

I'm graduating from the Pirate Academy!

I'm majoring in getting the booty.

What would it be called if the Umbrella Academy had another sibling, and then triplets, but one of them was taller than the other 2?

2 number 9's and a number 9 large.

Did you hear about the man who cut his own head off after the Academy Awards?

He was Leonardo DiCapitated.

An atheist orphan receives an Academy Award.

"I have no one to thank, but myself."

I'm producing a condensed, Cliffnotes-style, version of the 1994 Best Picture winner from the Academy Awards

I'm calling it Schindler's Gist.

I heard they gave the Academy Award for best picture to the wrong cast.

They must have been in La La Land.

What is the official ice cream flavor of the Academy Awards?

Vanilla, because it's all white.

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