Abusive Jokes

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

How can you tell my parents are abusive?

Beats me

Why is my father so abusive?

Beats me

I've been in an abusive relationship for months now and I can't seem to get out of it. Someone show me what I'm doing wrong.

Everytime I hit her, she keeps coming back.

How I got out of an abusive marriage

I stopped hitting my wife

After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved!

Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.

Two of my favorite jokes by my favorite comedian

"Me and girlfriend..... we're not together anymore. She's got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. Actually, I've heard rumors that he's abusive, which kinda makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat...... and then blame it on her boyfriend."

"My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.
When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head." - Anthony Jeselnik

I'll never forget the Christmas Eve my father went to jail.

It didn't take long before he got violent, abusive, screaming and thrashing around, smearing feces on the walls...

I'll never play Monopoly with him again.

What do you call an abusive pothead?

A weed whacker.

A woman is in an abusive relationship.

She's talking to her friend one day. Her friend asks, "Why do you stay with him?" She replies, "Beats me!"

What's the difference between a abusive father and a Korean gamer?

Only one will stop beating you

"I've been in 3 emotionally abusive relationships"

Said Dave to his new friend.

"I'm so sorry!"

"Huh. I had them thinking it was their fault as well"

What did the sheep say to her abusive shepherd?

You're herding me.

What does an abusive father and a ghost have in common?

Booze

I know a joke about an abusive dwarf and his tall wife. A little offensive.

But a real knee slapper.

What do you call an abusive mother hen?

An egg beater

I don't know what an abusive relationship means

beats me

Why do i stay in an abusive relationship

Beats me!

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...

... and then blame it on the boyfriend


Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

My dad was a magician, but he also was abusive

He liked to turn 12 packs into domestic violence

How do you know when you're in an abusive relationship?

I don't know, beats me.

What do you call a white guy in an abusive relationship?

Whipped cream.

What did the kid say about his abusive parents?

Beats me

A woman has lived through an abusive relationship with her husband for 10 years.

The husband has beaten her many times over the course of their marriage. Finally, she decides to get a divorce. Everything goes through as normal, and soon she's on her own again. As she is leaving the courthouse, a stranger stops her, having overheard the proceedings.



"What do you want?" the lady asks him.



"I heard of your problems in marriage... let me give you a little piece of advice. If you decide to remarry, do it with a player from the Cleveland Browns," the stranger says.



"Why?



"Isn't it obvious? The Cleveland Browns don't beat anybody."

What do you call a rooster who's abusive to his kids?

An egg beater

Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the funeral, People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the funeral he sang....
" I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone !"

What did the abusive mallard say to his duck wife?

Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack.

A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but

she always keeps her cool.

He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"

"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies

"I don't get it?!" He says

"I use your toothbrush"

A half man half machine, a princess, an animal like boy and a clown are trying to save their friend from her abusive father who is inside her

Teen titans was a great show

What is the difference between an abusive relationship and The Chainsmokers ?

Nothing, The hits keep coming

What do you call a abusive father?

Beats Me?

When it comes to physically abusive relationships...

They are hit or miss

What do you call an abusive vegetable?

Beets me.

How does the abusive parent dance?

To the beat.

Why did the abusive dad's child cry?

Beats me.

I was in an abusive relationship once.

I got out of it as soon as she called the cops.

Why did the the chemistry teacher and the physics teacher break up?

The chemistry teacher was abusive.

What brand of Headphones does an abusive father give to his child on his birthday every year

Beats by Dad

I just left an abusive relationship...

Even though I beat her she still kept making mistakes!

My wife has been seriously verbally abusive throughout our relationship.

I didn't mind so much until doctors found out she had been faking her Tourettes syndrome.

Why did Barley keep dating abusive women?

Because he was a gluten for punishment.

What's the difference between an insult and a traumatized child?

One is used by abrasive people, and the other was also raised by abusive people.

Any man who has an abusive wife

Any man who has an abusive wife, needs to start practicing marital arts.

Why is solar energy abusive on the seaside?

Because it's the sun of a beach

Why did the mob boss write an abusive text?

To send a message.

What did the hungry guy say to his abusive wife?

What is lunch?

Baby don't hurt me.

Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms.

I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.

What sort of condition results in misshapen pupils?

An abusive teacher

My local butcher got fired for being abusive today.

They said he was beating his meat on the job :(

Girl I think you should become a makeup artist.

Said the Abusive Father.

What do you call an abusive calculator?

An Abacuss

The best marriage jokes

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again and that husband failed in bed. Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

We have collected gags that can be used as Abusive pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Abusive, here are one liners and funny Abusive pick up lines.

Joko Jokes