Comedy Abuse Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of s**... assault
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been f**... them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this a**.... Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
A woman stopped me in the street today and told me a joke.
After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child a**...; incestual r**..., tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline.
Something about $10 a month...
Drunk lecture
A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I a**... my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Women don't have to stand for s**... a**...
They can get on their knees as well.
I've been to a mate's f**... today; he drowned last week...
I got a lot of a**... for my floral tribute in the shape of a life belt.
They said it was in bad taste but I think it's what he would have wanted.
I'm a victim of child a**...
Some kid in the park called me ugly
My favorite blonde joke.
A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.
The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m
...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I called the s**... a**... hotline for help.
...Apparently it's only for victims
You can explore abuse arouse reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean abuse verbally dad jokes. There are also abuse puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man gets pulled over by the police...
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable
So that rules out child a**... then....
They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic a**... or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
a**... of police powers.
A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.
The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."
And the cowboy says "What for?"
The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"
A drunk man
A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol a**... & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!
Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver
I only a**... it when I'm drinking
Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the a**... they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone
I mean the battery life alone just blew me away
I thought we had the right to bear arms
but when I got them I was arrested for animal a**...
What do you call it when a man screams at a woman
a**...
What do you call it when a woman screams at a man
Feminism
Irish man arrested for domestic a**...
The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.
"Why do you keep beating her p**...?" asked the police officer.
"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?
It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"
In a stunning case some call an a**... of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap
The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.
In school, we had an assembly on bullying
The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal a**... he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the a**...!' wasn't a suitable answer.
What do you call an orphan who suffers from horrific parental a**...?
A paradox.
Do you support the AAAAA?
You should. The American Association Against the a**... of Acronyms is a worthy cause.
Apparently filling animals with helium is "a**...", pfft
Whatever floats your goat, I guess.
I don't see why Mariah Carey is getting so much a**....
Every year at Times Square someone drops the ball.
After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight
The man died of ab-use
Just got back from a friends f**... who drowned last week.
I got a lot of a**... from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"
I called the a**... hotline and they were so rude to me
They said they only help victims
My wife says I have a problem with alcohol a**....
I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.
When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.
If a Muslim beats his wife,
would it be domestic violence or child a**...?
My dad is a magician
he could turn alcohol into child a**...
If I hit you with a dictionary...
...is it physical or verbal a**...?
Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage
Before marriage: continue reading ↓
Man: I can't wait for the day to come!
Woman: Can I go back on this?
Man: Of course not!
Woman: Do you love me?
Man: Of course!
Woman: Will you cheat on me?
Man: No, why would you have such a thought?
Woman: Will you kiss me?
Man: Of course, more than once!
Woman: Will you ever a**... me?
Man: Never!
Woman: Can I trust you?
Post-marriage: read backwards ↑
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal a**...?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
October is domestic a**... awareness month...
Time to make your significant other aware....
I like to a**... drugs.
Nothing more satisfying than tying up the bottle, smacking it around a bit, and calling it a very naughty pill.
Everyone complains about the a**... of power in America
but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.
My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday.
She said she was tired of the a**..., and couldn't take it anymore.
She's the one who wanted to play Mario Kart.
My wife...
My wife knows the way to the women's a**... center like the back of my hand.
A man brings his wife to his first domestic a**... support group
As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:
"You hittin' that?"
Beer battered fish is just so tragic.
That's alcohol a**...!
New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol a**...
To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!
If you have s**... with a Furry...
It's considered Animal a**....
Morgan Freeman has been accused of s**... a**....
He can't play God anymore. Just a priest.
I am disgusted by the youth of today....
Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of a**... I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
What do you call domestic a**... overseas?
Abusing a broad
Recent reports show that due to the recent losses on the world cup, England is expiriencing an influx of domestic a**..., but hey...
...at least they're beating someone.
2 police officers were called to a domestic a**...,
2 police officers were called to a domestic a**... call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,
they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.
"Captain we have a m**... here"
"what happened?"
"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"
"well, have you arrested her yet?"
"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."
A blonde walks into a bar.
Now the police are here wondering if I a**... my wife.
Serena Williams was fined $17k
Verbal a**... of the umpire: $10,000
Being warned for coaching: $4,000
Breaking her racket: $3,000
Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless
I physically force my dog to watch animal a**... commercials,
just to show him how good he has it.
Great joke about child a**...!
Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.
Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child a**... -
Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
My girlfriend asked me to choke her and hit her during s**... but it makes me feel guilty.
I'm joining the police academy to learn how to a**... and choke someone without being guilty.
What's the worst part about domestic a**... jokes?
The punchline
Tom was stopped by the cops while walking home at 2am the other night.
The cop asked where him where he was going at that time of night. Tom replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" Tom replied, "That would be my wife."
What's the difference between Drugs and kids?
I don't a**... drugs.
I am a very passive agressive person. I always a**... in passive voice. For instance...
"Your a**... will be kicked by me."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.
The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?
The man replies, That would be my wife.
BBC News: The Pope calls for 'action' on s**... a**....
Right after calling Lights, camera...
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
What do you call someone who got fired from the East German secret police for substance a**... ?
An Ex-Stasi
I was at the bank yesterday, and an old lady asked me to help her check her balance...
Spent the night in jail for elder a**... for pushing her down.
A teacher teaches class on drug a**...
He walks into the classroom, draws a big circle and a small circle on the blackboard and asks: What are these?
As nobody answers, he says: The big circle is your eye pupil, when you're clean, and the small circle is your eye pupil, when you're high! If the police see this, they put you in jail…
Then he proceeds to draw a small circle and a big circle and asks: What are these? . Nobody answers…
He points to the small circle and says: This is your a**..., before you go to jail….
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic a**...
>!But I beat her to it.!<
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, h**..., alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."
Just been asked by a group of kids outside the Spar shop if I would get them 20 Richmonds.
Stupidly I agreed and got them a packet.
When I handed them over, I couldn't believe the a**... I got off the cheeky little b**... after doing it!! Told them next time they can get their own sausages!!
C'mon guys don't make fun of Amber Heard's lawyer
He probably gets enough a**... from her as it is
Me: I don't want to ever see you anymore! I won't let you hurt me like this again! a**... is never acceptable!
Trainer: It was one sit-up. You had to do one sit-up.
I caught my friend harassing some electricity...
I told him it was an a**... of power.
I once abused someone with a dictionary...
The judge didn't know whether to charge me with verbal or physical assault
Wife and chair
(In a courtroom, a judge is hearing a case of domestic a**...)
Judge: Mrs. Smith, why did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: (sobbing) I tried not to … but I couldn't lift a table.
My college roommate had this weird habit of yelling at his drugs before he consumed them.
It wasn't nice… to witness substance a**....
I once had an abusive girlfriend.
Her name was Lorraine. Whenever she didn't agree with something I said or did, she would strike me all over the body, but punching me in the eye was most common. That left me with black eyes almost constantly. I had enough. I broke up with her after five months of a**.... I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone.
