abuse Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious abuse puns

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

👍🏼

I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline.

A kid answered, called me a cunt then hung up.

👍🏼

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

👍🏼

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

👍🏼

Elderly man stopped by police.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.

The officer then asks, Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?

The man replies, My wife.

👍🏼

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

👍🏼

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

👍🏼

A Police STOP at 2 AM




An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really?
Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

👍🏼

An old man is pulled over...

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

👍🏼

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

👍🏼

I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

👍🏼

I got stopped by the Police!

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

👍🏼

Police stop old man.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

👍🏼

Lecture

An older man is pulled over by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "My wife."

👍🏼

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

👍🏼

After weeks of abuse from my parents I finally decided to call the Child Abuse Hotline

A kid answered, called me a fat cunt, and told me to fuck off.

👍🏼

An elderly man gets pulled over by the cops...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

👍🏼

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

👍🏼

A man was stopped by the police around 2am...

The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.


The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."


The officer said, "Oh really, and who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"


And the man said "That would be my wife."

👍🏼

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

👍🏼

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

👍🏼

Drunk lecture

A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."

👍🏼

Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

👍🏼

I called the child abuse hotline..

Because I found out EA was fucking my kids.

👍🏼

I've been to a mate's funeral today; he drowned last week...

I got a lot of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a life belt.

They said it was in bad taste but I think it's what he would have wanted.

👍🏼

My dad is a magician

he could turn alcohol into child abuse

👍🏼

A woman stopped me in the street today and told me a joke.

After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child abuse; incestual rape, tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline.

Something about $10 a month...

👍🏼

Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth.

He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find.

A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. Who is it? . Paul. Jesus opens the door. What did you bring, Paul? . Hashish from Morocco.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. Who is it? . It's Mark. Jesus opens the door. What did you bring, Mark? . Cocaine from Colombia.

Another knock. Who is it? . It's Matthew. Jesus opens the door. What did you bring, Matthew? . Heroin from Afghanistan.

This continues for a while, until eventually there is a twelfth knock on the door Who is it? It's Judas. Jesus opens the door. What did you bring, Judas? The DEA, motherfuckers!

👍🏼

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

👍🏼

In a stunning case some call an abuse of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

👍🏼

2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse,

2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,

they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.


"Captain we have a murder here"

"what happened?"

"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"

"well, have you arrested her yet?"


"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."

👍🏼

Abuse of police powers.

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.

The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."

And the cowboy says "What for?"

The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

👍🏼

Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone

I mean the battery life alone just blew me away

👍🏼

If a muslim hits his wife...

Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

👍🏼

A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...

She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.

She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or abuse her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.

She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.

"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.

The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"

Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."

Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"

"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"

👍🏼

What are the most funny Abuse jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Abuse? Well, here are the best Abuse dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Abuse pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes