Abuse Jokes

What are some Abuse jokes?

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week.

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

A man gets pulled over by the police...

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m

...and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied,
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked,
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like PEADO NONCE KIDDY FIDDLER

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

An elderly man is stopped by the police at 1 A.M.

The officer asks where he's going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."

The officer laughs and says, "Oh really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife."

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

Drunk lecture

A cop stops a drunk late at night and asks where he's going. " I'm going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." Slurs the drunk. " Really? who's giving that lecture at one in the morning?" " My wife."

Sometimes it seems like I'm married to my own liver

I only abuse it when I'm drinking

I've been to a mate's funeral today; he drowned last week...

I got a lot of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a life belt.

They said it was in bad taste but I think it's what he would have wanted.

My dad is a magician

he could turn alcohol into child abuse

A woman stopped me in the street today and told me a joke.

After hearing it, I thought it had all the ingredients of a great joke: child abuse; incestual rape, tears, poverty and suffering; but I didn't understand the punchline.

Something about $10 a month...

If I hit you with a dictionary...

...is it physical or verbal abuse?

In a stunning case some call an abuse of power, a local police officer charged his own son with a crime, simply because the kid wouldn't lay down for his nap

The officer said the boy was resisting a rest.

2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse,

2 police officers were called to a domestic abuse call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,

they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.

"Captain we have a murder here"

"what happened?"

"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"

"well, have you arrested her yet?"

"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."

Abuse of police powers.

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.

The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."

And the cowboy says "What for?"

The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

Samsung Gn7 user here. despite all the abuse they're getting I was surprised that it's actually a really great phone

I mean the battery life alone just blew me away

A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...

She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.

She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or abuse her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.

She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.

"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.

The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"

Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."

Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"

"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"

I like to abuse drugs.

Nothing more satisfying than tying up the bottle, smacking it around a bit, and calling it a very naughty pill.

A woman put an ad in on Craigslist

"Want: a man who won't run around on me, a man who won't abuse me, and a man who is great in bed. Please apply in person."

She submitted it and waited a few weeks, but no one came to apply.

Finally, the door bell ran one morning. She went to answer the doorbell and there was a man in a wheelchair who had no arms or legs.

"Please tell me you aren't here from the craigslist ad."

He responded, "Well of course I am! I haven't got any arms so I can't abuse you."

"Well yes, that's true."

"I'm missing legs so I can't run around on you."

Chuckling she added, "Ok ok. But are you good in bed?"

Smirking he said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

In school, we had an assembly on bullying

The teacher spoke about a young gay boy, being bullied because of his sexuality. She spoke in length about his life, and the verbal abuse he suffers. She then asked a question, 'How do you think he takes it?' Apparently, 'Up the arse!' wasn't a suitable answer.

As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me

She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal abuse?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...

Apparently filling animals with helium is "abuse", pfft

Whatever floats your goat, I guess.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday.

She said she was tired of the abuse, and couldn't take it anymore.

She's the one who wanted to play Mario Kart.

My wife...

My wife knows the way to the women's abuse center like the back of my hand.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of sexual abuse.

He can't play God anymore. Just a priest.

I'm a victim of child abuse

Some kid in the park called me ugly

I called the sexual abuse hotline for help.

...Apparently it's only for victims

Jeremy Clarkson has been suspended. He must have done something that even the BBC find inexcusable

So that rules out child abuse then....

Serena Williams was fined $17k

Verbal abuse of the umpire: $10,000

Being warned for coaching: $4,000

Breaking her racket: $3,000

Stealing the moment from Osaka by calling the umpire a thief: Priceless

Recent reports show that due to the recent losses on the world cup, England is expiriencing an influx of domestic abuse, but hey...

...at least they're beating someone.

Pre-marriage vs Post-marriage

Before marriage: continue reading ↓

Man: I can't wait for the day to come!

Woman: Can I go back on this?

Man: Of course not!

Woman: Do you love me?

Man: Of course!

Woman: Will you cheat on me?

Man: No, why would you have such a thought?

Woman: Will you kiss me?

Man: Of course, more than once!

Woman: Will you ever abuse me?

Man: Never!

Woman: Can I trust you?

Post-marriage: read backwards ↑

Beer battered fish is just so tragic.

That's alcohol abuse!

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

Irish man arrested for domestic abuse

The man has been arrested on the same charge 5 times before.

"Why do you keep beating her Paddy?" asked the police officer.

"Well isn't that obvious you idiot?

It is my height and weight advantage coupled with my superior reach and better footwork!"

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

I physically force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

A man brings his wife to his first domestic abuse support group

As they sit down, the man beside him leans over and whispers in his ear:

"You hittin' that?"

Do you support the AAAAA?

You should. The American Association Against the Abuse of Acronyms is a worthy cause.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

A blonde walks into a bar.

Now the police are here wondering if I abuse my wife.

What do you call an orphan who suffers from horrific parental abuse?

A paradox.

If you have sex with a Furry...

It's considered Animal Abuse.

After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight

The man died of ab-use

Great joke about child abuse!

Let me tell you guys before my dad beats me to it.

What do you call it when a man screams at a woman


What do you call it when a woman screams at a man


October is domestic abuse awareness month...

Time to make your significant other aware....

Everyone complains about the abuse of power in America

but at least after the holidays all the lights are taken down.

I don't see why Mariah Carey is getting so much abuse.

Every year at Times Square someone drops the ball.

Women don't have to stand for sexual abuse

They can get on their knees as well.

What do you call domestic abuse overseas?

Abusing a broad

I thought we had the right to bear arms

but when I got them I was arrested for animal abuse

There was a documentary on TV about animal abuse.

I felt lonely watching it by myself, so I made my dog watch it with me.

Whether he wanted to or not.

Two dogs were fighting the other day.

So I called the police to report domesticated abuse.

I called the abuse hotline and they were so rude to me

They said they only help victims

Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child abuse -

Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Why is there no equality in domestic abuse?

Someone always has the upper hand.

If you are not supposed to abuse cough syrup,

Then why does it come with a plastic shot glass?

Why do I make so many spousal abuse jokes?

Well, she's already got all those punchlines on her face.

Arrived home last night to find a man trying to steal my front gate. I didn't abuse him though,

I thought he may take a fence.

So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

So my dad always abused me as a kid...

..but I knew it wasnt his fault. I wasnt gonna abuse him back, I was gonna abuse what made him do that to me.

So thats how I became a raging alcoholic.

R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

I live in a pretty rough area.

The priest at our church had to leave because of a child abuse scandal. He was raped by three kids.

I read the report on the sexual abuse of minors in the Catholic church

It seems that much of the abuse took place in the rectory.

Did you hear about the man who hit my ex?

He gold arrested for animal abuse

My son is Traumatised by Years of Abuse

A bit long of a name maybe, but it fits him perfectly

Nitrous Oxide abuse...

It's not a laughing matter.

Worldwide, millions die from alcohol abuse each year....

It truly is a horrible ginocide.

What did the abused wife say about her husband?

Beats me.

How to make Abuse jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Abuse to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Abuse? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Abuse pick up lines to share with friends.

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