Abstinence Jokes

38 abstinence jokes and hilarious abstinence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about abstinence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Abstinence Short Jokes

Short abstinence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The abstinence humour may include short chastity jokes also.

  1. If your method of birth control is abstinence... ...and you miss a day, you might be in trouble.
  2. Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and abstinence makes the hand grow stronger.
  3. They say it takes 10,000 hours to master something. If that's true I must be a expert at Abstinence. After all, I've been practicing it for over 160,000 hours and counting.
  4. What do you call people who teach their kids to use abstinence as birth control? Grandparents.
  5. What is your preferred type of birth control? "Well, its not preferred, but I practice abstinence."
  6. Why do Republicans push abstinence? They don't want to be the only ones not getting action!
  7. How is God just like a regular man? If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.
  8. Its very important to teach your children about abstinence. It'll only prepare them for when they're married.
  9. It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only s**... education... According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
  10. Cardinal George Pell has just been convicted of child a**... - Just goes to show that abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

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Abstinence One Liners

Which abstinence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with abstinence? I can suggest the ones about sobriety and withdrawal.

  1. I once threw an abstinence party... And no one came.
  2. Abstinence... Makes the church grow fondlers.
  3. What do you call it when you refuse to do core workouts? Abstinence.
  4. So I went to an abstinence conference the other day... All we did was wait
  5. abstinence is the only 100% effective birth control Tell that to Jesus' mom.
  6. What do you call parents who teach abstinence only? Grandma and grandpa.
  7. What do you call an abstinent camel? Humphrey
  8. Did you hear about the abstinent lenses? They never came in contact.
  9. What's a nun's habit? Abstinence
  10. My abstinent girlfriend told me God has a blind spot... so I broke her behymen
  11. China just started a new abstinence program It's called ri-dic-u-lous
  12. My girlfriend doesn't believe in abstinence. Thank God.
  13. I can't believe that they only taught us abstinence during s**... ed! It's inconceivable!
  14. What do you call a 45 year old woman who believes in abstinence only s**...-ed? Grandma!
  15. Absence may make the heart grow fonder... But abstinence makes the d**... grow harder.

Abstinence joke, Absence may make the heart grow fonder...

Charming Humor Abstinence Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about abstinence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean addiction jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make abstinence pranks.

- Doctor, I want to live very old

- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing c**... and coming back home to have unprotected s**... with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend...

An abstinent blonde and her boyfriend are about to celebrate their one year anniversary. She wants to do something special for him that night, and decides that she wants to go down on him, but alas has no experience. She asks her friend for advice, who then hands her a banana and says "Here, practice with this."
Sure enough, the blonde girls peels the banana and goes to town on it like a d**... professional. Her friend says "See, you're doing great! Don't change a thing!"
The next day the blonde's friend calls her up, eager to hear how everything went. "How did everything go?" She asks.
The blonde says "Pretty great. Didn't know there would be that much screaming and blood though."
"Blood?" Her friend asks, "Where did the blood come from?"
"The peeling."

A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.
The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled g**.... The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.
The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a promotion for upholding abstinence, to which he replied "hnnnggg"

Periodic abstinence as contraception can be successful, provided one meets three very strict conditions:

1. The woman must have a very regular menstrual cycle.
2. You must be able to count well.
3. And you must really love children.
Loosely translated from Herman Finkers. My favorite dutch comedian.

Abstinence-only education...

Was the first time I got s**....

Abstinence joke, Abstinence-only education...