Abstain Jokes

8 abstain jokes and hilarious abstain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about abstain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Fun-Filled Abstain Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle

What is a good abstain joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.

Professional boxers usually will abstain from s**... the night before a big fight.... might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked with asked what was wrong, and the first officer said, Well, it should be obvious. My Joke's been reposted for more karma!

I started a new diet this week. I now abstain from eating any food while I put my mittens on in the winter.

I call it inter-mitten fasting.

The right to life group would like you to abstain from s**... while you are under the weather,

Any resulting pregnancy would be ill conceived.

Up at a Carpathian Monastery...

A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:
"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."
Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.
Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:
"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"
The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:

My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain from s**...."
I hesitantly looked at my wife, "Okay... I guess that's okay." So the week went by and we met the next Sunday before mass to talk with the priest. He started, "So how'd it go this week?"
"Pretty good..." I began. "Except for one thing. It was really difficult to go a whole week without having s**...... Yesterday, my wife bent down to pick up a box of cereal, and I couldn't resist. We tore each other's clothes off and went at it right there on the floor."
"Well I'm sorry," replied the priest. "But we can't let you into the church."
"That's okay," I said. "They won't let us back into Walmart again either."

You must abstain from s**... for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having s**... for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from s**... for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without s**... for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had s**... right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from s**... for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any p**... on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

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