...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."
Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.
After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.
"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."
"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.
"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.
"We know," says the young man. "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"
idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.
Three couples—one retired, one middle aged, and one newlywed--went to see a minister to become members of his church. The minister said the couples would have to abstain from sex for two weeks, then report back on how it went.
Two weeks later, the couples reported back. The elder couple said it had been no problem. The middle-aged couple said it had been a bit tough, but they made it.
The newlyweds said they lasted until she dropped the can of paint.
Can of paint! exclaimed the minister.
Yeah, said the man. She dropped the can and, when she bent to pick it up, I just had to have her right there. Lust took over.
The minister shook his head sadly and said they were not welcome in the church anymore.
That's OK, said the man. We're not welcome in Home Depot anymore either.
We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain from sex."
I hesitantly looked at my wife, "Okay... I guess that's okay." So the week went by and we met the next Sunday before mass to talk with the priest. He started, "So how'd it go this week?"
"Pretty good..." I began. "Except for one thing. It was really difficult to go a whole week without having sex... Yesterday, my wife bent down to pick up a box of cereal, and I couldn't resist. We tore each other's clothes off and went at it right there on the floor."
"Well I'm sorry," replied the priest. "But we can't let you into the church."
"That's okay," I said. "They won't let us back into Walmart again either."
Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."
The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."
A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:
"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."
Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.
Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:
"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"
The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:
"THE WORD WAS CELEBRATE, BROTHER, CELEBRATE."
Any resulting pregnancy would be ill conceived.
Ab-stain
However, IANAL
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Abstain? Well, here are the best Abstain dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Abstain pick up lines to share with friends.