Abstain Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Abstain puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Abstain

Professional boxers usually will abstain from sex the night before a big fight....

...you might find this hard to believe, but they don't really like each other." - Jimmy Carr

So two couples want to convert to Catholicism...

There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain from sex for thirty days.

Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks the first couple if they passed the test.

"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.

"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.

"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it to her right there."

"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into the Church after something like that."

"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us into Walmart anymore either."

An idiot moves to a very religious catholic neighborhood.

This particular idiot loved to eat chicken, so he grilled it every day. Now, on Fridays, the people of his neighborhood would get irritated that someone was eating meat when they had to abstain, so they took it up with their pastor. Their pastor then went to the idiot, and told him about the message of christ, and was able to convert him, spraying him with water saying, "you were born sick, you were raised sick, but now you are CHRISTIAN!". The idiots neighbors left him alone thinking that was that, but come Friday, and he's still grilling chicken when he should be abstaining. So they began to spy on him to see how he could justify such an act, and they saw him spritz his chicken with holy water, saying "you were born chicken, you were raised chicken, but now, you are FISH!"


idk if this is a repost, but my dad told me this joke as a kid, and I thought it was funny.

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked with asked what was wrong, and the first officer said, Well, it should be obvious. My Joke's been reposted for more karma!

My wife and I tried to join a catholic church...

We met with our town's catholic priest this past Sunday to talk about becoming catholic. He gave us a long list of requirements we would have to fulfill (what we could/couldn't eat, say, do, etc.) and at the end of our meeting he said, "Oh yeah and one more thing, until next Sunday you must abstain from sex."

I hesitantly looked at my wife, "Okay... I guess that's okay." So the week went by and we met the next Sunday before mass to talk with the priest. He started, "So how'd it go this week?"

"Pretty good..." I began. "Except for one thing. It was really difficult to go a whole week without having sex... Yesterday, my wife bent down to pick up a box of cereal, and I couldn't resist. We tore each other's clothes off and went at it right there on the floor."

"Well I'm sorry," replied the priest. "But we can't let you into the church."

"That's okay," I said. "They won't let us back into Walmart again either."

You must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Three couples--an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple--wanted to join a Baptist church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor goes up to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a light bulb on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself and we had sex right there on the floor."

The pastor said, "Well, then you're not welcome in the Baptist church."

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

Up at a Carpathian Monastery...

A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:

"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."

Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.

Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:

"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"

The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:

"THE WORD WAS CELEBRATE, BROTHER, CELEBRATE."

The right to life group would like you to abstain from sex while you are under the weather,

Any resulting pregnancy would be ill conceived.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes