Absolutely Terrible Jokes

So a women is driving on a road at night......

when suddenly a rabbit(hare) jumps out in front of her car and gets hit. Now the women was quite an animal lover so she pulls over and goes back to see if the rabbit was okay. At the same time a man who had seen her at the side of the road pulls over as well and asks her what was wrong. the women explained how she had hit and killed a rabbit and felt absolutely terrible. The man was sympathetic so he went back to his car and got a bottle from his trunk and poured the contents over the rabbit. The rabbit immediately jumps up and starts hopping away. But after 5 steps he turned around and waved, he hopped a few more steps then turned around and waved. The rabbit kept on doing this until he hopped out of sight. The women turns around to the man and asks, "What was the stuff you poured over the rabbit?" The man looks down and reads the bottle, "Hair spray: revives dead hair and gives permanent wave."

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight...

...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane c**... in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!'
To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...'
'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush.
The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents than this, it's just two Brazilian soldiers...'
President Bush frowns and says, 'Wait... how many in a brazilian?'

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."

A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"