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Absolutely Terrible Jokes

20 absolutely terrible jokes and hilarious absolutely terrible puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about absolutely terrible that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Absolutely Terrible Short Jokes

Short absolutely terrible jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The absolutely terrible humour may include short terrible jokes also.

  1. Why is all of the music made in North Korea just absolutely terrible? They've got no Seoul.
  2. why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom? to get a byte, and
    the ruler!!!
    my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
  3. A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane. The whole event was pretty terrible.
    It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
  4. Saw a woman get her n**... pierced in front of me at the bar last night. On a side note, I am absolutely terrible at darts.
  5. A terrible homosexual While getting absolutely destroyed in a video game, my buddy says "I'd be a terrible homosexual..." Confused, everyone stops and someone asks why.
    "I mean look how bad I s**..."

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Absolutely Terrible One Liners

Which absolutely terrible one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with absolutely terrible? I can suggest the ones about terribly bad and horribly bad.

  1. What would you call a terrible piece of gold? Absolutely Auful!

Absolutely Terrible Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about absolutely terrible you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean absolute worst jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make absolutely terrible pranks.

I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.

With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."

There was a guy who was terrible at naming thing ...

His dog was named dog, his cat was named cat and so on. One day, the man's sister was having twins and in a long family tradition, the babies uncle had to chose the names. Absolutely mortified, the twin girl and boy were born and it was time;
What did you choose for the girl?
Denise
Oh man, that's not so bad. What did you choose for the boy?
Denephew

An old farmer goes to the doctor for chronic coughing

The doctor took a perfunctory look at the farmer and tsked. "Just one cigarette a day from now on!" he told the farmer.
Six months later the farmer comes back looking absolutely terrible. "I told you one cigarette a day," the doctor said. "Have you been taking my advice?"
The farmer replied, "At my age, do you realize how difficult it is to pick up smoking?"

There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

Why do women have babies? [First] [Terrible Xmas Joke from 95 Year old Grandpa]

Because they take it too seriously when men poke them in good fun.
I know, I know, this is absolutely terrible. But my 95 year old grandpa just said it at his birthday dinner with the rest of the family around... after hitting on 4 women at the restaurant old enough to be my mother. Oy.

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.
A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma and sure enough the next day, Grandma dies.
A couple months pass and the Dad overhears the baby talking to itself again, saying God bless Mummy, goodbye Daddy and Dad goes to work the next morning absolutely petrified. Yet, he manages to survive the whole day.
At the dinner table, he asks his wife how her day was and she responds...
Oh, it was terrible! The postman died on our doorstep!

Job interview

A guy goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks " how is your maths skills".
The guy replies " oh, im real fast at maths". The interviewer is curious and decides to test him with some quick-fire questions. "
Interviewer: ok then. 9×5?
The guy quickly responds 50
Interviewer: 10×2
The guy immediately answers back again "32"
The interviewer is puzzled and says "those answers were both wrong. youre absolutely terrible at math"
To which the guy responds "yeah, but im fast at it"

So a women is driving on a road at night......

when suddenly a rabbit(hare) jumps out in front of her car and gets hit. Now the women was quite an animal lover so she pulls over and goes back to see if the rabbit was okay. At the same time a man who had seen her at the side of the road pulls over as well and asks her what was wrong. the women explained how she had hit and killed a rabbit and felt absolutely terrible. The man was sympathetic so he went back to his car and got a bottle from his trunk and poured the contents over the rabbit. The rabbit immediately jumps up and starts hopping away. But after 5 steps he turned around and waved, he hopped a few more steps then turned around and waved. The rabbit kept on doing this until he hopped out of sight. The women turns around to the man and asks, "What was the stuff you poured over the rabbit?" The man looks down and reads the bottle, "Hair spray: revives dead hair and gives permanent wave."

George Bush is being briefed about world news overnight...

...by his men, 'Mr President, there's been a plane c**... in Australia, two Brazilian soldiers have been killed in action, a major bushfire....' George Bush interrupts and says, 'hang on, did you just say two Brazilian soldiers have been killed???!!!'
To which the man replies, 'That's correct Mr President...'
'Oh my... that's absolutely terrible!' says Bush.
The man, looking rather confused says, 'Sir, they've been far worse accidents than this, it's just two Brazilian soldiers...'
President Bush frowns and says, 'Wait... how many in a brazilian?'

The North/South Korea conflict reminded me of an old joke set in Israel

Two old Israeli men are having lunch together, talking about this and that, politics and their jobs, and the conversation leads to them talking about the state of Israel.
"I'm telling you, Moskowitz, there's an easy solution to all the problems Israel has."
"I'm sure if there was one, it would have been used by now, Finklestein."
"No, no, no. I say we invade the United States."
Mr. Moskowitz almost chokes on his drink. "Invade the- what possible good do you think that could do for us! We would be absolutely destroyed if we declared war on them!"
My. Finklestein's face lights up. "Ah-hah! That's all part of the plan! We would be in such a terrible state that the U.S. would have to give us aid in order to rebuild ourselves! Now, we have modern U.S. technology, and if our neighbors would never attack us while the U.S. is occupying us!"
Moskowitz thinks about this for a while. Is the plan so crazy it might actually work? "Phah," he says. "With our Jewish luck, we would *win* the war."

A man goes to the confessional.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father." Said the man.
"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"Then last month, my aunt died and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued the friend, "absolutely nothing!"