Comical Absolutely Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
So a man walks into a donut shop on Dagobah...
And he sees a little green alien behind the counter. He asks for a hot donut.
The alien says, "Broken, our fryer is. Yesterday's donuts, I can sell you. Also, donut ingredients, we still have."
But the man is really craving a warm donut, so he asks, "Are you absolutely sure I can't get a freshly-made donut?"
"Only two options have you!" says the alien. "Dough or donut - there is no fry."
A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.
He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a hooker. She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."
"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.
I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.
The plot thickens.
My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat
So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'
A women invites 3 military men to her house
During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."
Blondes and Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
A man enters a pet shop...
...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"
A guy meets a hooker in a bar
She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."
The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."
A lady and her baby...
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest child I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
Priest and Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were having lunch and the priest asked, "Have you ever strayed from not eating pork?" The rabbi said, "Well, once, but there was absolutely nothing else to eat, so I had a ham sandwich."
Then the rabbi asked the priest, "Did you ever stray from your vow of celibacy?" The priest said, "Yes, just once."
And the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
You can explore absolutely practically reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean absolutely positively dad jokes. There are also absolutely puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man with a dog and a cat walks into a bar...
The man, the dog, and the cat all sit down at the bar and the bartender says "What can I get you?" The dog looks squarely at the bartender and says I'll take a vodka, the guy will take a water, and the cat will take a scotch." The bartender looks absolutely shocked at the dog and says "This is AMAZING! You're a dog that can talk..." The guy looks at the bartender, and says "Don't be fooled, the cat is a ventriloquist."
Little Johnny asked god a question.
Johnny: Is it true that a billion years for us is just a second for you?
God: Why, yes it's absolutely true!
Johnny: Is it also true that a billion dollars for us is just a penny for you?
God: You're absolutely right!
Johnny: Well in that case, may I have a penny?
God: Absolutely! Just give me a second.
My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".
I overheard some guy tell his sweet, old grandmother a joke about click-bait at her deathbed. What happened to her as a result will change your life forever!
Nothing. Absolutely nothing happened.
Stop clicking on click-bait!
(note/edit/whatever: I know this joke is a big gamble in terms of possible downvotes, but I just made it up and thought it was too good to not share with at least 1 person that might like it. Happy belated Halloween. I guess I chose trick.).
This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...
A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
This bloke said to me
This bloke said to me, "Tim, as a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?" I said, "Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy."
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
What do zero and nil have in common?
Absolutely Nothing
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Met a woman at the bar the other night
She was absolutely stunning. At least at 11/10. I asked her where she's from and what she does. She said "I live around here, and I'm a brain surgeon."
Now I don't know if it's sexist of me, but I was really impressed.
Most women can't pull off sarcasm.
My girlfriend just accused me of being a transvestite
I was absolutely furious, so I packed her things and left
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
Jesus loves you.
These are beautiful words to hear in a church, and absolutely horrifying ones to hear in a Mexican prison.
I like my pizza like I like my women
Absolutely no pubic hair.
Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.
But he's not running for President, his wife is.
I was at an art gallery.
"Absolutely beautiful, isn't it?" I asked the guy next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey. The way the colours intertwine. Truly remarkable."
He stepped away from the urinal and left.
A man enters his house
and is absolutely delighted when he discovers that someone has stolen all the lamps
Sex Statistics on a Plane.
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything."
"Dad, are you sure?"
"Absolutely."
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
Planes have an absolutely perfect record.
We've never left one up there.
A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This
A guy is approached by a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three one hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint...my...house."
Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared.
I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A lighthearted joke
A man was absolutely delighted when he came home and saw that someone had stolen every lamp in the house.
If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...
I'd be absolutely delighted
I waved the waitress over to our table.
I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"
She said, "Absolutely."
I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."
"Remember son, everyone has doubts about something. Only an idiot is completely sure about everything.
"Are you sure dad?"
"Absolutely."
The Catholic Church absolutely agrees on homosexuals getting married...
... As long as a gay marries a lesbian.
I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.
I can't stand it.
My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...
Completely pale, no arms.
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...
"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"
"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
Satan's first day on the job
Human: "So i get anything I want?"
Satan: "Absolutely."
Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"
Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."
A man walks into a lawyer's office...
The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"
The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"
A border patrol official comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump...
"Sir, because of the trauma of being separated from their parents, three Brazilian children fell deeply sick last night." Trump looks absolutely devastated. He sinks back in his chair, murmuring "oh my god" to himself over and over. Then he composes himself and says: "Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
A guy picks up a hooker
She says, This is your lucky night. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $300.00. as long as you can say it in three words.
The guy pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300.00 on the table and says slowly.
Paint…my….house.
That's a lot of zeros
An aide comes into the Oval Office and says to Trump:
"Sir, three Brazilian solders were killed in Afghanistan last night."
Trump looks absolutely devastated, nobody's ever seen him like this.
He sinks back in his chair, saying oh my god over and over.
Then he composes himself and says:
Okay. Just remind me, how many are there in a brazillion?"
In Honor of His First Emmy, My Favorite Henry Winkler Joke
Henry Winkler boards a plane and sits in First Class. The attractive stewardess says, "Would you like a drink?" and he says, "Yes, thank you."
She brings him the drink, and then asks, "Would you like some headphones?"
He says, "Absolutely. But by the way, it's pronounced 'Fonz.'"
I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.
I've never run so far in my life.
A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house
I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.
And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
An anti-vaxxer passes away...
...and finds herself in heaven. God himself greets her, shows her around and asks if she has any questions.
She says "Not about heaven, but was I right about vaccines?"
God laughed and said "No, vaccines are perfectly safe and should be administered to everyone".
The woman just can't believe it. She's absolutely distraught, until it finally dawns on her: this conspiracy must go even higher than I thought!"
A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..
.. Desperate to win Her back.
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.
The Police ask, Do you know how this man died?
The Irishmen reply, No we don't know anything about the man!
The police then ask, Do you know what his name was?
The Irishmen reply again, and they say I told you I don't know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot but never knew anything about him. All I know is that he has two arseholes.
The police asked in shock, Are you sure he had two arseholes?
The Irishmen replied, We're absolutely certain. Every time we went to a bar with him, the barman would always say, 'Look! There's the Pakistani with those two arseholes!'
Wow glad you guys liked this one
I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.
I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.
I didn't realize how bigoted my family was until I brought my gay black boyfriend home
My parents were fairly upset but my wife was absolutely livid.
The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.
She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"
Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.
My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I muttered...
"That's probably why they got flowers then..."
Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming
they were promised a storm...
...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.
I'm here all week.
The Wife just rang to tell me "Three girls in the office have just received flowers from their Men, they're absolutely gorgeous"
I said......... "Thats probably why they received flowers!"
I visited an art gallery.
"Absolutely gorgeous, don't you think?" I asked the fellow next to me. "The way the yellow combines with the grey...the way the colours intertwine. Truly beautiful."
He slowly stepped away from the urinal and left.
A Scotsman
A Scotsman and his wife walk past a swanky new restaurant. Did you smell that? she asked her husband. It smells absolutely incredible! Being a kind-hearted Scotsman, he thought what the hell…I'll treat her!
So, they walked past the place again!
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.
You won't catch me doing that today.
My wife went to the cinema with her friends
My wife went to the cinema with her friends last night and left me in charge of our two year old son.
She called me when she got there and said, "Is Jack ok?"
"He's absolutely fine," I replied, "He's in the bath at the moment, you've got nothing to worry about."
"Is he playing with his little yellow duck?" she asked.
I said, "I don't know, I can't see him from the pub."
A girl goes to a movie theatre…
…with her dog.
The movie didn't have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said That's absolutely amazing. I can't believe your dog is crying
She responded: I can't believe either …. because he didn't like the book
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"
"Yes, there was"
answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.
"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"
"Yes, absolutely"
answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just for upvotes…
You won't catch me doing that today.
I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...
But he never made it as a wise man
I've just been on Trip Advisor
Absolutely no help about a twisted ankle and a grazed knee
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.
You won't catch me doing that today.
I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.
I absolutely hate when they ask
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?
I saw a man with a penguin on a leash
I saw a man walking with a penguin on a leash
I said to him "That penguin is a wild animal. You need to take it to the zoo."
The man thought for a moment and said "You are absolutely right. I'll take him now."
The next day I saw the man again. He was still walking the penguin on a lead.
I said "I thought you were taking that penguin to the zoo?"
He replied "I did, he loved it. Now we're going to the movies."
I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it is their cake day.
You won't catch me doing that today.
Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it.
It was…hit or miss.
Last night my son came out as transgender, ftm.
He asked if I was mad and I said absolutely not but I am a little worried. He looked confused and asked why. I said, well, I'm worried everyone will see right through me bc I am now *transparent*
As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers:
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam." I said sternly. "I don't even work here."
I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…
I've told him never to accept suites from strangers
I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.
She is absolutely not adventurous , and fun to be around !
After couple beers, a man at a bar is chatting with the bartender.
"So, how many kegs of beer do you go through in a week?", he asks.
"About twenty," says the bartender.
"I've got a tip that could bring that up to twenty five, if you're interested."
"Absolutely!", says the bartender.
The man looks the bartender in the eyes and says, "Try filling the glasses up to the line."
I need a funny punchline...
My bf is going on a trip and I thought it'd be fun to give him a joke and tell the punchline when he gets home. Only thing is we were on a time crunch and I just said the first thing that came to mind which was:
What do you call a sheep with 3 legs?
I have absolutely no idea so if anyone can think of a punchline for this please help me.
An original joke for you as thanks:
Why was the caribou wearing a disguise?
He wanted to remain anonymoose.
I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.
With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."
Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.
Second guy calls 911.
Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!
Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.
Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?
I'm really worried about the future of the calendar.
It's days are absolutely numbered
