The Best 71 Absolute Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Absolute jokes. There are some absolute physics jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these absolute obtuse puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Absolute Jokes and Puns

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

Teach us About Absolute Zero!


Absolute joke, Teach us About Absolute Zero!

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?

He's OK now

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

My friend cooled himself to absolute zero...

he's 0K now.

For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div play poker?

It had 0 opacity.

Absolute joke, For all you web developers out there.

How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?


I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point?

Don't worry, he's 0K now.

You can explore absolute inefficient reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean absolute indescribable dad jokes. There are also absolute puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much.

He was an absolute zero.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

Did you know that you could cool yourself to absolute zero...

and still be 0K?

Absolute joke, Did you know that you could cool yourself to absolute zero...

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

I want to start a band called Absolute Zero.

People will say we're 0K.

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

Math is evil...

Only the Sith deal in absolute values.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it
has left me divided
and at my limit.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

Did you hear about the scientist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

I hate the noises tennis players make

Absolute racquet

A man goes golfing

And he hits the most incredible drive, an absolute rocket. 100 down range a bird flies into the middle of the fairway, gets smoked by the ball and drops down dead. The man walks up to the bird and sees that the ball has gone right through!
This begs the question, is it a birdie or a hole-in-one.

Did you hear about the guy who froze to absolute zero?

He's 0k now

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

What's the absolute value of zero?


0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero?

He's OK now

Met Kelvin the other day

What an absolute unit, that lad.

What's a Mathematician's best friend?

Absolute units

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

Did you hear about who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He is 0K now!

Why are other measurements afraid of 0Β° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from premature evacuation.

I used to work with a guy called Kelvin.

He was an absolute unit!

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Have you met my friend Kelvin

He's an absolute unit.

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don't worry, he was 0K.

Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K!

I have been frozen to absolute Zero

It was 0k

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He's 0k now.

I was freezed to absolute zero once,

And it was 0k.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but imaginary.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...

The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...

The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.

I'm going to name my unborn son "Newton"

He's going to be an absolute unit!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

My father told me that "there is no absolute" before he left.

He then asked me if I wanted anything from the store as he go pick up more vodka.

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

I'm absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

I used to have the skeeziest math teacher...

He was an absolute sumlord.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

On the other hand, His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

My friend was frozen to absolute zero.

Fortunately, he was 0K.

P.S. This is NOT mine.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the absolute unconditional jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working absolute tangents piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes