Absolute Jokes

Following is our collection of inefficient humor and physics one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Absolute puns for adults, dirty indescribable jokes or clean obtuse gags for kids.

There is an abundance of unconditional jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on absolute. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any tangents witze you can hear about absolute.

The Best jokes about Absolute

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.


I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...

The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...

The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.

What's the absolute value of zero?

lol

Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero?

He's OK now

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.


I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?

He's OK now

Did you hear about the guy who froze to absolute zero?

He's 0k now

Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"


A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

I was freezed to absolute zero once,

And it was 0k.

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter

lol

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

Teach us About Absolute Zero!

0K!

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to the class

He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing the class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A prankster student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll have to learn how to write with your other hand then..."

For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div play poker?

It had 0 opacity.

Stalin is into the fifth hour of his speech, when someone sneezes

***"Who sneezed!"***, he shouts.

No one answers.

***"First row, stand up"***... they obediently get on their feet.

***"Guards, shoot them"***... they're gunned down where they stood.

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... still nothing.

***"Second row, on your feet ... guards, shoot them."***

***"Now who sneezed?"*** ... absolute silence.

***"Third row, stand up ... "***

A small backbencher gets up. He's uncontrollably sobbing.

*"I sneezed! I sneezed!!"*

Stalin stares at him and says, ***"Bless you, comrade."***

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don't worry, he was 0K.

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

Did you hear about the scientist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

A russian and an american are in the baltic sea arguing about which one has better submarines

Russian: "Our submarines ovat the absolute top, you never find them and they can be submerged for weeks."

American: "Our subs can patrol all seas without any blind spots continously without you noticing and they can stay underwater for months."

Suddenly a german submarine that's worn-out but still in a good condition for it's age surfaces. An old grey-bearded man opens up the hatch and shouts to them:

"Heil Hitler! Haben sie Diesel?"

My friend cooled himself to absolute zero...

he's 0K now.

Because of my cake here are a few physics jokes...

1.) Two kittens are on a roof which one falls off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

2.) what happens to electrons and they lose all the energy?

They become Bohred

3.) People call me lazy but I am just overflowing with potential energy.

4.) Did you hear about the man that was cooled absolute zero?

He is 0k now.

5.) I hear Chemistry jokes periodically, but Physics jokes have more potential.

6.) My Chemistry teacher threw Sodium Chlorite at me, is that considered a salt?


7.) √−1 2³ Σ π

It was very delicious.

Hope you enjoyed them.

Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point?

Don't worry, he's 0K now.

Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K!

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

Have you met my friend Kelvin

He's an absolute unit.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

Did you hear about who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He is 0K now!

How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?

0K

0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

Math is evil...

Only the Sith deal in absolute values.

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I have been frozen to absolute Zero

It was 0k

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but imaginary.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He's 0k now.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

Went out with a bang...

A tough old cowboy with grizzled hair, chiseled featured, and hands tougher than the sharpest barbs on new wire told his grandson that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.

With absolute faith, the grandson did as Grandpap instructed. Every morning for the rest of his life, he added a pinch of gun powder to his oatmeal.

He grew up, lived happily, enjoyed perfect health, and died at the ripe old age of 107.

According to the story in the newspaper, he left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much.

He was an absolute zero.

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

My automatic toilet is the absolute worst. Sometimes it flushes before I even use it.

It suffers from premature evacuation.

What's a Mathematician's best friend?

Absolute units

Did you know that you could cool yourself to absolute zero...

and still be 0K?

I want to start a band called Absolute Zero.

People will say we're 0K.

I hate the noises tennis players make

Absolute racquet

Met Kelvin the other day

What an absolute unit, that lad.

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

I used to work with a guy called Kelvin.

He was an absolute unit!

I tried to come up with a math joke...

but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it
has left me divided
and at my limit.

A man goes golfing

And he hits the most incredible drive, an absolute rocket. 100 down range a bird flies into the middle of the fairway, gets smoked by the ball and drops down dead. The man walks up to the bird and sees that the ball has gone right through!
This begs the question, is it a birdie or a hole-in-one.

When I learnt that the coldest temperature in the universe is 0 Kelvin, I thought to myself,

That's an absolute unit right there

I met a man called |-5kg|

He was an absolute unit

I asked a scientist what would happen if my body temperature hit absolute zero.

He said I'd be 0K

As a child I wanted to be a personal trainer but I ended up as a politician.

At least I still convince absolute idiots that change is being made.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

Have you all heard the one about absolute zero?

It's 0k.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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