Absolute Jokes

This article takes a humorous look at the concept of absolute values. From absolute best to absolute worst, the author takes a light-hearted approach to the notion of perfection, exploring all the advantages and disadvantages that come along with the idea of the absolute. Disagree and be entertained as the author examines the inefficiency of absolute values.

Silly Absolute Jokes for a Good Time with Friends

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero...

At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

Teach us About Absolute Zero!


Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero?

He's OK now

jokes about absolute

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

My friend cooled himself to absolute zero...

he's 0K now.

For all you web developers out there.

Why couldn't the div buy a drink?

It lacked id.

Why couldn't the div find a girlfriend?

It lacked class.

Why wasn't the div good at diplomacy?

Its position was absolute.

Why was the div an anarchist?

It had no borders.

Why couldn't the div play poker?

It had 0 opacity.

Absolute joke, For all you web developers out there.

How do you feel if subjected to temperatures of absolute zero?


I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once.

He was 0K.

Scientists announced that a man had chilled himself to absolute zero in an industrial accident.

He's 0K right now.

Have you heard about the guy who got frozen to the absolute freezing point?

Don't worry, he's 0K now.

You can explore absolute inefficient reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean absolute indescribable dad jokes. There are also absolute puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


Unlike his famous father, Lord Kelvin's son never amounted to much.

He was an absolute zero.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero?

Hes 0K now.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

Absolute joke, My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

Math is evil...

Only the Sith deal in absolute values.

Did you hear about the guy whose temperature went down to absolute zero?

He was 0K

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

Did you hear about the scientist that froze himself to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

Did you hear about the guy who froze to absolute zero?

He's 0k now

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

Absolute joke, I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

Just got scammed out of $15.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

What's the absolute value of zero?


0 K, man.

What an absolute unit.

Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero?

He's OK now

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

Did you hear about who lived in absolute zero temperatures?

He is 0K now!

Why are other measurements afraid of 0Β° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

Have you met my friend Kelvin

He's an absolute unit.

There was a scientist who was frozen to absolute zero.

Don't worry, he was 0K.

Did you hear about the guy who reached absolute zero?

Don't worry, he's 0K!

I have been frozen to absolute Zero

It was 0k

A year ago my friend thought it would be funny to freeze himself to absolute zero.

He's 0k now.

I was freezed to absolute zero once,

And it was 0k.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

Did you hear about the man who cooled to absolute zero?

He is 0K now.

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100

An absolute 10, but imaginary.

A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero.

It was 0K.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...

The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...

The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.

I'm going to name my unborn son "Newton"

He's going to be an absolute unit!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Q. How do you reprimand a lazy scientist working in a cryogenetics lab?

A. "Your contribution in this project is absolute zero"

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

I'm absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

On the other hand, His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

Scientists experimented on a guy and cooled his body down to absolute zero...

Don't worry, he's 0K

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

Nikita Khrushchev is giving a speech on the necessity of de-Stalinizing the country. Someone in the crowd yells "And why didn't you do anything about it before Stalin died?!"

Khrushchev stands straight up and bellows "WHO SAID THAT?!?", looking left and right. When there is absolute silence and no one owns up to it, he says (in a normal voice) "That is why".

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

What is an example of absolute trust?

Two cannibals doing 69

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just for upvotes…

You won't catch me doing that today.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

What is Obi Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

Absolute Vodka!

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

What do you call a male version of a 'Karen'? Ken…Kurt…Karl?

Nah: Kelvin. Because he's an absolute zero.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it is their cake day.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker

1) great

2) great

3) great

4) great

5) great

6) great

7) great

8) great

9) great

10) An absolute cracker

r/meatball is the absolute greatest place on Reddit.

It's at least my favorite sub.

I used to absolutely love Tractors

I don't anymore though
Now I'm an extractor fan

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it's super sad sequel, Malcom's Now The Oldest

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.

The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical patients were polliticians. Their heads are interchangable with theirs asses and they have no internal organs as they are completely full of shit!

I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…

I've told him never to accept suites from strangers

A horse walks into a bar

And the bartender asked "why the long face?"

The horse said, well, it has been a really bad day. Around 10 years ago, I married a pony, the absolute love of my life. She just passed away at the hospital from throat cancer. I'm on my way back home and I just came in for a few drinks to ease the pain.

The bartender felt horrible about the stupid joke he said earlier and apologized profusely.

The horse just shook his head and said don't worry about it. In all honesty, we should have caught the cancer much earlier. She was always a little horse.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the absolute absolute best puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working absolute absolute value piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes