Absolute Best Jokes
31 absolute best jokes and hilarious absolute best puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about absolute best that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Absolute Best Short Jokes
Short absolute best jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The absolute best humour may include short simply the best jokes also.
- Everyone talks about how May 4th is 100% hands down the best Star Wars holiday ever.... But only a fifth May deal in absolutes..
- if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken. Gonorrhea
- My roommates have very strong opinions about lemons One says lemons are the worst type of citrus.
One says lemons are the absolute best.
Both call them "sublime." - Did you guys hear about the frog that became a best-selling author? His work was absolutely ribbiting.
- I breed some of the worlds best thoroughbred race horses They are absolutely outstanding in their field
Share These Absolute Best Jokes With Friends
Absolute Best One Liners
Which absolute best one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with absolute best? I can suggest the ones about finest and greatest.
- What's a Mathematician's best friend? Absolute units
- I love the metric system. It's the best by an absolute 1.6km
- What is the most terrific, perfect, absolute best name for a dog? Hyperbole.
- Limes are the best sour citrus fruit. And lemons are absolutely sub-lime.
- Truth bomb I think my wife is the absolute best...
I'm a Wife Supremacist.
Absolute Best Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about absolute best you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean absolute worst jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make absolute best pranks.
An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.
The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss Wow that's an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!
The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really hard, and you do your overtime, and you save your pennies, and you do your absolute best then maybe...
The employee, mystified and excited for what comes next, says yes...
The boss looks into the employees eyes and says then maybe... I'll have another one next year.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
3 surgeons were arguing on the golf course about who makes the best patients.
The first one said he loved librarians to operate on. When you open them up, every part is in alphabitical order. The second doc said no, electricians are the best! Everything inside is color coded. The third doc said he had spent most of his career working in D C. That the absolute best surgical patients were polliticians. Their heads are interchangable with theirs a**... and they have no internal organs as they are completely full of s**...!
What is the best introduction you can think of for this punchline?
My friends and I are absolutely convinced that there is no possible way to create a funny joke out of this:
"And that's why they invented dry cleaners"
I tried to come up with a math joke...
but all my ideas were derivative
and the punchline didn't add up.
Anyway, comedy has no absolute value.
Your jokes are sum of the best,
but minus not very funny
because I'm a perfect square.
I halve one, I guess...
but you're too obtuse to get it,
and trying to simplify it
has left me divided
and at my limit.
A french man and his wife go shopping in America
As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a bag?"
The man looks at his wife and squints his eyes at her.
"Bag-uette." ("Bag it")
(Made this joke one day while in the shower, friends don't find it as absolutely hilarious as I do, let me know if this joke is the best or if I am just s**....)
3 dogs met at the park
The Husky mentioned that God has blessed Huskies as the superior breed.
The Rottweiler snapped quickly and replied that God said Rottweilers are the absolute best!
The German Sheppard turned and asked, I said what ?
You know the fool-proof method to get your girl pregnant right?
Wait until the perfect Friday night and treat her real fine. I'm talking start with chocolate, flowers, the works. Dress in y'alls Sunday best and go to the best Italian place in town. Wine her and dine her then take her home. Take it slow but start getting her real hot. I'm talking wet enough to drown a fish. Once you've done every single step, in that order, absolutely perfectly, you call me over.
My mate Joe is the best prankster ever!
Every time I come back from work early he's standing n**... in my wardrobe waiting to jump out at me.
How he sneaks past the wife without her spotting him, I'll never know.... absolute legend.
A gentleman and his wife are out to dinner with some friends.
In conversation, the man goes to tell his friend about a restaurant he took his wife to the other day.
"Oh, it was absolutely fantastic. The food was perfect, the service was quick. For $12 we got five plates absolutely filled with the best food we've ever eaten! I'll never forget this restaurant in my life. It was called...um...uh...that flower, what's that flower that smells good, it's got red petals, and it's got thorns up and down the stem--"
His friend replies, "A rose?"
"Yes!" He turns to his wife and says, "Rose, what was the name of that restaurant?"
Shipwrecked
There was a shipwreck and just three men and one woman survived. It's was remote island and no hope for rescue so they decided to make the best of it and built a small settlement on the island. For survival of humanity they decided that there would take turns having the woman as their wife one week each.
This went on for some months and everyone was happy with the arrangement until suddenly she died.
First month was quite unbearable.
Second month was absolutely horrible.
On the third month they decided to bury her.
A drunk staggered down to a hotel reception
He was demanding a change of room. He was so insistent that the receptionist was forced to call the manager.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the manager
"I want another room" said the drunk
"But I see you're in room 224. That's one of the best rooms in the hotel."
"I don't care. I want another room"
"Very well, sir. If you're absolutely adamant, we can move you from 224 to 260. But would you mind telling me what you don't like about your room?"
"Well" said the drunk, "for one thing, it's on fire"
Last Supper
Jesus started off the dinner by announcing that he is trying some new natural recipes with some very organic ingredients. Peter approaches him and says, "This bread is fantastic! What's in it?"
"I made that from my flesh," Jesus replied.
A bit surprised and disgusted, Peter and all other apostles who were eating the bread regretfully put their pieces back down onto the table.
"This wine is the best I've ever tasted!" said James.
"That's actually just my blood."
James discretely spat the wine back into his cup.
Absolutely chowing down, Judas exclaimed, "I don't care what you tell me is in these, nothing can keep me from these desserts! The filling in these eclairs is absolutely o**...!"
A ship went down on a reef...
There were only three survivors; a 25 year old man, a dog, and a cat.
They were washed up on a deserted tropical island. Food and water were no problem, but after a month the man started to get the urge to have s**.... As there were no other people, he was forced to choose between the dog and the cat. Naturally, he chose the dog - man`s best friend. But the cat had a jealous streak, and would always interrupt the man when he tried to have his way with the dog. The man tried all kinds of strategies, but it was no use. The cat never allowed him a chance to get it on with the dog.
Then one day, another ship went down on the reef. From this ship there was only one survivor; a beautiful 22 year old woman. She almost drowned in the surf as she made her way to the island, but the man rescued her - effectively saving her life.
The woman was so grateful that she offered to do anything for the man.
"Anything?" asked the man, already thinking about his carnal desires.
"Yes. Absolutely anything. I`ll do anything to show you my appreciation. For you are my savior," she replied.
"Well then", said the man, "I`d be delighted if you could take the cat for a walk for half an hour."
There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...
Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?
I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from the sandwich. Confused, I grabbed another sandwich, this time ham and cheese. Same thing. It was telling me how nice I smell and how my hair is very well styled. Although very nice to hear, I was dumbfound. After all, how can a sandwich talk? Whatever.
I then noticed another tray of sandwhiches...but kind of out of view. I walked over and man...these looked like the best things ever made. I picked one up, but the moment I laid hands on it, it started cursing at me, called me ugly, fat, etc. Taken aback, I tossed the sandwich down and went to one of the caterers.
"What is wrong with these sandwiches? The first two I had were very nice and friendly...but the third was very rude and disrespectful..."
The caterer responded, "Oh, only the first two trays were complimenttray..."
A man goes to a community gym...
He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.
Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking h**... with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.
Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:
"If I catch you, I have my way with you."