Absolut Jokes

64 absolut jokes and hilarious absolut puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about absolut that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Absolut Short Jokes

Short absolut jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The absolut humour may include short caffeine jokes also.

  1. I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
  2. I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious. She is absolutely not adventurous , and fun to be around !
  3. I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids. I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.
  4. Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.
  5. "Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"
  6. My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
  7. I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just for upvotes… You won't catch me doing that today.
  8. I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday. You won't catch me doing that today.
  9. Just got scammed out of $15. Bought tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.
  10. My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a greek statue... Completely pale, no arms.

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Absolut One Liners

Which absolut one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with absolut? I can suggest the ones about tasteless and cocktail.

  1. Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?? He's 0K now.
  2. Did you hear about the chemist that froze himself to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
  3. Why don't Jedi Knights use the Kelvin scale? Only a Sith deals in absolutes.
  4. If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights... I'd be absolutely delighted
  5. What's the absolute value of zero? lol
  6. Did you hear about the guy that was frozen to absolute zero? He's OK now
  7. I know someone that was frozen to absolute zero once. He was 0K.
  8. A dyslexic cat broke into a hen house It was an absolute fluster cluck
  9. What do zero and nil have in common? Absolutely Nothing
  10. Did you hear about the guy who cooled himself to absolute zero? He's OK now
  11. Did you hear about the guy who froze to absolute zero? He's 0k now
  12. Did you hear about the guy who got chilled to absolute zero? Hes 0K now.
  13. I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg. I can't stand it.
  14. I rolled my first joint last night! Today I have an ankle the size of a football. :(
  15. A scientist announced he managed to cool something down to absolute zero. It was 0K.

Absolut Vodka Jokes

Here is a list of funny absolut vodka jokes and even better absolut vodka puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's a Jedi's favorite brand of v**...? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.
  • A man tried smuggling sausage and v**... out of Europe and his suitcase caught fire and they had to evacuate the plane. The whole event was pretty terrible.
    It was the Absolut-wurst-case scenario.
  • Someone told me you can clean pigs with v**... sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me
  • Why is v**... so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe? Because only Siths deal in Absolut.
  • Why don't the jedi drink v**...? Because only the Sith deal in absolut
  • Saucy!? I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!
  • Why won't Obi-Wan mix you a v**... cocktail? Only a Sith deals in Absoluts.
  • What is Obi Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink? Absolute v**...!
  • My recipe for v**...-flavoured brats never caught on. It was the Absolut wurst.
  • My father told me that "there is no absolute" before he left. He then asked me if I wanted anything from the store as he go pick up more v**....
Absolut joke, My father told me that "there is no absolute" before he left.

Delightful Fun Absolut Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about absolut you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean trendy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make absolut pranks.

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

What do you call a very cold v**...?

Absolut Zero

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

I'm absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...
Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

What is an example of absolute trust?

Two cannibals doing 69

Cannibal's absolution

A Priest says that he got d**... to believe in God before he died. When asked if this would get d**... into Heaven, the Priest said No, but it was fun to make him think so

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.


I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it is their cake day.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I used to absolutely love Tractors

I don't anymore though
Now I'm an extractor fan

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it's super sad sequel, Malcom's Now The Oldest

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…

I've told him never to accept suites from strangers

If you go to a Jedi bar, the only v**... that you can get is Grey Goose.

Because..only the Sith deal in Absolut.

Absolut joke, If you go to a Jedi bar, the only v**... that you can get is Grey Goose.

jokes about absolut