Absolut Jokes

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

What's the absolute value of zero?


My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.


I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed vodka, gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

What do you call a very cold vodka?

Absolut Zero

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage.

I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

Why is the absolute value of 0 funny?

l 0 l

I was absolutely livid with my doctor. He told me I had a brain tumour.

Naturally, I panicked at first. But I lost it when he said,

It's all in your head.

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself crystal clear.

What the absolute value of o?

You can't absolute value letters silly. lol

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

What is Nixon's absolutely favorite vegetable?


I'm absolutely good at catching two things:

cold and feelings.

I absolutely despise double-standards...

Except when it's me, then it's okay.

The absolute worst flavor mint...

has to be a condiment.

I absolutely love penguins and puffins. I spent all my savings going to a sea birds aviary and saw only puffins. I didn't see any penguins.

Nor egrets.

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish vodka

It was an Absolut unit

Why is absolute value never sad

It always stays positive

So I told my friend to drink vodka, and he actually did it.

the Absolut madman.

I absolutely hate stair lifts

They drive me up the wall

I'm absolutely awful at bowling

The only way I ever break 3 digits is if my fingers get stuck in the ball.

What's the absolute worst city to live in?

An atroCITY.

What is the absolute value of a woman?

They have no value

I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It's a real head scratcher.

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says 'Built in Antenna'- this is a country I've never even heard of.

How do you get an Absolute Zero in PUBG?

Zero Killwin

Absolute mind blown that 50 Cents real name is Arthur Dollar.

We have collected gags that can be used as Absolut pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Absolut, here are one liners and funny Absolut pick up lines.

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