Absolut Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Absolut jokes. There are some absolut mayberry jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these absolut cocktail puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Delightful Fun Absolut Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

What do you call a very cold v**...?

Absolut Zero

I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself crystal clear.

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


jokes about absolut

Why is v**... Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of v**...?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

I absolutely despise double-standards...

Except when it's me, then it's okay.

Absolut joke, I absolutely despise double-standards...

My recipe for v**...-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

I'm absolutely awful at bowling

The only way I ever break 3 digits is if my fingers get stuck in the ball.

What the absolute value of o?

You can't absolute value letters silly. lol

Why don't the jedi drink v**...?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

You can explore absolut tasteless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean absolut kenobi dad jokes. There are also absolut puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

Why is the absolute value of 0 funny?

l 0 l

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

Absolut joke, I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage.

I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

What is Nixon's absolutely favorite vegetable?


I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

I absolutely love penguins and puffins. I spent all my savings going to a sea birds aviary and saw only puffins. I didn't see any penguins.

Nor egrets.

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

What's the absolute value of zero?


The absolute worst flavor mint...

has to be a condiment.

So I told my friend to drink v**..., and he actually did it.

the Absolut madman.

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish v**...

It was an Absolut unit

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

Absolut joke, I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

I absolutely hate stair lifts

They drive me up the wall

I'm absolutely good at catching two things:

cold and feelings.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

I was absolutely livid with my doctor. He told me I had a brain tumour.

Naturally, I panicked at first. But I lost it when he said,

It's all in your head.


I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed v**..., gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

Why is v**... so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Someone told me you can clean pigs with v**...

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

I'm absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...

Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

What is an example of absolute trust?

Two cannibals doing 69

Cannibal's absolution

A Priest says that he got d**... to believe in God before he died. When asked if this would get d**... into Heaven, the Priest said No, but it was fun to make him think so

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just for upvotes…

You won't catch me doing that today.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I absolutely hate donating blood. As soon as you walk through the door you get bombarded with questions.

I absolutely hate when they ask
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken.


I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it is their cake day.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I used to absolutely love Tractors

I don't anymore though
Now I'm an extractor fan

Absolutely loved Malcolm in the Middle. Such a great show.

Not like it's super sad sequel, Malcom's Now The Oldest

I absolutely hate my job at the can crushing facility.

It's soda pressing.

I was absolutely furious with my son when he came home with a sofa and two chairs…

I've told him never to accept suites from strangers

If you go to a Jedi bar, the only v**... that you can get is Grey Goose.

Because..only the Sith deal in Absolut.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the absolut mojito puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working absolut lambert piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes