The Best 52 Absolut Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Absolut jokes. There are some absolut mayberry jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these absolut cocktail puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Absolut Jokes and Puns

I'm absolutely incredible in bed.

In fact, yesterday I slept 15 hours.

Im absolutely exhausted, would you believe I have spent all week road testing penny farthings.....

My feet haven't touched the ground.

In My Absolutely Honest Opinion


Absolut joke, In My Absolutely Honest Opinion

What do you call a very cold vodka?

Absolut Zero

I absolutely, unequivocally support any and all scientific efforts to create a real, working invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself crystal clear.

The absolute value of 0 is no laughing matter


Why is vodka Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

Because only a Sith deals in Absolut.

Absolut joke, Why is vodka Obi-Wan Kenobi's least favourite drink?

What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka?

Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.

I absolutely despise double-standards...

Except when it's me, then it's okay.

What's the absolute worst city to live in?

An atroCITY.

My recipe for vodka-flavoured brats never caught on.

It was the Absolut wurst.

You can explore absolut tasteless reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean absolut kenobi dad jokes. There are also absolut puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I'm absolutely awful at bowling

The only way I ever break 3 digits is if my fingers get stuck in the ball.

What the absolute value of o?

You can't absolute value letters silly. lol

I Have absolutely no problem with Black People!

I think everyone should Have one.

Why don't the jedi drink vodka?

Because only the Sith deal in absolut

I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished with it.

Grounds for divorce.

Absolut joke, I'm absolutely sick and tired of my wife not cleaning out the coffee machine after she's finished wi

Why is the absolute value of 0 funny?

l 0 l

I absolutely can not stand Brown people.

It's just that I had an ex graduate from there and she was super pretentious.

I was absolutely shocked when my wife fell down a wishing well...

I never believed that those things worked.

I absolutely love the lyrics to the song "What is Love?"

The artist really haddaway with words...

I was absolutely distraught when my girlfriend told me she'd had a miscarriage.

I had to leave the pub and go to the hospital.

What is Nixon's absolutely favorite vegetable?


I absolutely hate it when my tripod loses a leg.

I can't stand it.

I absolutely love penguins and puffins. I spent all my savings going to a sea birds aviary and saw only puffins. I didn't see any penguins.

Nor egrets.

My absolute favorite thing ever in the whole world has to be exaggeration.

No wait, second guessing. Yeah second guessing is my favorite thing.

What's the absolute value of zero?


The absolute worst flavor mint...

has to be a condiment.

So I told my friend to drink vodka, and he actually did it.

the Absolut madman.

Part of my college class on distilling alcohol was about Swedish vodka

It was an Absolut unit

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

I absolutely hate stair lifts

They drive me up the wall

Absolute mind blown that 50 Cents real name is Arthur Dollar.

I'm absolutely good at catching two things:

cold and feelings.

I am absolutely exhausted from my French self-defense class.

I've never run so far in my life.

How do you get an Absolute Zero in PUBG?

Zero Killwin

I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It's a real head scratcher.

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says 'Built in Antenna'- this is a country I've never even heard of.

What is the absolute value of a woman?

They have no value

I have absolute confidence in Jeff's Bezos rocket company Blue Origin

Jeff has already achieved good separation.

I was absolutely livid with my doctor. He told me I had a brain tumour.

Naturally, I panicked at first. But I lost it when he said,

It's all in your head.

Why is absolute value never sad

It always stays positive


I tried to make a 'fancy' sauce last night at dinner, I mixed vodka, gravy and nitrous oxide, sadly, all I managed was make myself an Absolut laughing stock!

I was absolutely devastated when my horse died.

I had a lot of money riding on that race.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos

My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Someone told me you can clean pigs with vodka

sounds like Absolut hogwash if you ask me

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

I'm absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

Wife: I'm going shopping, do you need anything?

Husband: I'm looking for inner-peace and happiness, an answer to my doubts, a sense of fulfilment, a medium through which I can transcend consciousness and reach true spirituality, calmness and...

Wife: Be specific; Smirnoff or Absolut?

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the absolut mojito jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working absolut lambert piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes