Absence Jokes

Following is our collection of scarcity humor and decrease one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Absence puns for adults, dirty advertisment jokes or clean shortage gags for kids.

There is an abundance of exquisite jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 17 funniest jokes on absence. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any absent witze you can hear about absence.

The Best jokes about Absence

The boss plans a business trip

He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.

The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and abstinence makes the hand grow stronger.

There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence...

The teacher asks him:
-Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her.
Teacher:But second week?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him.
Teacher:And the last week?
Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him.
Teacher:But what were you doing all this time??
Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks.


*What is Reunion?*

Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.

Instead you go to your neighbour's wife to make love to her.

Her husband comes and knocks on the door.

You go under the bed.

The husband enters the bedroom.

Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.

The husband takes advantage of the wife's absence to call your wife.

Your wife quickly arrives and they make love.

Suddenly his wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.

You're still under the bed.

Your wife rushes to hide under the bed.

*This is REUNION*

A student goes away to college for the first time

He's worried about how his cat will take his absence, so he calls home the first chance he gets. His little brother answers the phone.

How's Mittens doing?

Oh, Mittens died.


Yeah, Mittens is dead.

I can't believe that you just blurted it out like that.

What do you mean?

Well, you could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, 'She's up on the roof and we can't get her down.' Then next time I called you could say that Mittens fell and got hurt, and then next time you could say that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock.

Yeah, I see what you mean. Sorry.

That's OK, just let me talk to Mom.

Uh, she's up on the roof and we can't get her down.

A teacher asked his students..

A teacher asked his students "Is black a color?". One student replied "Yes, it's all the colors." another student said "No, it's the absence of color." Then another student said "It's only three-fifths of a color."

Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue?

Because their servers were down.

A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe

He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"

Absence may make the heart grow fonder...

But abstinence makes the dong grow harder.

It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget

I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.

A pious man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.

He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice, "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Pretty good for a joke that is a hundred years old.

A bashful cowboy, returning from the plains to civilized society
after an absence of several years, fell desperately in love at first
sight with a pretty young girl whom he met at a party.

On leaving the house that evening the young lady forgot her
overshoes, and the hostess, who had noticed the Westerner's
infatuation, told the young Lochinvar that he might return them to
the girl if he wished. The herder leaped at the chance and presented
himself in due time at the young lady's house. She greeted him

"You forgot your overshoes last night," he said, awkwardly handing
her the package.

"Why, there's only one overshoe here!" she exclaimed, as she thanked
him and opened it.

"Yes, Miss," said he, blushing. "I'll bring the other one tomorrow.
Oh, how I wish that you were a centipede!" And with that he turned
and sped away down the street.

What do Trees do in Autumn?

Take a Leaf of absence.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless?

it's Kanye West.

Why did the French monarchy embrace nihilism in the absence of a dauphin?

Because they no longer had a *porpoise*

Black isn't a color, it's the absence of...


My boss held a meeting because of my excessive absence.

But I didn't attend it.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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