Absence Jokes
21 absence jokes and hilarious absence puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about absence that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Absence Short Jokes
Short absence jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The absence humour may include short absent jokes also.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder... Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and abstinence makes the hand grow stronger.
- Why did the restaurant staff deem the waiters absence due to depression to be a technical issue? Because their servers were down.
- It's been quite a while since I saw a movie with Jane, Henry, or Bridget I guess it's true what they say - absence makes the heart grow Fonda.
- Why did the French monarchy embrace nihilism in the absence of a dauphin? Because they no longer had a *porpoise*
- About to hit my yeard, and I realized that not shaving for so longer beforehand made my commitment stronger It was then that I realized that absence makes the beard grow longer.
- Concerning the absence of toilet paper, there should be complaint books laid out at publicly used places.
- My long-distance girlfriend explaining why she cheated "Absence makes the heart go wander"
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Absence One Liners
Which absence one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with absence? I can suggest the ones about lack and presence.
- Absence makes the heart grow fonder unless? it's Kanye West.
- What do Trees do in Autumn? Take a Leaf of absence.
- What do you call it when a metal head takes a leave of absence? A Black Sabbatical
- My boss held a meeting because of my excessive absence. But I didn't attend it.
Fun-Filled Absence Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about absence you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean going away jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make absence pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After a 2000 year absence, the v**... Mary takes a trip down to earth.
After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."
The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.
There is a boy that went to school after 3 weeks of absence...
The teacher asks him:
-Why didn't you come to school in your first week of absence?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandma and we had to burry her.
Teacher:But second week?
Boy:A brick fell on my grandpa and we had to burry him.
Teacher:And the last week?
Boy:A brick fell on my dad and we had to burry him.
Teacher:But what were you doing all this time??
Boy:I was on the roof of my house playing with bricks.
A teacher asked his students..
A teacher asked his students "Is black a color?". One student replied "Yes, it's all the colors." another student said "No, it's the absence of color." Then another student said "It's only three-fifths of a color."
A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe
He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A good reputation should be like a good f**...
It should precede before your presence and linger after your absence.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reunion
*What is Reunion?*
Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you are going to work.
Instead you go to your neighbour's wife to make love to her.
Her husband comes and knocks on the door.
You go under the bed.
The husband enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.
The husband takes advantage of the wife's absence to call your wife.
Your wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly his wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.
You're still under the bed.
Your wife rushes to hide under the bed.
*This is REUNION*
The boss plans a business trip
He calls his secretary, tells her they will go on a business trip for a whole week. The secretary calls her husband, she will be off for a business trip next week. The husband calls his mistress, they can spend the next week together in the absence of the wife. The mistress calls a kid she teaches, there are no studies next week. The kid calls his grandpa (who happens to be the boss planning a business trip), he wants to visit him for the next week.
The boss calls his secretary, the trip is canceled as he will receive a special visit. The secretary calls her husband, the trip is canceled. The husband calls his mistress, the wife has canceled her trip. The mistress calls the kid, they will continue their studies next week. The kid call grandpa, he won't come to visit him.
The boss calls his secretary, the trip is on again...
