Comical Abraham Lincolns Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)
He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
Which president is least guilty?
Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."
"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"
If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...
He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
I was named after Abraham Lincoln.
People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..
What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?
Both were shot before a live audience.
Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale…will be shot before a live audience.
My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"
One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."
If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?
Old age
You can explore abraham lincolns reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean abraham lincolns dad jokes. There are also abraham lincolns puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.
Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.
In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :
"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."
Blonde interviews to be a policeman
A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"
The Costume Party
The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a m**... case!"
Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree?
"I freed the what?"
What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?
What's a movie?
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
n**... & screaming, just like the rest of us.
What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?
"I'm in a cent"
Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?
Because he is in-a-cent.
Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln?
He doesn't do well in theaters.
"Never trust an actor with a gun"
said Abraham Lincoln
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"
The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...
When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
Who were the two most open minded presidents?
Abraham Lincoln and JFK...
I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...
He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.
A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln
A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being
The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.
She heard the story and went to the class.
She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?
A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland...
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?
Because he was always in a cent.
NBC is making a new documentary series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot in front of a live audience.
When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.
I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.
I robbed four stores seven years ago.
Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln?
Maury
