Abraham Lincoln Jokes
104 abraham lincoln jokes and hilarious abraham lincoln puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about abraham lincoln that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Abraham Lincoln Short Jokes
Short abraham lincoln jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The abraham lincoln humour may include short abe lincoln jokes also.
- My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
- If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
- I was named after Abraham Lincoln. People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before.. - What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.
- Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln. The finale…will be shot before a live audience.
- My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."
- What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?
- The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
- When I was 22 I lived a life of crime. I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.
I robbed four stores seven years ago. - If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say... ...why is it so dark in here?
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Abraham Lincoln One Liners
Which abraham lincoln one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with abraham lincoln? I can suggest the ones about george washington and luther king.
- Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
- If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
- What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"
- What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"
- Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln? He doesn't do well in theaters.
- "Never trust an actor with a gun" said Abraham Lincoln
- Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK...
- Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln? Because he was always in a cent.
- Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln? Maury
- I thought I would make a joke about Abraham Lincoln #It's worth a shot.
- If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln,... America would have really gone South.
- Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish? He was shot in the temple
- What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common? Neither can finish a play.
- Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail? Because he was in-a-cent!
- Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.
Hilarious Fun Abraham Lincoln Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about abraham lincoln you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean martin luther king jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make abraham lincoln pranks.
What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?
Neither of them can finish a play
Blonde interviews to be a policeman
A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"
What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?
They were the last three white guys with those last names.
Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser..
To download other browsers with
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
-Morgan Freeman
Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?
Abraham Lincoln.
What was Abraham Lincoln's seating preference?
Not John Wilkes Booth!
Be the change you wish to see in the world.
-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson
Which actor's performance had Abraham Lincoln on the edge of his seat?
John Wilkes Booth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
With this whole glitter beard trend...
If Abraham Lincoln were to participate. Wouldn't he be...
**Abraglam Lincoln!?**
Abraham Lincoln.
The reason I now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one.
Where did Abraham Lincoln go in 1865?
All over the wall
I'm a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes.
Listen to this absolute classic: Abraham Lincoln was never president !
I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...
...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.
Why would John Wilkes Booth kill Abraham Lincoln?
You would too if the guy in front of you at the Theatre was wearing a Top Hat!
(My 99 y/o Jewish grandma told me this joke tonight and I have never heard it before) - "Why was Abraham Lincoln Jewish?"
Because he was shot in the temple.
Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.
They're called the Lincoln Logs.
TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime
Because he's innocent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is invited to a costume party...
where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your s**... life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!
As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.
"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your s**... life?"
"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"
Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden
Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."
Donald Trump went to sleep.
He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".
You know...
KFC'S business has been booming ever since Abraham Lincoln became president
A man dies and goes to heaven...
He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go to a play with her. (n**...)
I said: As long as I get Abraham Lincoln's experience.
Apparently Abraham Lincoln was falsely accused of several crimes for almost a hundred years.
Good thing they eventually found him in a cent.
(This is probably a repost. Didn't bother to check.)
"Everything on the internet is accurate"
-Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.
Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.
What not to say at a broadway play
This is so bad I wish I was Abraham Lincoln
Two guys famous for having been shot in theaters . . .
. . . Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Peewee Herman
Who is my dog's favorite president?
Bark Obam—
NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.
But then it won't be funny.
STEVE.
...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.
A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln
A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being
The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.
She heard the story and went to the class.
She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.
-Abraham Lincoln
What's the difference between Abraham Lincoln and Harvey Weinstein?
Actors don't miss Weinstein
If Abraham Lincoln were gay, what would he be all over?
Pennies.
I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...
He'd probably be the oldest person alive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who killed Abraham Lincoln?
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a m**... case!"
You simply cannot trust quotes found on the internet.
—Abraham Lincoln, November 19, 1863.
I don't like Abraham Lincoln
He wasn't very headstrong.
Your Honor, here's a penny with Abraham Lincoln's face on it.
This shows I'm in-no-cent.
"It was recently proven that 80% of people will believe any statistic they read online."
-Abraham Lincoln
Who do you think was one of the most open minded president(s) in history?
I would have to say John F Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln.
Abraham Lincoln passed the constipation proclamation...
He set the brown things free.
Why did Abraham Lincoln die?
Because he kept Abraham Drinkin'.
It's funny because he was shot.
Lincoln
I heard Abraham Lincoln saw a good play.
The end was so mind blowing
Remember kids, Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vien,
He died in Washington D.C.
What was Abraham Lincoln's favorite pasta?
Penne
Shot in the back of the head
Name two people who were shot in the back of the head in a Theatre in America?
Abraham Lincoln and...
The guy in front of PeeWee Herman...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?
Because he is in-a-cent.
What octane gas would Abraham Lincoln put in a car?
Four Score and Seven
TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"
It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.
"There are a lot of false quotes on the internet."
-Abraham Lincoln
What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was accused of stealing a penny?
"Hey! I'm in-a-cent!"
Why can't Abraham Lincoln drive a car?
...cause he's dead.
What did Abraham Lincoln names his wiener?
The Lincoln Log!
The problem with quotes on the Internet...
is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."
\~ Abraham Lincoln
A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.
"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
A man dies and goes to Heaven...
When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.
"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.
"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."
Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.
The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"
"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
