Abraham Jokes

This article takes a humorous look at the tales of Abraham and his family, including Isaac, Jacob, Joshua and Lucifer. Learn more about the beloved patriarch and have a few laughs with these Abraham jokes.

Amusing & Witty Abraham Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say...

...why is it so dark in here?

Dan couldn't sleep all night...

and kept turning in bed. His wife wakes up and asks him "What's wrong dear, why can't you sleep?" He says "I owe $1000 to our neighbor Abraham, I am supposed to pay him tomorrow but I don't have the money." So his wife gets out of the bed, opens the window and yells to their neighbor: "HEY ABRAHAAAAAM! ABRAHAM! DAN WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY YOU THE MONEY TOMORROW." She goes back to bed and tells her husband "Now HE won't be able to sleep."

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there's a movie about him hunting vampires?

"What the fuck's a movie..."

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

jokes about abraham

The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"

With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Neither can finish a play.

Abraham joke, What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Friends son turned 13 today. Any teenager jokes I could give him?

I'll start. Why do we know Abrahams son wasn't a teen when Abraham tried to sacrifice him? Because if he was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life."

Abraham came fifth.

He won a toaster.

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.

She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree?

"I freed the what?"

You can explore abraham lucifer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean abraham abe dad jokes. There are also abraham puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?

What's a movie?

The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser..

To download other browsers with

Abraham Lincoln, 1863

-Morgan Freeman

Abraham joke, Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser..

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland...

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail?

Because he was in-a-cent!

I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...

He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?

Both were shot before a live audience.

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

Two Jews working in a shop.

One of them asks:

-Abraham, how much is 13 times 8?

-Are we buying or selling?

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Abraham joke, Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail?

Because he was in a cent

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."

The young boy thought for a moment and responded,

"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

A man is invited to a costume party...

where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your sex life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!

As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.

"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your sex life?"

"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln?


A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish?

He was shot in the temple

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being

The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.

She heard the story and went to the class.

She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.

But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.

-Abraham Lincoln

My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)

He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!

Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Which president is least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent

Abraham wandered into Sam's pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

How much will you give me for this jacket?

Sam checked it over. $20, and that's the best he replied.

But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. $20 or nothing.

Are you sure that's all it's worth? pressed Abe.


Okay, said Abe. "Here's your $20.Β  The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.

Who was the most learned person in the Bible?

Abraham. He knew a Lot.

A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller...

Wok inn two Abe R.

If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln,...

America would have really gone South.

Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?

Because he is in-a-cent.

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Who were the most open-minded US presidents?

Well it was a tie between JFK and Abraham Lincoln

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

I thought I would make a joke about Abraham Lincoln

#It's worth a shot.

The problem with quotes on the Internet...

is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."

\~ Abraham Lincoln

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.

I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.

I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.

How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to hell? asks the KGB agent.

I already speak Russian."

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."

"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."

"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."

Who were the two most open minded presidents?

Abraham Lincoln and JFK...

I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit.

I call it my Lincoln Logs

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

"I accept your sacrifice."

Good news, if your name is Cain.

Bad news, if your name is Abraham.

Tremendous news, if your name is Mikhail Tal.

This is literally what my non-religious brother said to my Astronaut colleague.

Colleague :Hey Abraham, you are a Jew right?

Abraham : Well, not exactly. I'm Jew-ish.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

When he meets Peter, he sees billions of clocks behind him.

"What's the deal with those clocks?" the man asks.

"Each of these clocks is bound to a person on Earth, either dead or alive," Peter replies. "Every time they lie, the pointers shift."

Peter then gives some examples: "This one is Mother Theresa's. It says 00:00, because she never lied. This one is Abraham Lincoln's. He lied twice..." etc.

The man, curious, then asks: "So... where's Mark Rutte's clock?"

"Oh, it's in my office: I use it as my fan!"

"Never trust an actor with a gun"

said Abraham Lincoln

NBC is making a new documentary series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale will be shot in front of a live audience.

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.

"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."

"Wow! And whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."

The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"

St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"

Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service

He never heard the end of it

Don't believe everything you read on the internet just because they quote someone famous.

β€” Abraham Lincoln

Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln.

The finale…will be shot before a live audience.

In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?

Naked & screaming, just like the rest of us.

Netflix is releasing a new series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale will be shot before a live audience.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the abraham isaac puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working abraham father abraham piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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