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Abraham Jokes

125 abraham jokes and hilarious abraham puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about abraham that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article takes a humorous look at the tales of Abraham and his family, including Isaac, Jacob, Joshua and Lucifer. Learn more about the beloved patriarch and have a few laughs with these Abraham jokes.

Funniest Abraham Short Jokes

Short abraham jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The abraham humour may include short abraham lincoln jokes also.

  1. My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!
  2. If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.
  3. I was named after Abraham Lincoln. People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
    But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..
  4. What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.
  5. Netflix is coming up with a new series about Abraham Lincoln. The finale…will be shot before a live audience.
  6. My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."
  7. The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life." Abraham came fifth.
    He won a toaster.
  8. Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC? Shot in front of a live studio audience.
  9. What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?
  10. A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller... Wok inn two Abe R.

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Abraham One Liners

Which abraham one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with abraham? I can suggest the ones about reward and lied.

  1. Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent
  2. If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age
  3. What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"
  4. What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"
  5. Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached? Because he is in-a-cent.
  6. Why are there not many films about Abraham Lincoln? He doesn't do well in theaters.
  7. "Never trust an actor with a gun" said Abraham Lincoln
  8. Who were the two most open minded presidents? Abraham Lincoln and JFK...
  9. All of these presidents are so corrupted Except for Abraham Lincoln, he was in a cent.
  10. Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln? Because he was always in a cent.
  11. Who was the most learned person in the Bible? Abraham. He knew a Lot.
  12. Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln? Maury
  13. I thought I would make a joke about Abraham Lincoln #It's worth a shot.
  14. If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln,... America would have really gone South.
  15. Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish? He was shot in the temple

Abraham Lincoln Jokes

Here is a list of funny abraham lincoln jokes and even better abraham lincoln puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"
  • I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today... He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.
  • A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
  • NBC is making a new documentary series on the life of Abraham Lincoln. The finale will be shot in front of a live audience.
  • When I was 22 I lived a life of crime. I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.
    I robbed four stores seven years ago.
  • If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say... ...why is it so dark in here?
  • Netflix is releasing a new series on the life of Abraham Lincoln. The finale will be shot before a live audience.
  • I keep a spreadsheet of every time Abraham Lincoln is mentioned on Reddit. I call it my Lincoln Logs
  • The main problem with the internet is that there is no way to validate most facts Abraham Lincoln. 1865
  • Abraham Lincoln went to see a play without bringing the Secret Service He never heard the end of it

Abraham Moses Jokes

Here is a list of funny abraham moses jokes and even better abraham moses puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Son: Dad may I borrow you car? Dad: Only if you get a haircut.
    Son: But dad, Abraham had long hair, Moses had long hair, & even Jesus had long hair.
    Dad: They walked too.
Abraham joke, Son: Dad may I borrow you car?

Abraham joke, Son: Dad may I borrow you car?

Amusing & Witty Abraham Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about abraham you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean clock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make abraham pranks.

Dan couldn't sleep all night...

and kept turning in bed. His wife wakes up and asks him "What's wrong dear, why can't you sleep?" He says "I owe $1000 to our neighbor Abraham, I am supposed to pay him tomorrow but I don't have the money." So his wife gets out of the bed, opens the window and yells to their neighbor: "HEY ABRAHAAAAAM! ABRAHAM! DAN WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY YOU THE MONEY TOMORROW." She goes back to bed and tells her husband "Now HE won't be able to sleep."

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there's a movie about him hunting vampires?

"What the f**...'s a movie..."

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Neither can finish a play.

Friends son turned 13 today. Any teenager jokes I could give him?

I'll start. Why do we know Abrahams son wasn't a teen when Abraham tried to sacrifice him? Because if he was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"
She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.
She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

They were the last three white guys with those last names.

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

Internet Explorer is actually my favorite browser..

To download other browsers with
Abraham Lincoln, 1863
-Morgan Freeman

Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today?

Abraham Lincoln.

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail?

Because he was in-a-cent!

With this whole glitter beard trend...

If Abraham Lincoln were to participate. Wouldn't he be...
**Abraglam Lincoln!?**

Abraham Lincoln.

The reason I now have to hire a dishwasher instead of buying one.

I'm a huge fan of politically incorrect jokes.

Listen to this absolute classic: Abraham Lincoln was never president !

I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...

...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.

Why would John Wilkes Booth kill Abraham Lincoln?

You would too if the guy in front of you at the Theatre was wearing a Top Hat!

Two Jews working in a shop.

One of them asks:
-Abraham, how much is 13 times 8?
-Are we buying or selling?

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail?

Because he was in a cent

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."
The young boy thought for a moment and responded,
"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

I want to give Abraham Lincoln head

So I can really get a taste of freedom

A man is invited to a costume party...

where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your s**... life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!
As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.
"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your s**... life?"
"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

You know...

KFC'S business has been booming ever since Abraham Lincoln became president

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

My girlfriend asked if I wanted to go to a play with her. (n**...)

I said: As long as I get Abraham Lincoln's experience.

Apparently Abraham Lincoln was falsely accused of several crimes for almost a hundred years.

Good thing they eventually found him in a cent.
(This is probably a repost. Didn't bother to check.)

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

Two guys famous for having been shot in theaters . . .

. . . Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Peewee Herman

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Who is my dog's favorite president?

Bark Obam—
NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.
But then it won't be funny.
STEVE.
...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being
The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.
She heard the story and went to the class.
She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

A Chinese pan, an Establishment for accommodation and drinks, the 2nd whole positive integer, and Abraham Ramsey

Wok Inn Two Abe R

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.

-Abraham Lincoln

If Abraham Lincoln were gay, what would he be all over?

Pennies.

I often like to think that if Abraham Lincoln was around today...

He'd probably be the oldest person alive.

Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a m**... case!"

Abraham wandered into Sam's pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

How much will you give me for this jacket?
Sam checked it over. $20, and that's the best he replied.
But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.
Sam was adamant. $20 or nothing.
Are you sure that's all it's worth? pressed Abe.
Positive
Okay, said Abe. "Here's your $20.  The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.

Your Honor, here's a penny with Abraham Lincoln's face on it.

This shows I'm in-no-cent.

The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

What octane gas would Abraham Lincoln put in a car?

Four Score and Seven

Who were the most open-minded US presidents?

Well it was a tie between JFK and Abraham Lincoln

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

"There are a lot of false quotes on the internet."

-Abraham Lincoln

What did Abraham Lincoln names his wiener?

The Lincoln Log!

The problem with quotes on the Internet...

is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."
\~ Abraham Lincoln

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."

A tour guide is showing people around Washington, DC, when they reach the Potomac River.

"On this spot, right here," says the guide, "Abraham Lincoln threw a ten-dollar bill all the way across the river in 1863."
"That's impossible," says a tourist. "No one could throw a piece of paper that far."
"Well," says the guide, "it must be understood that money went a lot farther in those days."

Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.

Son responds: Really? Well, when he was your age, he was president.

Abraham joke, Father to his young son: You should be ashamed. When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk t

jokes about abraham