Abraham Jokes

My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)

He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!

Which president is least guilty?

Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..."

"...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today...

He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.

But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common?

Both were shot before a live audience.

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?"

One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for?

Old age

Your age

In an effort to inspire his young son who did not want to go to school, his father told him :

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age he used to walk miles for the privilege of going to school."

The young boy thought for a moment and responded,

"Yes, but when he was your age he was President of the United States."

Blonde interviews to be a policeman

A blonde goes to an interview to be a police officer. The interview goes well until the interviewer asks some general knowledge questions. She does ok on the first few, until she is asked, " who shot Abraham Lincoln?"

She tells the interviewer she doesn't know, and he tells her to go home and work on the answer. Her mom calls her later and asks how the interview went.

She tells her mom, "great, they already have me working on a case"

The Costume Party

The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old geezer dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"

With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."

Who killed Abraham Lincoln?

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

The lord said to Abraham, "Come forth and I'll give you eternal life."

Abraham came fifth.

He won a toaster.

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC?

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree?

"I freed the what?"

Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...

The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a murder investigation"

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires?

What's a movie?

A man dies and goes to heaven...

He goes up to the gates of heaven and sees a wall of clocks. He asks an angel, "what are all those clocks" the angel tells him that they are lie clocks. Everybody has one, and every time you lie it ticks one notch over. The angel points to a clock labeled "Abraham Lincoln" which has 3 lies. The man asks the angel "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The angel replies "Its in Jesus's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man goes to heaven, but the first thing he noticed was a wall covered in clocks.

He asks an angel "What are those clocks for?"

"Each clocks shows represents each human on Earth. Every time they lie, the clock goes a head by one minute. For example, this is the Pope's clock, it has never moved, meaning never in his life has he lied."

The angel goes on. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. It's only moved twice, meaning Lincoln only lied twice!"

The man asks "Is there clocks for other politicians?"

The angel says "Clocks of other politicians? We use those as ceiling fans for the offices."

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

"That clock is for Mother Teresa, for she has never lied."

"Where is Donald Trump's clock?" The man asked.

"Oh, Jesus is using it as a celing fan in his office."

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime?

"I'm in a cent"

A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...

The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"

"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."

The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.

"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.

"What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?"

"Honest Abe has two ticks on his."

Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?"

God looks up at the man and tells him, "Oh, that clock's not here. It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man goes into heaven...

...he sees a lot of clock's and asks what they're for.

Jesus says, "These are lying clocks. If a person tells a lie the minute hand moves."

Jesus points to one clock and says, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have only moved a bit."

Jesus points to another clock and says, "This is my Mother's clock, it has never moved since she has never told a lie."

Suddenly the man asks where George Bush has his clock.

Jesus says, "It used to be in my office for a fan."

The man asks why it's not his fan anymore.

Jesus answers, "We're using Obama's for a generator to get the Air Conditioning going."

Hillary Clinton is elected president, . . .

and on the first night she spends in the White House, she is visited by the ghost of George Washington. She asks him, "George, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of George Washington responds, "Never tell a lie."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

The next night, she is visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson. She asks him, "Thomas, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Thomas Jefferson responds, "Listen to the people."

She says, "Oh, I don't think I can do that."

On the third night, she is visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks him, "Abraham, what can I do to best serve the United States?"

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln responds, "Go see a play."

Everyone has a Lie-Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: 'What are those clocks?'
St. Peter answered: 'Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is this?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.
'that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?'
'her Clock in in Jesus office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached?

Because he is in-a-cent.

Friends son turned 13 today. Any teenager jokes I could give him?

I'll start. Why do we know Abrahams son wasn't a teen when Abraham tried to sacrifice him? Because if he was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

The police break into Abraham Lincolns house...

When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller...

Wok inn two Abe R.

A man dies and goes to Heaven...

He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today...

He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

President's Day jokes

Q. Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping?

A. Because he couldn't lie.

Q. What do you call George Washington's false teeth?

A. Presidentures!

Q. What would George Washington be if he were alive today?

A. Really, really, really old!

Abraham Lincoln made many humorous quotes and jokes in his lifetime:

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues.

Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

A teacher asked in a class full of blondes who killed Abraham Lincoln

A student said It wasn't me
Second blonde said I was absent yesterday
Another blonde I couldn't kill a fly and you ask me if I killed a human being

The teacher frustratingly left the classroom and head to the principal,whose happen to be blonde.

She heard the story and went to the class.

She left the classroom and asked the teacher are you sure the killer in this class?

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln?

Because he was always in a cent.

When I was 22 I lived a life of crime.

I'm 29 now, but back then I would dress up as Abraham Lincoln and rob convenience stores.

I robbed four stores seven years ago.

A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland...

A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Who was the most learned person in the Bible?

Abraham. He knew a Lot.

Two Jews working in a shop.

One of them asks:

-Abraham, how much is 13 times 8?

-Are we buying or selling?

Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln?

Maury

If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say...

...why is it so dark in here?

I thought I would make a joke about Abraham Lincoln

#It's worth a shot.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he heard there's a movie about him hunting vampires?

"What the fuck's a movie..."

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime

Because he's innocent.

If it weren't for Abraham Lincoln,...

America would have really gone South.

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it.

-Abraham Lincoln

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

Dan couldn't sleep all night...

and kept turning in bed. His wife wakes up and asks him "What's wrong dear, why can't you sleep?" He says "I owe $1000 to our neighbor Abraham, I am supposed to pay him tomorrow but I don't have the money." So his wife gets out of the bed, opens the window and yells to their neighbor: "HEY ABRAHAAAAAM! ABRAHAM! DAN WON'T BE ABLE TO PAY YOU THE MONEY TOMORROW." She goes back to bed and tells her husband "Now HE won't be able to sleep."

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more.

They're called the Lincoln Logs.

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish?

He was shot in the temple

A man is invited to a costume party...

where the theme is to come as something or someone that represents your sex life. After thinking a little, he finally comes up with the perfect costume!

As he enters the party, the host comes up to ask him about his costume.

"I'm curious, how does Abraham Lincoln represent your sex life?"

"Easy," he replies. "My last four scores were seven years ago!"

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common?

Neither can finish a play.

Who were the most open-minded US presidents?

Well it was a tie between JFK and Abraham Lincoln

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail?

Because he was in-a-cent!

The problem with quotes on the Internet...

is that it is hard to verify their authenticity."

\~ Abraham Lincoln

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day.

Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Abraham wandered into Sam's pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

How much will you give me for this jacket?

Sam checked it over. $20, and that's the best he replied.

But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. $20 or nothing.

Are you sure that's all it's worth? pressed Abe.

Positive

Okay, said Abe. "Here's your $20.  The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common?

Neither of them can finish a play

TIL (Today I learned) who coined the phrase "The trouble with quotes on the internet is that you can never know if they are genuine"

It was former US President Abraham Lincoln.

Abraham Lincoln was better at finishing plays than the Seahawks.

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden

Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day...

...so I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.

The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.

-Abraham Lincoln, 1933

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail?

Because he was in a cent

A guys dies and goes to heaven...

St. Peter is giving the guy a tour. They walk down a huge hallway filled with clocks.
"What are all these clocks for" the guy asked.
"Every person who has ever lived has a clock and every time they lie it ticks 1 second" St peter says
"So where is george washingtons clocks at the guy asked." St. peter points behind them and says
"It has only ever ticked 3 seconds." The guys then asked "where is Abraham Lincolns clock at." St peters points in front of them and says "it has never ticked a single second." The guy then asked "where Donald Trumps clock at" st peters say "oh, it is in jesus's office he is using it as a ceiling fan."

Donald Trump went to sleep.

He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

Be the change you wish to see in the world.

-Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and Thomas Jefferson

What do George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and Abraham Lincoln have in common?

They were the last three white guys with those last names.

We have collected gags that can be used as Abraham pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Abraham, here are one liners and funny Abraham pick up lines.

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