Aboard Jokes

Following is our collection of naval humor and atlantic one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Aboard puns for adults, dirty all aboard jokes or clean takeoff gags for kids.

There is an abundance of vessel jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 31 funniest jokes on aboard. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any boat witze you can hear about aboard.

The Best jokes about Aboard

TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean.

A Catholic priest is drowning in the Ocean. A lifeguard swims past and asks the priest: "Do you need help?"
Priest replies: "Don't worry. God will save me."
A few minutes go by and another life guard swims past. He says: "Here, grab my hand I can help you get back to shore"
Priest replies: "Never fear, God will save me."
A few more minutes go past and the Priest is really struggling. A fishing boat comes along and they ask: "Do you need help? Climb aboard we can help you."
Again the priest replies: "I have faith, God will save me."


 

Priest drowns and goes to heaven. He meets God and asks "Why God? I have been a devout Catholic why did you not save me?!" God replies "What are you talking about I sent you two lifeguards and a boat!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to Chicago. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

Passengers aboard an airplane watched nervously

As two men wearing pilots' uniforms and dark glasses use canes to feel their way into the cockpit.

The plane starts barreling down the runway, and the passengers begin to get scared as the water at the end of the airstrip nears. With only a few yards left, everyone screams, but the plane lifts off just in time. The passengers think it was all a joke, while in the cockpit, the pilots high five.

"You know," says one pilot to the other, "one day they're gonna scream too late, and we're gonna die."

A plane was going down

and there were 4 people aboard: The president, the smartest man in the world, an old man, and a little girl. However, there were only 3 parachutes. The president said, "I'm too important to die," and took a parachute and jumped. The smartest man in the world said, "other people will need my smarts," and he also jumped off. The old man said,"you can go, my life is almost over anyway." The girl said," no, we can both go. The smartest man in the world took my Dora backpack."


The train ride to the engineering and math convention

A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.

Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.

He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.

So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

Two aliens are talking aboard their ship

Alien 1: Did the humans get our message?

Alien 2: Yes, but they named it dubstep and are dancing to it

Alien 1: Idiots

A religious man is on his boat at sea

A religious man is on his boat at sea. Hes all alone when his boat starts to sink. Luckily a nearby boat sees that he is sinking and goes over to rescue him. The rescuer shouts from his boat "climb aboard, ill save you". The religious man shouts back "no thank you, god will save me." So the rescuer continues onward.

1 hour later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by to save him. Again, the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me." The rescuer continues onward.

Another hour passes and the water level is now up to his neck when yet a third boat arrives to help him out. But again the religious man says "No thank you. God will save me".

Soon after that, the water raises over his head and he drowns and dies. When he gets to heaven he goes up to God and says "hey God, why didn't you save me?". And God says "dude i tried. I sent three boats".

Someone snuck aboard the Death Star and stabbed Darth Vader with a lightsaber.

It was a space in Vader.

45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails

And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.

The pastor promptly took up a collection.....

Three guys are aboard a jet as it's about to crash and there are only two parachutes...

The first guy has the parachutes and gives both of them to the others, the second guy says thank you and jumps. The third guy before jumping asks "Wow, why would you do such a thing, why not save your own life?". The first guy then looks at him and says, "What are you crazy, I gave the second guy an empty backpack".


Noah and the Two Snakes.

Noah, after settling his ship down and letting loose the animals aboard his Ark unto the world, noticed a pair of snakes that were left behind.

"Well, what are you guys still doing here?" Asked Noah.

"Remember how you said 'go forth and multiply' ?" One of the snakes replied.

"Yes..." Noah responded, looking deeply confused.

"We can't, we're adders."

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.

"Arrr, an Aye for an eye it is, then."

A navy crew aboard a submarine are called by their initials...

A new recruit joins the crew, his name Ben Olivander. His crew-mates consist of Fredrick Udell, Collin Kilmer, Oscar Chase, and Owen Omar Faber.

BO is quickly made fun of by OC, although FU, CK, and OOF enjoy BO's company as he is funny and kind. Due to this, OC is somewhat outcasted on board and nobody likes him.

The captain later comes in as OC is complaining about his poor treatment.

BO, FU, CK, and OOF, why are you guys so rude to one of our members!

Why doesn't anyone on this sub like OC!?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman

Found themselves aboard a plane that is about to crash. The Englishman decides he would rather die on his own terms and yells "god save me" and jumped. Miraculously he landed on a haystack safe and sound. The Irishman, seeing this, thinks he too might as well give it a try. So he yells out loud "god save me" and jumps. He lands in a lake, safe and sound. The Scotsman now thoroughly encouraged takes a running leap and jumps out of the plane. He yells out in his thick Scottish accent "god shave me", and lands in a barbers shop.

Man overboard!

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard.

"Sailor," he asked, "what would you do if someone fell over the rail?"

"Officer or enlisted Sir?" was the instant reply.

"Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?"

"Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery."

"Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what would you do if an officer fell over the side?"

The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, "Which one?"

Aboard a train a man turns to a woman and asks "would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

...She thinks about it and decides that she would. "Would you do it for $10?" he asks. "Ugh, no!" she replies. "What do you take me for?"--"I Thought we already established that and now we are haggling for the price."

Flight Attendant on the Airplane

The other day I was on a red eye flight from Logan Airport in Boston to SeaTac in Seattle. The pilot got on the intercom and did his courtesy remarks: "welcome aboard, our flight will be 5 and a 1/2 hours... please relax and enjoy the rest of your flight."

After making the announcement he proceeds to talk to the co-pilot without turning off the intercom: "man, I sure could use a cup of coffee and a good lay right now."

The stewardess comes running up from the back of the plane to tell the pilot that the intercom is still on when the guy sitting behind me yells: "hey hun! Don't forget the coffee!"

A massive rabbit aboard a United Airlines flight turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says

"Ehhh, what's up Doc?"


The sailor's birthday

Because of a minor infraction, a sailor aboard the USS Reeves, bound for Japan, was busted one rank, fined and given extra duty for three weeks. Looking forward to celebrating his 21st birthday on July 22, he consoled himself every night during his extra duty by reciting, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

As July 22 approached, his excitement increased. When he went to bed on July 21, he happily repeated, "They can bust me, they can fine me -- but they can't take away my birthday."

The next morning, he found out that the ship had crossed the international date line -- and it was July 23.

An old man was piloting a small plane with his wife and kids aboard as a powerful storm raged.

Don't fret so much, he said to them as they were filled with fear. If anything should happen to me, I've provided for all of you very generously in my will.

Why was Obama nervous when eating a T-bone aboard Air Force One?

Because the steaks had never been higher.

To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear ...

Old Space.

My wife asked me "If you had a loaded gun, and you saw 2 busses that were going to collide and you could save one by shooting the driver of the other (killing everyone aboard) one bus loaded with children, the other loaded with my parents and relatives, who would you save?"

I told her "That's a loaded question"

I was abducted a few years ago. I was taken aboard a ship

where they made me brush my teeth three times a day, wash behind my ears and eat all my greens I think I was on the mothership.

What job did the ex-therapist do aboard the ship?

Anchor Management.

TIL a Jew killed the people aboard the Titanic

It was an Iceberg

so a plane was going down..

There were 4 people aboard the plane and only 3 parachutes; the people were the richest man in the world, the smartest man in the world, the nicest man in the world, and a kid. The first man said "I am the richest man alive, So I get a parachute", he put it on and jumped out. The smartest man in the world said "I am the smartest person alive so I get one too". He grabbed a bag and jumped out. The nicest man said to the kid you are young so you take the last parachute. The kid turned and said "no, look, the smart guy took my backpack!".

Two astronauts aboard the space station are talking.

The first one says "Is there no one who can get me milk for my coffee?" The second one says "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

Argentina's missing submarine found a year after it vanished with 44 aboard.

Whoops, wrong sub.

Dyslexic Dave had a little too much to drink and decided to take public transit home. As he boarded, the driver said Welcome aboard the Main Street Express...

.... whoops, sorry, wrong bus.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes