Ability Jokes

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.

Why is spiderman so good at comebacks?

Because with great power comes great response ability.

Did you hear about the transformer who lost his ability to change into a seven-sided shape?

He's a de-septagon.

I have an amazing ability, I find objects just before people lose them.

The police however call it theft.

There are 2 types of people in this world

Those with the ability to extrapolate information from incomplete data

A man rubs a bottle and a genie comes out,

The genie says to the man, "I will grant you one wish however, it must be within reason" The man thinks for a second and says "I want a dragon!" the genie replies "Are you mad? I said within reason!" Again the man thinks and finally speaks. "I wish for the ability to plug a USB cable in right every time." The genie thinks, then says,

What color do you want your dragon?

Would you like the ability to read minds?

Mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind mind

Never underestimate a hoe's ability to do arithmetic.

Because its the thot that counts.

50% of being a lawyer is the ability to use latin phrases that people don't understand

the other 50% is *ad hoc ergo propter hoc*

I like my women like I like my computer data,

with the ability to back it up.

A famous armorer was called to court...

…to demonstrate his new plate design. He set it on a stand in the middle of a grand gallery. The king called in his executioner, a dour and muscular man who prided himself in his ability to slice folk exactly in half, to strike the suit. With a sonorous clang! the executioner's heavy sword bounced off of the chest piece. Frustrated, he pointed an accusatory finger at the armorer and cried This is why we can't halve nice things!

A young first officer asks his Captain

A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"

And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"

"Yes, my sir, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."

"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all these stupid things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn't say that's 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

Uncles funeral tomorrow- his fave joke

Tomorrow morning is my Uncle/Godfather's funeral. In honor of him I present to you his favorite joke, one I heard multiple times a week until he lost the ability to speak about ten years ago. *this is to the best of my memory*

This guy dies and goes to heaven, when he gets to the Pearly Gates, St peter checks the list and tells him he can enter. The guy asks St Peter if he has everyone that will be going to heaven on that list. St Peter answers 'yes'. He then asks St Peter if his brothers and sisters are on the list, to which St Peter replies 'yes' as well. So the guy asks St Peter if he enjoys spending his time outside the gates of Heaven. St Peter tells him 'No, but somebody has to inform people if they are getting into Heaven or not.' So they guy tells St Peter, 'instead of standing at the Pearly Gates waiting to let people know if they're going to Heaven why don't you just send everybody a letter?' St Peter likes that idea and sends the letter to the guys brothers and sisters and everybody on the list. When they got that letter they opened it up, and do you know what that letter said?.......No? I didn't get one either.

The Chinese have successfully tested their new Stealth Drones.

Not only will they be used in Recon and Combat missions but they will have the ability to drop vital equipment onto the battlefield.

They will have the element of supplies.

Once upon a time there was a girl,

this girl had the ability to heal others any other living thing imaginable. One day a very injured demon came into her door and out of the kindness of her heart she healed him. The demon rose up and thanked her while he girl outstretched her hand to shake it, as was customary. But alas the demon flew away. For healing a demon the town denounced her and called her a heretic and decided he lynch her. As she was hanging the demon flew in and saved her. She asked Why did you save me he replied. I'm not just gonna leave you hanging!

An American businessman is on a business trip in Japan.

One day he decides to hire a hooker.

The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming: "Hoshimota! Hoshimota!"

He can't quite remember what the word means, but he is positive that he pleased the hooker to the best of his ability.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, when he suddenly makes a hole in one.

Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese, and he can't think of anything to say but "Hoshimota!"

Concerned, his partner turns to him and says: "What do you mean 'The wrong hole'?"

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

An animal lover talks to a turk

He asks the turk:"May I talk to your horse?"

"Horse not talk", he replies.

The animal lover asks the horse : "Hello horse how are you doing do you have enough food?"

"I'm doing fine and there is more than enough food too."

The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your dog?"

"Dog not talk", he replies.

The animal lover now next to the dog asks him: "Hello Dog are you alright?'

"I can't complain, I have a warm place to sleep" he replies

The animal lover asks the turk : "May I talk to your goat?"

The turk slowly realising the ability the animal lover has answers:"Goat lies"

What was that Spiderman quote again?

With great reflexes, comes great response ability.

Terms & Conditions

The zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the zoo vet found the female gorilla was on heat and there was no male of the species.

The zoo management discovered that one of their staff
possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
So the zoo approached him with a proposition, Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for Rs. 50,000?


He showed some interest but said he would have to think.

The next day he announced that he would accept their offer,
but under three conditions:

1. You won't make a video recording,

2. You must never tell anyone about this.

3. I will need at least one week to arrange the money

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

Post Jokes About Americans

As an American, I've heard a lot about other countries. I recently heard one about Americans and it's got me wondering what else is out there. The Joke:


An American walks into a London pub.

A local notices and says, "Oi, look! An American! You know, if there's one thing I like about you Americans, it's your ability to appreciate irony!"

To which the American says, "Hey, thanks!"

What do you call a Mexican melon?

A cantelopez!


Came up with this on all by myself. I'm a new Dad, so I feel as if I've significantly leveled up my Dad Joke ability.

Job interview for a circus

A man is having a job interview for a circus. The interviewer asks: "What's your ability?"

"I can imitate birds"

"Look, I'm sorry but this is not the kind of things we are looking for"

The guy answers: "Fine, fine, thanks anyway", then he opens the window and flies away.

Not to brag, but I have a psychic ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say....It's a gift.

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...

Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

My friend has a unique ability; he can always tell if there are lions near by.

He's got a great sense of pride.

Today's Horoscope:

"You are easily influenced by what you read and have the ability to make vague sentences somehow applicable to your own existence."

If dogs had the ability to speak to humans

We still would have no idea what Scottish Terriers would be trying to tell us.

Some scientists believe the ability to create language was because we ate so much meat as primates.

That's why vegans can only say "i'm vegan".

A man was being interviewed for a job in CIA

Interviewer: We want a person with suspicious mind, always alert, merciless, ready to attack, acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly having a killer Instinct. So, do you think you are eligible?

Man: Sir... Can my wife apply?

A weird man with a weird condition

The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?

Back in WWII, the Marine Corps used Navajo speakers as "code talkers"...

The other Marines were always impressed with the enigmatic skills the Navajos had in predicting weather, where to find water, and tracking ability.

One day on a patrol, a Navajo Marine on point came across a footprint ostensibly left by the enemy.

"The man who left this footprint is an Imperial soldier. He stands five-foot-six tall and weighs 120 pounds..."

The Navajo proceeded to recite a litany of information on the man who left the tracks.

Amazed, one of the others remarked: "You got all that from a footprint??"

"No. We got his license."

One day three blondes were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river.

They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.
The first blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her big arms and strong legs, and she was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this the second blonde prayed to god saying, 'Please god, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.' Poof! God gave her a rowboat and she was able to row across the river in about three hours. The third blond had seen how this worked out for the other two, so she also prayed to god saying, 'please god, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river.' And Poof! God turned her into a man. He looked at the map, then walked upstream and across the bridge.

So a man one day gains the ability to make a car made of coins.

It's acceleration was a quarter faster than a dragster, the frame costed mere pennies, and the interior was full nickel, but people didn't think it made cents.

A news reporter rushes to the man in awe, asking, but does it even have brakes? The man simply looked back and said "Of course. It stops on a dime."

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

Whenever my buddy gets high, he gains a strange ability to speak multiple languages.

He is Rosetta stoned.

My dad's joke.

'Did you know there were Female hormones in beer?'

Because, if you start drinking too much.
You don't have the ability to drive, and you get fat.

In the window of a bar in Philadelphia

Drop a bucket of Starbuck's Iced Coffee on your head to raise awareness of the rich city girls who have lost their ability to even.

I asked a genie for the ability to shoot microwaves from my hands...

Clunk. These are heavy.

What country questions your ability to perform?

Ken ya? Ken ya?

My father thinks himself an expert at cutting through busy sidewalks.

I consider his ability rather pedestrian.

Doubting wife!

My wife has absolutely no confidence in my ability to repair electrical items around the house.

Well, she's in for a shock!

A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert...

The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled,
"Play it again!"

Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again.
When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more,
"Play it again!"

Knowing he was pressed for time, the Violinist replied,
"I am honored by your request sir, but I have another concert to perform in Turkey and I have to catch my flight.

Finally, the man said,
"You are going to sit down and play it again until you get it right!"

The mountain gazelle is said to have the ability to jump higher than the average house

Considering houses don't jump

Artemis the Strangler

A few years ago, there was a hitman named Artemis who was known and sought after for his uncanny ability to strangle people. One day, he got an assignment from the local mob to take out a man who owed huge amounts of money and was refusing to pay it back. Artemis took the job, but the man turned out to be almost impossible to find. The target would seemingly vanish whenever Artemis was in the vicinity and tracking him was practically impossible.

However, one day Artemis got a call from his boss. The man had been spotted at a local Kroger and, since nobody knew when he would appear again, Artemis was to strangle the man in the store. Artemis was reluctant at first, but he was getting very tired of the long project and agreed to track the man inside.

Luckily, Artemis was able to corner the man in the produce aisle and strangle him. Unluckily, just as he was laying the man's body down, a woman came around the corner. Artemis panicked and in his desperation strangled the woman, only to see a poor store clerk out of the corner of his eye. Artemis strangled this man too. Finally, a manager came around the corner and also met his end.

All of this became too much for Artemis to cover up and he was arrested outside of the store. The next day, the local paper ran the headline:

ARTY CHOKES FOUR FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGERS

Marvel are developing a new super hero who has the ability to remotely edit people's DNA.

He will be called Gene Hackman

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

My newborn nephew entered the world with the innate ability to dance. They ran tests and found that he got the ability by being born with an extra chromosome. The doctors are calling it...

"Get down syndrome"

I have the ability to leave a building 5m before the fire alarm starts

I call it premature evacuation.

I have a special ability that lets me see both the past and future at the same time.

Some say it's a gift, but I think of it as the present.

Had a vasectomy, was told it would stop my ability to have kids...

Apparently it just makes them change colors.

To test my ability to emphasthize I tried to force myself to empathize with Brock Turner

But if I learned anything from him it's that some things should never be forced

I have an ability that I can leave buildings 3m before the fire alarm goes off

But for some reason people call me pyromaniac

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook's right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

My policy for a good, healthy sexual relationship is this: "From each according to their ability; to each according to their needs."

Or as I like to call it, Cummunism.

Making fun of a short's person height is cruel and requires no ability...

... one could even say it's the lowest form of humour.

A Recent Study Found That...

...Christian women tend to become atheists after marriage. I don't find that surprising. After marriage, a woman does lose faith in a man's ability to come a second time.

When people find out I work in a food tinning factory they always doubt my ability to do my job.

But I can.

The devil and a lawyer are having a conversation

The devil says, "I will give you the ability to win every case you get, in exchange for your soul." The lawyer replies, "Okay, what's the catch?"

What would a skeptic say if you were to tell them that you had a supernatural ability to detect Indian bread?

Naansense!

What is your best ability?

I have grate speling.

Spider Sense

With great power comes greats response ability.

I think there are female hormones in beer

Because, if you start drinking to much you start to get fat and you lose the ability to drive.

My teacher said we have the ability to clone we just don't know what kind of rights they should have.

I simply replied copyright

Yo mama so fat

The avengers hired her for her ability to be everywhere at once!

We have collected gags that can be used as Ability pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Ability, here are one liners and funny Ability pick up lines.

Joko Jokes