Howlingly Hilarious Abe Lincoln Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.
Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Civil War spoilers
Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.
Shot in front of a live studio audience.
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts.
I call them my Lincoln logs.
JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history.
I think it's because they were so Open Minded.
You can explore abe lincoln lincoln assassinated reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean abe lincoln ford theatre dad jokes. There are also abe lincoln puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
why did abe lincoln get released from prison?
because he's in a cent
What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?
"I set WHO free?"
What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested?
I'm-in-a-cent!
I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...
that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.
Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church?
Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.
What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln?
Don't axe me!
I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.
How do you Abe Lincoln never committed a crime
Because he's In-a-cent
What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?
They can't finish a play.
"The Theater must always be a safe and special place"
- Abe Lincoln
What do you call Abe Lincoln having sex?
The emancipator-procreator.
Name two people shot in the back of the head in a theatre.
Abe Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.
Apparently Abe Lincoln was a Jew
He was shot in the temple
Ohhh Abe.
What did Abraham Lincoln say after a 3 day drunken stupor?
I FREED WHO!
A man died and went to heaven
As St. Peter showed him around, he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."
"That's incredible" said the man
"Where's Trump's?" he asked
"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
If Lincoln dictated a false statement for his son
You could say he Abed and abetted
Why didn't Abe Lincoln want to go into the restaurant?
There were too many booths.
