Abe Lincoln Jokes
48 abe lincoln jokes and hilarious abe lincoln puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about abe lincoln that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Abe Lincoln Short Jokes
Short abe lincoln jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The abe lincoln humour may include short abraham lincoln jokes also.
- Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
- Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.
- NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln. Shot in front of a live studio audience.
- I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater... that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.
- Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church? Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.
- What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln? Don't axe me!
I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.
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Abe Lincoln One Liners
Which abe lincoln one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with abe lincoln? I can suggest the ones about lincoln theater and bob dylan.
- I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts. I call them my Lincoln logs.
- why did abe lincoln get released from prison? because he's in a cent
- What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested? I'm-in-a-cent!
- What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln? They can't finish a play.
- "The Theater must always be a safe and special place" - Abe Lincoln
- Apparently Abe Lincoln was a Jew He was shot in the temple
- If Lincoln dictated a false statement for his son You could say he Abed and abetted
- Why didn't Abe Lincoln want to go into the restaurant? There were too many booths.
- Abe Lincoln is on an airplane. What seat does he have? 2B (Or, not 2B)
- What did Abe Lincoln say to the judge when he asked how he pleas? I'm in a cent.
- What do you call Abe Lincoln having s**...? The emancipator-procreator.
- "I like making holes" Said the bullet that killed Abe Lincoln
Howlingly Hilarious Abe Lincoln Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about abe lincoln you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean edgar allen jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make abe lincoln pranks.
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.
She has waited so long…
The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don’t know about that."
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."
"Oh! I really don’t want to do that."
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears…
Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
An older man walks into a bar...
...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Halo
Mother Teresa passed away and was on her way up to Heaven when she finally met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He looked at her with such pride and said, "Mother Teresa! Thank you for everything you did for the world. Because of the good you did, I will give you this halo. Only the greatest figures in world history get these ." She thanked him as he placed the halo upon her head. She then walked into heaven and saw some of these amazing figures wearing halos, too. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., Abe Lincoln, etc. Then she looked over and noticed Princess Diana with a bigger halo than everyone else. Mother Teresa stormed over to St. Peter, and started yelling, "You know, I was born into wealth, and gave that all away to live in complete poverty. The s**... of the Earth my whole life!" To which he replied, "I know! We greatly appreciate it. What is the problem?" She replied, "How come Princess Diana gets a halo? She was born into wealth, stayed wealthy her whole life, and I just don't think she did anything above and beyond to deserve that halo." St. Peter was confused. He looked at Mother Teresa and said, "Um, that isn't a halo. That's a f**...' steering wheel."
A man died and went to heaven..
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Obama's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...
The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"
"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."
The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.
"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.
"What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?"
"Honest Abe has two ticks on his."
Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?"
God looks up at the man and tells him, "Oh, that clock's not here. It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Semi-old Joke: Lie Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Obama's clock?" asked the man.
"Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man died and went to heaven...
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
Bill Clinton died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.
"Oh," said Bill, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."
"Where's Hillary's clock?" Bill asked.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Everyone has a Lie-Clock
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked: 'What are those clocks?'
St. Peter answered: 'Those are Lie-Clocks, everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,' said the man, 'Whose clock is this?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.
'that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?'
'her Clock in in Jesus office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'
Clinton consults the past
Hillary went for a walk one morning and came upon the Washington monument. She asked, "George, what should I do?" After a few seconds a ghostly voice replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over." She thought about this for a few seconds and continued her walk.
Shortly afterwards she stepped up to the Jefferson Memorial and stopped to ask "Tom, what should I do?" After a few seconds Tom's disembodied voice replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
She thought about this while continuing on to the Lincoln Memorial, and once again she asked the same question. After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
The Wall of Lie-Clocks
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indication that she never told a lie."
"Incredible" said the man.
"And that's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe told two lies his entire life."
"Where's Trump's clock?"
"His clock is in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man died and went to heaven
As St. Peter showed him around, he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."
"That's incredible" said the man
"Where's Trump's?" he asked
"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."
Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
Ghosts in the Whitehouse
One night, Donald J Trump was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the Whitehouse. Trump asks "George, what is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Set an honest and honourable example, just as I did" Washington said.
The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved though the dark bedroom. "Tom," Trump asks, "What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"
"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," Jefferson advises
Trump didn't sleep well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe. what is the best thing I can do the help the country?" Trump asks.
Abe answered, "Go see a play"
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"
"Incredible," said the man.
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where is Trump's clock?"
"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan
Oldy repurposed
Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"
A teacher asked her kindergartens...
Who the most important person in history is and whoever gets it right gets 5 dollars, one of the kids yells, "Abe Lincoln." The teacher smiles and shakes her head no, another kid yells, "George Washington." Again, the teacher shakes her head. The class becomes quiet as they all begin to think before one of the children goes, "jesus!" The teacher responds."That's right! But wait, aren't you jewish?" To which the child goes, "well, the correct answer is Moses, but business is business."
