Abe Lincoln Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Abe Lincoln jokes. There are some abe lincoln lincoln assassination jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these abe lincoln shinzo puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Howlingly Hilarious Abe Lincoln Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

jokes about abe lincoln

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie"

"Incredible," said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His Clock is in Jesus office. He's using it as a ceiling fan

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Oldy repurposed

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the protraits of our greatest leaders.
Looking at Washington, the Donald said:
"George, you were the first. Can you give me some advise?"
A ghostly voice replied
"Tell the truth"
Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson.
" Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?"
Another voice said "Be for the people"
As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on.
He stood before Lincoln and asked " Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?"
A new voice drifted by saying
"Go to the Theater"

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?

St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.

The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.

Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?

St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

I have a spreadsheet of all the Abe Lincoln reposts.

I call them my Lincoln logs.

JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history.

I think it's because they were so Open Minded.

You can explore abe lincoln lincoln assassinated reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean abe lincoln ford theatre dad jokes. There are also abe lincoln puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

why did abe lincoln get released from prison?

because he's in a cent

What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

"I set WHO free?"

What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested?


I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church?

Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.

What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln?

Don't axe me!

I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.

How do you Abe Lincoln never committed a crime

Because he's In-a-cent

What do Maple Leaf players have in common with Abe Lincoln?

They can't finish a play.

"The Theater must always be a safe and special place"

- Abe Lincoln

What do you call Abe Lincoln having sex?

The emancipator-procreator.

Name two people shot in the back of the head in a theatre.

Abe Lincoln and the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.

Apparently Abe Lincoln was a Jew

He was shot in the temple

Ohhh Abe.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a 3 day drunken stupor?


A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

If Lincoln dictated a false statement for his son

You could say he Abed and abetted

Why didn't Abe Lincoln want to go into the restaurant?

There were too many booths.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the abe lincoln lincoln puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working abe lincoln presidential assassinations piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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