Abe Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.

Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln.

Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.

He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.

The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?

The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. When the immigration officer asked for his name he said - **Sam Ting**

Jewish sense of humor

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."


Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.

Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Rancher Abe and his mating bull

Abe the rancher was having issues with his stock because his prized bull would not mate. Abe's friends told him to try a vaginal smear technique.
They told Abe to get a cow and rub the vaginal juices and then rub it onto and under the bulls nose

Sure enough, Abe's prized bull when crazy and began to mate that day.

After a long day of success Abe headed back to his home where his wife was sound asleep. He saw his wife laying there and though maybe he'd give the vaginal smear technique at try on himself. He reached into her panties, fondled around and smeared the juices all over his nose.

Instantly he felt a surge, he was up and ready to go. He tried to wake up his wife, "Honey! Honey get up! I have something important to show you!"

Abe's wife looked at him in shock "Abe! You woke me up to tell me you had a nose bleed?!?!"

Johnny was sitting in class...

...and the teacher told them they would be dismissed after they matched the quote to the president. She starts with "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Johnny raises his hand, but Sally calls out "FDR"

"Correct!" says the teacher, and lets her leave.

She asks the next quote:

"If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong."

Johnny raises his hand again, but Sarah calls out "Abe Lincoln"

The teacher lets Sarah leave.

At this point, Johnny is getting pretty pissed off and says "I wish all these bitches would shut up."

The teacher asks "Who said that?"

Johnny yells "Bill Clinton" and runs out of the room.

Baseball heaven?

There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you, and if you die first, you come back and tell me, if there is basebal l in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Abe thinks his wife is trying to poison him.

Abe goes to see his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong, Abe?"

Abe replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi was very surprised by this and asks, "How can that be?"

Abe then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls Abe and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

Abe anxiously says, "Yes."

"Take the poison,"

A Man visits Heaven and notices a wall of clocks...

The man asks God, "What are all those clocks for?"

"They represent each time someone lies. When they do, the clock moves one tick."

The man walks around, observing the clocks. "Who right here has zero ticks?" he questions.

"That would be Jesus' clock." replies God.

"What about Abraham Lincoln's clock?"

"Honest Abe has two ticks on his."

Curious about the clocks, the man decides to ask, "Where is the President's clock?"

God looks up at the man and tells him, "Oh, that clock's not here. It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven

As St. Peter showed him around,Β he couldn't help but notice all the clocks on the wall. So, being curious, he asked "What are all of these clocks for?" "Those are lie clocks. Each person on earth has one, and when you lie, the hands move. This one is mother Teresa's. It's never moved, showing that she's never lied. This is abe Lincoln's. It's moved twice showing he had told only two lies."Β 

"That's incredible" said the man

"Where's Trump's?" he asked

"Oh it's in God's office, he's using it as a ceiling fan."

A Chinese pan, an establishment for accommodation and drinks, a number, and Abraham Rockefeller...

Wok inn two Abe R.

What do you name the male and female twin monkeys?

Abe and Anna

JFK and Abe Lincoln were two of the greatest president of all history.

I think it's because they were so Open Minded.

A 10-year-old boy and his mother. (With apologies to Abe Hirschfeld)

A ten-year-old boy goes up to his mother one day and asks her "Mother, how old are you?" and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her age." The next day he goes up to her again and asks "Mother, how much do you weigh", and she responds "It's not polite to ask a woman her weight." Then the next day he asks her again, "Mother, why are you divorced?" and she says "Son, you're too young. When we're older, we'll discuss it.

The next day, the boy approaches his mother again, and this time tells her, "Mother, I've found your driver's license, and it gives me all the answers. It says that you're 35 years old, you weigh 190 pounds, and in sex, you got an F!"

Two old Jewish men

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Convert to Catholicism and get $100".

One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?"

"Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it."

Abe says, "What are you, crazy?"

Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it."

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church. Twenty minutes later he walks out with his head bowed.

"So," asks Abe, "did you get your hundred dollars?"

Murray looks up at him and says, "Is that all you people think of?"

Abraham wandered into Sam's pawnshop and placed a leather coat on the counter.

How much will you give me for this jacket?

Sam checked it over. $20, and that's the best he replied.

But that jacket is worth $100" argued Abraham.

Sam was adamant. $20 or nothing.

Are you sure that's all it's worth? pressed Abe.

Positive

Okay, said Abe. "Here's your $20.Β  The jacket was hanging in your doorway and I was wondering how much it was worth.

why did abe lincoln get released from prison?

because he's in a cent

Abe & Becky are in bed ....

Abe says to Becky 'Take off your nightie' to which Becky says 'No'

Abe tries again 'Please take off your nightie'. 'No' says Becky.

Abe is really frustrated, gets up and goes out for a walk slamming the door behind him - so Becky locks it.

When Abe gets back he hammers on the door and asks Becky to open it which she refuses to do.

Abe is really annoyed now so he batters the door down. As he is standing there Becky says :-

'What a man. Strong enough to batter a door down but not strong enough to lift a nightie' !!!

What did Abe Lincoln say when he was arrested?

I'm-in-a-cent!

What did Abe Lincoln say after a night of drinking?

"I set WHO free?"

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater...

that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

I love Honest Abe. Do you want to hear my favourite quote from him?

"My head hurts."

A man walks into a bar

His name is Nathan Abe (initials NA) and he is firefighter, a second later a arsonist girl named Clair Laurence (initials CL)walks into the bar. The two start to hit it off. Eventually they go home together, the next day the mans mom calls. She asks about love life. He says, "its kind of ironic bond".

Why did Abe Lincoln and Stephen Douglas get thrown out of the church?

Because they were caught mass debating in the bathroom.

The Japanese Prime Minister formally protested after meeting Trump at the White House

Mr Trump treated Shinzo Abe to his trademark greeting, involving a muscular grasping of the hand and the subsequent pulling of the recipient towards him in a dominant way.

Mr Abe said, "What an awful yank. And I didn't like the handshake either."

A Chinese pan, an Establishment for accommodation and drinks, the 2nd whole positive integer, and Abraham Ramsey

Wok Inn Two Abe R

I've always wanted to see a live performance of "Our American Cousin"

My buddy Abe wouldn't stop raving about it. He kept talking about how his mind was literally blown.

How do you Abe Lincoln never committed a crime

Because he's In-a-cent

What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln?

Don't axe me!

I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.

What do you call Abe Lincoln having sex?

The emancipator-procreator.

"The Theater must always be a safe and special place"

- Abe Lincoln

Did you know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?

He got shot in the temple

They called their son Honest Abe, because his father was honest.

They called their daughter Bloody Mary...

What are the funniest abe jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Abe? Well, here are the best Abe puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Abe pick up lines to share with friends.

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