Abducted Jokes

Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and aliens.

Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.

My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

How many abducted women does it take to change a light bulb?

Five is apparently not enough because my basement is still dark.

When my girlfriend told me that her fantasy was to be abducted, I thought she was joking.

But she demands to be taken, seriously!

A priest is walking through the woods at night

He is stopped by a policeman. The priest asks, "What seems to be the problem, officer?" The policeman replies, "A Boy Scout was abducted in the area, and we are looking for a potential child molester." The priest thinks for a second, and says, "I'll do it."

Alien abduction

Harry, Bill, and Steve are siting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed. "Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and was abducted by an alien." Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?" "All I remember is being anally probed." Ted says. Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that." Says Harry. "What did the alien look like?" Ted responds, "Steve."

I prevented two girls from being abducted today.

My van wouldn't start.

Chuck Norris was abducted by aliens.

The aliens were never seen again.

Did you know that the number of legs in the air of a horse statue indicate how its rider died?

If there are no legs in the air, the rider survived the war.
If there is one leg in the air, the rider was mortally wounded and died after a battle.
If there are two legs in the air, the rider was killed in battle.
If there are three legs in the air, the rider died in a tragic circus accident.
If there are four legs in the air, the rider was abducted by aliens and died in space.

My late wife was abducted by a troupe of travelling Mime artists.

The police informed me, they did... Unspeakable things to her.

What is the procedure when a sheep gets abducted?

The police send out a LAMBer alert

Jesus had a twin that was abducted shortly after birth

In other words, there was doppelganger stranger danger in the manger.

Ever wondered why only morons report being abducted by Aliens?

Because the Aliens don't keep the stupid ones.

The CEO of a big company got abducted...

The abductors released a message through the PA system:

"Prepare ten million by noon or we burn him alive!"

The employees frantically decided to gather, and one proposed to pitch in together in order to help out.

Some pitched in five litres, some pitched in ten.

If you've been kidnapped by immigrants

You've been abducted by aliens

I was abducted by aliens last night

I tried to communicate, but I didn't know Spanish

I came up with a movie idea. A man's daughter is abducted. This man has has a unique set of skills and goes on a revenge rampage.

But the idea was taken.

My mother-in-law has been abducted in Argentina. When the kidnappers called me, I asked if $10000 would be ok.

They said they didn't have so much money.

I was once abducted

The aleins even showed me outside the ship, i was breathless

I have been abducted by aliens searching for people with Alzheimer's.

When I woke up, the first thing they asked me was which date is today. I'm afraid "how did I get here" was not a good answer.

Rival School Prank

On the night before a rival football game several high school seniors abducted four cows from a local farmer. In red paint, they labeled each of the cows. On the first cow was the "#1", on the second was "#2", the third was "#3" and on the final cow they wrote the number "#5". The students then released the cows in various parts of their rival's school grounds. The next morning, the cows were found and quickly rounded up. The rival school then spent the entire day searching for cow #4.

I was abducted a few years ago. I was taken aboard a ship

where they made me brush my teeth three times a day, wash behind my ears and eat all my greens I think I was on the mothership.

My wife Jen said penguins abducted our daughter

Twenty minutes later, they came back and took Jen, too.

When a fish get caught by humans

Do other fishes think that he was abducted by aliens ?

If all of congress were abducted...

Congress wouldn't pass the find congress act.

Do you wanna see how fast I can run to get ice cream?

There was no ice cream. I'm being abducted

Yoko Ono was abducted by alien lawyers in a UFO

They offered to represent her pro bono

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Joko Jokes