Abbot Jokes

There were some monks in a monastery...

...and they were looking after homeless people. The first homeless person goes up to the Abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned". The Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man replies "I stole money from a shop", "Go and drink from the fountain and you'll feel better.
The second homeless man goes up and explains that he had sinned by cheating on his wife. The Abbot again tells him to go and drink from the fountain and he would feel better.
The third homeless man goes up to the abbot and says "Abbot I've sinned" the Abbot replies "Well how have you sinned?". The man answers "I peed in the fountain".

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

'We missed the **R**!

We missed the **R**!

*We missed the* **R***!'*

His forehead is all bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...

CELEB**R**ATE !!!'

A novice is working in the scriptorium and he gets to wondering . . .

. . . if he is copying copies of copies of copies of copies, might errors have crept in somewhere. So he asks the abbot, who concedes the point, and descends to the manuscript repository to find the earliest copy of the MS in question.

The novice waits patiently, but the abbot is gone an awfully long time. Finally he ventures in to see what is amiss. There, in the distance, is the abbot. He is moaning to himself, beating his head against a pillar and repeating to himself,

"I cant believe it....the word was celebrate, the word was celebrate...."

A group of monks.

A group of monks are working in the Scriptorium when they realize there might be an error in the text they're copying. After a long debate over what they should do, the Abbot decides to go find the oldest copy they have. He takes quite a while to come back so the other monks decide to go check up on him. They find him in the back corner of the archives, clutching a tattered book and weeping. One of the monks runs to him and asks what was the matter. The Abbot replies "It says celebrate! CELEBRATE!"

So a novice monk is copying texts...

So a novice monk is copying texts in a monastery. As he diligently works, get get's to thinking, "Hmm, if I just copy my master's work, and he just copied his master's work, and his master just copied them from his master, and so on, then what if there was a mistake? Wouldn't the mistake just be propagated with each new apprentice?" Finally, this thought gets to be too much, so he goes to the Abbot of the monastery. After tell the Abbot what he thinks, the Abbot says, "Wow, that's quite a weight on your mind. Let me go check the archives so I can prove that there is no mistake." The monk doesn't see the abbot again for several hours, but when he does, the Abbot rushes up and shouts, "Ahhh! We've made a horrible mistake!" "What is it?!" replied the monk. "There is a word changed," said the Abbot, "it's supposed to say 'celebrate!'"

A man wanted to became a monk...

So he spoke to the Abbot.
He was told he must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.
The man agreed and after the first three years the Abbot asked him what his two words were.
"Food's cold" he replied.
3 years went by and the Abbot asked him again what his two words were.
"Dirty rooms" he replied.
3 more years went by in the Abbot ask him what his words were.
"I quit!" He replied
The Abbot responded "Well, I'm not surprised. All you've done is complain since you got here."

Ricky Nelson would be proud

I had a dream the other night. I was at an Italian restaurant, as I was walking in unnoticed Lou Abbot and Mary Tyler Moore waiting to be seated and Corey Hart was leaving having already ate. I made a gesture and said Hello Mary, Lou, and goodbye Hart.

Abbott and Costello

Costello: . . . I was in love with a bow-legged cowgirl and she was roundin' up cattle. Abbott: And what happened? Costello: She couldn't get her calves together. ~ Rio Rita (1942)

Up at a Carpathian Monastery...

A particularly strict abbot plans to punish a fellow brother for running out of morning prayer to use the outhouse. So the abbot tells him:

"Brother, I'm going to ask you to make a handwritten copy of our sacred text in light of your actions this morning. You will abstain from sleep during this time."

Begrudgingly, the monk walks into the library and starts on the manuscript.

Two days later, during morning prayer, the same monk runs into the prayer room, frantic and in tears. The abbot asks:

"Brother, are you okay? What is wrong?"

The monk grabs the abbot by the shoulders and shakes him as he says in tears:


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