Abandon Jokes

I have recently become a new man

I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

Password security questions for the depressed

What is the name of your least favorite child?

In what year did you abandon your dreams?

What is the maiden name of your father's mistress?

At what age did your childhood pet run away?

What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?

In what city did you first experience ennui?

What is your ex-wife's newest last name?

What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?

What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?

What was the middle name of your first rebound?

On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?

When did you stop trying?

A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life...

Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage.
"Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance."
The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist.
"How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table."
"So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist.
"Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can't eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."

So this woman had a baby boy...

...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.

The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"

Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"

"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish this paint job in our birthday suits. This church has been abandoned for years, and even if somebody comes, we can always throw our robes back on in a second." The other nuns agree.

A few minutes later there's a knock on the door. One of the nuns looks through the mail slot and sees a man standing there. So she says "Who is it?" and the man answers "I'm the blind man."

Relieved the nun opens the door, and the man walks in and says "Nice hooters. Where do you want these blinds?"

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

Why did Rihanna abandon the Catholic faith?

She found love in a Popeless place.

Abandoned slogan: Become an organ donor...

...What have you got to lose?

Three men are driving in the desert when their car breaks down.

The men decide that they must split up and survive on their own for the best chances. They are then forced to abandon the car. To be fair, they decide that they can each take one part of the car to help them.

The first man decides that he wants to take the car battery, he is an engineer and believes he can hook it up to somehow keep his phone charged as he travels the desert.

The second man decides he wants the water pump because he can drink from it when he gets thirsty.

The third man, who was a little slow, wanted to take a car door with him. His reasoning was, if it ever gets to hot, I can just roll the window down

The abandoned high school James Dean attended collapsed

Now it's just rubble without a cause.

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

What do you call a midget who has been abandon by their parents?

A Dworphan.

Did you hear about the microbiologist who tore his pants?

He had to abandon his experimments to focus on some jean splicing.

What do you say when there's a singer, guitarist, bassist, and a drummer in a boat?

Abandon ship

Why did the scientist abandon making his electron radio?

There was too much static.

To abandon an ice cream sundae in Death Valley is to

Desert your dessert in a desert.

What is it called when a flock of sheep abandon their leader?


A man goes to a Chinese takeout.

Orders the starter combo platter, eats one piece, leaves the rest on the counter,

and strolls off with wanton abandon.

There's an abandoned house near where I live with lots of holes in the walls. I've visited there numerous times...

I still haven't been sucked off by any ghosts.

I treat my television in the same way that I treat my girlfriends.

I abandon them and subscribe to Netflix

Why did the Catholic church decide to abandon science?

Light stopped having mass

Elon Musk has decided to abandon his dream of going to Mars and pursue a career in perfume sales.

In honor of the canceled Mars program he will be debuting 'SpaceAxe', a signature Elon "Musk".

Why did the crew abandon the chili pepper boat?

It was capsaicin. ^(Don't hurt me.)

Theres a new sign on the statue of liberty

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter

Pirate Captain is strutten through the club a patch on each eye a puffy shirt and a stuffed toy kitten hanging from his ear. One guy nudges his mate and says "check ouwt this faggort Dwayne".
Pirate Captain turns and shouts "OI!!! I MAY BE BLIND BUT I HAVE ACUTE EARING"

In Mesopotamia when men decided to abandon their wives and children…

Do you think they said they were just going out for for ziggurats?

In ancient Egypt when Men decided to abandon their families...

They would say they were going out for ziggurats and never return.

We have collected gags that can be used as Abandon pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Abandon, here are one liners and funny Abandon pick up lines.

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