A Taxidermist Jokes

What are some A Taxidermist jokes?

If you're ever chased by a pack of taxidermists

DO NOT play dead.

Taxidermist walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," says the man. The bartender looks bewildered, so the man explains, "I mount dead animals."

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar, "It's OK, boys! He's one of us!"

A woman had 2 pet rabbits.

When they both died unexpectedly, she decided to get them stuffed so she took them to a taxidermist.

"Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist asked.

She thought about it for a moment and said, "no, holding hands is fine".

What do taxidermists do for fun?

Oh, you know... Stuff...

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

Did you hear about the guy who is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian?

He has a sign on his door: Either way, you get your dog back.

An old lady's beloved pair of pet rabbits died

So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

What does a taxidermist do for a living?

Oh you know... stuff...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the OB gets there, the taxidermist hands him a *wallet*! It is beautifully made, with thousands of tiny stitches, but it's *disappointingly small*.

OB: What? I gave you thousands of foreskins! That's it?

The taxidermist grins and says "When you rub it, it turns into a suitcase!"

I bought my daughter some stuffed animals for her birthday.

In hindsight, getting them at the taxidermist was probably a bad idea.

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

[On a date] Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a taxidermist
Date: Oh... wow.
Fox: And a ventriloquist

Guy walks into a taxidermists...

Guy walks into a taxidermists with two cardboard boxes, one under each arm.

"Yes sir, can I help you?" Asks the taxidermist.

"I hope so" replies the guy "It's my two pet monkeys you see... they were out playing in the road yesterday and a car came swerving round the corner, and they weren't looking... and anyway they were both killed and I was wondering if you could take a look and tell me if it would be possible to get them stuffed?"

So the taxidermist looks in the first box, then he looks in the second box, then he turns to the guy and says "Yes sir I think we could do something really nice here. Would you like them mounted?"

"Naa" says the guy "Just holding hands would be fine"

Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could stuff them and they would almost look lifelike. He asked if she would like them mounted.
"No" she said, "holding paws would be fine."

A man walks into a bar in Iraq

Traveling through the middle east a man walks into a bar. As soon as he sits down, he realizes the entire bar is filled with ISIS soldiers. he nervously orders a drink trying not to draw attention, The head ISIS leader comes over with a knife in his hand.
"You're not from around here are you"? ask the ISIS leader.
"n, no... I'm from America" the man says.
"are you an American soldier?"
"actually... I'm a taxidermist." Says the man.
"What in the world is a taxidermist?" the leader asks him.
"Well... you know.. I mount animals" the man replies.
A big smile comes over the ISIS leaders face..
"He's ok fellas... he's one of us!"

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead.

A hunter takes two monkeys to a taxidermist…

The taxidermist asks Do you want these mounted?

The hunter responds No, holding hands would be just fine

A woman wants her two dead pet cats taxidermied.

"Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist says.

the woman replies
"no, just holding hands"

If you are chased by a bunch of Taxidermists

Don't play dead

Guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and the bartender asks, What can I get you sir?
Man says, White wine .
Everyone in the bar overheard and gives him a stern look, bartender then proceeds to ask, You're not from around here are ya?
Man: Nope from Massachusetts's
Bartender: Well what do you do for a living?
Man: I'm a Taxidermist
Bartender is confused and proceeds to ask what it is he does.
Man: I mount animals for a living!
Bartender yells out to the bar, Don't worry boys he's one of us!!

Growing up, my kid always had lots of stuffed animals....

...but he never appreciated them. Everything we went to the taxidermist he'd start crying.

My neighbor is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian

He has a sign that says either way you get your dog back

A man asks a taxidermist what they do for a living...

He replies:
"I dunno... stuff... I guess..."

John has two monkeys that died within 24 hours of each other.

He took them to the taxidermist, because he loved them and wanted to keep them with him forever.

The taxidermist said, "Do you want them mounted?"

John said, "No, just have them shaking hands."

(from a book of old jokes)

What do taxidermists say when you don't have enough money to pay for a whole duck?

"I'll send you the bill"

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood...

...because she was a taxidermist.

My mother is dating a taxidermist...

That's right, he's stuffing my mother.

Did you hear about the taxidermist who messed up the award?

It was a real catasstrophy!

Why couldn't the taxidermist finish anything he started?

Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects

The difference between an Optimist and a Bird Taxidermist

The taxidermist sees a gamebird as a mixture of multiple species

The optimist only sees it as half-fowl

No. I'm not a taxidermist.

I did say I would stuff your beaver.

Trophy Wife

Any wife can be a trophy wife...

... if you take her to a taxidermist.

Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.

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