A Man Goes To The Doctor Jokes
86 a man goes to the doctor jokes and hilarious a man goes to the doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about a man goes to the doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest A Man Goes To The Doctor Short Jokes
Short a man goes to the doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The a man goes to the doctor humour may include short went to the doctor jokes also.
- A man goes to the doctors as he thinks he's going deaf What are the symptoms? The doctor asks
They're that yellow family that live in Springfield - Doctor, doctor A man goes into the doctors and says "doctor doctor I think I'm going deaf" and the doctor says "can you describe the symptoms" and he says "yes, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair"
- Invisible man Invisible man goes to the doctor.
Doctor says "I can't see you right now."
-Christ Novacelic, Reading 1992 - A man goes to a doctor for his phobia of getting married. The doctor asks, "Do you know about any of the symptoms?
The man replies, "Can't say I do." - A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"
- A man goes to the doctor \- Doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere.
The doctor then asks:
\- Have you seen a psychologist?
The man:
\- No, no doctor, only blue elephants! - A man goes to the doctor Man: doctor I'm having problems with my hearing
Doc: can you describe the symptoms?
Man: marge has blue hair and homer is a fat guy - A Man Goes To His Doctor Doctor: Pick a star sign. Any star sign
Man: Alright, i choose Capricorn
Doctor: Nah you got Cancer - A chinese man goes to the eye doctor... The doctor says "You have cataract. " and the chinese guy says "No, I have a rinkin continental."
- A man goes to the doctor... "Doctor, will I be ok?"
"I don't know, Mercury is in uranus right now"
"I don't do astronomy doc"
"Me neither, my thermometer just broke"
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A Man Goes To The Doctor One Liners
Which a man goes to the doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with a man goes to the doctor? I can suggest the ones about i went to the doctors and doctor visit.
- A man goes to the proctologist The doctor gave him a thumbs up.
- A man goes to see a doctor Doctor: What brought you here to see me?
Man: A car. - a man goes to his doctor because of chest pains...
Ridiculous A Man Goes To The Doctor Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about a man goes to the doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean a doctor and a patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make a man goes to the doctor pranks.
A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 p**....
The doctor says, " 5 p**...!? How do your pants fit?"
The man replies, " like a glove."
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nut
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
A man goes to the doctor for a physical.
The doctor tells him, "You have to stop m**...."
The man says, "Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
A man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a problem, I have 5 p**..."
The doctor says "Woow, how do your pants fit?", he replies "like a glove"
New Prostate Exam Joke
A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an e**... during this part of the exam".
The patient answers "I don't have an e**..."
The Doctor replies "I know, I do"
A man goes to the doctor ...
... and says "Doctor, I'm having a really strange problem. I can't get the song *What's New, p**...* out of my head.
Doctor says, "Well, it sounds like you may have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man opens his eyes wide. "I never heard of that before," he said. "Is it rare?"
Doctor shakes his head. "It's not unusual."
A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.
He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month later he walks into the doctor's office with a full head of hair. He notices that the doctor has grown a mustache and beard.
A man goes to the doctor and says, Doctor, my s**... life is not very good, I can't perform very well in bed.
The doctor says, You don't look very fit, are you getting any exercise? The man replied that he wasn't exercising at all, so the doctor said, I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved. The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, Are you performing any better in bed now? The man says, I don't know, I'm 35 miles away.
A man goes to the Doctor
and tells him he's been having terrible gas, but his farts don't smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his condition.
Yes! The man says. I still have terrible gas, but now my farts smell horrible!!
Great! Says the Doctor. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
"Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health"
The doctor says
"I would seem so, Mercury is in Uranus after all"
The man scoffs,
"No offence doc, but I dont believe in astrology"
"Neither do I" answers the doctor, "My thermometer broke"
A doctor's appointment
A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
A man goes to the Doctor
*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?
*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.
"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.
One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.
A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!
*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!
"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"
*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .
Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before
A man goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I've been throwin' up all day"
He tosses a ball up and it lands back in his hands. "See? This has been going on for hours and hours!"
The doctor studies him for a bit and then finally says, "Hmm... I think you've caught something..."
"Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. "
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think my wife has a hearing problem. She doesn't seem to hear what ever I tell her."
The doctor replies, "Oh, is that so? Well, let me try to help you. Just try this method when you get home today. Stand around 50 feet from her and ask her something. If she doesn't hear it, reduce the gap by 10 feet and so on till she can hear what you say."
The man satisfied with the reply, hurries home to try this little technique. He stands around 50 feet away from her, and shouts, "Hey honey, what's for dinner today?" He gets no response, so he moves closer and repeats the same question four more times till he's right next to her.
He asks the same question again and she says, "For heaven's sake, this is the fifth time I'm telling you, it's just fruit salad tonight!"
A joke my grandpa told me
A man goes to the doctor for a r**... exam. The doctor says "Sir, you really need to stop m**...."
The man, worried, asks "What? Why??"
The doctor replies "Because I'm trying to do my exam."
A Man goes to the doctor for a physical...
A Man goes to the doctor for a physical.
The Doctor says "You have to stop m**...."
The man asks "And why's that?"
The Doctor replies "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
A man goes to see his doctor...
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man says "What! why?"
The doctor says "So I can examine you"
A man goes to the doctor...
and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.
The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"
To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."
Tom Jones' Disease
A Man goes to the Doctor and lays out his problems. He says whenever he sees a cat he yells "What's New, p**...?"
If he sees a woman while on the street, he exclaims "She's A Lady!" which is really driving his wife crazy.
And speaking of his wife he keeps calling her Delilah, when her name is Susan!
The doctor says "Considering your symptoms, it sounds like you have Tom Jones' Disease"
"Tom Jones' Disease? I've never heard of that! Is it rare?"
"It's not unusual"
Man goes to a doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says "doctor, I have pain all over my body, everywhere I touch hurt". He then proceeds to point to various parts of his body cringing in pain. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and concludes. "Sir, it appears you have a broken finger".
Prostate exam
A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam. He pulls down his pants and after a while the doctor says "You're gonna have to stop m**...".
The man asks "Why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you.", replies the doctor.
A man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom'
A man goes to the doctor and says 'Doctor, I think I have a head of lettuce coming out of my bottom.'
The doctors says 'okay, let me have a look.'
After a brief examination the doctor says to the patient. 'Well sir, I have some bad news. I'm afraid this is only the tip of the iceberg'
A man goes to the doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've been stung by a bee! Can you put some ointment on it?"
The doctor says, "Sure, but I think the bee flew away already."
(Courtesy of my 10 year old)
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot in his nose, cabbage in his ears and ham over his eyes. What's wrong with me doc? He asks.
The doctor replies Well it looks like you're not eating right.
A man goes to the doctor...
The doctor says: "Well I've got bad news and even worse news"
The man says: "Give me the bad news first"
"You've got 24 hours to live" says the doctor,
So the man replies "What could be worse than that!?"
And the doctor says "Well, I tried to call you yesterday"
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot up his nose.
He has a stalk of celery in the other nostril and peas in his ears. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." The doctor says, "Well, you're not eating right."
A man goes to the doctor...
... and he says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I can't stop shaking my hips and singing Tom Jones songs."
To which the doctor replies, "Clearly sir, you have Tom Jones' Disease."
The man asks, "Is this common?"
The doctor answers, "It's not unusual."
A man goes to the doctor's office...
He tells the doctor "It's the strangest thing. Every time I see a cat, I can't help singing "What's new p**..., woah-oh-oh".
The doctor says "I've heard of this before! It's called 'Tom Jones Syndrome'"
"Tom Jones Syndrome?" The man asks. "Is it common?"
"It's not unusual"
I'll just apologise right now...
A man goes to the doctor. He says, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time."
The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that, Mr Jones?"
"I keep veering to the left, then to the right."
"I shouldn't worry about that," replies the doctor. "Those are just side effects..."
A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him
As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."
The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"
And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."
A man goes to the doctor
After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health
The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all
The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff
Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke
A man goes to the doctor
with a banana hanging halfway out his ear and a carrot sticking out of his nose. He says, "doc, I'm not feeling too hot".
Doc replies, "I can tell ya what's wrong just lookin' at ya. Clearly you're not eating properly."
A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...
He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"
The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."
"Trust me, it will be the LONGEST three months of your life !"
A man goes to the doctor because it burns when he pees.
When the doctor walks in the man notices how buff he is. This doctor is SWOLE.
The exam begins and after some time the muscular physician cannot stop bringing up the weather.
"Hotter than normal this time of year, don't you think?"
"There's a storm coming in this weekend."
On and on he goes.
After this continues for some time the man asks, "why do you keep talking about the weather? This has nothing to do with it burning when I pee."
"My apologies," said the doctor. "I'm a Meaty Urologist."
A Man Goes to the Doctor . . .
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup, and the doctor says to him, "Well, I've got some bad news for you. It seems that you've been m**... too much. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop m**...."
The man, shocked to find this out, responds "Wait, what do you mean!? Stop m**...? When can I start again?"
The doctor responds, "Well I'd appreciate it if you waited until you left my office."
*
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "Sir, you have to stop m**...."
The man asks, "Why, doc?" And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"
A Man Goes to the Doctor...
The Doctor says, "Mr. Smith - you have to stop m**...."
The man replies, "Why, Doctor?"
The Doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
[Originally heard from Walter Cronkite and Robin Williams]
A man goes to the doctor and says...
"Doc, it hurts when I poke here, when I poke here, and when I poke here. And it hurts here, and here, and here too. What's wrong with me, Doc?"
The doctor goes over to the man, examines him for a second, then says, "Well, it appears that you have a broken finger."
A man goes to the doctor to complain about chest pain.
The doctor asks him "Do you eat apples?", to which the man replies "Yes, one every day." The doctor takes a step back. "I'm sorry, you're on your own."
A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up on his Deep Vein Thrombosis
Doctor: "So I prescribed you blood thinners last month, have you been taking them?"
Man: "No. I have a great reason why not though"
Doctor: "Aaah! The clot thickens!"
A man goes to the Doctor and says 'Doctor, I keep feeling that everyone thinks I'm a liar'
'I find that very hard to believe' says the Doctor.
A man goes to the doctor for a prostate exam.
Midway through, the doctor says, "Don't worry, sir. It's perfectly normal to get an e**... during this procedure."
The man says, "What are you talking about doc? I'm not hard."
"I wasn't talking about you."
A man goes to the doctor to report a serious memory loss problem
Man: Doctor, I have a serious memory loss problem
Doctor: Hmm.. and since when did you have this problem?
Man: What problem?
A man goes to the doctor
The doctor says "I've got good news and bad news"
The man replies "Give me the good news first, doc."
The doctor says "The good news is we currently have that raccoon in our supply closet. The bad news is you ruined the punchline by asking for the good news first."
A man goes to the doctor
"What should I do doc?"
Asked the patient
"Well" said the doctor, "you need to stop m**..."
"Stop m**...? Why?"
"Because I'm trying to do a physical"
A man goes to the doctor.
The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist."
"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."
A man goes to the doctor
He presses gently on his own knee. "Doc, I gotta weird problem. It really hurts when I press here. But that's not all..."
He presses a spot on his forehead. "...It also hurts when I press here."
Then he presses his opposite elbow. "AND it hurts when I press here. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor thinks a second and says "It appears you have a broken finger."
A man goes to the doctor...
A man goes to the doctor, feeling a bit under the weather. After running several lengthy tests, the doctor sits the man down.
Unfortunately, there are two diagnoses I have to give you. You have cancer, and are unlikely to live more than a year
That's unfortunate, replies the man.
As for the second diagnosis, you have Alzheimer's.
Well, replies the man, at least I don't have cancer.
A man goes to the doctor...
The doctor asks him what's wrong.
"Doc, my chest has been hurting, and I've had a terrible cough for three days. And I think I've been running a fever."
The doctor looks him up and down and quickly says, "Well I can tell you right now you're going to have to stop m**... immediately."
Shocked, the man says "Why???"
"So I can examine you."
A man goes to the doctor
Not sure if this is a repost. Haven't seen it here yet.
A man goes to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor does all the usual tests, and comes back into the room. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You don't have much longer left to live."
"What do you mean I don't have much longer left to live? How long have I got?"
"10."
"10 what?! Months? Weeks?!"
"9..."
"Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said. "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"
A man goes to the doctor for a follow-up. The doctor says, "I have bad news, and I have worse news."
The man says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"
The doctor informs him, "You have 24 hours to live."
The man asks, "What's the worse news?"
"I forgot to tell you yesterday."
A man goes to the doctor's.
And says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "You keep thinking you're a moth!?!"
Man: "Yes, I keep thinking I'm a moth."
Doctor: "Well, I have to say, I'm a general practitioner. This is really a case for a psychiatrist. I know a good guy who I can recommend."
Man: "You know, it's funny you should say that doc, I was actually on my way to the psychiatrist...but I noticed your light was on."
A man goes to the doctor for an annual checkup
When the doctor walks in he looks at the man's chart and says although it is awkward, I believe you are the right age for a prostate exam.
The man sighs, bends over the table and drops his drawers.
Now just to let you know this may cause an e**..., warns the doctor.
I think I'll be fine, the man replied
I wasn't talking about you.
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup...
...and the doctor says:
"I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"Give me the good news," says the man.
"You have twenty four hours to live."
"What?" says the man. "If that's the good news, what's the bad news?"
"I should have told you yesterday."
So a man goes to the doctors office...
And the doctor says, "I'm sorry, you have cancer."
The man says, "I want a second opinion."
The doctor replies, "alright, you're ugly too."
A man goes to the doctor with a carrot sticking out of his ear..
a banana in his other ear, spaghetti on his head and a sausage sticking out of his nose.
He says "Doctor, I'm not feeling very well".
Doctor replies "Hmmm, I don't think your eating properly".
A man goes to the doctor.
The man says,
"Doctor, I'm having serious trouble remembering what an airport building is called."
The doctor adopts a worried looks on his face, and says
"I'm so sorry. It's terminal."
A man goes to the doctor for a check up
After some tests the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease. Man: Oh, that's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised...
A man goes to the doctors to get his first son circumcised. He meets with a pediatrician who says "ya know we used to use the f**... from the circumcision to do skin transplants for kids born without eyelids... But we had to stop because they started coming out cockeyed"
A man goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor I am very sad"
Doctor: "Treatment is simple - go see Orville, very funny clown!"
Pagliacci: "What about Pagliacci?"
Doctor: "Pagliacci? Man I could not name a more suckass clown!"
Pagliacci: ...
Doctor: "Just downright dogshit of a clown"
Can you speak into my good ear? Doh!
A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor he is having trouble hearing. the doctor asks him to describe the symptoms. The man replies "Homer is the fat guy and his wife is marge with the blue hair..."
A man goes to the doctors...
and says "I think I'm a moth"
The Doctor says, "I think you need to see a psychiatrist about that".
The man says, "Yeah I was on my way but I saw your light was on".
A man goes to the doctor as he has a problem speaking.
He says, Doctor, I'm having a problem where I can't speak this specific letter. It's getting really irritating!
The doctor, using his quick thinking, says, Alright, repeat all the letters in the alphabet for me.
The man rattles of the first twenty, but then clams up, face full of frustration and resignation.
Ah, the doctor says. It seems like it's a u problem.
A man goes to the doctor and says that everywhere on his body hurts when touched.
The doctor says; Your finger is broken.
A man goes to the doctor's for a circumcision
He asks how much it will cost.
The doctor replies, "No charge, i only take the tips."
A man goes to the doctor
He tells the doctor, "Doctor, doctor! I have a serious problem. I can never remember what I just said."
The doctor says, "When did you first notice this problem?"
The man replies, "What problem?"
A man goes to the doctor and tells the doctor
"Please doc you have to help me. Everywhere I touch my self it hurts. If I touch my leg, ow that hurts, if I touch my arm, ow that hurts. If I touch my head ow that hurts.
Doctor looks him over and asks him " Sir where are you from?"
The guys says "I from Newfoundland"
The Doctor says "Son your fingers broken!"
A Man Goes to the Doctor
A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.
Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?
Ten, says the doctor.
Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.
Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.
The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.
A man goes to the doctor....
He says, "I don't know what's happening: I've grown a hairy chest, sideburns and I'm started talking in a Welsh accent.
"Ah", said the doctor, "I think you have Tom Jones sydrome".
"I've never heard of that", says the man, "is it very common?"
The doctor says, "It's not unusual."
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says : Mr Smith you have to stop m**.... The man asks : why doctor ?
Because I'm trying to examine you.
Joke is from the late, great, Robin Williams.
A man goes to the doctor
"Doctor," he says, "I'm worried that I might be losing my hearing."
"Oh," replies the doctor, "can you describe the symptoms?"
"Of course," says the man, "Homer's a fat idiot and Marge has big blue hair."
A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me...
A man goes to the doctor and he says "Doctor, Doctor you've got to help me, I can't stop singing what's new p**..."
The doctor says "Seems like a textbook case of Tom Jones syndrome"
The man says "Well, what is it? Is it rare"
And the doctor goes "Well, It's not unusual"
A man goes to the doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says "Doctor! I've broken my arm in several places!"
The Doctor looks at him like he's an idiot and says "Well then, don't go to those places..."
A man goes to the doctor
The doctor runs some tests and asks the man to come back in a few days for the results.
When the man returns the doctor sits him down and says;
I'm afraid I have some bad news, two things actually.
What is it? asks the man
Well, the doctor says, you have cancer.
Oh no, the man says, whats the other thing?
You have alzheimer's, the doctor says.
Well, the man says, at least I don't have cancer.
