A Man A Wife A Cop Jokes

Following is our collection of honey humor and doctor one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include A Man A Wife A Cop puns for adults, dirty patrolman jokes or clean operator gags for kids.

There is an abundance of lady jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 37 funniest jokes on a man a wife a cop. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any doc witze you can hear about a man a wife a cop.

The Best jokes about A Man A Wife A Cop

A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on

He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it.

Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!"

Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much..."

Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"

A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….

...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?

The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.

Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.

Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.

The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

Old man driving alone

An old man is driving along the road humming to himself.
Suddenly he hears a police siren and a motorcycle cop pulls him over.
He can't imagine what could be wrong.
"Sir, do you realize that you left your wife behind in the gas station?"
"I did? I am so relieved."
"You're relieved you drove off without your wife?"
The gent nods.
"But didn't you sense something was wrong?"
"Yes, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A 65 year old man driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the senior. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


A man is walking to his car late at night

When he sees a woman on a shady corner. He goes up to ask if she's alright and she responds

"I'm a hooker, are you interested?"

The man decides to live a little and takes her up on her offer and they go back to his car and go at it like rabbits.

Some time during, a cop pulls up and knocks on the window.

"Excuse me sir what exactly are you doing?"

The man answers "I'm having sex with my wife"

The cop replies with "I apologize, I didn't know."

The man responds with "Me neither."

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the militiaman says, you're drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs and says Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way. Out of earshot the man tells his wife, See, I told you is wouldn't hurt to give the kid five grams of vodka.

Driving a brand new Bugatti

A senior citizen drove his brand new Bugatti to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror , he saw a police car behind him.
He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 170, ...

Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him .

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes.
Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend.
If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before for why you were speeding.
I'll let U go."

The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!

The Cop left saying,
" Have a good Night , Sir"

A man is driving with his wife...

They drive past a cop when suddenly, the man's wife falls out of the car. The cop pulls the car over to talk to the man.
The cop says: "Sir, did you know your wife fell out of the car back there?"
The man responds: "Oh thank god! I though I was going deaf!"

A heavily inebriated man is out with his wife.

Finally they call it a day and make their way home. Driving on a major road, the car swerves dangerously, frequently crossing lanes at a frightening speed and narrowly avoiding causing countless collisions. Eventually they are pulled over by the cops.

With the window lowered, the man attempts to justify his actions.

"Goodd evvening... offficer..." he slurs. "As you can see, I've had rather a lot to drink."

The cop is fuming. "Sir. That is not a valid excuse to allow your wife to drive."

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window.
"Hey, Buddy, didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car about a quarter-mile back?"
The man said to the cop: "Thank God, I thought I went deaf."


Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.

A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.

The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"

So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"

To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."

The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"

The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding...

.....but the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "Last year my wife ran away with a cop. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

A man gets pulled over for speeding

and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

A man and his wife are driving home one night...

when a cop pulls them over. As they're sitting there waiting, the man realizes he doesn't have his seat belt on and nonchalantly puts it on before the cop walks up.

"Do you know why I pulled you over" the cop asks.
"No officer" the man replies.
"You were driving without a seat belt."
"You must be mistaken officer, I had my seat belt on, see!"
They go back and forth about whether the seat belt was on for a few minutes, getting gradually more heated.

The cop then leans down and says to the woman "Was this man driving without his seat belt?" The woman replies "Officer, after forty years of marriage to this man, I have learned one thing. Never argue with him when he's drunk!"

A cop pulls over a man and his wife

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car."

The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

A man buys a new BMW...

He decides to take it on the highway to see how fast it can go. Once he hits 100, he sees the red and blue lights of the cop car light up. He thinks to himself, maybe I can outrun the cop. So he continues to floor it. He makes it to 140, and the cop is still right behind him. So reluctantly he pulls over. The cop comes up and says to the man. Son, I'm at the end of my shift and you just racked up a ton of charges and paperwork for me. I'll tell you what, if you can give me the best story as to why you were speeding, I will let you go. The man sat there and thought for a minute and said. Well, 3 years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and I was scared that y'all were bringing her back.

A man is driving with his wife and a small child when a cop pulls them over.

A man is driving with his wife and a small child. A cop pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. See, the cop says, you are drunk. The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, the man invites the cop to test his child. When the child registers drunk as well, the cop shrugs, says, Yes, perhaps it is broken, and sends them on their way.

As they drive off, the man turns to his wife and says, See, I told you it wouldn't hurt to give the kid a couple of shots of vodka.

A man fell for a speed trap...

A man fell for a speed trap along a road and wanting to avoid the ticket proceeded to speed, hoping to outrun the cop who was in hot pursuit. Finally the man pulled over. Realizing there would be a lot of paperwork involved and being the end of the day, the officer told the speeder, "I'll let you off with a warning if you can give me one good reason as to why you were speeding." The speeder responded, "You see officer, my wife left me last week for a cop and I thought you were trying to return her."


A car

A police officer stopped a car on the highway and went up to the driver. He saw the man, and said: "You've just won $1000 for wearing a seat belt! What are you going to do with your prize money?" The man thought, and said back: "Maybe go to the driving school and get my licence!" His wife told the cop: "Don't listen to him, he's a smartass when he's drunk".

All of this talking made a passenger in the back of the car wake up, and he blurted out: "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car. Why didn't you change the number plate?" A knock emerged from the trunk of the car, and the person in the trunk said: "Are we at the border yet?"

A man runs a red light and a cop begins to chase him...

The cop has his lights and siren on, but the man won't pull over. The cop yells through his megaphone to pull over, but still the man continues to drive.

Finally, the cop pulls along side the driver and motions for him to pull over. The driver pulls to the side and stops.

The police officer jumps out of his car and comes up to the driver's window. "Why didn't you stop when I turned on my siren?" he demanded.

"I'm very sorry officer, but my wife left me last week," said the man.

"What's that got to do with anything?" asked the cop.

"Well, she left me for a cop. I was worried you were trying to return her to me."

Cop Pulls Over a Speeder at the End of his Shift

Since the cop was almost done and just wanted to go back to the station he told the driver

**Cop**: if you can give me an excuse i have never heard before to explain why you were speeding, I will let you off with a warning instead of aticket....

The man thinks for a moment then replies:

**man**: sir my wife left me last year for another man

confused the cop says

**Cop**: what does that have to do with your speed?

**Man**: well sir, my wife ran off with a police officer, when I saw your lights, I was scared you were bringing her back.

With a smile the cop says

**Cop**: have a nice day sir.

Old couples

An old man and his wife were driving through town, with the wife chattering away. Arriving downtown, the man had to navigate several turns to get to his destination. Suddenly he noticed flashing lights in his mirror and pulled over. The officer approached the car and asked, "Mister, didn't you notice that your wife fell out of the car when you went around that turn back there?"

The man looked over at the passenger seat and saw that it was indeed empty and that the door was ajar. Turning back to the cop he said, "Thank goodness, I thought that I'd gone deaf!"

Walking home drunk

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

Cop Joke

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A male driver with his wife is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place

Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

So a man was driving home from work one day...

It's pretty late, so he decides to take the freeway to get there faster. He sees a 60mph speed limit sign and figures no one will ever know if he pushes it a little. 65...70...at 75 he decides he'll get home quick enough, not noticing the cop right behind him.

The cop, seeing him, puts on his lights. The man worriedly realizes "Oh no... I can't get another ticket, I just can't." He gets an idea and pulls over. The cop, shaking his head, walks up to the vehicle.

"Sir, did you know you were going 75 miles per hour in a 60 mile per hour zone?"

The man, thinking quickly, exclaims "My wife's in labor! I need to get her to the hospital stat!"

The cop looks in the vehicle and raises an eyebrow. "You're driving alone, sir."

The man looks around, panicked. "Oh my God! I forgot my wife!"

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding...

Cop: Why were you going so fast?
Man: Well my wife ran off with a cop...I thought you were trying to give her back

A man was pulled over for speeding...

A man was pulled over for speeding. The officer walks up to the car and says to the driver, "Look, I've had a long day and my shift is almost over. If you can give me a good reason why you're speeding, I'll let it slide"

The man replies, "well, officer, my wife left me a few weeks ago for a cop. I thought you were trying to bring her back."

A cop pulls over a man for speeding...

"Sir." He begins.
"You were recorded going 100 miles an hour, can you tell me why?"
"Well officer." The man says.
"Yesterday my wife ran away with a cop."
The cop is confused.
"What's that got to do with anything."

"I thought you were him trying to give her back."

A cop pulls over a speeding driver...

"Do you know why I pulled the over?" The cop asks the driver. The driver responds: "yeah I was going a little fast there." The cop nods and says "well I'm in a good mood today so if you give me a good reason for why you're speeding, I'll let you go ." The man thinks for a second and then says: "my wife ran off with a cop a few weeks ago, and when I saw the red lights flashing, I thought he was trying to give her back."

A man is driving down the road and gets pulled over

When the cop gets to the car, he tells the man, Excuse me, sir. But it seems that your wife fell out of the car a few miles back. The man lets out a sigh, Oh, thank God. I thought I went deaf.

My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago..

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

No difference

COP - Why didn't you save your wife from drowning?
MAN - I didn't know she was drowning!
COP - But wasn't she screaming?
MAN - She was ALWAYS SCREAMING!!!

There are three men that work together, an Italian, an Irish, and a Polish man.

One day, the Italian man is having lunch and says, "If my wife makes me a meatball sandwich again, I'm going to jump off the building." The Irish man and the Polish man say the same thing because they all have the same lunch everyday.

The next day, the three men go to eat their lunches and they are the same as usual. The Italian man has a meatball sandwich, the Irish man has baked potatoes, and the Polish man has kilbossi with a roll and mustard. They walk all the way up the stairs to the roof and jump off. The cops find them, call their wives, and bring them to the building where their husbands work. Nobody knows why they jumped except a co-worker, who tells the police that the men didn't like their lunches, so they jumped off. The Italian's wife says, "He should have told me, I would have made him something different." The Irish man's wife says the same thing. The Polish man's wife says, "I don't know why he jumped, he makes his own lunch."

An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop:"May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife:"She needs to see you license and registration dear."

The old man hands it to the lady cop and...
Lady cop:"Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man:"Ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife:"Nothing dear, she thinks she used to know you."

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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