A Few Drinks Jokes
116 a few drinks jokes and hilarious a few drinks puns to laugh out loud. Read bar jokes about a few drinks that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest A Few Drinks Short Jokes
Short a few drinks jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The a few drinks humour may include short drink alcohol jokes also.
- Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes. But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- I arrived early to the restaurant. The manager said do you mind waiting a bit? I said no. Good, he said. Take these drinks to table nine.
- A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
- Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem. Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity. - I am giving up drinking for a month Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up. Drinking for a month - When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
- Please becareful on the road Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive
- Betty White just turned 99 and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight from the bottle.
- How to determine the gender of your cat ? pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
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A Few Drinks One Liners
Which a few drinks one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with a few drinks? I can suggest the ones about round of drinks and booze.
- What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea? A supreme liter
- Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
- Why doesn't michael jackson drink coffee? Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"
- Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil
- An Apple fan walks into a bar.... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.
- Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - What's a comedians least favorite drink? Booze
- I was arrested for drinking battery acid. But I wasn't charged.
- I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
- What state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
- My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.
- Doctor: You don't look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol? Me: I drink it.
- H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4? Drinking.
- Two reasons I don't drink toilet water. No.1
No.2 - I drink twice a year.... When it's my birthday, and when it isn't
Hilarious A Few Drinks Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about a few drinks you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking a lot jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make a few drinks pranks.
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it's a nice ride. They both end up saying it's a Good Car. The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was tired and bored one night, so I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, What'll you have? I said, Surprise me.
He showed me a n**... picture of my wife.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met a girl in a club last night and after a few drinks, she asked if I would like to go back to her place for s**.... I didn't want to disappoint her, so...
...I said "No."
I was at the bar last night...
I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
I had a few drinks last night so I left my car and took a bus instead
Turns out I can't drive a bus very well when I'm drunk either
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)
A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
I got chatting with a girl in a bar....
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that!" she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later, we kissed and cuddled and headed back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out!"
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
I remember a time when I didn't get nostalgic after a few drinks
.. I miss those days.
A mum, dad and their son walk into a pub.
After a few drinks, the dad jumps up onto a table and starts reciting quotes from Shakespeare to his wife. The wife joins in, and responds with, "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Then they dramatically kiss, as the whole pub stops and watches.
The son lifts his face from his palms and says, "Please... mum, dad... you're making a scene".
I took the girl from my maths class on a date
We met for a few drinks at the bar on campus. After a while I took a look around the room.
"Wow, you're the most average girl in here."
"What?! You're mean!" She screamed.
"No, you are."
I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers...
... and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two sailors are on shore leave. They have a few drinks and decide to go to a variety show. At the intermission one of them needs to pee and asks directions from the usher. Go through the exit, turn left along the corridor, turn first right, then left, then right again, he says.
The sailor follows the directions with some difficulty, relieves himself, and eventually finds his way back to his seat. You missed the best act, says his friend. While you were gone a sailor came on-stage and p**... into the orchestra pit.
Jack got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," Jack assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While J was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
Jack said, "My wife found out."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sharing Secrets
Tammy and Margo met for drinks at Happy Hour. After a few drinks Tammy said, I have to tell you a secret, I am getting a b**... job.
Margo said, Wow, that is awesome. Let me know, and I will help you any way that I can.
After a few more drinks Margo said, I wasn't going to tell you, but I am going to have my a**... bleached.
Tammy thought a moment and said, Really?, I can't picture your husband as a blonde.
A guy walks into a bar, orders a few drinks and eventually starts talking about his married life to the bartender.
"I think I'm gonna divorce my wife …… she ain't spoke to me in over a month, the guy says. The bartender looks thoughtful, then replies, Better think that over son, women like that are hard to find.
My friends told me I needed to loosen up....
so we went to a club and had a few drinks, after the 5th one I was ready dance.
So I went to the dance floor and then "The Twist" began to play, and I did The Twist.
Then "The Hustle" began to play, and I did The Hustle
Then "Come on Eileen" played and I got banned from the club.
A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.
Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.
There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Everyone was bitterly disappointed that the bar did meet their expectations.
A lesson was learnt that day by the owners of the Everest Bar.
Don't set the bar so high.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many whiskeys as well as beers and some rather nice claret; but knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and have no idea where I got this one.
Bill and Steve walk out of a bar after having a few drinks together...
Around the corner, a masked man steps from an alley and points a gun at them. "Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!"
Bill says, "Hold on! Just gimmie 10 seconds!" He turns to Steve and says, "Here's that $100 I owe you, man."
A construction worker decided to go to a bar for a few drinks
He got hammered.
Can you work a pole?
So the other night my friends and I are having a few drinks and our one female friend is an ex-stripper, so we got into the topic of dancing and she looked at me and said yeah, can you work a pole xschlots? And for some reason the first comment that comes out is I mean yeah my family's mostly German. Working poles was our thing I have never heard a more deafening silence followed by laughter
Tipsy Passenger
John had a few drinks and was traveling on a train. The ticket checker stopped and asked John to show his ticket. John was searching his pockets and wallet.
The ticket checker said "it's alright, you seem to be a respectable gentleman. No need to show your ticket."
John insisted "I need the ticket for real, to find out where I am going"
After a few drinks and small talk, she invited him back to her apartment.
Just before they turned out the light, he asked, "how do you like your eggs in the morning?"
"Unfertilised," she replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A horse walks into a bar
And the bartender asked "why the long face?"
The horse said, well, it has been a really bad day. Around 10 years ago, I married a pony, the absolute love of my life. She just passed away at the hospital from t**... cancer. I'm on my way back home and I just came in for a few drinks to ease the pain.
The bartender felt horrible about the s**... joke he said earlier and apologized profusely.
The horse just shook his head and said don't worry about it. In all honesty, we should have caught the cancer much earlier. She was always a little horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..
..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.
The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about a little sixty nine?"
She flies into a rage, "You go out drinking with your friend, you knew how busy the restaurant was, you leave me to do all the hard work, and now you expect me to get up and make you Mongolian Lamb with Snow Peas!?"
Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone are in a bar
After a few drinks Steven says he's thinking about making an action movie about classical composers
Sylvester says "I wanna be Mozart!"
Arnold says "in that case...I'll be Bach"
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks, he begins waxing philosopical. "You know, sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever," he says to the bartender. "Yes," the bartender agrees. "We call those people cops."
Let's play name the title
Jokes are reposted so many times here, so name the titles of these punchlines
1. Ones a hippo and ones a little lighter
2. How far do you think I can kick this bucket?
3. Obviously not
4. But it wasn't stroganoff
5. Sam sung note 7
6. Measles
7. We went out and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wanted to become a web designer.
8. I wore the wrong sock this morning
9. Unless everyone gets them
10. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for life.
An orange and a banana go to a bar...
the banana has already bought a few drinks so he turns to the orange, points to the bar and says 'your round'. The orange starts getting very angry and yells back 'yeah well at least I'm not bent!'
My wife bought us an avengers puzzle to do together...
I said great. We can put some music on, have a few drinks and assemble the avengers.
The blind date
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a few drinks he approaches the bartender, "Hey, maybe you can help me out. I've just got hit with horrible heart burn, gas and stomach cramps, but I can't leave to get anything because I'm supposed to meet my blind date here in 15 minutes and I don't want her to think I stood her up. Have you got anything?" "No, I feel fine," the bartender replies.
A bull and a lion are sitting in bar
They're sitting for a while talking, eating and drinking. After a while the bull lion says: "You know what lion, your wife is a real lioness. She lets you go out, have fun, have a few drinks and still manages to have a laugh with you while my wife is a cow."
Hey girl are you legs broken?
Make up the other half of this pickup line in the comments.
Edit
Totally goofed it up in the title. Oh well, I had a few drinks last night and things happened.
*Are your legs broken?
What did the clown say after having a few drinks?
"I'm feeling funny"
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
Tracy said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does." Cathy giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft." Dawn quietly sipped her whiskey until Tracy asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?" Dawn frowned and said, "The postman." "Why the postman?" asked Cathy. "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
The hyperbolic alcoholic...
has a few drinks every once in a while.
A Goa'uld walks into a bar
After a few drinks, he says to the bartender, "You know, I like this place, and I think you are a good host."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last Night at the Club...
I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.
"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.
"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.
"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."
Allergies
One day a guy decided to go to his favorite bar and grab a few drinks.
Upon walking in the door he sees a man who looks like he's about to get completely hammered as he's surrounded by several pitchers, so he says, "That's of drinks"
The man replies, "I had an allergic reaction."
Curious the first guy says, "What're you allergic to?"
"Life."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five years in, marriage is still like a party at p**... mansion.
After a few drinks the cracks start to appear.
If a one-legged woman is named Ilene, what do you call her after a few drinks?
Tipsy, and an easy lay.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A liar, a m**..., and a cheater walk into a bar and have a few drinks. Who pays the bill?
Tom Brady
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I got pulled over by a cop last night...
I had had a few drinks and she knew it, so when she arrested me she told me anything I say will be held against me.
I guess b**...' wasn't the correct response.
So, I went out and had a few drinks..
I decided to take a bus home. So this morning I awoke and I don't know what to do with the bus parked in my driveway.
Cardi B sounds like
Alvin and the Chipmunks after a few drinks
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met this German g**... tinder
We had a few drinks and I took her home and it was at that moment I realised she couldn't count she just screaming
"NINE NINE NINE"
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan Walk Into a Bar
They have a few drinks and then die from methanol poisoning due to a lack of government regulation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Every night, I like to have a few drinks and beat my wife.
She's so bad at Monopoly!
My mom told me not to kill the spider but to take it out...
so I did, we had a few drinks, top lad he is..currently working as a web designer.
A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.
The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So one day a guy walks in a bar
and sits next to his friends, after a few drinks he needs to go to the bathroom and he goes for the u**... next to an african-american man, when he was finishing he sees the other man's thing and asks: "how do you guys get it that big ?" to which the man replys: " we hit it to concrete everyday " with a mocking manner, time passes and after 1 month they are in the same bar again and they came across each other in the urinals, The african-American man asks the other dude if he used the technique that he advised him. To which the other dude replys: "I was able to give it the color, but there is no change with the size."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar..
.. so he approaches her. They have a few drinks, flirt and laugh a little bit and after a while, the woman invites him to come to her apartment which the man accepts right away.
They go to her apartment and start having wild s**... for hours. It was the best s**... the man ever had. After they finish, the man lights up a cigarette after which he notices there is a picture of a man on the wall.
"Is that a picture of your husband?", he asked.
"No", she replied as she light up her own cigarette.
"Then your brother perhaps?", the man asked curiously.
"No",she said. "Its a picture of me from 3 years ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says: "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....
"Didn't feel a thing."
Three women drinking
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "So, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
Three mice walk into a bar...
After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.
The first mouse says, When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with the cheese!
The second mouse says, Oh yeah? Well, whenever I see rat poison, I take it all and grind it into powder. Then when morning comes, I use it to flavor my coffee! It helps me get a nice buzz going for the rest of the day!
The third mouse, checking his watch, sighs, stands up and says I've gotta go. I have a date with a cat.
A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
A warning to all my friends.
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely, no accidents,which was a real surprise because..
I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch...
He sits down, and after a few drinks someone asks him what happened to your leg?
Aye, a shark, he says. He bit it clean off!
Then someone asks him what happened to your hand?
Aye, a crocodile, he says. Bit it clean off!
Finally, someone asks him what happened to your eye?
Aye, a seagull, he replies.
A seagull? Someone says.
Yes, says the pirate. Pooped in my eye, he did. First day with my hook hand,
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a local college there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they were dancing he gives her a little squeeze and says, In America we call this a hug.
She says, Yaah, in Sweden, we call it a hug too.
A little later, he gives her a p**... on the cheek and says, In America we call this a kiss.
She says, Yaah, in Sweden we call it a kiss too.
Later that evening after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have s**... with her and says, In America we call this a grass sandwich.
She says, Yaaah, in Sweden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American man goes on a business trip to Japan.
And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having s**... and the lady keeps saying, "Oshi Moshi! Oshi Moshi!"
The man thought that was weird but he kept going. The next day, he meets some business men on a golf course and sees one of them shank the ball. The guy is absolutely livid and shouts, "Oshi Moshi!"
The American man looks at him and asks, "I hate to bother you, but what does 'oshi moshi' mean?"
The golfer replies, "wrong hole!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dentist
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
t**...?
A guy in his mid twenties is in a bar when he notices an atractive m**.... He decides to try his luck and goes over to talk with her.
She seems interested and after a few drinks she asks him if he has ever considered taking part in a mother / daughter t**.... Seeing as the m**... is so attractive he figures why not? Surely with such an attractive m**... the daughter must be attractive as well.
They get a cab to her house and as she unlocks the door she shouts; "Mom, put in your teeth, we have a guest!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Man Walks Into a Bar
So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender,"Hey got any specials tonight?" The bartender tells the man tonight there is a challenge, first you have to drink this glass of v**..., then you have to go out back and pull a tooth from an alligator, and finally you have to go upstairs and have s**... with a woman. The man at first says no way, but after a few drinks he decides to do the challenge. The bartender hands him the glass of v**... and he downs it. He then goes outside to the alligator. He's out there for a while and making a lot of noise. When he finally comes back in the bartender asks,"What took you so long?" The man replies, "Where is that woman who needs her tooth pulled?"
A homeless man is sitting in a bar
After a few drinks he begins speaking to a young lady. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree.
Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?"
The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology and a French Minor. I think it's my felon status that prevents me from getting a job"
Intrigued, the young lady asks, "What landed you in jail?"
Taking a sip from his drink, the homeless man answers "The French minor."
Two gay men were having a few drinks
One said "Bottoms up!" The other got topsy.
I took a taxi the other night
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home
Sure enough i pass a police road block but because it was a taxi they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.
I have never driven a taxi before, am not sure where i got it.
I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.
As we know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social functions over the years.
A couple of months ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many, and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea.
Knowing full well I was over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a taxi home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block, but because it was a taxi, they waved me on.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was amazing because I've never driven a taxi before, and I'm not sure where I got it.
Went out for a few drinks with some hedgehogs last night...
I got spiked
Vacation in Britain gone wrong
An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.
One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.
There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"
The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"
"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.
Old Joe and the miner
A grizzled old miner comes out of the wilderness and steps into the pub. Pulling out a gold nugget and placing it on the bar he asks the bartender "You got any whiskey in this establishment?"
The bartender complies and places a glass and a bottle in front of the miner.
After a few drinks the miner asks the bartender "You got any women in this establishment?"
The bartender replies "No, but we've got old Joe out back."
The miner shakes his head and says. "It's been a long while, but I'm not into that sort of thing."
After quite a few more drinks he calls the bartender over again and says "So lets say I was into that sort of thing after all, who would have to know about it?"
"Just you, me and those guys at the table over there" replies the bartender.
"Those guys? Why would those guys need to know?" asks the miner
"Well they gotta hold Old Joe down. He's not into that sort of thing either."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man walks into a lesbian bar.
So a blind older gentleman stumbles into a all lesbian bar. They see he is older and blind so they let him stay and have a few drinks. The blind man ask's the bartender "You want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies " Well, I am a blonde, the woman on your right is a defence instructor and she is blonde, and the two woman behind you are marines and they are blonde. Do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man responds "Well not if I have to explain it four times"
What's the Difference?
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Owch!" the Chinese man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says.
"But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the Jewish man sits back down.
Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the Chinese man says.
"But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
Ordinary Differential Humor
A bunch of continuous functions were hanging out at a bar, having a few drinks and having fun. The door swings opened and the differential operator walked in. All the functions started scrambling and ran out the door except one lonely function.
The differential operator ran up to him and yelled "I differentiate you!!" The function looked at him then started drinking again. The differential operator yelled again "I differentiate you!!" But the function didn't even flinch a muscle. He just sat there happily. Then even again and even louder the differential operator screamed "I differentiate you!!!!!" This time the function looked up at him and said "you can differentiate me all you like. I'm e^x "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
lesbian in a bar
A guy is sitting at a bar having a few drinks notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar order a drink.
The guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the guy, "Send her the drink!"
"Okay" the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the guy.
The bartender leans over the guy and very softly says "because she's a **lesbian**."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says,
"**So, what part of Lesbia are you from?**"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man meets two women at a bar, who happen to be siamese twins.
A man meets two women at a bar, who happen to be siamese twins. Their names are Suzie and Cheryl. He buys them a few drinks and decides he wants to take them home. They agree. A few hours and a couple drinks later, he starts to make love to Suzie. Halfway through, he realizes that Cheryl might get bored of watching and waiting for her turn so he asks her, "Is there anything you would like to do?"
Cheryl replies with, "Is that a t**... in the corner? I've love to play that!"
The night continues with the man making love to one of the twins while her sister plays the t**... right next to them.
A few weeks later, the siamese twins are walking down the street of the man's apartment. As they walk toward the apartment building, Suzie asks if they should go say hello.
"I don't know Suz, do you think he'll remember us?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A tall woman and a midget
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment.
I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget, said the woman, especially with the size difference and all.
Just t**... clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs apart and close your eyes, said the midget.
The woman did as she was told and soon she felt the biggest thing she'd ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes the woman had climaxed eight times.
If you think that was good, said the midget with a smirk, Just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!
So an old buddy of mine went to prison...
He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords.
When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this was over the top - he pulled out his 9-iron and started swinging.
He was promptly overcome with guilt, and called the police, the paramedics, etc. She was pronounced dead. The officer on the scene sees the club, and says to him, "there looks like there's a few dents on that! how many times did you hit her?!" and the guy says "well, seven... but could you write down five?"
A Chinese man is at a bar
After having a few drinks and loosening up he decides to try at chatting up a cute blonde lady.
He introduces himself and from the start this lady hangs off his every word. She's twirling her hair, shifting in her seat and taking in every word he says.
They spend another hour at the bar before inviting her back to his place. She willingly agrees to come.
The Chinese man can't believe his luck, this chick is a straight 10/10. He takes her home to his apartment, and they get hot 'n heavy while stripping each others clothes off.
All of a sudden the girls face drops and she looks upset.
The Chinese man asks "What's wrong?" to which she responds, "I thought you said you were hung."
"No, I said my name is Hong."
