A Few Drinks Jokes

Following is our collection of brunch humor and compare one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include A Few Drinks puns for adults, dirty women jokes or clean dew gags for kids.

There is an abundance of respective jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 80 funniest jokes on a few drinks. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any mountain witze you can hear about a few drinks.

The Best jokes about A Few Drinks

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.


The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.


Two men are drinking in a bar

They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

Four CEOs of beer companies are having a meeting and they decide to get a drink.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud light.
The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.
The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.
The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The three CEOS then ask him, why aren't you ordering a Guinness?

He replies: "If you guys aren't drinking beer than neither will I."

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.

Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.

Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.

I am giving up drinking for a month

Sorry that came out wrong

I am giving up. Drinking for a month


When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

Please becareful on the roads

Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister

It tastes the same but it's just not right.

A Guy walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

C and C++ walk into a bar...

After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"


Yesterday I sinned with an 18year old girl.

Man to his priest: Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.

The priest: Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.

Man: And that frees me from my sin?

Priest: No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.

Guy goes into a bar

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve beers and starts drinking them as fast as he can.


The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"


The guy says, "Only 75 cents."

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.

It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."

Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."

The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.

The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts...
"I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks.

With a smile on his lips billionaire responds
"85 years old"

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

9 out of 10 doctors reccommend for children to drink water instead of soda

that 1 doctor lives in flint michigan

Today I quit drinking for good

now I only drink for evil

Two fat ladies walk into a bar

They order drinks, in a thick accent.

"You two ladies from Ireland?" asks the bartender.

Offended, one of them replies "Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry," says the bartender, "Are you two whales from Ireland?"

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

I've finally stopped drinking for good.

Now I drink for evil

An etymologist, an entomologist, and an etiologist walk into a bar.

"What'll it be?" The bartender asks.

"I'll have a beer," the etymologist says. "A word which comes from Latin *bibere*, meaning "to drink".

"I'll have an Americano," the entomologist says. "It was originally dyed with crushed beetles!"

The bartender gets them their drinks. "And for you, sir?" he asks the third man.

"I'm just wondering how I got here," the etiologist replies.

Dad joke.....

Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters

Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire...

He said, "Hm, irony"

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol?

Invite two of them.

Gordon Ramsay walks into a bar...

... and asks for a glass of water with ice. Once his drink is served, he looks at the bartender and asks: "What did you use to make the ice cubes?"

Bartender: "Water."

Ramsay: "Fresh?"

Bartender: "No, frozen."

Ramsay: "Oh for fuck's sake."

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

A man walks into a bar and notices two fat women.

They had obviously been drinking a lot, and were speaking loudly with heavy accents. After an hour he becomes annoyed with the noise, walks over to them and asks, "I'm sorry to interrupt, but are you two ladies from Scotland?"

"Wales, you idiot!", shouts the fattest one.

"I'm sorry," he says. "Are you two whales from Scotland?"

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:

1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water

The next day, the teacher shows the results:

The 1st worm in beer, dead.

The 2nd in wine, dead.

The 3rd in whiskey, dead.

The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:

- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:

- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50%

Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

A person with an art degree walks into a bar.

They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses

She drinks straight from the bottle.

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future.

Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you?

Drown them.

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid.

But i can stop any time i want.

A Chinese guy walks into a bar...

A Chinese guy walks into a bar, and sits next to Jeff, and starts drinking his beer. Jeff asks him :


• My friend, do you know any martial arts, kung fu, karate or other stuff?


• Why do you ask, is it because i'm Chinese?


• No, it's because you are drinking my beer.

the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness go to lunch.

So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first

- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness

The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'

'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'

Gunpowder therapy

A boy goes to his grandfather and says "Grandpa, how did you ever get so old?"

"Well," replies the grandfather, "every morning, I pour a teaspoon of gunpowder into my coffee, and I guess that's the reason." So the boy begins drinking coffee and doing the same.

90 years pass, and the boy dies having reached the age of 95. He left behind 3 kids, 5 grandkids, 4 great grandkids, several million dollars, and a 60 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...

Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

A guy walks into the bar and looks the bartender in the eye and says "I need 10 shots"

The bartender lays them out and the man takes all 10 shots back to back.

In shock the bartender says, "I've never seen anyone drink like that before."

The man replies, "You'd drink like that too if you had what I had."

Sounding concerned, the bartender asks "Oh I'm sorry to hear that, what do you have?"

Man quickly says "2 bucks" and ran out of the bar.

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

A man walks into a bar and asks:

"Bartender, may I have a Less?"
To which the bartender says:
"I'm sorry sir, what did you want?"
"I would like to have a Less please."
The bartender then apologizes:
"I don't know this drink, sir, could you describe it to me?"
The man answers:
"Well... I don't really know, but my doctor told me to drink less."

What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, that's totally going to be us in 10 years.

He said, that's a mirror, dipshit.

My friend threw a can of coke at my head today...

Luckily it was a soft drink.

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are assholes.'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an asshole!'

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks: "Do you all want a drink?"

The first logician says: "I don't know."

The second logician says: "I don't know."

The third logician says: "Yes."

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"

The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".

The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".

The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes