A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Following is our collection of prognosis humor and doc one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include A Doctor And A Patient puns for adults, dirty examinations jokes or clean medication gags for kids.

There is an abundance of hernia jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes on a doctor and a patient. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any diagnosis witze you can hear about a doctor and a patient.

The Best jokes about A Doctor And A Patient

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."


Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

A small joke...

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."


Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."


[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll


Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.

Patient: What's the long answer?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma?

Asbestos he can.

What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

New Prostate Exam Joke

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam".

The patient answers "I don't have an erection"

The Doctor replies "I know, I do"

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."

To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything."

A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty.

Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?

Doctor: No, fatty.

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!

Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking

He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient

Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"

Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"

Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.  

What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

"You're going to have to be a little patient"

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the patient.

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"


What is your zodiac sign?

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...

Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."



Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."



Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

Me as a doctor

Me: So how are you?

Patient: ummmm.. fine

Me: Okay, next patient please.

Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.

Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

A man is waiting in the doctor's office...

When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"

"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.

"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."

A shrinking man rushes to the doctor's office.

The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"

Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."

What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?

One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.

Good news

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

An invisible man was in the waiting room.

"Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.

The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

Three Doctors

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

DOCTOR: You have three left to live.

PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?

DOCTOR: Questions.

Patient Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places

Doctor Well don't go to those places.

You know what the doctor told the midget?

You'll have to be a little patient.

What did the doctor say to the patient with a bladder infection?

Urine Trouble

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.

Sounds good to me! I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?

Well, no...

Then please wait in the waiting room

She was building up tension.

I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.

Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"

The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

Doctor, on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is this tumor?

Doctor: "I'd say it's be-nine."

Patient: "Hahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahaha"

Patient: "Haha"

Doctor: "You have a month to live."

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."

A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

A man goes to the Doctor

*Guy*: Doctor, My girlfriend is
pregnant but we always used double
protection. Then, how is it possible?

*Doctor*: Let me tell you a story to make you realize that it is possible.

"There was a Hunter who always carried a
Gun wherever he went.

One day, he took his Umbrella instead of his
Gun and went out.

A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him.
In order to scare the Lion, the hunter used the Umbrella like a
Gun and shot the Lion, the Lion collapsed & died!

*Guy*:This is totally Nonsense!!

"Someone else must
have shot the Lion"

*Doctor*: Good!! You understood the Story. Next patient please... .


Note: My friend just told me this joke so I'm not sure if it's been here before

A surgeon goes to check on his patient after surgery and he says to her...

"Everything went fine and you'll recover completely."

The young woman asks, "How long will it be before I can have a normal sex life again?"

The surgeon pauses for a while and wipes a small tear from the corner of his eye.

The woman, now alarmed, asks, "What's the matter doctor?! I will be OK, won't I!?"

The surgeon smiles and replies, "Yes, yes you'll be fine, it's just that no one has ever asked me that question after having their tonsils out."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes