The Funniest A Doctor And A Patient Jokes for a Bone-Shaking Laugh
A doctor and his patient.
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"
The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
A Doctor Joke
As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.
But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."
Sex after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
Good news
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."
"Why?" asked the patient.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?
"You're going to have to be a little patient"
What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?
One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
New Prostate Exam Joke
A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam".
The patient answers "I don't have an erection"
The Doctor replies "I know, I do"
A doctor calls a patient with his test results...
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
You can explore a doctor and a patient prognosis reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean a doctor and a patient examinations dad jokes. There are also a doctor and a patient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...
Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."
A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"
His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."
How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma?
Asbestos he can.
Good news and bad news.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.
A man is waiting in the doctor's office...
When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.
"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."
I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking
He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
A dwarf that loves to joke goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks.
I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
A man bursts into a doctor's office...
...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"
And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"
I should have told you yesterday.
What did the doctor say to the angry midget?
"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"
Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
Doctor: You're obese. Patient:
***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***
Why are doctors always calm?
They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.
Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?
The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"
Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]
Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?
Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
So doctor, do I have rabies?
Doc: Short answer. Yes.
Patient: What's the long answer?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...
Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
A patient walks into a doctor's office...
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."
What is your zodiac sign?
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...
Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"
Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's
Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.
Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
I don't know how to tell you this
Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
Me as a doctor
Me: So how are you?
Patient: ummmm.. fine
Me: Okay, next patient please.
Doctor: I have some medical news.
You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
I think I'm shrinking!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome
Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll
Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!
Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
Doctor: are you active sexually?
Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write virgin.
A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."
To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
"No fatty, don't eat anything."
Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty.
Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
Doctor: No, fatty.
I had sex for 3 hours last night...
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor
I just don't know what's wrong with some people
A patient walks into an optometrist's office.
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."
Doctor: describe your average night
Patient: they wear suits of armor
Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
Patient: they probably take it off
A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, Sex.
The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?
Sex, the patient replied.
Then the doctor drew a triangle.
It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.
You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.
*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!
A doctor has an appointment
A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
"1484"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
"Wednesday"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".
Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.
They're explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.
But it's just herbal! the patient protested. How can it be bad?
Dr Jenkins sighed. Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just ten minutes, you will die. Just because it's natural doesn't mean it's safe for you!
The man seemed to accept that, and after he and the doctors parted ways, Dr Smith asked, What is that plant that kills you if you sit under it?
A water lily.
A patient runs into a doctor's surgery yelling out: I'm shrinking! I'm shrinking! What should I do?
The doctor replies: you are just going to have to be a little patient.
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news for you
Patient: What is the bad news?
Doctor: You only have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What can possibly be worse news than that?
Doctor: I should have told you this yesterday...
Tonight I did a delivery to the local mental asylum.
Being curious, I asked the doctor how do they determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the doctor, "A normal person would pull the bathtub drain plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking.
Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
A Proctology exam.
A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.
I had sex for 3 hours last night. We role played as doctor and patient.....
I was in the waiting room for 2hrs 57minutes
A rich guy visits a doctor for a little blue pill
The doctor gives him a sample to try out. He tells him to take it now and by the time you get home it should be working.
20 minutes later the guy calls the doctor to tell him his wife isn't home but the maid is there.
Doctor says, well... try it out with the maid.
Patient replies, I never needed a pill to get a hard-on with the maid.
A neurologist was diagnosing a patient who lost his ability to do basic math
"What's 9 plus 9?
12 .
What's 8 and 8?
10 .
The doctor shook his head. Very interesting. What about 6 times 5?
The man thought for a second, and answered 1E .
Aha, I've figured it out! The doctor said. Somebody's clearly put a hex on you.
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
A bedridden hospital patient takes a turn for the worse and a doctor comes to check on them.
The doctor does a quick examination, then releases the brakes on the bed's wheels and rolls them out of the room. "Alright, it's time to move you down to the East Wing."
"What's the East Wing?" asks the patient.
"The morgue." replies the doctor.
"W-wait, the morgue?! But I'm not dead yet!"
"It's a long hallway."
A Chinese doctor has a Jewish patient.
"Listen," says the patient, "I didn't think we were going to get along so good together."
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean! Pearl Harbor, that's what I mean!"
"What are you talking about, Pearl Harbor? I'm Chinese!"
"Yeah, well...Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same thing."
"What do you mean, all the same thing? The Jews sunk the Titanic!"
"The Jews sunk the Titanic?"
"Sure. Greenberg, Goldberg, Iceburg, all the same to me!"
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
A psychiatrist is testing his patients
He asks the first one "what is 4+2?" The patient replies "potato" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the second one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "5000" The doctor is disappointed and moves on to the next one. He asks the third one "what is 4+2?" the patient replies "6" The doctor is impressed. "That's correct! you're making progress. how did you figure it out?" The patient replies, "well doctor i just added potato + 5000 and got 6"
Scene (and heard) in the doctor's office.
Patient: "Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me! I keep dreaming that I'm a deck of cards!"
Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."
A person goes to doctor. He has pain in every part of his body
Doctor: when you touch your leg, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your arm, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: when you touch your head, does it hurt?
Patient: yes
Doctor: i think your finger is broken!
What do good doctors and bad doctors have in common?
Their patients don't come back.
A doctor is calling in patients from the waiting room
-due to new privacy regulations we aren't allowed to call in patients by their name, so could the lady with hemorrhoids please follow me?
