Following is our collection of A Doctor And A Patient jokes which are very funny. There are some a doctor and a patient doc jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these a doctor and a patient medication puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .
Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.
The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.
That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?
The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.
The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.
Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.
He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"
The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.
But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
"Why?" asked the patient.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
"You're going to have to be a little patient"
One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.
A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam".
The patient answers "I don't have an erection"
The Doctor replies "I know, I do"
You can explore a doctor and a patient prognosis reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean a doctor and a patient examinations dad jokes. There are also a doctor and a patient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.
Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?
Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.
Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."
Patient: "I want a second opinion!"
Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."
His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."
Asbestos he can.
You'll have to be a little patient.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.
When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.
"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."
He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"
And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."
I should have told you yesterday.
"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''
Doctor: "You have AIDS."
Patient: "What's the good news?"
Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."
Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."
***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***
Doctor Well don't go to those places.
They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.
The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.
Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."
Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."
[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]
Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.
Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!
Doc: Short answer. Yes.
Patient: What's the long answer?
Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.
Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"
Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"
Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.
But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."
He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."
Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."
Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"
...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.
Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."
The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."
PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?
DOCTOR: Questions.
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...
Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."
The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"
Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."
Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.
Urine Trouble
A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)
P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"
Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English
Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
Me: So how are you?
Patient: ummmm.. fine
Me: Okay, next patient please.
You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"
Doctor: How did this happen?
Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll
The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."
"Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.
The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."
Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.
Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.
Doctor: I'll write virgin.
To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"
"No fatty, don't eat anything."
Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"
Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?
Doctor: No, fatty.
I asked her what she had in mind.
Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.
Sounds good to me! I said.
So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?
Well, no...
Then please wait in the waiting room
She was building up tension.
I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.
Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.
We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.
the doctor told his patient.
"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.
"No," replied the doctor.
"They're the only things we can slip under the door."
Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.
Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.
Doctor: I know... that's my name.
2 days later he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!
Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
I just don't know what's wrong with some people
The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.
"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."
The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.
"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."
Patient: they wear suits of armor
Doctor: no, i mean at bed time
Patient: they probably take it off
And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?
The patient answered, Sex.
The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?
Sex, the patient replied.
Then the doctor drew a triangle.
It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.
You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.
*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!
They say "Thank you for your patients"
Doctor: Oh, no your disease is completely curable. You're going to live.
Patient: yeah, but how long do I have to?
Patient: cool but I don't remember asking
All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like that...you'll have to learn to be a little patient
A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.
He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"
"1484"
Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"
"Wednesday"
Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"
The third one immediately answers "12".
The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"
"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the a doctor and a patient hernia jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working a doctor and a patient diagnosis piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.