The Best 74 A Doctor And A Patient Jokes

Following is our collection of A Doctor And A Patient jokes which are very funny. There are some a doctor and a patient doc jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these a doctor and a patient medication puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny A Doctor And A Patient Jokes and Puns

A doctor and his patient.

A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news .

Oh dear, what's the bad news? asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

That's terrible , said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.  

A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!"

The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."

Observation

There was a man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch the guy do this day after day for months.

Finally the doctor decided to see what this man was listening to, so one day he approached the wall and put his own ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

He turned the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything!"

The mental patient replied, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

A Doctor Joke

As she laid there next to me starting to sleep I said to myself, "Nick, I'm sure you aren't the only doctor to sleep with their patient.

But then another voice told me, "Nick, you are a veterinarian."

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


Good news

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

So a doctor has sex with one of his patients...

And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"

During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the patient.

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

What did the Doctor say to the midget in the waiting room?

"You're going to have to be a little patient"

What's the difference between an ER doctor and an editor?

One has patients with comas, the other has patience with commas.

New Prostate Exam Joke

A man goes to the doctor for his first prostate exam. While the Doctor is performing the exam, he says to the patient, " Don't be embarassed, its common for men to get an erection during this part of the exam".

The patient answers "I don't have an erection"

The Doctor replies "I know, I do"

You can explore a doctor and a patient prognosis reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean a doctor and a patient examinations dad jokes. There are also a doctor and a patient puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A doctor calls a patient with his test results...

Doctor: I have bad news and worse news.

Patient: What's the bad news, Doc?

Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.

Patient: That's terrible? What's worse news?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

A shrinking man visits his doctor yelling, "Doctor! Doctor! I'm getting smaller and smaller and smaller!!!"

His Doctor replies, "Now now, I can't fix things right away, you'll just have to be a little patient."

How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma?

Asbestos he can.

You know what the doctor told the midget?

You'll have to be a little patient.

Good news and bad news.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Patient: Ok, well... Give me the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24-Hours to live.
Patient: How is that good news?!? What's the bad news then??
Doctor: I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

A man is waiting in the doctor's office...

When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"

"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.

"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."

I told the doctor I had to see him right away because I thought I was shrinking

He told me he was busy and that I'd have to be a little patient


A small joke...

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?"

I should have told you yesterday.

What did the doctor say to the angry midget?

"I'm going to ask you to be a little patient."

Three Doctors

Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.'' Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.'' Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They're gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.''

Patient: "Gimme the bad news first!"

Doctor: "You have AIDS."

Patient: "What's the good news?"

Doctor: "You have alzheimer's."

Patient: "Well that's not so bad, at least I don't have AIDS."

Doctor: You're obese. Patient:

***Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You're quite ugly, too.***

Patient Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places

Doctor Well don't go to those places.

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients?

The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

Doctor: "I have some bad news, and some very bad news"

Patient:"Well, might as well give me the bad news first."

Doctor:"The lab called and told me you only have 24 hours to live."

Patient:"24 hours!? That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"

Doctor:"Your phone has been off, and I've been trying to reach you since yesterday..."

[Edited to clarify punchline...I guess. xP]

Doctor will I be able to play piano after the procedure?

Doctor: Yes, I don't see why not.

Patient: That's wonderful I could never play piano before!

So doctor, do I have rabies?

Doc: Short answer. Yes.

Patient: What's the long answer?

Doc: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssss.

A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live...

Patient - "No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"

Doctor - "Money-wise, you are now set for life"

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news

Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay

But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

A man was in a psych ward for thinking he was a piece of corn.

He was finally cured and set free, but immediatelly came back to the mental hospital trembling in fear. When asked why, he said, "there's a chicken outside."

Doctor: "but sir, you do know you're human right? Not a piece of corn."

Patient: "of course I know that! But does the chicken know?!"

A patient walks into a doctor's office...

...seeking a prescription, and he can't help but notice that the doctor's writing on his clipboard with a rectal thermometer.

Not wanting to be rude, the man speaks up politely, "Uh, doc', not tryna' be impolite, but you're writing with a rectal thermometer."

The doctor pulls up his glasses, looks at the thermometer and replies, "Ah, some asshole's got my pen."

DOCTOR: You have three left to live.

PATIENT: Three what? Three months? Years?

DOCTOR: Questions.

What is your zodiac sign?

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...

Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"

Doctor: "That's the last thing you're going to do."

A shrinking man rushes to the doctor's office.

The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"

Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

Receptionist: Doctor, your next patient claims to be invisible.

Doctor: Well tell him I can't see him right now.

What did the doctor say to the patient with a bladder infection?

Urine Trouble

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor

A patient with insomnia goes to a doctor. (Russian Joke)

P: "Doc, I just can't fall asleep. Thousands of thoughts enter my mind and I stay awake through the night."
Doc: "here take (MiraLax - or alternative strong laxative) and it should help you"
P:" will this help me fall asleep?
Doc: "No, but you will only have one thing on your mind"

Sorry, translated this from Russian, may not be as funny in English

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

Me as a doctor

Me: So how are you?

Patient: ummmm.. fine

Me: Okay, next patient please.

Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I think I'm shrinking!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

Patients in an insane asylum are eating plaster off the walls,

the head doctor calls in the best doctor in the country to try and solve this problem. So the best doctor comes in and inspects the walls. He tells the head doctor to repaint the walls from red to green. The next day after the walls are repainted the head doctor comes in and sees the patients sitting and staring at the walls. "Why aren't you eating the walls now?" the head doctor asks them. "They arn't ripe yet"

A doctor was treating a victim of a beating.

Doctor: How did this happen?

Patient: I was banging my neighbor over her kitchen table when we hear the front door open.
She said "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Doctor: I'm afraid you're suffering from Auto Correct Syndrome

Patient: I didn't even know I was I'll

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

An invisible man was in the waiting room.

"Your patient is here, doctor," the nurse said.

The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him right now."

Me: You've gotta let me see a doctor, I'm shrinking!

Nurse: Well, the doctor's busy, so you'll just have to be a little patient.

Doctor: are you active sexually?

Patient: define active, cause some active volcanoes didn't explode in hundreds of years.

Doctor: I'll write virgin.

A doctor says to his patient, "Don't eat anything fatty..."

To which the patient replies, "Well what about fruit, can I eat that?"

"No fatty, don't eat anything."

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Doctor: Before you go to sleep, don't eat anything fatty.

Obese patient: Can I eat salad instead ?

Doctor: No, fatty.

My wife suggested to spice things up with roleplaying.

I asked her what she had in mind.

Doctor and patient roleplaying she said. I'll be the doctor.

Sounds good to me! I said.

So she went to the bedroom and I waited in the hall.
I knocked on the door and hear her say: Do you have an appointment?

Well, no...

Then please wait in the waiting room

She was building up tension.

I hope my neighbor is okay tho, he had the 1 pm appointment and has been in there for hours now.

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

I had sex for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

There was a doctor and a patient in a hospital.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery. Don't panic.

Patient: But Doctor, my name is not David.

Doctor: I know... that's my name.

A man takes his wife to get tested for Coronavirus.

2 days later he gets a call from the lab.

Doctor: I'm sorry to inform you sir that your wife's test results have been mixed up with another patient's. We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.

Man: So what am I supposed to do now?!

Doctor: I'd recommend taking her for a long walk and leaving her, if she finds her way back home, don't open the door.

My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor

I just don't know what's wrong with some people

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

Doctor: describe your average night

Patient: they wear suits of armor

Doctor: no, i mean at bed time

Patient: they probably take it off

A psychiatrist was testing a patient's personality. He drew a circle on a paper.

And asked the patient, What does this remind you of?

The patient answered, Sex.

The shrink drew a square and asked again, What does this remind you of?

Sex, the patient replied.

Then the doctor drew a triangle.

It reminds me of sex, the patient stated.

You seem to be obsessed with sex, the shrink told the patient.

*I'm* obsessed with sex? *You're* the one who's drawing the dirty pictures!

A doctor is selling his victims on the dark web. He shows up to the location and no one is there. The doctor waits for hours. When the buyer shows up...

They say "Thank you for your patients"

Patient: Give it to me straight doctor, how long do I have to live?

Doctor: Oh, no your disease is completely curable. You're going to live.

Patient: yeah, but how long do I have to?

Doctor: You have dementia

Patient: cool but I don't remember asking

A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.

All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like that...you'll have to learn to be a little patient

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the third one: "3 times 4?"

The third one immediately answers "12".

The doctor is surprised that the last one got it right: "Wow, how did you get to that answer?"

"It was easy", says the last one. "I divided 1484 by wednesday".

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the a doctor and a patient hernia jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working a doctor and a patient diagnosis piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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