911 Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11.

We would have IX/XI instead

If it weren't for Arabs, we would never have 9/11

Instead it would be IX / XI

Why was 10 traumatized?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11.

This is 911, what's your emergency? the operator asked.

I masturbate too much, the man replied.

Sir, that's not really a problem, the operator said.

The man shouted, Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.

Why was 10 scared?

He was in the middle of 9-11

Without Arabians, 9/11 wouldn't exist.

It would be IX/XI instead.

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

How did 10 die?

He was caught in the middle of 9/11

Two conspiracy theorists die and go to heaven.

Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."

The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Fuck. This goes even higher up than we thought."

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

9/11 was a national tragedy.

So is 11/9.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?"

"Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...

It would have been IX/XI.

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11...

He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Accidentally called 911

Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

My girlfriend dumped me on 9/11.

That's one way of making sure I'll never forget.

^^^This ^^^isn't ^^^a ^^^joke, ^^^I'm ^^^actually ^^^broken ^^^inside.

Since this year they launched the iPhone 8/X

We'll probably get to see 9/11 next year

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11?

You can't milk a cow for 14 years...

I'm going to hell.

9/11 Threesome.

When twins go down on you.

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremists. Al-Qaeda and Osama bin Laden did it."

His friend leans down and whispers, "Damn, dude. This thing goes way higher up than we ever realized."

Who were the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims. Went through 87 stories in 10 seconds flat.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims because they went through 104 stories in just a few seconds

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

Why was 10 afraid?

Because it was in the middle of 9/11

Who are the fastest readers ?

9/11 victims, they went through 64 stories in just 8 seconds

Which type of people are the world's fastest readers [DARK HUMOUR]

9/11 victims. They went through more than 50 stories in 10 seconds.

A boy calls 9-11.

"9-11 what is your emergency?"

The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."

"Well who's your father?"

"Well that's what they're fighting about."

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

How do we know 9/11 wasn't a government plot?

Because it worked.

Offensive NFL joke. Trigger Warning: Terrorism/World Trade Centre/Religious, anybody who is offended do not open this link

I'm really worried about Tim Tebow taking over the QB position. The last time anybody that religious had control of the Jets 9/11 happened

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Because she can't find the number 11

A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"

"Yes, please help me!"

"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"

"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

If 9/11 had happened in July...

7/11's brand name would have crumbled faster than the Twin Towers.

No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever

2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".

The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."

The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"

A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

Is this her first child?

A man frantically calls 911 stating "my wife is pregnant, her water broke and her contractions are about one minute apart!"
The 911 operator asks "is this her first child?"
"No, you fucking idiot", the man angrily responds "this is her fucking husband!"

What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common?

Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.

I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11

because it's an inside job.

Why was 6 afraid of 10?

Because 10 was in the middle of 9,11...

I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny.

Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.

What are the funniest 911 jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about 911? Well, here are the best 911 puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny 911 pick up lines to share with friends.

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