911 Emergency Jokes
62 911 emergency jokes and hilarious 911 emergency puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 911 emergency that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest 911 Emergency Short Jokes
Short 911 emergency jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 911 emergency humour may include short 911 calls jokes also.
- A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police: - Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now. - A boy calls 9-11. "9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about." - A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning. - 911, what is your emergency? Help, two girls are fighting over me.
Operator: Sir, why is that a problem!
The ugly one is winning! - "911 " "Hello my wife was cookin dinner and she fell" says the husband
"What's the emergency?"
The huband replies " how do I know when the rice is ready?" - I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
- Nine One One! Guy outside "911! 911!"
Guy inside "What's going on out there, why are you yelling 911?"
Guy outside: "emerge and see!" - What did the emergency dispatcher say when they were asked if they worked indoors or outdoors? "911 is an inside job"
- "911, what's your emergency?" Hi i need to report a kidnapping.
My son is taking a nap in my room right now. - Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him? It was an emergent sea.
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911 Emergency One Liners
Which 911 emergency one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 911 emergency? I can suggest the ones about dialed 911 and 911 operator.
- What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911? What's your emergency?
- Operator: "911 what's your emergency?" Person: "Mariah Carey just bombed Times Square."
- I worked as an Emergency Dispatcher, and Im happy to announce 911 was an inside job!
- hello, this is 911, what's your emergency? it's national donuts day.
- 911 calls Chuck Norris for emergency.
Comical 911 Emergency Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about 911 emergency you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean call 911 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 911 emergency pranks.
Kangaroo 911: "What's your emergency?"
Kangaroo: "I can't find my children"
Kangaroo 911: "Did you check your pockets?"
Kangaroo: "Oh nevermind."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are hiking...
Two men are hiking in a forest when suddenly, the other man falls down. "Oh my God!", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" "Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!" "Calm down, sir. Everything will be okay. Now, can you make sure he is dead?"
There is a brief silence on the line, then a gunshot is heard in the background. "Okay, now what?"
A boy calls 911.
911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!
911 asks, "What's the emergency?"
The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911 responds, "Is that a problem?"
The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
Two men go hunting in the forest
They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what's wrong, but he won't move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911.
911 Operator: "911 operator, what is your emergency?"
Friend: "My buddy just collapsed. He wont move, I think he's dead! What do I do?"
911 Operator: "Well first you need to make sure he is actually dead. You need to-"
The operator hears the man leave the phone for a moment, followed by a moment of silence and the a loud bang.
Friend: "Okay. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911 Emergency Call
"911, what's your emergency?"
"I'm out hunting and my buddy just fell in a hole, I don't think he's breathing, I think he's dead."
"Okay, keep calm. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."
*shot fired*
"Okay, he's dead, what next?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is set to go hunting, he's supposed to meet his buddy who is already there...
When he gets there he sees that his friends truck door is open and he's laying on the ground right next to the door. As you slowly approaches he notices he's not breathing so in panic stricken state he calls 911...
Operater: "911 hotline, please state your emergency."
Hunter: "My friend, he's laying on the ground! He's dead!"
Operater: "Calm down sir, first we have to make sure your friend is dead"
(Few moments of silence then 2 loud distinct gun shots)
Hunter: "Okay, now what!?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what is your emergency?"
The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. "Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"
"All right, sir—calm down, and everything's going to be all right. The first thing is, I need you to make sure he's actually dead. Can you do that for me, sir?"
"Yeah, I think so. Just a second…"
Silence on the other end of the line.
The sound of a gunshot.
"OK, what now?"
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911, what's your emergency?
"I'm m**... too much."
Sir that's not really a problem.
"One sec. HEAR THAT MOM? NOW GET OFF MY CASE."
On an application form I was filling out was the question, "Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?"
I wrote, "The 911 operator."
Bjorn and Sven are in the woods hunting
Suddenly Sven cries out, clutches his chest, and falls to the ground.
In a panic, Bjorn pulls out his cell phone and calls 911.
'911, what is your emergency?'
'Yeah, this is Bjorn and you gotta help me! Me and Sven are out hunting and Sven just up and keeled over dead! What do I do?'
'Remain calm,' says the 911 operator. 'The first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead.'
'Okay,' says Bjorn. 'Hang on a sec.' There are several seconds of silence, then a shot rings out. Bjorn comes back on the phone, 'Okay, now what?'
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what's your emergency?"
*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*
Two hunters in the forest
Our story is set out in a wooded hunting reserve. Two men, carrying a backpack and gun each, trekked out into the forest in search of game.
After an hour or two in the forest, one of the hunters keels over and collapses on the ground. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed over. The other hunter calls 911. The operator picks up.
"Nine-One-One, what is your emergency?"
"Help! I think my friend might be dead!" The hunter cries.
The operator calmly responds "Okay, I know how to help."
"What do I do?" the hunter replies.
"First of all, you have to make sure he's really dead." The operator says.
There's a silence. Then a gunshot.
"Okay, now what?"
Can't wait until I can text 911 for emergencies, I finally won't get left on read anymore...
Two hunters......
Two hunters walking thru the woods,one slips,and rolls down a steep ravine. The other calls down to him ,but he gets no response. He picks up his phone,calls 911.
Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Panicked Hunter: my buddy and I were walking he tripped fell down a ravine, and he is dead.
Operator: sir please calm down get ahold of yourself, I need you to climb down the ravine and make sure he is dead.
Hunter: ok hold on
As he climbs down the operator can hear leaves rustling, twigs snapping than quiet, all of the sudden Bam shotgun blest.
Operator: sir you all right?
Hunter: ok he is dead what do you need me to do now?
Two potatoes were walking together down the street
They stepped off the curb and a speeding car came around the corner and ran one of them over. The uninjured potato called 911 and helped his injured friend as best he was able. The injured potato was taken to emergency at the hospital and rushed into surgery. After a long and agonizing wait, the doctor finally appeared.
"I have good news, and I have bad news," he told the uninjured potato, "The good news is that your friend is going to pull through." "The bad news... is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
A man was camping when suddenly a wild boar appeared
A man was camping when suddenly a wild boar appeared. It charged at the man and trampled him leaving him inches from death then trashed his campsite.
When the man recovered a bit, he used all the energy he could muster and called 911.
Dispatcher: "911 Emergency, what is your situation?"
Him: "A pig just destroyed everything and I think I'm about to die"
Dispatcher: "Sorry, there's nothing we can do about your wife. Try calling marriage counseling instead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush
Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!
Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergency?"
"My friend, He got bit by a rattlesnake, what do I do?"
"Stay calm sir .... It's necessary for you to s**... on the wound to draw the poison out"
"What if I can't do that?:" asks Bubba
"Then your friend will die."
"BUBBA", moans Jeff, "what are they telling you on the phone?"
"Jeff", says Bubba, "you're going to die"
Alicia Keys called 911
Operator: Yes ma'am what's your emergency?
Alicia: *My house is on fiyyyyaaaaaaaaaa*
There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911
It was an emerging sea.
A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.
a couple of minutes later...
911 what is your emergency?
Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!
Are the other cubs safe??
Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...
Sycamore street joke
This is a call that came into the 911 emergency line:
911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.
(static in the phone line interrupts call)
911 operator: A what?
Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.
911 operator: Okay, where are you?
Man: I'm down here on Sycamore Street.
(static in the phone line becomes worse)
911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.
Man: I'm at Sycamore Street!
(static still continues)
911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you're at.
Man: All right. S-y-c-k...no, no that ain't right.
S-i-c-k...no...S-e...S-y. I'll tell you what, I'll take the dude over to
Lee Street; you can pick him up there.
Q: Why don’t Oregon fans use 911 in an emergency?
A: Because they can’t find "eleven" on the phone dial.
Transcript of leaked 911 call...
Operator : "This is 911, what is the emergency?"
Caller : "Please come quick, my little boy got a hold of a box condoms - he thought it was candy and swallowed them! Oh my god, please hurry!"
Operator : "Ok ma'am remain calm, I will contact an ambulance. Is your son choking or having any trouble breathing?"
Caller : "What, no he's fine. Wait, can you just hold a sec? " '...mumbling in background...' "Oh, nevermind, you don't have to send anybody. My husband just found another one in his wallet."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young man at his wit's end called the s**... Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.
"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the s**... Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your s**... please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."
My boss walks over to my desk as the phone is ringing…
Boss: Why aren't you picking that up??
Me: I pick it up on the third ring, makes me seem cooler.
Boss: PICK IT UP!!
Me: [rolls eyes] fine. 911, what's your emergency?
The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.
She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.
"911 emergency, how can we help you."
"Wife in bed. She so hot."
"Okay... good for you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teenager got s**... in well.
He calls 911.
Boy: 911?
Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Boy: I'm stuck in a well.
Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?
Boy: im14andthisisdeep.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911: what's your emergency?
**pig:** a wolf just blew my house down!
**911:** HOLY s**...—
**pig:** I know right?
**911 [covering phone]:** Frank, theres a talking pig on the other line
Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"
Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"
Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*Phone rings at work*
Boss: Why don't you answer it?
Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.
Boss: ANSWER IT g**...!
Me: 911, what's the emergency?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what's your emergency?"
Drunk r**..., "Send help, my buddy just fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He's bleed'n like a stuck hog!"
911, "Okay sir, what's your location?"
Drunk r**..., "We're at the corner of Sycamore and Vine."
911, "Okay sir, I'm going to need you to spell that for me. "
Drunk r**..., "Si.....Sy...ah! screw it! I'll drag him on down to Maple you can pick him up there!"
Two hunters.
Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says 911, whats your emergency? The hunter replies My friend just passed out and I don't know what to do! I think he might be dead! The emergency responder replies Before you do anything, make sure he is dead. The phone goes silent and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says Ok, now what?
An unknown number calls a man at work.
He immediately hangs up without saying anything.
His boss watches him do this and asks, "Why did you hang up?"
The man answers, "I didn't know the number".
His boss, seething with rage, shouts "CALL THEM BACK RIGHT NOW".
The man complied and calls them back, saying, "911, what's your emergency?"
A woman drives a car
A blonde woman drives a car and hits a cop. She stops and checks if he's still alive, no vital signs. Panicked, she calls the emergency service.
W: *Hello, is this 911?*
D: *Yes, this is 911, what's your emergency?*
W: *You're now 910.*
Calling 9-1-1
A guy walks into a bar after a long day of work to relax and have a beer. Unfortunately there is a big group of young men crowded into the bar laughing loudly and carrying on. Finally, in exasperation, the guy calls 9-1-1. "Hello, 911, what is your emergency?" the dispatcher asks. "These men won't stop laughing," the guy complains."Okay that sounds annoying but it's not a crime," the dispatcher says. "Well, what the heck is manslaughter then?" the guy complains.
911, whats your emergency?
Operator:
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that out for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over to pine street and call right back.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This one only works if you're familiar with New Orleans
A man was walking down the street when he came upon a guy lying face down in the gutter. Not knowing if the guy was passed out or dead, he dials 911…
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Man: I've come upon a body lying in the gutter. He could be dead or passed out, I'm not sure
Operator: we'll send a patrol car, what's your location?
Man (looking up at the street sign): I'm on T Soup… No, I'm on T choopsol… No no, I'm on Toolsoulp…. No. d**.... Give me a few minutes. I'm gonna drag the body to Magazine and call you back!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"9-1-1, What is your emergency?"
"Yeah, there's a guy dressed up as a peanut in the parking lot, he's on the ground and yellin' that he's assaulted. ... I'm at the Shell station on Brittle St. ... Naw, I can't tell from here if he's just plain' or not. This guy's a fuckin' ***nut***."