911 Calls Jokes
133 911 calls jokes and hilarious 911 calls puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 911 calls that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 911 Calls Short Jokes
Short 911 calls jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 911 calls humour may include short 911 emergency jokes also.
- A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police: - Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now. - A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone." - Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - A boy calls 9-11. "9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about." - I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11 because it's an inside job.
- A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
- A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning. - Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
- I thought I saw someone unconcious in the back of a car so i called 911 Turns out it was a kid napping 😴
- How are you going to celebrate 9-11? I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes.
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911 Calls One Liners
Which 911 calls one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 911 calls? I can suggest the ones about 911 operator and dialed 911.
- Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
- Go ahead, call 911! We'll see who comes first.
- What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911? What's your emergency?
- What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny? Too plain jokes
- The officer Someone shot an officer and called 911. He told them they're 910 now.
- My girlfriend calls me 9/11 Because I have forever tarnished the legacy of her Bush.
- Why a blonde woman can't call the 911? Because she dont find the 11
- What do you call dancing Israelis on 9/11? Mossad
- 911 calls Chuck Norris for emergency.
- If 9/11 happened in New Jersey what would they've called it? Raiders of the New Ark
- There Should Be A Day For Bringing Awareness To Calling The Cops 9/11
- What do you call a 911 call from a stripper? ...an Amber Alert
- Who do muslims call when they need help? 911
- When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.
- A polar bear walks into a bar. The bartender screams and runs away while calling 911.
911 Calls Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 911 calls you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean call 911 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 911 calls pranks.
Can't believe the near death experience I had the other day
A sudden heart attack on my couch! I was going to call 911, and then I realized
I can't die in a living room
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Hunters
A classic...
Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a b**... rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.
So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"
- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to s**... on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is s**... on the bite! You can save him!
- O.K thank you!"
The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"
And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Remember the first time you called 911 on your parents for a b**... reason?
It was right before you had to call them for a legitimate reason.
Two Men Go Hunting
A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
A boy calls 911.
911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!
911 asks, "What's the emergency?"
The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911 responds, "Is that a problem?"
The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...
I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
Two men go hunting in the forest
They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what's wrong, but he won't move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911.
911 Operator: "911 operator, what is your emergency?"
Friend: "My buddy just collapsed. He wont move, I think he's dead! What do I do?"
911 Operator: "Well first you need to make sure he is actually dead. You need to-"
The operator hears the man leave the phone for a moment, followed by a moment of silence and the a loud bang.
Friend: "Okay. Now what?"
A blonde's house catches on fire..
She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911 Emergency Call
"911, what's your emergency?"
"I'm out hunting and my buddy just fell in a hole, I don't think he's breathing, I think he's dead."
"Okay, keep calm. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."
*shot fired*
"Okay, he's dead, what next?"
So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush
Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush - "What buildings? What people?"
Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"
Bush - "It's eight in the morning."
Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."
How do you call uber for a black people?
911
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two men are in the woods hunting
one falls into a pit. His friend calls 911 on his cell phone. He tells the operator, "My friend fell into a pit. I think he might be dead!" The operator tells him, "Ok sir. Please remain calm. First, make sure he's dead." There's a pause, followed by a gun shot. Then the man comes back on the line and says, "Okay. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy calls 911
"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
"No it's her husband you idiot!"
Two men are hunting when one accidentally shoots the other....
He freaks out and calls 911 on his cell-phone:
"I just accidentally shot my friend while we were hunting! I think he's dead! What do i do?! What do I do?"
"Ok sir. Calm down. First let's make sure your friend is really dead. . . "
"Ok! Hang on! "
BANG!
"Ok. He's really dead. Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mother is so n**...
If she brushed her teeth she would have to call 911 to get a blood transfusion.
A woman calls 911...
A woman calls 911:
‒ Please help, a skunk got into my house and I can't seem to shoo it out.
‒ Ma'm, just make a trail of breadcrumbs out of the door, the skunk will follow them out.
A little while later, the same woman calls back:
‒ Yes, hi. I followed your advice with the breadcrumbs... now I have two skunks.
A father goes hunting...
A father goes hunting with his son. They are walking through the woods the son collapses. The father call 911 and tells the operator what happened. The operator tells him to make sure he is not breathing, a few seconds later the operator hears a gunshot. Then the father says to the operator "what next"
Someone should call 911...
...because YouTube is having one of its daily 500 seizures.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jimmy is out hunting with his best buddy Mark
When Mark suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Thinking quickly Jimmy calls 911.
"My friend just had a heart attack! I think he's dead." he says the operator
"Ok sir, calm down. First check to make sure he's definitely dead. I'll hold."
**\*BLAM***
"Yeah, he's definitely dead."
A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase
So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"
The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"
9/11 Called.
They want their building back.
A plane crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11
They call it the Square now
A blonde woman finds a dead body...
Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"
Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why cant a blonde girl call 911?
She can't find the 11.
REKT
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Battlefield calls 911
Battlefield: Hi I'd like to turn myself in for a m**...
911: Who's the victim?
Battlefield: Call of Duty
A guy calls 911 and says someone dropped a box on his head
Dispatcher: "Is it empty?"
Guy: "Yes it is"
Dispatcher: "How about the box?"
(my dad told me this yesterday)
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
9/11 gave rise to "Truthers", Obama gave rise to "Birthers", so...
... would a movement to determine whether Hillary Clinton actually carries hot sauce in her purse be called "Saucers"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I had to call 9-1-1 while golfing today
My buddy had a s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Accidentally called 911
Set my house on fire to not look s**....
Two men go out hunting…
Two men go out hunting and everything is going fine until one of them trips, falls on a rock, and becomes unresponsive. Thinking the man is dead, the other man calls 911 and the operator tells him to make sure the man is dead. The operator hears a gunshot and the man says "Ok, what now?"
An elderly lady dials 911.
"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."
Two men are in the woods...
One man completely drops dead, eyes completely white, and his heart stops, the other man freaks out, and calls 911, they say to "Make sure he is dead." A gunshot is heard and the man asks:
"Okay, what now?"
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What should I call my new lesbian h**... featuring two anime schoolgirls trapped in the South Tower during 9/11?
*Two Tsun?*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An almost hysterical man calls 911...
He yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor just started now, it's really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No d**...! It's her husband!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba Calls 911
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Bubba replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'
Two carrots are walking together down the street,
One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.
As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.
Hey girl, is your number 911?
...because im gonna keep calling you until the police arrest me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call 9/11 without the arabs?
IXXI
Two corny jokes
Why did the farmer standing in the field call 911?
He thought he was being stalked.
Why did the corn go to the doctor?
It had an ear infection.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 2 hunters in the woods
suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat.
Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat. Nobody falls in the water. Nothing tells Crazy to call the police. Crazy quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911 and says: "Hi, I'm Crazy. I call for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water".
There are 2 hunters in the woods
One of them collapses and the other calls 911. The hunter says, "I think my friend is dead, what do I do?" The operator says, "Okay, first make sure he is dead." There was a gun shoot, then the hunter said, "Now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
I got sacked on my first day as a 911 dispatcher...
I got a call saying "officer down, officer down"
I said "aw, what's up buddy, I'll cheer you up"
9/11
A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the d**... do when he lost his phone?
He got his phone and called 911...
What do you call when you see bears roaming in Wall Street?
911
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush
Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!
Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergency?"
"My friend, He got bit by a rattlesnake, what do I do?"
"Stay calm sir .... It's necessary for you to s**... on the wound to draw the poison out"
"What if I can't do that?:" asks Bubba
"Then your friend will die."
"BUBBA", moans Jeff, "what are they telling you on the phone?"
"Jeff", says Bubba, "you're going to die"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If the war on t**... were a TV show what would you call 9/11?
The pilot episode.
Came across a body lying on the sidewalk
A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, I'm on Sycamore Drive.
How do you spell that? the operator asked.
S-i-c-k… the man began. No, s-i-c-a….. no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I'll call you back.
Alicia Keys called 911
Operator: Yes ma'am what's your emergency?
Alicia: *My house is on fiyyyyaaaaaaaaaa*
What do you call it when a woman lies in bed with two handicapped boys who lack 1 arm and 1 leg?
911 (noone will get it 100%)
There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911
It was an emerging sea.
I started watching this show called "Greatest Tragedies."
Their episode on 9/11 made for a great pilot, but the Hindenburg episode was when it crashed and burned.