Silly & Ridiculous 80 Year Old Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?
In both cases you really dont want to look down !
How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?
How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*c**..."?
You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"
65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day
What does a 80 year old women taste like?
Depends..
A tale of two young men
There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving o**... s**... from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!
How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"?
You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"
Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman?
A:Depends
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran n**... through the flower show?
...he won first place for a dried arrangement!
What's the difference between having s**... with an 18 year old girl, and an 80 year old girl?
have you ever tried to open up a grilled cheese?
Old Lenny
Old Lenny lived far out in the western mountains of Maine. He had spent all of his 80 years living on the family homestead.
One morning, two land surveyors appeared at his doorstep. The first one spoke: "Now Lenny, we know you is a proud Mainer, but it seems you ain't in Maine at all. We jist finished surveyin' this whole township, and your house is actually on the New Hampshire side of the state line."
"Wicked decent," says old Lenny, "I'd had enough of them Maine winters anyhow."
"There are three kinds of s**......"
"There's homosexual s**..., for people who have s**... at home, bisexual, for people who buy s**..., and there's t**...—that's me, I'll try anything!"
Credit to Francis, the 80-year-old, flamboyantly hilarious artist I met on the train yesterday morning.
You can explore 80 year old child reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 80 year old checkup dad jokes. There are also 80 year old puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
You guys ever hear the joke about the cross-eyed seamstress?..
She couldn't mend straight.
Disclaimer: My 80+ year old grandfather told me this joke over the weekend so it is older than sin, figured you guys may enjoy it. Sorry if re-post.
80-year-old's joke overheard at Costco food court
Have you ever seen geese flying in a v formation? Often one side of the v will be longer than the other. Do you know why?
...
There are more geese on that side of the v.
---
This old man was dropping tons of jokes in the Costco food court. A few were pretty funny.
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Drop in
An 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, n**..., against a wall.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in."
My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.
My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.
So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.
60 Years of Marriage
An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.
Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"
She responds "that's for 60 years of bad s**..."
They continue to rocking on the porch.
A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.
With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"
Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."
What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?
Depends
An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth
He tells the priest that he just had a t**... with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a t**...," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"
An 80 year old couple are talking with each other
"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.
"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.
"What did you say?" he asks.
"I can't remember," she says.
An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.
This time to a f**... director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.
An 80 year old man r**... his bed nurse.
He was charged with assault with a dead weapon.
Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.
The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"
Just experienced my first mugging
After living in D.C. for over a year, I just experienced my first mugging.
Got $80 off the old guy.
What did the 80 year old pirate say?
Aye matey. Then the 82 year old pirate said, aye matey too. The 80yo pirate said, no you're not, you're eighty two! I'm eighty. Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the 80yo pirate said, no you're not! You're eighty two! Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the...
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
What does eating out a 80 year old grandma taste like?
Depends..
An elderly man walks into confession and says...
Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!
What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?
Her n**....
What does an 80 year old man and the Catalan republic have in common?
They both only last around 8 seconds
The Elderly Guy in Church
An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."
I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. You know the thing about dating now is...
I never get to meet their parents!
Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman
A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"
Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.
He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
What does it smell like to go down on an 80 year old?
Depends
An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office
After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, f**..., u**... and if possible s**... for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"
An 80-year old man walks into a bar
He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time
A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a n**... handstand
He asks, What are you doing?
She says, I know you can't get it up but maybe you can drop it in
An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor after undergoing a full body image testing and asks him "What is the result, Doc?"
The doctor asks him "What is your zodiac sign?" Though confused, he replies "Cancer, why?" The doctor turns his head to the man and says "what a coincidence!"
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa
Because tomorrow he turns 81!
An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand n**... against a wall.
Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?
She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."
An old man goes to confession.
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."
The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.
"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.
The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay
For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst s**... of your life
Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.
Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
Aye matey.
What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?
An octagram.
An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".
Doctor: "That's wonderful!"
Old man: "But I can't remember why?"
A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"
An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage
He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .
The old man and the elevator.
An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walking cane walks into the elevator. A few minutes later a beautiful 25 year old blonde with huge t**... walks out. The old man says to his son "Quick go get your mama".
A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.
So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
I'll take him, him, and him!
A fairy once appeared and told a family couple
"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.
peaches vs peas
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches,
And she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
An old man goes fishing
An old man is fishing at a lake when a frog approaches him.
The frog says "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman and fall in love with you."
The man is amazed. He pick up the frog, stuffs him in his pocket and heads for home.
On the drive, the frog starts squirming and making a fuss, so the man takes the frog out of his pocket.
The frog says "Hey, did you not hear what I said? Just kiss me already and you'll have the woman of your dreams!"
The old man replies "I'm 80 years old. I'd much rather have a talking frog"
My 7 year old organically made this up!
Super Bowl halftime show, watching with my wife and boys, wife says The halftime show is a bunch of rappers from the 80's and 90's, including Eminem, I really like him.
7 year old: Mn'Ms are good, but I like Skittles better
Wife: Not the candies silly, the rapper!
7 year old: Why would you just eat the wrappers!?
A 80 year old woman comes home from the doctor and her husband asks her how how the exam went.
The woman says The doctor said I have acute angina to which the husband replies I know you do but what does that have to do with a heart exam?
A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren't dumb
A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her what's 2+2? The little girl shivers and squeaks out T-three? The crowd erupts yelling Give her another chance! So they do and ask her again what's 2+2? The girl stands there for a moment before answering is it 4? The crowd starts chanting once again Give her another chance!
An 80yr old couple had been arguing for months.
After having enough the husband said that's it I'm going to leave you for a 20 year old.
The wife said that's fine I'll find me a 20 year old as well.
Just remember 20 goes into 80 a lot more than 80 goes into 20.
Three old farts talking
Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.
The 70-year-old says,
\- I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."
The 80-year-old says,
\- It's my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always having to jam this walker to full speed."
The 90-year-old retorts,
\- I've got it all over you guys. Bladder works find, 7 AM like clockwork. Bowels at eight. Everything works like it order. Long pause;
\- I only wish I could wake up before noon.
