The Best 56 80 Year Old Jokes

Following is our collection of funny 80 Year Old jokes. There are some 80 year old yearold jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these 80 year old doctor puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest 80 Year Old Jokes and Puns

Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?

In both cases you really dont want to look down !

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day

What does a 80 year old women taste like?

Depends..

80 Year Old joke, 65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day

A tale of two young men

There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving oral sex from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?

DO NOT LOOK DOWN!

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"?

You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"


Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman?


A:Depends

The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

80 Year Old joke, The police vs the senior citizen

Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through the flower show?

...he won first place for a dried arrangement!

What's the difference between having sex with an 18 year old girl, and an 80 year old girl?

have you ever tried to open up a grilled cheese?

Old Lenny

Old Lenny lived far out in the western mountains of Maine. He had spent all of his 80 years living on the family homestead.

One morning, two land surveyors appeared at his doorstep. The first one spoke: "Now Lenny, we know you is a proud Mainer, but it seems you ain't in Maine at all. We jist finished surveyin' this whole township, and your house is actually on the New Hampshire side of the state line."

"Wicked decent," says old Lenny, "I'd had enough of them Maine winters anyhow."

"There are three kinds of sex..."

"There's homosexual sex, for people who have sex at home, bisexual, for people who buy sex, and there's trisexualβ€”that's me, I'll try anything!"

Credit to Francis, the 80-year-old, flamboyantly hilarious artist I met on the train yesterday morning.

You can explore 80 year old child reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 80 year old checkup dad jokes. There are also 80 year old puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


You guys ever hear the joke about the cross-eyed seamstress?..

She couldn't mend straight.

Disclaimer: My 80+ year old grandfather told me this joke over the weekend so it is older than sin, figured you guys may enjoy it. Sorry if re-post.

80-year-old's joke overheard at Costco food court

Have you ever seen geese flying in a v formation? Often one side of the v will be longer than the other. Do you know why?

...

There are more geese on that side of the v.

---

This old man was dropping tons of jokes in the Costco food court. A few were pretty funny.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Drop in

An 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, naked, against a wall.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in."

My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.

My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.

So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.

80 Year Old joke, My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.

60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.

Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"

She responds "that's for 60 years of bad sex"

They continue to rocking on the porch.

A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.

With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"

Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

What do an 80 year old smoker and the Japanese House of Representatives have in common?

They only have an erection every 4 years

What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like?

Depends


An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth

He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."

The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"

"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"

An 80 year old couple are talking with each other

"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.

"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.

"What did you say?" he asks.

"I can't remember," she says.

My grandma still doesn't need glasses...

My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses.

She drinks straight from the bottle.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a funeral director.

The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.

She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a funeral director.

The reporter asks her why?

1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

What's the worst part about eating out an 80 year old?

Depends

An 80 year old man raped his bed nurse.

He was charged with assault with a dead weapon.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

Just experienced my first mugging

After living in D.C. for over a year, I just experienced my first mugging.

Got $80 off the old guy.

What did the 80 year old pirate say?

Aye matey. Then the 82 year old pirate said, aye matey too. The 80yo pirate said, no you're not, you're eighty two! I'm eighty. Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the 80yo pirate said, no you're not! You're eighty two! Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the...

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

What does eating out a 80 year old grandma taste like?

Depends..

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

What do Hugh Hefner and McDonald's have in common?

They both put 80 year old meat in 18 year old buns

What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?

Her nipples.

What does an 80 year old woman's undercarriage smell like?

Depends.

What does an 80 year old man and the Catalan republic have in common?

They both only last around 8 seconds

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. You know the thing about dating now is...

I never get to meet their parents!

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman

A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill.

He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.

How to make a lot of money by predicting the future

1) Wait until your 80+ years old

2) Dress up in a robe with a hood

3) Find dumb superstitious customers

4) Prophet

What does it smell like to go down on an 80 year old?

Depends

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, feces, urine and if possible sperm for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

An 80-year old man walks into a bar

He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time

My Grandad said he sometimes still feels like an 18 year old.

But he can't find one that feels like an 80 year old.

A stork is carrying a 80 year old man.

At some point, the old man says to the stork: "Come on, admit it, we're lost."

A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a naked handstand

He asks, What are you doing?

She says, I know you can't get it up but maybe you can drop it in

An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor after undergoing a full body image testing and asks him "What is the result, Doc?"

The doctor asks him "What is your zodiac sign?" Though confused, he replies "Cancer, why?" The doctor turns his head to the man and says "what a coincidence!"

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa

Because tomorrow he turns 81!

An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand naked against a wall.

Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?

She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.

The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.

Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey.

What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother?

An octagram.

An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women".

Doctor: "That's wonderful!"

Old man: "But I can't remember why?"

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's WTF podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.

----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!

I'm getting stronger, right?"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the 80 year old asked jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working 80 year old avid piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes