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80 Year Old Jokes

104 80 year old jokes and hilarious 80 year old puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 80 year old that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest 80 Year Old Short Jokes

Short 80 year old jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 80 year old humour may include short sixty year old jokes also.

  1. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
  2. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa. Because tomorrow he turns 81! Happy early bday grandpa!
  3. I was at Walgreens this morning and I overheard an 80+ year old man tell a joke to the cashier. You know the thing about dating now is... I never get to meet their parents!
  4. An old man: "Doctor, I am 80 years old and still chasing women". Doctor: "That's wonderful!"
    Old man: "But I can't remember why?"
  5. My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like. My ten year old son just asked me what were the 80's like.
    So I turned the Wi-Fi off and took away his smart phone.
  6. 65 year old guy i work with came at me with this one the other day What does a 80 year old women taste like?
    Depends..
  7. Age is not an excuse. I just caught an 80-year-old man doing exercise down a hill. He was very acrobatic too, doing flips in his wheelchair.
  8. Just experienced my first mugging After living in D.C. for over a year, I just experienced my first mugging.
    Got $80 off the old guy.
  9. What does an 80 year old man and the Catalan republic have in common? They both only last around 8 seconds
  10. Whats the similarity between getting a bl*wjob from an 80 year old and walking the tightrope ?
    In both cases you really dont want to look down !

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80 Year Old One Liners

Which 80 year old one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 80 year old? I can suggest the ones about sixty years old and seventy year old.

  1. Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa Because tomorrow he turns 81!
  2. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
  3. Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman?
    A:Depends
  4. What does it smell like to go down on an 80 year old? Depends
  5. What does a mathematician call their 80-year old grandmother? An octagram.
  6. What does an 80 year old lesbian taste like? Depends
  7. What does eating out a 80 year old grandma taste like? Depends..
  8. An 80 year old couple have been married for 54 years. It's a one-liner.
  9. What does an 80 year old woman's undercarriage smell like? Depends.
  10. What's the worst part about eating out an 80 year old? Depends
  11. What do you call a hipster who is 80 years old? Someone with a lot of hip replacements
  12. What does an 80-year old pirate say? Aigh, matey.
  13. 80 year old pirate What does an say?
    Aye Matey!
    (I'm Eighty) dad joke explanation
  14. What does an 80-year-old person taste like? Depends.
  15. What's the best thing about 89 year olds? [Dark] There's 80 of 'em!

80 Year Old joke, What's the best thing about 89 year olds? [Dark]

Silly & Ridiculous 80 Year Old Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter

What funny jokes about 80 year old you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ninety year old jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 80 year old pranks.

What weighs 35 tons, has four fuzzy ears and is 80 million years old?
Two rabbits riding a brontosaurus.

Seniors!

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, What am I doing? I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

An 80-year old man buys a Corvette

He gets it out on the open highway and takes it to 80, then 100, then 120 before he knows it.
He looks in his mirror to see flashing red lights so he pulls over.
The highway patrolman walks up and say, "You know how fast you were going and I know how fast you were going. I've heard every excuse in the book but if you give me one I haven't heard, I'll let you go."
The 80-year old looks the trooper up and down and says, "My wife left me thirty year ago for a highway patrolman and Inwas afraid you were bringing her back!"
Trooper closes his book and sends the Corvette driver on his way!

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear?

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*c**..."?
You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

An 80 year old man is crying in a park bench...

A young man passing by decides to help:
"What's wrong?" said the young man.
"Well... it's just that I... I'm in love with a 22 year old." said the old man.
"I see, and she doesn't correspond?" said the young man.
"Actually we are married. The problem is that, everyday after I wake up in the morning, we have wild s**.... Then she leaves for work" the old man said.
"That's not bad" the young man said.
"Well, when I she gets home, she makes my meal and gives me a b**.... After we eat, we have more wild s**...." the old man said.
"If you are having s**... all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.
"The problem is I forgot where I live!"

A tale of two young men

There is a young man walking a tight rope between two high rise buildings. In the same city, at the same time, there is another young man receiving o**... s**... from from a 80 year old woman. They both are thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time. What could it be?
DO NOT LOOK DOWN!

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"?

You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"

The police vs the senior citizen

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper

Interviewing an 80-year-old lady

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a f**... director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a f**... director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go go go"

Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran n**... through the flower show?

...he won first place for a dried arrangement!

80 year old man and young bride

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 30 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No". The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

What's the difference between having s**... with an 18 year old girl, and an 80 year old girl?

have you ever tried to open up a grilled cheese?

An 80 year old man and his 25 year old pregnant wife are in hospital.

The old man's young wife manages to give birth to a healthy baby. After the birth, the midwife goes up to the old man in private and says, "I know this is none of my business, but how can someone as old as you manage to have a baby with someone who is as young as your wife is?" The old man laughs and says "You've just got to keep the engine running, if you know what I mean!"
A year later, the same couple are back in the hospital to have another baby. The same midwife delivers the baby, and again, she asks the same question, even more intrigued. Again, the man gives the same answer: "You've just got to keep the engine running."
The very next year, the couple again are back in hospital to have yet another baby. This time, the midwife says to the old man, "This time, I want a proper answer: how could someone as old as you have a baby with someone so young?" The old man says, "I keep on telling you: you've just got to keep the engine running!" The midwife replies, "Well, looks like you've forgotten to oil your engine." "What do you mean?" asks the old man.
"Your baby is black."

The senior citizen and the Corvette.

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

An 80-year old man walks into the doctor's office for his regular check-up.

The doctor says to him, Ahh, Ted, how are you feeling?
Great, says the old man. I have an 18-year old wife, and she's pregnant with my child.
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Ted, Ted, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots a
lion. He aims at the lion with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The lion falls dead to the ground.
What?! cries the old man. Why? that's impossible! Someone else must have shot the lion.
Exactly! says the doctor.

Old Lenny

Old Lenny lived far out in the western mountains of Maine. He had spent all of his 80 years living on the family homestead.
One morning, two land surveyors appeared at his doorstep. The first one spoke: "Now Lenny, we know you is a proud Mainer, but it seems you ain't in Maine at all. We jist finished surveyin' this whole township, and your house is actually on the New Hampshire side of the state line."
"Wicked decent," says old Lenny, "I'd had enough of them Maine winters anyhow."

"There are three kinds of s**......"

"There's homosexual s**..., for people who have s**... at home, bisexual, for people who buy s**..., and there's t**...—that's me, I'll try anything!"
Credit to Francis, the 80-year-old, flamboyantly hilarious artist I met on the train yesterday morning.

You guys ever hear the joke about the cross-eyed seamstress?..

She couldn't mend straight.
Disclaimer: My 80+ year old grandfather told me this joke over the weekend so it is older than sin, figured you guys may enjoy it. Sorry if re-post.

80-year-old's joke overheard at Costco food court

Have you ever seen geese flying in a v formation? Often one side of the v will be longer than the other. Do you know why?
...
There are more geese on that side of the v.
---
This old man was dropping tons of jokes in the Costco food court. A few were pretty funny.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, she noticed the baby skunk was cold and shaking.
"What should I do?" she asked.
"Put the baby skunk between your legs, it's warm there.", I told her.
"But what about the smell?" she asked.
"Oh don't worry, he'll get used to it."

Drop in

An 80-year-old man comes home and finds his 80-year-old wife doing a handstand, n**..., against a wall.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She responds, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop in."

60 Years of Marriage

An old couple in their 80's are sitting in their rocking chairs on the front porch enjoying the day. Suddenly the wife reaches over and just slaps her husband across the face.
Flabergasted he looks at her and says "what was that for?"
She responds "that's for 60 years of bad s**..."
They continue to rocking on the porch.
A few minutes later the husband reaches over and smacks his wife hard enough that it knocks her out of her chair onto the porch.
With tears in her eyes she asks "what was that for?"
Her husband replies "that's for knowing the difference."

What do an 80 year old s**... and the Japanese House of Representatives have in common?

They only have an e**... every 4 years

An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth

He tells the priest that he just had a t**... with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."
The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"
"I'm 80 years old and just had a t**...," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"

An 80 year old couple are talking with each other

"I've heard your memory is the first to go in old age," says the old man.
"I've heard your hearing is the first to go," says the old woman.
"What did you say?" he asks.
"I can't remember," she says.

My grandma still doesn't need glasses...

My grandma is over 80 years old and still doesn't need glasses.
She drinks straight from the bottle.

An 80 year old lady gets married for the 4th time.

This time to a f**... director.
The local paper does a story on her and they ask her about her previous marriages.
She tells them that at 20 she married a bank manager, at 40 a ringmaster, at 60 a pastor and at 80 a f**... director.
The reporter asks her why?
1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go.

An 80 year old man r**... his bed nurse.

He was charged with assault with a dead weapon.

Spercomputer was asked to find an alternative to Clinton and Trump to save presidential election.

The computer picked up a 80-year-old one-legged man from mental hospital in Georgia.
When he was asked: "How could you be a better alternative? You are older than any of them, sicker than Clinton and even more insane than Trump?", he answered:
"Well, maybe because I'm honest about it"

What did the 80 year old pirate say?

Aye matey. Then the 82 year old pirate said, aye matey too. The 80yo pirate said, no you're not, you're eighty two! I'm eighty. Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the 80yo pirate said, no you're not! You're eighty two! Then the 82 year old pirate said, Aye matey! Then the...

What do you call an 80 year old at an u**...?

Ole Miss

Problems Of Old Men

 Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, 'The best
 thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee.
 I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts.
 I have to go over and over again.' 
 The 85 year-old said, 'The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have
 one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on
 and it's still a problem.' 
 Then the 90 year-old said, 'That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am
 sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 am sharp I have a great bowel 
 movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up
 before 7:00 am.

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

What do Hugh Hefner and McDonald's have in common?

They both put 80 year old meat in 18 year old buns

What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't?

Her n**....

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
*"So then, why are you telling me?"*
"I'm telling everybody."

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman

A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

An 80 year old man goes to the doctor

The doctor tells him that he needs a s**... sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a s**... sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."

How to make a lot of money by predicting the future

1) Wait until your 80+ years old
2) Dress up in a robe with a hood
3) Find dumb superstitious customers
4) Prophet

An 80 year old man walks into the doctor's office

After the examination, the doctor says: "Sir, you have to give blood, f**..., u**... and if possible s**... for tests." The man replied: "Well, doctor, I'm in a bit of a hurry, will it be okay if I just left my underpants?"

An 80-year old man walks into a bar

He walks over to the bartender and orders a beer when the bartender asks for ID. Are you kidding me? I'm 80 years old the old man says. The bartender apologizes, still resisted he had to see the guys ID. So the old man pays and gives the bartender the change back It's for carding me, I take it as a compliment!
The bartender says Thanks, works every time

A 80 year old guy is having s**... with a young girl

He suddenly starts shaking, the girl asks what's happening, he said well, it's either they're coming or i'm going

My Grandad said he sometimes still feels like an 18 year old.

But he can't find one that feels like an 80 year old.

A stork is carrying a 80 year old man.

At some point, the old man says to the stork: "Come on, admit it, we're lost."

A 80 year old man walks in on his 80 year old wife doing a n**... handstand

He asks, What are you doing?
She says, I know you can't get it up but maybe you can drop it in

An 80-year-old man goes to his doctor after undergoing a full body image testing and asks him "What is the result, Doc?"

The doctor asks him "What is your zodiac sign?" Though confused, he replies "Cancer, why?" The doctor turns his head to the man and says "what a coincidence!"

An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand n**... against a wall.

Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?
She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."
The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.
"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.
The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst s**... of your life

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she didn't know where her heart was. So the patient called her doctor and asked "where's my heart?" The doctor told her "it's about 2 inches below your n**...". So the patient hung up and then shot herself in the kneecap.

Old Age Fun

Told to me by my 80 year old mother. Elizabeth and Gladys were stuck in an older folks home and bored to tears. So they decided to have a little fun and excitement. They go into the closet and s**... n**.... Then they run through the card room were two old fellas are playing cards. Tom saids to Jim why did you see that? Jim says yes... well what did they have on?.... I don't know, but it sure needed ironed

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and b**... functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I c**... like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"

A 90 year old man goes to the doctor.

Full disclosure, I got this joke from Tom Jones on Marc Maron's w**... podcast today. Tom's 80, mentally spry like he's 30, and he swears like a sailor.
----
90 year old man goes to the doctor.
Says Doctor, it used to be that I'd get these erections so hard that I couldn't even bend them with two hands! 16, 17, 18 years old, all through my twenties... 30, I could bend a little bit, 40s a little bit more. 50s and 60s I'm getting it to about a 90 degree angle, and now I'm 90 I can bend it in half!
I'm getting stronger, right?"

An 85 year old man wanted to spice up his marriage

He went to a l**... shop to get a s**... l**... for his 80 year old wife. He got an expensive one and went home.
Later that night he gave it to his wife and told her to put it on. She went to the bathroom to put it on and found out that it was too small for her. She thought He does not have a great eyesight. I will go n**... and he would not even know . So she entered the bedroom n**....
Her husband looked at her, squinting his eyes and muttered, Well, for the price I paid, they should have atleast ironed it .

The old man and the elevator.

An old man from the country takes his family to town for the first time. They're at the mall and the mall has an elevator. Him and his son are watching this thing in amazement as they never saw one before and was not sure what it was. An older lady at least 80 with Gray hair in rollers and a walking cane walks into the elevator. A few minutes later a beautiful 25 year old blonde with huge t**... walks out. The old man says to his son "Quick go get your mama".

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday the pastor said Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out 3 hymns.

So they passed the offering plate around and the pastor sees a $100 bill in the plate.
He said Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select 3 hymns.
An 80 year old lady slowly got up, walked to the front, and pointed her finger into the pews…
I'll take him, him, and him!

A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

"For 25 years you were a wonderful family couple. I now shall grant each of you one wish."
The wife went first.
"I want to travel the world with my dearly beloved husband'.
The fairy waved her magic wand, and instantly in the wife's hand appeared plane tickets and travel vouchers.
But unexpectedly the 50 year old husband said.
"This is really romantic and wonderful, but this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I'm sorry honey, but I want a wife 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her magic wand once again, and immediately turned the guy into an 80 year old man.

80 Year Old joke, A fairy once appeared and told a family couple

jokes about 80 year old