8 Mile Jokes

[Long]Three Toronto surgeons were playing golf together

and discussing surgeries they had performed..
 
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Ontario. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.
 
The second surgeon said.. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; 
I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics.
 
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs . Several years ago a man was high on c**... and m**... 
and he rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. 
All I had left to work with was the man's  blonde hair and the Horse's a**.... 
I was able to put them together and now he's running for President of the U..S.A!"

Converting Units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road.
He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job.
He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift.
He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road.
Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road.
He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?”
“Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”