The Best 88 500 Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest 500 jokes. There are some 500 calls jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these 500 eighty puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny 500 Jokes and Puns

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention.

EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D

EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow grass at a cemetery.


Three boys were talking after school...

Three boys were talking after school while waiting for their fathers to pick them up. The first one boasts: "My dad is a Formula One driver. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:15."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My dad is a jet pilot. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 5:05!"

The last boy looks at his companions and says: "Pfff.... amateurs! My dad works for the government. He finishes work at 5:00 and picks me up at 4:45!"

I forgot the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500.

I am LIVID.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

At my job, I have 500 people under me.

I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!

The only problem is I'm British...

You can explore 500 thousand reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 500 eighteen dad jokes. There are also 500 puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Those hedge funds should have known they'd lose money by shorting GME.

As for us Gamestop customers, we fully expect to sell something for $20 and have to spend $500 when we want to buy it back.

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

Going to Vegas

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her things. "What are you doing?" he asks.
His wife replies, "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I hear that men will pay me $500 to do to them what I do to you for free."
The man says nothing, walks over to the closet, grabs his suitcase and begins packing his things.
"What do you think you're doing?" his wife asks.
The man replies, "I'm going to Vegas. I want to see how you're going to live off of $500 a year."

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheaper to bury her her. Husband says "Someone else came back to life after 3 days being buried here before, I'd rather not take that chance."

So a college teacher is talking to his male students...

"Access to the women's dorms is strictly prohibited. If someone is caught there for the first time, they will suffer a fine of 100 dollars. The second offence will involve a 300 dollar fine. Getting caught there for the third time will cost you a hefty fine of 500 dollars."

Suddenly, a student in the back raises his hand and asks:

"How much for a semester pass?"

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

How do you get 500 cows into a barn?

Put a bingo sign on it.


A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

A Saudi Arabian prince is going to college in England

He texts his father,
"Dad, I feel weird driving my Lamborghini to school when all my classmates take a train"
His father replies;
"Son, I have transferred 500 million dollars into your account. Go out and buy a train and stop embarrassing this family"

Today I donated a watch...

Today I donated a watch and $500 dollars to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put back his knife in his pocket.

Four older men are bragging about their sons

The first says, "My son is a bishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Excellency".

The second says, "My son is an archbishop, and when he enters the room people say, Your Grace".

The third says, "My son is a cardinal, and when he enters the room people say, Your Eminence".

"My son is 7 feet tall, and 500 pounds," says the fourth man.

"And when he enter the room, people say, 'My God!'"

...told by my parish priest.

A zombie walks into a brain store

On the shelves, a pound of C++ programmers' brain sells for $500, of Java programmers, $1000, and of PHP programmers, $1,000,000. The zombie gets confused and asks the store owner why PHP programmers' brain is so much more expensive. The owner says "do you know how many PHP programmers I kill to get one pound of brain?"

What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?

British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"

Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"

I spent all of last night trying to remember the Roman numerals for 51, 6, and 500 and couldn't....

...I'm so LIVID right now.

Ferrari

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves

In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

Is it wrong to hate a certain race?

Because I'm not really a fan of the Indy 500

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

So this redneck in New York is getting mugged...

and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the redneck. "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"

I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine

A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".

"$500? Why is it so expensive?"

"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"

"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"

"$2000!"

"$2000?"

"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"

"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"

"The third one costs $200,000".

"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"

"absolute nothing."

"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"

"because the other two parrots call him boss".

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

There are 500 bricks on a plane...

- There are 500 bricks on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

499

- What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, put elephant in, close fridge

- What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge

- The Lion king is having a birthday party. All the animals attend but one. Which animal is it and why?

Giraffe. He's stuck in a refrigerator.

- Sally wants to cross an alligator infested river. There is no bridge and the only way she can get across is by swimming. She swims across and makes it to the other side safely. Why?

The alligators are all at the birthday party.

- Sally dies anyways. Why?

She got hit in the head by a flying brick

Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.

(TKZS = a state-run commie collective farm.)

A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."

The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"

β€žCuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.

They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"

β€žShe said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says β€žCome with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says β€žOink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.

β€žPiggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says β€žWelcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes β€žMeeh!

Boss says β€žDon't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge joke

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in the deer, then close the fridge.
The Lion King is having a party. All the animals are there except for one; who is it?
The deer: He is still in the fridge.
An old lady is crossing a swamp, but it is a crocodile swamp. How does she cross? Normally, all the crocodiles are at the Lion King's party
Mary dies at the edge of the swamp. How?

A brick falls from the sky and kills her.

Knock knock Who's there?

Not Mary

Irishman and a Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .

The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .

A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee!

A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!

If there are 500 bricks on a plane and one falls off, how many are left?

499.

What are the 3 steps of putting an elephant into a fridge?
Open fridge, put elephant in fridge, close fridge

What are the 4 steps of putting a giraffe into a fridge?
Open fridge, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close fridge.

The lion king is hosting a party. All but one of the guests show up. Who is missing?
The giraffe, he's stuck in the fridge.

Sally wants to go to the party, but she has to cross a crocodile-infested river to get there. She successfully swims across, how?
All the crocodiles are at the party.

Sally dies anyway, why?
She got hit in the head by a falling brick.

After 10yrs of marriage is finding out that your spouse sucked 500+ dicks before getting hitched a big deal?

Because I think my wife is just overreacting?

A Texan walks into an Irish pub...

and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I thought we had already established what you are, we are just haggling over the price.

Terrorists have taken >500 hostages at the Bar Association annual conference

Unless their demands are met, they'll release one lawyer every hour.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it...

a chihuahua 500 miles away will bark at it.

Two friends meet at a bar

Guy 1: Can you believe i just spent $3000 to cremate my mother-in-law?

Guy 2: Oh really? i only paid $500 to cremate my mother-in-law

Guy 1: Yeah but your mother-in-law was dead...

Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I haven't paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean in my face.

The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

I tried to do an intense workout that involved 500 sit ups per day

But my body couldn't take the ab use

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:

1) No one can find out that I did this.

2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.

3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

What happened when the shoe factory burned down?

500 soles were lost.

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.

Why did the crematorium operator get a $500 bonus?

Because he'd urn-ed it.

I said to my wife, "Honey, I want to have sex like we used to"....

"Okay, That will be 500 dollars"

Lawyers are expensive

Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

Today I donated my watch

Today I donated my watch, my phone and 500$. You don't know the happiness I felt when he put his gun away.

A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.

- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

One you pay $500 an hour to screw you.

The other one has sex for money.

Did you hear about the shoe factory that was destroyed?

They lost 500 souls!

What's the difference between a soybean and a chickpea?

Donald Trump wouldn't pay $500 to have a soybean in his mouth.

Apparently heroin addicts spend upwards of $500 on heroin a day

On an unrelated note, anyone want to lend me $500

Did you see that Walmart will be closing about 500 stores by the end of the year...?

It's going to put about 12 cashiers out of work.

whats the difference between the USA and a yogurt?

If you leave a yogurt unwatched for 500 years it will develop its own culture.

This one's incredibly old, but it's still as funny to me today as it was 500 years ago

So a man goes to a psychiatrist and tell the man, "Sir, my brother thinks he's a chicken." So the psychiatrist replies, "Well then, why don't you bring him in?" Then the man tells him, "Well, sir, I would, but we need the eggs."

Today I gave a homeless man $500 and an iPhone

I've never felt such happiness when he put his gun away.

The most patient man in the world is 500 lbs!

That's a lot of wait!

A man took his dog to the vet thinking he was dead

The veterinarian placed the dog on a table and placed a cat upon the dog. The cat walked across the dog and veterinarian said, "yep, he is dead, that will $535." The man was outraged and asked "Why it is so much?", the vetanarian replied, "$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan."

I'm not a racist, I just believe that...

the Indy 500 is superior to all other races.

I have a math exam

My mom said she will give me 200$ if I pass.

My dad said he will give me 500$ if I pass.

I'm gonna get 1000$ after passing that easy exam,Wish me luck.

Can't remember the Roman numerals for 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500.

IM LIVID.

A man asks out a woman...

Him: "If you don't say yes I'm going to jump off that 500 foot cliff over there."

Her: "I call that a bluff."

How to get rid of a refrigerator.

A man has an old worn-out refrigerator. He decides to buy a replacement, but the fridge still works, and he doesn't have a truck to haul it away, so he moves it to the front yard and tapes a sign to it:

"STILL WORKS. FREE."

It sits out there for a week, so the man takes the sign off and puts a different one on:

"BRAND NEW. $500 OR BEST OFFER."

A day later, someone steals it.

How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?

When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

I forgot how to wite 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numerals.

I M LI VI D

Why was Adele's phone bill $500 this month?

She must have called a 1,000 times

Did you hear about the man who tried to commit suicide by taking 500 painkillers?

After taking 2 he said he felt better.

*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*

Thinking about becoming a magician.

They make A LOT of money. I'm pretty sure my neighbor is a magician because she told me she gets "over $500 per trick".

Have you walked 500 miles?

Have you walked 500 miles?

Have you been asked to walk 500 more?

You may be entitled to compensation!!!

For your free no obligation quote call the Pro-Claimers now!!

What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong?

500 Internal Server Error

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what would you have?"

"Well I'd have $500 left over after a very expensive Orgy, sir"

How do you make a duck sing the blues?

Stick it in an oven at 500 degrees until its bill withers.

I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50.

So I
said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

My mom told me she'd give me $200 if I passed my math exam and my dad told me he'd give me $500

Looks like I'm getting $1000 today Reddit!

I was supposed to pay $500 for a single chunk of metal

what a steel....

A guy has 10 bucks in his pocket and walks into a bar.

As soon as he get in, he sees a sign on the wall:

- Beer $5.00

- Handjob $10.00

He calls the hottest waitress in the room and asks: "Who are the one who gives the handjobs?"

The waitress respond: "That would be me."

"Ok... Go wash your hands and bring me two beers."

After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife

A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"

Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You don't know the happiness I felt when I saw him put the knife back in his pocket.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the 500 twentyone jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working 500 fourteen piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes