5 Minute Jokes
122 5 minute jokes and hilarious 5 minute puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 5 minute that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 5 Minute Short Jokes
Short 5 minute jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 5 minute humour may include short 2 minute jokes also.
- If a girl says she will be ready in 5 minutes she will. No need to remind her every 15 minutes about it
- It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
- How can you tell if someone was in the military? Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.
- It takes me 5 minutes to walk from my house to the bar, but 25 minutes to walk home. The difference is staggering.
- A Vegan, a Crossfitter and a Fortnite player walked into a bar I only know because they told everyone twice within 5 minutes.
- My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes….. I wasn't really feeling it
- Hired a bouncer recently, but he showed up 5 minutes late, and during the event he wouldn't stop asking me if "I was mad at him" Turns out I hired an "Insecurity Guard".
- The longest drum solo. Was 5 hours and 23 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on United Flight LY51 From Newark to Los Angeles.
- How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
- The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes. From the bar to my house is 35 minutes. The difference is staggering.
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5 Minute One Liners
Which 5 minute one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 5 minute? I can suggest the ones about 2 minutes and 5 cent.
- I am 1/4, but if you add 5 I become 1/3. What am I? 15 minutes
- How do you kill an African child? Wait 5 minutes.
- What's the difference between a post and a repost? about 5 minutes.
- My internet turned off for 5 minutes.. I met my family.. they were nice people.
- I watched a gif of a sloth for 5 minutes yesterday Until I realized it was just an image
- What do you do in 5 minutes that you then suffer for for 9 months? A school application.
- I lost 5 pounds in 10 minutes! But I wouldn't go in that bathroom for at least an hour...
- What do you need most after a 8 hour sleep A 5 minute snooze
- Finished a jigsaw puzzle in 5 minutes today.. surprising because the box said 4-6 years.
- I like my women like I like my Poke Stops. Ready to go again in 5 minutes.
- I found out i have 5 minutes to live broadcasting
- It was my first time getting laid 5 minutes ago I'm hoping to hatch soon.
- Why should you let your meat rest for 5 minutes? In case your arm gets tired.
- International women's day? Women don't need a day... They just need 5 minutes.
- I smoke for religious purposes... Every cigarette brings me 5 minutes closer to God.
5 Minute Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 5 minute you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 10 seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 5 minute pranks.
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers?
I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
It's a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My boss calls me "The computer"
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow b**... in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."
My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!
It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
Two Jewish guys are walking down the street...
Two jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!"
"I'm gonna do it," o**... tells the other and disappears through the church door.
5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks.
"Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply.
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, "I'll see." And walks off. 5 minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, "I'll see," and walks off.
I eventually found it myself. It was in aisle C.
Been in Jail for 5 minutes and I've already been r**... twice...
I really need to stop playing monopoly with my uncle.
The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers?
I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
My Boss calls me 'the computer'
Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
So a man dies and goes to heaven...
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. It takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
My colleagues call me The Computer .
Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin Airport and notices the driver keep looking in his rear view mirror at him.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "Go on then give me a clue!?"
Beckham replies, "I had a glittering career with Man Utd, played over 100 times for England and married a spice girl, is that enough?".
Driver says "No mate, I meant where are you going?"
This morning I made my coffee using red bull instead of water...
...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...
Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...
He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'
A wife asks her husband to sweep the house.
After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"
"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"
3 men are in a Soviet Prison
They ask each other why they are in prison.
The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage'
The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage'
But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'
My boss calls me, The Computer but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom
Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
Two pieces of Road walk into a bar
They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path
In Gulag
Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.
"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"
"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"
"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet economy by buying watch in capitalist country"
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.
I asked my wife if I could play doctor
I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
I Had A t**... With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."
Longest Drum Solo
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 25 minutes and it was performed by a child sitting behind me on a flight from LA to Tokyo.
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
3 vampires walk into a bar...
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used t**... and said, "I'm making tea."
When a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes she will be.
No need to keep reminding her every hour.
Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.
I used redbull instead of water for my coffee this morning
I was on the highway for 15 minutes before realizing I left my car at home
My dad's take on 35 years of marriage.
Me: "Mom and Dad, how does it feel to have been married for 35 years?"
Dad: "Well, it only seems like it's been 5 minutes..."
Mom: "Awww!"
Dad: "...Underwater."
Guys get p**... too...
Post m**... Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after m**... where you question what life is and what you just did.
If you sit on your hands 15 minutes before filling in an exam,
it feels like somebody else is disappointing for your teacher.
Why did the police chief tell his officers to show up 15 minutes early to the political demonstration?
To beat the crowds.
My friend got jury duty
So I drove him down to the courthouse. He came out 5 minutes later and said we could go. I said "How did you do that?" He said it was easy, just pretend to be super racist and they let you go. So I tried it myself a couple weeks later.
Apparently it doesn't work if you're the defendant.
A cop pulled me over and said, Papers?
I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.
He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.
MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...
Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!
It takes 5 minutes for me to walk to my pub and 15 for me to walk back.
The difference is staggering.
It takes me 5 minutes...
It takes me five minutes to walk from my house to the pub. But, it takes me 35 minutes to walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes.
And he's getting fed up with it.
5 minutes
A cop drives up Lovers' Lane and sees a car parked. He walks up to the car and sees a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book, and I'm 20."
Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting, and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."
After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....
I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
Saudi TV Mistake
Saudi Arabia TV reported the Brussels attack 15 minutes earlier than it actually happened. Saudi TV sincerely apologizes for this innocent mistake.
Massaging the wife
Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
I've been in prison for only 5 minutes, and I've already been r**....
I hate playing monopoly with my dad
The optician just took my glasses from me to repair them. They said they can fix it in 5 minutes.
I can't see it happening.
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves
In Japan they invented a machine that catches thieves, so they took it out to different countries for a test. In USA, in 30 minutes, it caught 20 thieves,
UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves,
Spain in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves :
Nigeria in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves,
Uganda in 7 minutes it caught 20,000 thieves,
Then they brought it to South Africa , in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.
The wedding night
A young women marries a very rich very old man. On the wedding night they have adjoining suites. The young woman tells her husband that she loves him for his mind and that he should feel no performance pressure. If he feels up to s**... to just knock on her door.
She goes to bed expecting a restful and undisturbed night but about 5 minutes later there is a knock and in comes the old man. They proceed to have fairly rambunctious s**... after which the old man returns to his room. The bride settles back to go to sleep. 10 min later there is another knock at the door and in he comes again, and another round of s**.... Afterward he again leaves. The young bride is very tired by now and is looking forward to a good night's sleep. 10 minutes later there is another knock at the door. She bursts out incredulously, "Again?". The old man opens the door and replies, "What? Have I been here before?"
Two guys meet up at a high school reunion
They start talking about people from their past.
"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"
"Oh yea, how she doing?"
"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.
"Oh, she got breast e**...?"
"No, she's got severe arthritis"
A Man Met a Beautiful Girl in a Bar
and wooed her until he brought her back home for some love making. After an hour the guy asked her "Are you finish?", to which the girl shook her head.
He then continues to make love to her for another hour. "Are you finish?" The girl shook her head again. He then goes on again for another 15 minutes until he's completely exhausted.
He asked her "Are you finish?"
The girl replied "No, I'm German"
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant
A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"
So this r**... in New York is getting mugged...
and he fights like a wildcat, but eventually the three toughs overcome him. Two hold him down while the third grabs his wallet and opens it.
"Ten dollars??!!? You fought like a madman for *15 minutes* for a lousy ten bucks?"
"Oh no!" replied the r**.... "I thought you were going after the $500 in my shoe!"
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway...
... he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Lover's Lane
A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."
3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.
Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"
Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."
Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"
Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"
Inmate 1: "I arrived at work on time, that's how they figured out I smuggled in a watch from the west."
Heart-Attacks are overrated
I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?
A blonde and a brunette decide to rob a bank...
The brunette is the getaway driver. She told the plan to the blonde, told her to be back in less than 5 minutes, and dropped her off at the front door of the bank.
10 minutes goes by.... No sight of the blonde...
20 minutes goes by... No sight of the blonde...
Finally, after a half hour the blonde comes running out of the bank, dragging the safe by a long rope. As soon as the blonde gets into the car, the brunette sees the guard running as fast as he can towards them, with his pants at his ankles...
After a few moments of silence, the brunette realizes what happened and screamed to the blonde, " You IDIOT! You were supposed to tie up the guard and blow the safe!!!"
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A Guy walks in an Irish Pub
I guy on vacation in Ireland walks into a pub and says
"I hear you Irish can drink, I'll give a thousand bucks
to the guy who can drink 10 pints of Guinness in under 5 minutes"
Everyone is quiet but one of the Irishmen gets up and leaves.
In a few minutes the Irishmen walks back in and says
"Line me up 10 pints of Guinness" and he drinks them in 4 minutes flat.
As the guy is paying him the $1000 he asks the Irishmen
"If ya dont mind me askin, when you left earlier, where'd ya go"
The Irishmen says "I had to go to the pub next door
cuz I wanted to make sure I could do it"
A Calculus student is stuck in traffic...
After waiting 20 minutes with little movement, he decides to catch up on his homework. 5 Minutes in, he feels thirsty and realizes he has an unopened bottle of Coke in his backpack. He takes it out and opens it. However, as soon as he takes his first sip, a nearby police car start flashing it's lights and orders him to pull over to the side. When the cop reaches his car, the student asks:
"What am I being stopped for?"
The cop answers:
"Drinking and deriving."
Are you my homework?
Because I want to slam you down on my desk. Try to do you for 5 minutes, give up, cry, and have my dad do you for me.
Just walked in on my parents having s**......
Most awkward 45 minutes of my life.
Three apprentice vampire bats
Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That's where I got it.' the bat replied.
Shortly after the second vampire bat returns with blood dripping from his snout.
Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? That's where I got it.' the second bat replied.
Some time later the third bat returns with his whole face caked in blood.
Where did you get that blood!' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? Do you see that cow beyond the chicken? Do you see that wall beyond the cow? I didn't.'
A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think o**... s**... may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
A alien walks into a bar
He orders a drink. After some time he taps the waiter and says "beep". After 5 minutes he does it again. He does it repeatedly until the waiter says "I swear to God, if you do that one more time I'm gonna chop your b**... off!" Alien responds "I don't have any b**...". The waiter says "Then how do you have s**...?". The alien responds by tapping the waiter and saying "beep"
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
Kids are like smoking cigarettes.
I love them for about 5 minutes a day, until I realize that they are slowly killing me.
Jim Jefferies