45 Minutes Jokes
48 45 minutes jokes and hilarious 45 minutes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 45 minutes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 45 Minutes Short Jokes
Short 45 minutes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 45 minutes humour may include short 60 minutes jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
- I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
- What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds.
OK Ladies - if you didn't like that - what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes. - IN BED: It's 6 am you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 7:45. AT WORK: It's 1:30, you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 1:31.
- Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it. Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.
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45 Minutes One Liners
Which 45 minutes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 45 minutes? I can suggest the ones about 90 seconds and 30 seconds.
- I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine... Got a full night's sleep in 45 minutes.
- Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die.... Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.
- My girlfriends been smoking for 45 minutes now... Maybe I should put her out.
- I tripped going down the up escalator. I fell down for 45 minutes.
- Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
- What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
- Just walked in on my parents having s**...... Most awkward 45 minutes of my life.
Howlingly Hilarious 45 Minutes Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about 45 minutes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean turning 45 jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 45 minutes pranks.
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.
Tickle me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...
His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.
Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)
Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The most embarrassing moment of my life was probably walking in on my parents having s**...
after 45 minutes my dad was like, dude, get out of here!
i think mark hoppus said this one
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to buy v**... during Perestroika.....
....and finds a line. He stands there waiting, for 45 minutes. Eventually, he grows tired of this, and screams to the quite astonished crowd: "I am going to go to the Kremlin and kill Premier Gorbachev! A country shouldn't be run like this!"
An hour or so passes. Soon, the man returns, and asks the guy behind him if he can reclaim his spot in line.
"But why, Comrade? Didn't you say you wanted to kill Premier Gorbachev?"
"Yes, I wanted to. But the line was too long."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CNN reporter
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."
Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm...
She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said "ok well I am done plowing the Walmart parking lot, would you like to follow me over to target now?"
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.
A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. He tells the first joke and is met with roaring laughter. He thinks to himself "I wonder if I can get away with telling the same joke again." He tells the joke a second time and is again met with lots of laughs. He repeats this joke for the entirety of his 45 minute set. During his performance, he notices a gentleman in the back just nodding and smirking. After the comedian leaves the stage, the man approaches him and says "That was quite the show." The comedian replies "Thanks. I'm glad you liked it." The man then says "I have one question for you: how do you remember all that?"
So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...
...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A steed was having s**... with a fox
The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch.
Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you're enjoying it too.
The fox answers: Well if you'd pull out a bit maybe i could twitch my neck.
A blonde was desperate for money...
so she decided to go to the richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs.
At the first house, a man answered the door and told her. 'Yeah, I have a job for you. Could you paint the porch?'
'Sure,' smiled the blonde, 'I'll do it for $100.'
'Great,' the man replied. 'You'll find the paint and stuff you need in the garage.'
The man went back into the house to his wife, who'd been listening. 'A hundred bucks! Does she know it goes all the way around the house?' asked the wife.
'Well, she must. She was standing right on it!' he said.
About 45 minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. 'I'm all done,' she reported.
The man was amazed. You painted the whole porch?'
'Yeah,' the blonde said. 'I even had some left, so I put on two coats!'
The man reached into his wallet to pay her.
'And by the way,' said the blonde, 'that's not a Porsche. It's a Ferrari.'
Hey girl, are you the SAT?
Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is bored of s**... with his wife
* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?
* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.
* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?
* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?
* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.
* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?
* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.
A concerned husband goes to his priest...
"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chuck Norris once entered an eating contest.
His total time was 45 minutes. 5 minutes to finish the contest, and 40 minutes having s**... with the waitress.
A woman was on holiday..
A woman was on holiday in Europe and decided to go on a tour of a cathedral. When she arrived she found out that the next tour didn't start for another 45 minutes, so she decided to wander about. As she walked around upstairs she saw a sign for a belfry and wanted to have a look but she wasn't taking much care and walked head first into one of the churches bells before falling. People started to gather around her and as the minister came over they asked if he knew who she was?
"I have no idea. But her face rings a bell."
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Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans?
Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Had A t**... With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."
Three kids walk into a classroom...
The White girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 45 minutes
The Asian girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 35 minutes
The Mexican girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 5 minutes
I was out hunting and got lost with my dad...
We were wandering around the woods for hours with no sight of the road. The sun was starting to set so I say to my dad,
I hear when you get lost, you are supposed to fire three shots in the air, and someone will come rescue you.
He said that sounded like a great idea! So he set off three shots into the air and we start to wait.
About 45 minutes pass and no one comes for us. I tell my dad to fire three more shots into the air. He does and This time we wait about an hour and a half. Still no one comes.
I tell my dad to try one last time but he says to me,
I'm sorry son, I'm all out of arrows.
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I'll never forget the time I was a stud and he'd s**... for an hour and 45 minutes.
Thank you, spring forward.
I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,
Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man returns home from a doctors visit..
He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,
"I've got 12 hours to live.."
The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,
"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"
The husband looks down at the floor, thinking for a short moment, before responding;
"s**.... Non stop s**... for the next 11 hours and 45 minutes"
The wife shakes her head and looks away from her husband,
"What's wrong?" The husband asks,
"Well, that's easy for you to do, but you also don't have to get up tomorrow" The wife responds
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I don't know about you guys but service has been pretty c**... lately
I mean, I waited 45 minutes and no one came to wash my hands. What is the employees must wash hands sign for?
A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)
So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."
Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.