45 Minutes Jokes

54 45 minutes jokes and hilarious 45 minutes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 45 minutes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest 45 Minutes Short Jokes

Short 45 minutes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 45 minutes humour may include short 60 minutes jokes also.

  1. The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
    I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  2. The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said papers? I said scissors, I win! and drove off. He's been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
  3. I like to do drugs in a Chipotle bathroom Because no one questions you if you spend 45 minutes in a Chipotle bathroom.
  4. I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
  5. A cop pulled me over and said, Papers? I said, scissors, I win, and drove off.
    He must have wanted a rematch because he has been chasing me for 45 minutes.
  6. What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? 30 pounds.
    OK Ladies - if you didn't like that - what's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes.
  7. It's a 5 minute walk to the pub from my house. But getting home takes 45 minutes! The difference is staggering!
  8. Difference between GF & WIFE Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    A: 45 lbs.
    Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    A: 45 minutes.
  9. The difference Its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub, and its a 45 minutes walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering..
  10. Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans? Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

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45 Minutes One Liners

Which 45 minutes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 45 minutes? I can suggest the ones about 90 seconds and 30 seconds.

  1. I poured Red Bull into my CPAP machine... Got a full night's sleep in 45 minutes.
  2. Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die.... Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.
  3. My girlfriends been smoking for 45 minutes now... Maybe I should put her out.
  4. I tripped going down the up escalator. I fell down for 45 minutes.
  5. Ugh, who has time to work out?... I say before a 45 minute nap.
  6. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
  7. Just walked in on my parents having s**...... Most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

Howlingly Hilarious 45 Minutes Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about 45 minutes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hour jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 45 minutes pranks.

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

A blonde gets lost in her car in a snowstorm.

She remembers her father's advice, "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Soon a snow plow comes by, and she follows it for about 45 minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck gets out and asks her what she is doing.
She explains the advice her father had given her.
The driver says, "Well, I'm done with the parking lot here at the mall, now you can follow me over to the bank."

Our WIFI was down yesterday and I spent 45 minutes trying to fix it.

Our dishwasher has been broken for 3 weeks and I haven't even touched it.

m**... is the gateway drug to taking 45 minutes to pick out which color Gatorade you want to buy.

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

30 pounds. (and then the female come-back):
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes!

An elderly senator is sitting in a chair quietly when he is supposed to be giving a speech...

His friend walks up to him and asks him, "Senator, why are you so quiet today?" The senator whispers to him "I accidentally left my teeth at home, can you go fetch them for me?" His friend agrees and gets his teeth.
Once the senator got his teeth, he started his speech. normally, he would go on for no more than half an hour, but this time, he was babbling on and on for over 1 hour and 45 minutes! Once the senator finished, his friend went up to him and asked him "senator, why did you talk for such a long time? You are usually very brief." The senator replies "It's your fault, you gave me my wife's teeth!"

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.
Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"
Big Catholic news, the Pope recently stated that it is possible for atheists to go to Heaven. However, what he didn't say is once they get there, they have to spend all eternity helping Buddha squeeze into his yoga pants.
In entertainment, "Fast and Furious 6" critics say the film did not live up to the hype. Especially when the first 45 minutes of the film were Vin Diesel sitting in his Dodge Neon scanning Tokyo radio for a Limp Bizkit station.
Bad news, a m**... tax bill stalled in Colorado. Glossy-eyed congressmen promise they'll finish the bill as soon as this rad 'Stairway' solo is over.
In a recent speech, Biden hinted that government research is often wasteful. Such as Biden's $3 million study on if he saw Bigfoot getting the paper yesterday or just Sarah Palin before her morning shave.
And finally some science news. A recent marine study found that fish can use sign language. However, what was more surprising was the terrifying gang signs used by the east L.A. river fish crew, "Gills that Kills".
Thanks for reading! Been pretty busy lately so I'm making sure I produce some material for you guys to check out.

The most embarrassing moment of my life was probably walking in on my parents having s**...

after 45 minutes my dad was like, dude, get out of here!
i think mark hoppus said this one

CNN reporter

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a f**...' wall."

Blonde gets lost in a snowstorm...

She didn't panic however because when she was younger her dad taught her to wait for a snow plow and then just follow the snow plow to safety. Sure enough a snow plow drives by and she follows behind it for 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow stops and gets out and asks her if she needed anything, she says no and tells the man the lesson her father had taught her, to follow a snow plow if she was ever lost. The snow plow driver nodded and said "ok well I am done plowing the Walmart parking lot, would you like to follow me over to target now?"

A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home.

A comedian does a show in the Alzheimer's wing of a nursing home. He tells the first joke and is met with roaring laughter. He thinks to himself "I wonder if I can get away with telling the same joke again." He tells the joke a second time and is again met with lots of laughs. He repeats this joke for the entirety of his 45 minute set. During his performance, he notices a gentleman in the back just nodding and smirking. After the comedian leaves the stage, the man approaches him and says "That was quite the show." The comedian replies "Thanks. I'm glad you liked it." The man then says "I have one question for you: how do you remember all that?"

So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...

...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"

A steed was having s**... with a fox

The steed was pumping and carassing, neighing and kissing yet 45 minutes in the fox was still laying there, not moving an inch.
Fed up with the lack of respobse the horse sneers and says: i do all the work and all you do is lay there. Do something so I know you're enjoying it too.
The fox answers: Well if you'd pull out a bit maybe i could twitch my neck.

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

A guy is bored of s**... with his wife

* Friend: But whats wrong then? Why are you bored?
* Man: I just don't know man, it's not there anymore.
* Friend: Did you already try to spice things up and be a little creative?
* Man: Creative, what are you talking about?
* Friend: Well, we like to get into role playing and play doctor for an hour. Works every time.
* Man: A whole hour?!? How do you keep that up?
* Friend: First I leave her in the waiting room for about 45 minutes.

A concerned husband goes to his priest...

"Father, I think my wife is trying to poison me. Every time she makes me something to eat, the rat poison bottle gets lighter and lighter."
Troubled by hearing this, the priest tells the man, "I will go and speak with your wife and see what is going on here."
The priest then heads to their home and sits down with the wife and has a long discussion. He then comes back to talk to the husband.
"I've spoken with your wife for over 45 minutes about this", the priest said.
The husband looks intently at the priest, "Yeah, what should I do?"
The priest calmly says "you should take the poison."

Chuck Norris once entered an eating contest.

His total time was 45 minutes. 5 minutes to finish the contest, and 40 minutes having s**... with the waitress.

I Had A t**... With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend

After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."

Three kids walk into a classroom...

The White girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 45 minutes
The Asian girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 35 minutes
The Mexican girl enters. The teacher says "Do an essay", and the girl is finished in 5 minutes

I walked in on my parents having s**... last night..

Had to have been the most awkward 45 minutes of my life.

IN BED: It's 6 am you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 7:45. AT WORK: It's 1:30, you close your eyes for five minutes, it's 1:31.

I'll never forget the time I was a stud and he'd s**... for an hour and 45 minutes.

Thank you, spring forward.

I accidently walked in on my parents during s**....

That was the most akward 45 minutes of my life.

I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,

Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.

A man returns home from a doctors visit..

He sits down in front of his wife with tears dripping down his cheeks,
"I've got 12 hours to live.."

The wife begins to cry as she grabs her husbands cold hands,
"Is there anything I do for you? Any last wishes?"

The husband looks down at the floor, thinking for a short moment, before responding;
"s**.... Non stop s**... for the next 11 hours and 45 minutes"

The wife shakes her head and looks away from her husband,

"What's wrong?" The husband asks,

"Well, that's easy for you to do, but you also don't have to get up tomorrow" The wife responds

I don't know about you guys but service has been pretty c**... lately

I mean, I waited 45 minutes and no one came to wash my hands. What is the employees must wash hands sign for?

A Cop on patrol sees a car in a deserted parking lot (Long)

So he walks over to it and sees and older man in the front seat and a skimpy dressed young woman in the back reading a book. He knocks on the door and the man rolls down the window.
"Can I help you officer?"
"What are you doing?" The cop asked.
"I am just listening to music." The cop pointed at the girl
"And her?"
"She is just reading a book." The cop is a little worried about the age difference between the pair."
"How old are you?"
"I am 45."
"And her?" The man looks at his watch.
"In 11 minutes and 23 seconds she will be 18."

It takes me 5 minutes to get to the bar.

But it takes me 45 minutes to get back.
The difference is staggering.
I'll see my self out. :)

The walk from my house to the pub takes 5 minutes. The walk home is an unexplainable 45 minutes!

The difference is staggering

Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.

You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.