The Best 82 3rd Jokes
Following is our collection of funny 3rd jokes. There are some 3rd eleventh jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these 3rd 2nd puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 Funniest 3rd Jokes and Puns
I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.
Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP
What would happen if two African countries get in a war?
A 3rd World War.
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"
I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November
It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.
I'm unhappy with prime day
Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin...
I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakoboο»Ώ
At the 3rd grade violin rehearsal ...
... Donnie Corleone Jr. walks in, opens his violin case and unveils, to the shock of all, a tommy gun. The teachers are livid, panic nearly ensues, but Donnie just starts laughing uncontrollably.
"What's wrong with you? This is serious! Why are you laughing?"
"Because I just imagined dad holding up the bank with my violin."
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
You can explore 3rd blink reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 3rd 6th dad jokes. There are also 3rd puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each
1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
3 girls and thier mother were walking through a park...
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him.
Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.
A man is new in town
A man is new in town and asks the next passerby for directions:
"Excuse me, could you please tell me where the church is?"
"Yeah, it's on 3rd street."
"What, right next to the brothel?"
"What? No! The brothel is on 17th street."
"Oh, I see. Thank you very much!"
My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.
I said, If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.
Three Blondes
Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.
1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!
2nd blonde: No, stupid, they're wolf tracks!
3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!
Then they got hit by a train.
Soviet Joke
Moscow, 1985, 3rd grade class
Teacher: Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!
Little Kid starts crying
Teacher: Vladimir, why are you crying??
Little Kid: I wanna go to Soviet Union!!
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE
Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.
I used to pee my pants every time i had to talk in front of my 3rd grade class
It really killed my teaching career.
Have you seen the movie, "Constipation?"
Of course not, it won't be out for a while.
Btw, I am a teacher and a 3rd grader told me that today.
A child and his father were going to ride their bikes.
Child: \*wearing a beanie
Father: When you are going to ride your bike, you should always wear a helmet
Child: Don't worry dad, this is better. I already tested it.
Father: How?
Child: I threw them both out of the 3rd floor window. The helmet broke.
Drunk taxi.
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The
taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine
& turned it off again. Then
said,"We have reached your
destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"Thank you". The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us
Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living
Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"
Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"
And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
Miss Joan asks him why he's crying so much and Billy wails : "my papa is dead !"
"Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry... But what did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was like *arglhblargahrgablar*"
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
A guy is talking to a barmaid with an exceptionally large chest...
After an awkward pause the barmaid says "Excuse me sir, my eyes are up here"
The man replies "When you've got something written on your t-shirt, people are going to read it."
The barmaid says "Yes, but you've been staring at my chest for the past minute, what's your problem?"
The guy goes "I'm dyslexic so it's taking me a while to get through the 3rd paragraph."
Johny the Fighter Pilot
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you
grow up?"
Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Prostitute, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Johnny's Prostitute."
A class of 3rd graders return from their field trip to the farm and the teacher asks them, "what kind of noises did you hear at the farm?"
The first kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the cow go moo!"
The second kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the pig go oink!"
The third kid raises his hand and says, "I heard the farmer yell 'get off my tractor you little fucker!'"
A Weenie Contest.
Three 3rd Graders, an Irish, an Italian, and a Black are in the bathroom during recess and they decide to have a weenie contest to see who has the biggest weenie! The Irish boy pulls his out first and it's pretty small. The Italian goes next and it's about average. Then the Black Boy pulls his out and it's clearly the largest, but the other boys say "Well you won, but it's because you're black!"
So that night when the black boy goes home, his mom asks him what he did in school that day. He tells her how they did coloring, and reading, and what they learned, and how he played recess, but then he says "And mom, today me and my friends had a weenie contest, and I won! But mom, the others boys said I only won because I'm black". To which his mom replies "Tyrone, you didn't win because you're black, you won because you're 17!"
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest hooker, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be KevinΒΉs hooker."
Five logicians walk into a bar
Five logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks "beer for everyone?". The first logician says "I don't know"; second one, "I don't know"; 3rd, "I don't know"; 4th, "I don't know". The fifth one takes a second and then says "yes".
So i banged my 3rd cousin yesterday...
My buddy told me to stop counting them
I was in my attic yesterday looking for some old photos...
...when I came across the present that I was going to give to my daughter for her 3rd birthday last year.
It was a bit of a shame. She would have loved that kitten.
Three Businessmen are on a plane
The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have sex 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
visiting grandma...
A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? .........
"What . .. . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
How many 3rd wave feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Whats the point? 3rd wave feminists can't take a joke anyway.
Earth is 3rd from the Sun
That means all our problems are 3rd world problems
A guy walks in a library:
- Do you have motivational books here?
- Yes darling, right there, 3rd row, the second shelf.
- Do you have any books closer?"
Dad, can I have a glass of water?
Son: Dad can you get me some water?
Dad: Ok son
Son: Can I have another?
Dad: Why?
Son: I need it
Dad: Fine son
Son: Can I have another?
Dad: Son why do you keep asking? That's your 3rd glass
Son: Well, my room is still on fire
A man joins a monastery where you may only speak once a year
After the first year he says to the head monk "food sucks".
After the second year he says "bed is hard"
After the 3rd year he says "I quit".
The head monk says " I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here".
I don't think my 3rd base coach likes me.
He keeps telling me to go home.
UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.
This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!
Reaching 3rd base in the back of a car, she stops me and tells me she wants to be safe
I put her seatbelt on.
Ten Surprising facts doctors don't want you to know about subway tracks!
the 3rd one will shock you!
Some people say that Nintendo has no 3rd party games...
They have obviously never heard of Mario Party 3
I accidentally fell off a 50-foot ladder
but good thing I was only on the 3rd step
Lawyers are expensive
Someone walks to the lawyer's office and asks "How much is you services?" The lawyer replies "$500 for three questions". The man is surprised "Isn't that a little expensive for three questions?". The lawyer quietly replies "No sir, it is not. And what would be your 3rd question?"
Old Russian man buys a newspaper.
He looks at the front page, and tosses it away. The next day, he buys a newspaper, looks at the front page, then tosses it away. The 3rd day in a row, he buys a newspaper looks at the front page, and again, tosses it away. This time the newspaper stand attendant asks him why he tossed the newspaper away after just looking at the front page. The old man says, I'm looking for an obituary. The newspaper stand attendant says, everyone knows the obituaries are not on the front page. There old man replies, the one I'm looking for will be.
Three vampires walk into a bar...
...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea."
Online Dating
I've been trying out online dating and it hasn't been going so well. Last night, I went on a date and ended up sleeping with my 3rd cousin... I can't believe I've now had sex with three of my cousins.
Me and my friend were on a boat with 3 cigarettes but no lighter
So we threw the 3rd cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter
I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...
I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.
I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.
Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering what button he needs pushed.
Patient: "I'd like to just go to heaven."
Me: *internal wtf moment, how tf do I respond to that. I look at the button panel.*
Me: "Well.....closest I can get you is 5th floor."
There's 3 old ladies sitting on a bench
A man in a trench coat walks out, opens up the coat and flashes them. 2 of the old ladies have a stroke. The 3rd one doesn't because her arms are too short.
3 girls were being exucuted....
...The first girl was getting ready to be shot. The guard yelled,"Ready aim-"The girl yelled," Tornado! Tornado!!" The guard turned around she escaped. The second girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" She yelled,"Huirricane!! Hurricane!!" The guard turned around she was gone. The 3rd girl was being exucuted the guard yelled,"Ready aim-" The girl yelled,"Fire!!Fire!"...
For my 3rd wish, I wish for infinite wishes
"Wish granted," says the Genie.
"Really? I thought it was impossible. I wish for infinite riches now." responds the man.
The man waits for a few minutes as nothing happens.
"I thought you said you granted my wish for infinite wishes!"
The Genie smirks and responds "I said I would only GRANT three wishes. You have infinite wishes as you wanted now, except I just won't grant them. You should have looked at the dictionary definition for wish first."
Three drunk guys enter a Taxi
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. But then he asked "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replied, " Control yourspeed next time, you nearly killed us!
Little Suzy had 13 children.
Her husband died and she remarried and had 10 more children.
That husband died and she remarried and had 8 more children.
It was finally time for Suzy to pass away and the preacher was standing at her casket amd said "it's great! they'll finally be together".
One guy says "I wonder what he means? The first husband? The second husband? Or the 3rd husband?
Little Johnny smiled and said "I think he's taking about her legs"
if it wasn't love, why does my heart ache so much whenever i see her?
I asked myself as i went to order my 3rd big mac
So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...
The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"
She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"
She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"
Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"
Three old ladies at the park
1st lady: I have the BEST son - he calls me once a week!
2nd lady: I have the best son - he gives me flowers every Sunday!
3rd lady: No, I have the best son - he sees a therapist EVERY DAY, and ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!!
I started a 100 subject survey on what shampoo women use...
Only got to the 3rd shower before the police arrested me unfortunately
Guy finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!
1st wish: I want a stable job
2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle
3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies
Genie makes him a bus driver
Three old women were sitting on a park bench when a guy came up and flashed them.
The 1st had a stroke
The 2nd also had a stroke
The 3rd, being the weaker and feebler of the three, couldn't reach that far.
I love talking to kids
Adults never ask me what my 3rd favorite reptile is.
If the world is 3rd from sun
Doesn't that make America a 3rd world country too??
3rd grade math
If you have 7 apples in one hand, and 5 in the other, what do you have?
-Really large hands.
I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...
Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.
Why did hitler fail his drivers ed?
He used his turn signals on the two left turns but failed at the 3rd reich
Caller: Hello, 911, my friend collapsed, we need an ambulance. 911: What is your location?
Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix
911: Can you spell that?
Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.
What Covid-19 has taught me....
America is a 3rd world country wearing a Gucci belt.
Personally, I don't get why people complain about American Healthcare
It ranked 3rd in North America
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my latina mother-in-law
Her address is 1837 3rd St, LA 90023, blue house. She gets off work at 6.
Old men and their bathroom problems (Long)
Three men are sitting around the table at their nursing home talking about bathroom issues because of age. The first guy says.
"At 6 every morning I try and shit. But I am so constipated it takes an hour." The second man speaks up.
"Every morning at 7 I try and piss. But it is slow and just drips out." The 3rd man says.
"I have you both beat. Every Morning at 6 I take a huge crap. must be a pound of turns there. Then at 7 I piss heavy. must be a gallon of piss." The other two men look confused.
"Why is that bad."
"I dont get out of bed until 9."
Who won the first Tour de France?
The 3rd German Tank Division.
COOL HUSBAND :D :P :)
Husband & wife went to Jerusalem. Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man:"........ I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest:" Why the costly option?"
Man: " Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day. I CAN'T TAKE THE RISK" !!!
The 3rd child asked her mother
Did you want a daughter or a son when I was born?
Mom angrily:
I wanted neither.
I just wanted a towel from your father while having bath!
Coffee drinking trio
3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.
1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.
2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.
3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.
Appointing a class monitor..
*Teacher*: What do you do after school?
*1st Student*: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
*2nd Student*: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
*3rd Student*: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
*4th Student*: I always stay at home and do my homework.
*Teacher:* You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
*4th Student*: Yakobo
*Teacher*: Satan!
I can do anything better than you
Three Vampires trying to outdo one another. The first went away, come back with blood trickling out the side of his mouth. "I killed the whole family. The 2nd one went and comeback with even more blood. I killed the whole town. 3rd one goes away. Comes back, his whole body is saturated with blood. Wow look at you.
He goes, "You see those bunch of trees down there".
They goΒ "Yes".
He goes "Well I fucken didn't".
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar! (From a 3rd grader at dismissal yesterday!)
Kool-Aid Man breaks through wall.
"Oh ya!"
[breaks 2nd wall]
"Oh ya!"
[3rd wall]
"OHHH YEAAHH!"
[breaks 4th wall]
*Winks at camera*
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the 3rd 9th puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working 3rd tenth piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
