3am Jokes

Following is our collection of bloody puns and 2am one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including 3am jokes for adults, dirty alcoholics jokes and clean house dad gags for kids.

The Best 3am Puns

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Tom answered A round of drinks!"

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems

The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear...

Unless it's 3am

And you're home alone

And you don't have a baby...

To the women who keeps waking me up at 3AM by pounding on my door:

I'm not letting you out.


My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

Help! I need a push!

A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!

Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a 'quarter of 12'.

My deaf-mute postman has such a tough job. He starts work at 3am. In summer he gets attacked by dogs and in winter he has to brave through sub-zero temperatures. But in spite of all this....

I've never heard him complain

There's nothing quite as enjoyable as the sound of a child's laughter

unless of course it's 3am and you don't have kids

So a neighbor knocked on my door at 3am. *3am*

Luckily I was already playing the bagpipes


I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

I don't know which is scarier....

A clown who rummages through the garbage cans at 3am or my neighbor who watches me doing it.

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

What's the most useless thing on a woman?

A drunken Irishmen at 3am.

[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.

My neighbour came banging on my door at 3am last night.

I couldn't believe such outrageous behaviour.






Luckily, I was up practicing on my drum kit at the time so I wasn't too startled by him.

That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you're still awake because you're drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

Tea is an Evil Substance

Tea is an evil substance, more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night, when I drank 14 beer till 3AM at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home. You should have seen how angry and violent when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me all night and even in the morning. Please Ladies, don't drink tea!

A mathematician is going out to meet his friends...

so he tells his wife he'll be home at a quarter of 12.

When he stumbles in at 3am, his wife is furious.

"Why are you so angry?" He asks, "I told you exactly when I'd be home."


Recently my neighbours next door kept banging on the wall non-stop at 3am....

No choice but I had to call the police... it was so loud I almost couldn't hear my music playing.

Last night at 3AM my neighbour rang...

I was so startled that I almost dropped my drill.

My next door neighbour banged on my door at 3am last night

Not sure how he got out of my basement but I'm glad the front door was locked

Donald Trump is asleep at the White House...

The phone rings about 3am. He rolls over and answers it, "it's the middle of the night, this better be important!"

"Donald? It's Hillary. Ruth Bader Ginsburg just died and I want to take her place."

Trump: "It's fine with me, as long as it's fine with the mortician."

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and your doorbell ringing at 3am?

It's your dad.

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

My partner kissed me at 3am when I was looking at memes on my phone.

I told them, "we're kissing in the memelight" now. They're mad.

My neighbours love my 3am bagpipe practice

They even throw bricks through my window so they can hear it better

There is an abundance of polish jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 27 funniest jokes and 3am puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any 4am witze you can hear about 3am.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes