30 Seconds Jokes

124 30 seconds jokes and hilarious 30 seconds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 30 seconds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest 30 Seconds Short Jokes

Short 30 seconds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 30 seconds humour may include short thirty seconds jokes also.

  1. Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
  2. I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
  3. If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time.. ... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.
  4. My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
  5. I had a fish that could break dance on the floor... But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.
  6. I was part of a group project With my wife.
    I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.
  7. Fun fact: Did you know that a shoal of piranhas can devour a small child in 30 seconds? Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today. :/
  8. I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party. It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.
  9. Two deer walk out of a gay bar The first deer says to the other
    "That place was so expensive"
    The second one responds
    "Yea, I can't believe I blew 30 bucks in there"
  10. Did you know that a school of piranha can devour a whole 3-year old child in under 30 seconds? On another subject, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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30 Seconds One Liners

Which 30 seconds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 30 seconds? I can suggest the ones about 90 seconds and 30 cent.

  1. I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
  2. Who came first? The man or the woman? The man, after about 30 seconds.
  3. Reddit is like a fridge You close it then open it 30 seconds later
  4. How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera? Stare at it for 30 seconds
  5. I like my women like I like my hot tubs So hot I can only stay in them for 30 seconds
  6. A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City He is starting to get really fed up.
  7. 2016 is like... A 30 second ad on YouTube that you can't skip
  8. How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds? Please wait...
  9. What is Elon Musks favourite band? 30 Seconds to Mars
  10. Why is AI the future of firefighting? Humans can only see 30 flames per second
  11. Why are guys like microwavable meals?
    They’re both done in 30 seconds.
  12. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  13. How do you get over trophobia? Look at the hole photo for 30 seconds straight
  14. Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today Thankyou daylight savings
  15. Thanks to Day Light Savings.... ....I've m**... for an hour and 30 seconds.

Uplifting 30 Seconds Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about 30 seconds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 10 seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 30 seconds pranks.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.

First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him s**... in 30 seconds.

Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

I had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds last night!

Thanks daylight savings!
(I saw this joke a few weeks ago, today is the perfect day for it!)

How's your s**... life?

3 women are having a conversation about their s**... lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house s**...' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom s**...' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway s**...'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

Big Pause

A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"
The bear says, "I'll have a r**... and..."
He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Coke."
The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"

The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

An Odd f**......

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."
So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"
The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.
The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.
The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,
"Bring. Posse."

Then did you jump?

A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you into a C130 and you take off in a very fast and violent climb"
"sounds scary. So then did you jump?"
"No dad, not yet. After that ascent the jumpmaster yells 10 minutes!"
"and then you jumped?"
"not yet dad. After that we all stood up and hooked up our chutes"
"did you jump then?"
"not yet dad. After that the jumpmaster yells 30 seconds and that's when you stand in the door"
"then you jumped?!"
"no dad, after that the jumpmaster yells green light go!"
"and then you jumped!"
"nope, not yet. I froze in the door. The jumpmaster looks at me and says, 'if you don't jump out that door I'm going to shove this baseball bat up your a**...!'
"then you jumped?!"
"well, a little at first."

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"

"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.
"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...

The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"

A guy meets an old friend in the street

**Guy:** Hi ! It's been what... 30 years ?? How are you ? What happened in your life during all this time ?
**Old friend:** Well, I've been married four times, but all my wives died...
**Guy:** Oh my god, that's terrible ! Sorry to hear that. What happened to the first one ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Aww that's so sad. What happened to the second ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Again ! What happened to the third ?
**Old friend:** Poisonous mushrooms...
**Guy:** Are you kidding me ?
**Old friend:** I swear I'm not.
**Guy:** Ok, what happened to the fourth ?
**Old friend:** She got punched in the head, with a baseball bat.
**Guy:** Whaaaat ? Why ?
**Old friend:** She didn't want to eat her poisonous mushrooms...

NCAA poetry contest was last night.

It got down to two finalists. A rich law student from Duke and r**... from Texas A&M. For the final round the contestants got five minutes to come up with a four line poem that uses the word "Timbuktu." After about a minute and a half the rich fella from Duke stands up and says:
Out upon the dusty sand
Traveled the roaming caravan
Camel and man traveling two by two
Destination Timbuktu
The crowd went wild. Everyone was wondering if the r**... would be able to top that. About 30 seconds before his time ran out the r**... hit the clock, eased up out of his seat, and said:
Tim and me a-hunting went
came upon three w**... in a pop up tent
They were three and we but two
So I buck one and Tim buck two
...The r**... won.

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

Spike from the Land Before Time movies is the best character ever!

Literally in the first 30 seconds after hatching he yawns, eats an entire bush, and takes a nap, he's like me on valentines day.

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,
"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

An accountant goes to the doctor...

An accountant knocks on the door of his doctor's surgery and walks in.
"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that he turns around and walks out.
30 seconds later he is back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."
The Doctor looks up from his desk and says:
>"Mmm. I think you have a serious case of double entry."

What do Disney World & you're girlfriend have in common?

They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride.

It's the first day of high school...

...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

So the other day I'm at my routinely checkup.

The doctor tells me to pull down my pants so he can examine my g**..., so I do that. He takes a look, and after about 30 seconds he says to me, "you have to stop m**...." I ask, "what, why?" to which he replies "because we're in the middle of a checkup!"

s**... amnesia

Being new parents my wife and usually have our s**... times while extremely tired. This results in one or more parties not fully remembering the previous nights events. So here is the conversation I had with my wife today.
W - do you remember having s**... last night?
M - only the last 30 seconds or so
W - you remember the whole thing then...
I laughed so hard I couldn't even be mad.

I hate listening to music during s**......

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"
Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"
"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"
"I didn't!"

i imagine having s**... with bill cosby is alot like a Ronda rousey fight.

it's terrifying, some poor girl ends up being unconscious, and it only lasts about 30 seconds

Three blondes get stuck in an elevator

They start panicking and one of the blonde screams "HELP!"...after 30 seconds the second blonde screams "HELP!". Then the third blonde screams "HELP!". Suddenly,one of the blondes speaks up "Hey,what if we scream simultaneously?". Then one of the blonde screams "Simultaneously!"

Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and n**... have in common?

They can both s**... a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.

I lasted 1 hour and 30 seconds while having s**... last night...

Thank you daylight savings!

As a large adult male I think I could probably last at least 30 seconds with Rhonda Rousey

But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Did you know NASA 30 years ago made a new space drink?

Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't
get 7-UP.

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

Three men are standing at the edge of the roof on a tall sky scraper...

There is a strong wind blowing up the side of the building from below.
o**... says, "This wind is so strong, it will bow you right back up if you happen to fall off, watch!" He steps off the edge and falls about 30 feet before spreading his arms and legs out to catch the air. He slows, then rises back up to land gently on the roof again.
The second guy says "That's awesome, I'm going to try". He steps off the roof and falls 120 stories to his death.
Third guy says "Superman, you are a mean drunk".

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

With 30 seconds remaining, the chef would use up the rest of the seasoning.

He ran out of thyme.

Last night I had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds.

I love when daylight savings time ends!

A mathematician and engineer agreed to take part in an experiment

they were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful n**... women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". to which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

I was having s**... early last night because my wife wanted to watch a movie. Best 3 minutes of 2016...

The movie that is, s**... was still 30 seconds.

Inbox Zero is like s**...:

It feels great but only lasts 30 seconds

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"

I can have s**... with my girlfriend for 1 hour and 30 seconds...

Thanks daylight savings!
(Idk if this has been posted here before :p)

3 Vegan Crossfitters walk into a bar

I only knew because they all told me within 30 seconds

I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

My first time riding my bike was like losing my virginity....

It was good for about 30 seconds, then it got pretty messy and there was a lot of crying on my part.

What's the difference between meal prepping and eating left overs?

About 30 seconds that it takes to post a picture of it on Facebook

Why should you use a robot if you're gonna dump old pictures into the ocean?

Humans can only sea 30 frames per second

Speed dating is pointless.

30 seconds aren't long enough to explain the benefits of functional programming in Haskell.

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.

Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

I was going to make a s**... playlist for my wife and I last night.

Unfortunately, iTunes doesn't allow you to add the 30-second song preview to a playlist.

On the 11th of March I had the longest s**... of my life, 1 hour and 30 seconds.

Thank god for Daylight Saving Time

A Muslim walks into a bar

and orders a bacon sandwich and a beer.
"Isn't that forbidden in your religion?" the bartender asks.
"Yes, but my sins will be forgiven in... 9 minutes.. and 30 seconds."

Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.

2 Blondes during power outage...

The first says: "I was just leaving home and was stuck in an elevator for 30 minutes..."
The second one replies: " That's nothing, I was at the mall and was stuck on the escalator for 2 whole hours!"

How tough are you?

I can resist an itch for 30 seconds
Thank you thank you very much *bows

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

Well that was quick

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds! Good, replied his wife. Now you know how I always feel.

In a Korean McDonald's

One chicken burger please."
"Sir do you want me to v**...?"
"Sir, I v**...?"
(30 second pause)
"Oh yeah please warm it."