Uplifting 30 Seconds Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today
Thankyou daylight savings
They say that during s**... you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.
Who the h**... runs eight miles in 30 seconds?
I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...
the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."
They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...
The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"
Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.
The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.
Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all his money on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Sean, the Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
*My grandfather told me this one as a kid so I hope you enjoyed!*
Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...
"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.
"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
"Ok, so what about the third body?"
"Ah!" says the coroner. "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is *he* smiling then?"
"He thought he was having his picture taken."
American scientists made a clocks ...
that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."
I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.
I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.
I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"
You can explore 30 seconds reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 30 seconds dad jokes. There are also 30 seconds puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Mailman's last day on the job.
After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"
3 men in a nursing home are sitting and reminiscing.
First man says, I wish I could just go pee as easily when I was younger. It's getting harder and harder to do so as the years pass.
The second guy says, I can pee just fine but I would give anything to be able to p**... with no trouble. It's getting more difficult even with fruits and veggies.
Last guy says, Oh, I have no problem with that. Every morning at 8:00 I just go like the Nile. Then at 8:30 I c**... till everything's out. Now if only I could wake up before 9:00.
An Odd f**......
A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.
Tour guide in the mountain
A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."
Three blondes get stuck in an elevator
They start panicking and one of the blonde screams "HELP!"...after 30 seconds the second blonde screams "HELP!". Then the third blonde screams "HELP!". Suddenly,one of the blondes speaks up "Hey,what if we scream simultaneously?". Then one of the blonde screams "Simultaneously!"
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...
The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
I hate listening to music during s**......
There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"
"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.
"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."
If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time..
... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.
My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished
Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest
The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."
Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and n**... have in common?
They can both s**... a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.
How's your s**... life?
3 women are having a conversation about their s**... lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house s**...' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom s**...' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway s**...'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"
Who came first? The man or the woman?
The man, after about 30 seconds.
Big Pause
A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar.
The bartender says, "What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"
The bear says, "I'll have a r**... and..."
He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, "Coke."
The bartender says "OK. But what's with the big pause?"
The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says "I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'
I had a fish that could break dance on the floor...
But only for like 30 seconds...and only once.
Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.
Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.
Reddit is like a fridge
You close it then open it 30 seconds later
An alien drops by the White House and exclaims: "take me to your leader". The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.....
"Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!" calls a Senator.
"You are right!" responds the alien.
"See you on Thursday!"
I was part of a group project
With my wife.
I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.
Fun fact: Did you know that a shoal of piranhas can devour a small child in 30 seconds?
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today. :/
