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30 Seconds Jokes

124 30 seconds jokes and hilarious 30 seconds puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 30 seconds that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest 30 Seconds Short Jokes

Short 30 seconds jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 30 seconds humour may include short thirty seconds jokes also.

  1. I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot af, overpriced and all over me within 30 seconds of getting in the car.
  2. If you think 30 seconds isn't a significant period of time.. ... try hesitating for 30 seconds when your wife asks you if she looks fat in that dress.
  3. My one night stand said I'm a lousy lover after we finished Asked her how can she tell after 30 seconds?
  4. I was part of a group project With my wife.
    I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.
  5. I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party. It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.
  6. As a large adult male I think I could probably last at least 30 seconds with Rhonda Rousey But probably less than 10 seconds in a fight against her.
  7. A Muslim walks into a bar and orders a bacon sandwich and a beer.
    "Isn't that forbidden in your religion?" the bartender asks.
    "Yes, but my sins will be forgiven in... 9 minutes.. and 30 seconds."
  8. What do Disney World & you're girlfriend have in common? They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride.
  9. Speed dating is pointless. 30 seconds aren't long enough to explain the benefits of functional programming in Haskell.
  10. 3 Vegan Crossfitters walk into a bar I only knew because they all told me within 30 seconds

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30 Seconds One Liners

Which 30 seconds one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 30 seconds? I can suggest the ones about 90 seconds and 30 cent.

  1. I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday. I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.
  2. Who came first? The man or the woman? The man, after about 30 seconds.
  3. Reddit is like a fridge You close it then open it 30 seconds later
  4. How do you take a picture of an eclipse without a camera? Stare at it for 30 seconds
  5. I like my women like I like my hot tubs So hot I can only stay in them for 30 seconds
  6. A man gets mugged every 30 seconds in New York City He is starting to get really fed up.
  7. 2016 is like... A 30 second ad on YouTube that you can't skip
  8. How do you make someone stare at a screen for 30 seconds? Please wait...
  9. What is Elon Musks favourite band? 30 Seconds to Mars
  10. Why is AI the future of firefighting? Humans can only see 30 flames per second
  11. Why are guys like microwavable meals?
    They’re both done in 30 seconds.
  12. Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
  13. How do you get over trophobia? Look at the hole photo for 30 seconds straight
  14. Had s**... for an hour and 30 seconds today Thankyou daylight savings
  15. Thanks to Day Light Savings.... ....I've m**... for an hour and 30 seconds.

Uplifting 30 Seconds Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about 30 seconds you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 10 seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 30 seconds pranks.

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom.
The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" replies the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again." So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie." "No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles, and don't ask about my day."

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.


The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the r**... from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.

One day a blonde woman entered an autobody shop claiming that she’d suffered extensive damage to her new car.
The mechanic thought he’d have some fun with her so he told her that she didn’t need him to fixed all the dents.
He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could and they’d all pop out.
The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway.
She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.
After hearing the whole story the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, “Hello! The windows are down. Your personal check for the full $30,000.”

First Kangaroo: If you were surrounded by 30 lions, 25 elephants and 10 hippos, how would you get away from them?
Second Kangaroo: Step off the merry-go-round.

Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

30 seconds left on the microwave. Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone. Men: do the space shuttle countdown.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him s**... in 30 seconds.

Good morning to everyone except people who call to make sure you got their email (like 30 seconds after you got it).

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How's your s**... life?

3 women are having a conversation about their s**... lives. The first woman has been married 1 year. "My husband and I have 'house s**...' because we do it anywhere in the house, any time." The second woman has been married 10 years. "We have 'bedroom s**...' which is only in the bedroom after the kids have gone to sleep." The third woman has been married 30 years. "My husband and I have 'hallway s**...'... We pass each other in the hallway and say 'screw you!'"

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell a lie, the second hand moves once." She is amazed at this and goes looking.
She finds Mother Theresa's clock and notices it's moved three times. George Washington's clock hasn't moved at all. She's somewhat ashamed that her own is showing it's 18:30.
She begins hunting furiously, unable to find a specific one, however. Finally she gives up. "Where is Mitt Romney's clock!?"
"In Jesus's office. He uses it for a ceiling fan."

The Jewish Samurai [Long]

The Emperor of Japan loses his most trusted bodyguard, and sends out a proclamation to the whole empire: Bring forth the best samurai to show their skills, so that they may guard my life.
Three samurai enter the throne room: A samurai from Edo, A samurai from osaka, and a jew.
The first samurai bows to the emperor, then opens up a matchbox. A single fly comes out, and flies up. The samurai swings his sword once, and the fly drops dead in two pieces. The emperor is impressed.
The second samurai bows, opens a matchbox, and a fly comes out. His sword swings twice, and the fly drops dead in four pieces. The emperor stands and claps, even more impressed.
The jew comes up, bows before the emperor, and opens a matchbox. A fly comes out, the jew puts on his glasses, then proceeds to chase the fly around the throne room, swinging wildly. After about 30 swings, the jew re-sheathes his sword, and the fly flies away. The emperor is confused, and asks: "Why is the fly not dead?"
The jew's response? "Circumcision isn't meant to kill."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The Bravest Football Fan

Three football fans, an Arsenal fan, a Chelsea fan, and a Manchester United fan, are caught gambling in a country in which gambling is i**.... They are brought before a judge and sentenced to be whipped 50 times each. Right before the judge releases the men, he tells them they each can have one request. When brought before the torturer, the Arsenal fan requests to have 3 pillows strapped to his back. After 15 hits, the pillows are completely gone, leaving the man with 35 more unprotected hits. The Chelsea fan requests to have 6 pillows strapped to his back. After 30 hits, the pillows are in shreds and he endures 20 more hits. The torturer takes a look at the Manchester United fan and says "You look like a brave man, I have decided to take mercy on you and give you an extra wish". Upon hearing this, the Manchester United fan smile and asks for four times as many hits. The torturer looks at him in awe and says "I was right, you are a brave man, now what is your second wish?". The Mabchester United fan smirks and says "I' like a Chelsea fan strapped to my back."

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth....

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth. They both want control of the earth, so they come up with this plan. They will have a dog fight in five years; what ever country wins this dog fight gets control of the earth. So the Russians ,having control of Europe, take the biggest, meanest Siberian wolfs and German shepards and breed them over and over until they get the perfect batch of pups. Then they train them make them mean and then breed them using new enhancement technologies. This goes on and on until the event comes then they pick they're biggest, meanest, and strongest pup at prime age. They go to the event and U.S. shows up with this 30ft long Doxen Terrier. The match begins and this Doxen just rips the Russians dog into pieces. The Russians are dumbfounded they can't figure out how this happened. So they go ask the head U.S. dog official "How did you beat us? We spent 5 years training the biggest meanest dogs we could find and our most advanced using enhancement technologies. Then we come here and your dog rips ours apart in no more than 30 seconds. The U.S. official laughs and says "Thats funny we spent 2 and a half years using our best plastic surgeons trying to get a crocodile to look like a dog!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Mailman's last day on the job.

After 30 years, mailman George decides to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.
When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a $50 gift envelope.
At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars.
At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she blows his mind with the most passionate s**... he has ever experienced.
When done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a giant breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' But breakfast was my idea!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

An Odd f**......

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual f**... procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is a line of 100 more men, walking just as slowly.
His curiosity gets the better of him and he approaches the man with the dog as they pass, falling into step beside him.
"This may not be the best time..." he begins "but I've never seen a f**... like this, so I need to ask what's going on. Who's in the first hearse?"
"My wife" says the man with the dog, mournfully. "She yelled at me, so Rover attacked and killed her." As if it feels guilty, the dog lowers its head and tail at the mention of his name.
"Oh.. oh my. I'm so sorry for your loss." Says the second guy. He walks alongside in respectful silence for a while before, once more, curiosity gets the better of him. "So whose in the second hearse?"
"My mother-in-law." comes the reply. "She tried to help my wife, so Rover killed her too."
"Oh my god, that's awful!" says the other guy, and walks alongside in respectful silence for a moment more. Eventually, he looks up and says "I don't suppose I could borrow your dog, could I?"
"Get in line." answers the guy.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Then did you jump?

A young soldier finally got his first jump in at Airborne school. The young man proudly calls home from Ft Benning to tell his dad all about it.
"hey dad, I finally got my first jump!"
"awesome, tell me all about it" said the enthusiastic father.
"well pop, first they load all of you into a C130 and you take off in a very fast and violent climb"
"sounds scary. So then did you jump?"
"No dad, not yet. After that ascent the jumpmaster yells 10 minutes!"
"and then you jumped?"
"not yet dad. After that we all stood up and hooked up our chutes"
"did you jump then?"
"not yet dad. After that the jumpmaster yells 30 seconds and that's when you stand in the door"
"then you jumped?!"
"no dad, after that the jumpmaster yells green light go!"
"and then you jumped!"
"nope, not yet. I froze in the door. The jumpmaster looks at me and says, 'if you don't jump out that door I'm going to shove this baseball bat up your a**...!'
"then you jumped?!"
"well, a little at first."

The big sale.

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper)were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

As we stripped off jumping into the bed I said to my boyfriend, "Can you give me a minute?"


"Why? Want to freshen up?" He asked.
"No," I replied. "Its just that last time you only gave me 30 seconds."

American scientists made a clocks ...

that goes forward a second if someone swears near it.
So for testing they put them in army barracks of England, France and Russia. After a while they go and check on clocks.
In England clock is 2 second forward. In France clock is 30 seconds forward. They now visit Russia and see that clock is missing.
They ask nearby solider :"What happened to the clock?".
Solider replies : "We didn't need that fan in here."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

NCAA poetry contest was last night.

It got down to two finalists. A rich law student from Duke and r**... from Texas A&M. For the final round the contestants got five minutes to come up with a four line poem that uses the word "Timbuktu." After about a minute and a half the rich fella from Duke stands up and says:
Out upon the dusty sand
Traveled the roaming caravan
Camel and man traveling two by two
Destination Timbuktu
The crowd went wild. Everyone was wondering if the r**... would be able to top that. About 30 seconds before his time ran out the r**... hit the clock, eased up out of his seat, and said:
Tim and me a-hunting went
came upon three w**... in a pop up tent
They were three and we but two
So I buck one and Tim buck two
...The r**... won.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

pint of guiness

On my last trip home I found myself in a pub in Edinburgh.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Scots think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 pounds that no-one hear can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." 
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Scot leaving, no-one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Scot returned and said "Hey y**..., is your wee bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "30 pints in 30 minutes for 5,000 pounds."
"Aye" replied the Scot, "pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with seconds to spare.
"Ok y**..., pay up." said the Scot
"I'm happy to pay, here is your money" said the American.
"But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
The Scot replied, "Well sir, 5,000 pounds is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it."

Spike from the Land Before Time movies is the best character ever!

Literally in the first 30 seconds after hatching he yawns, eats an entire bush, and takes a nap, he's like me on valentines day.

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"
The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,
"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."
He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.
She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.
"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

3 Vampires join a blood-s**... competition..

Whoever is able to drink the most blood in the fastest time, would be declared the winner.
The 1st Vampire runs down the hill and comes back a minute afterwards. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that village over there? I drank all of the people blood there!"
The 2nd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in 30 seconds. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that farm over there? I drank all of the animals and humans blood there!"
The 3rd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in less than 5 seconds! His face is covered in blood and he seems out of breath. The other 2 vampires are shocked with this view. The 3rd Vampire said: "You see that telephone post?? I didn't...."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A baby

A women is in the final stages of giving birth, and with one last push she hears the babies cries as the doctor holds it in his arms out of view. The doctor tells her there's a problem and rushes the baby out of the room. After 5 or 10 minutes the women is hysterical with worry for her child. The doctor eventually comes back and stands at the bottom of her bed an says
"Well, There's good new and bad news."
The women, now very worried asks for the bad news first
"Unfortunately, your baby is ginger."
Offended and somewhat relived the women begins a tirade of a**... aimed at the doctor, calling every name under the sun. After 30 seconds of a**... she remembers the good news, and promptly asks him for it.
"It's dead."

An accountant goes to the doctor...

An accountant knocks on the door of his doctor's surgery and walks in.
"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that he turns around and walks out.
----
30 seconds later he is back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."
The Doctor looks up from his desk and says:
>"Mmm. I think you have a serious case of double entry."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson Go Camping...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of red, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful friend and said, "Watson, I want you to look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"
After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"

It's the first day of high school...

...and the principal is giving an orientation to the freshmen class. He says "Welcome to high school! We have a few rules we must go over. First, men will use the men's locker room, and women will use the women's locker room. If anyone is caught in the other gender's locker room, it is a $20 dollar fine for a first offense, $30 for a second offense, $40 for a third, and so on. Any questions?"
A kid in the back stands up and asks "How much for a season pass?"

Tour guide in the mountain

A guide was leading a group of people on a hike through some mountains. He pointed at a fairly majestic looking peak and said "This one is most popular with mountain climbers. Most days you have a few teams doing a climb. The ascent, depending on your skill level can take between two and five hours. The descent, again depending on your skill level, takes anywhere between 4 hours and 30 seconds."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A man tries to introduce his friend to a woman.

A man and his friend walk into a bar, order a drink and walk out onto the patio out front. While they conversate a woman walks up the stairs and into the bar, she is absolutly stunning.the friend can only stare in complete awe. The man tells the friend
"Hey i know that girl i saw her at the poetry club the other day. You should go over there and tell her a limrick maby she will think your intellectual."
So the friend walks in only to return 30 seconds late with a red handprint on his face.
" what happend?!" Said the man
" well i walked in and did exactly what you told me to. I Pulled up her skirt and gave her a little rim lick"

What are the similarities between a US handgun and a Feminist?

30 of them are triggered every second

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

They say that every time you have s**... it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's b**... because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... amnesia

Being new parents my wife and usually have our s**... times while extremely tired. This results in one or more parties not fully remembering the previous nights events. So here is the conversation I had with my wife today.
W - do you remember having s**... last night?
M - only the last 30 seconds or so
W - you remember the whole thing then...
I laughed so hard I couldn't even be mad.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I hate listening to music during s**......

There honestly aren't many good 30 second songs out there.

Two vampires...

Two vampires are sitting on a bench. On a given moment, one of them says "I gotta go! Time to get some blood!"
Only 30 seconds later he's back with blood hanging all over his lips and teeth so his friend asks "That was fast! What'd you do?"
"Well, do you see that lamppost over there?"
"Yes...?"
"I didn't!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

i imagine having s**... with bill cosby is alot like a Ronda rousey fight.

it's terrifying, some poor girl ends up being unconscious, and it only lasts about 30 seconds

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Edited from my mistake earlier today: what do paedophiles and n**... have in common?

They can both s**... a Vietnamese orphan in under 30 seconds.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

Did you know NASA 30 years ago made a new space drink?

Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't
get 7-UP.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How many frames per second does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 because that's peasants work.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Three men are standing at the edge of the roof on a tall sky scraper...

There is a strong wind blowing up the side of the building from below.
o**... says, "This wind is so strong, it will bow you right back up if you happen to fall off, watch!" He steps off the edge and falls about 30 feet before spreading his arms and legs out to catch the air. He slows, then rises back up to land gently on the roof again.
The second guy says "That's awesome, I'm going to try". He steps off the roof and falls 120 stories to his death.
Third guy says "Superman, you are a mean drunk".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Throwing Watches

Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

With 30 seconds remaining, the chef would use up the rest of the seasoning.

He ran out of thyme.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

3 Vampires meet in a crossroad

The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".
The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".
The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.
He say "You see that pole over there?"
"Yeah.."
"I didn't"

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A mathematician and engineer agreed to take part in an experiment

they were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful n**... women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". to which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

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I was having s**... early last night because my wife wanted to watch a movie. Best 3 minutes of 2016...

The movie that is, s**... was still 30 seconds.

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Inbox Zero is like s**...:

It feels great but only lasts 30 seconds

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.
I wondered for a second, then I remembered,
"Beggars can't be choosers"

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I can have s**... with my girlfriend for 1 hour and 30 seconds...

Thanks daylight savings!
(Idk if this has been posted here before :p)

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I went to get a prostate exam yesterday...

the doctor told me to get in the fetal position and relax.
"You, know", the doc said after about 30 seconds into the procedure, "it's shouldn't be embarrassing, and it's not uncommon for some men to get an e**... during this procedure."
"I don't have an e**...', I responded.
Doc responded, "Yeah, but I do."

My first time riding my bike was like losing my virginity....

It was good for about 30 seconds, then it got pretty messy and there was a lot of crying on my part.

What's the difference between meal prepping and eating left overs?

About 30 seconds that it takes to post a picture of it on Facebook

Why should you use a robot if you're gonna dump old pictures into the ocean?

Humans can only sea 30 frames per second

The CIA, Mi6, and KGB all meet for a competition [LONG]

Dropped off on a deserted island each team is tasked with the same mission. Go into the jungle and catch a rabbit. Fastest time wins.
The CIA team goes first, within 5 minutes they come out with a rabbit squirming around in hand. As the the other teams seem mildly impressed.
Next, the Mi6 team goes in and within 3 minutes They come out not only with one but 3 rabbits.
Finally the KGB goes in and within 30 seconds you hear this massive scuffle making its way through the jungle guns pointed and yelling and they pull out a massive elephant. As the elephant desperately yells, "I'm a rabbit, I'm rabbit!!!".

Two friends were on a hike through the woods when they found a giant hole in the ground...

They couldn't see a bottom to the hole, so they dropped a rock down to listen for when it hit the bottom. They waited for 30 seconds but never heard the rock. They looked around for something heavier to drop down. After a few minutes of searching around, they found an anvil. They dragged the anvil and dropped it down the hole, when suddenly a goat flew out from the trees and went straight down the hole. The two friends were trying to figure out what had just happened when a farmer approached them and asked if they had seen his goat. When they told him what happened he said:
"That's impossible! It was chained to an anvil!"

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I was going to make a s**... playlist for my wife and I last night.

Unfortunately, iTunes doesn't allow you to add the 30-second song preview to a playlist.

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Three women go out to a nightclub to see male dancers

One of the women wants to impress the others, so she pulls out a $10 bill and waves the dancer over. She licks the $10 bill and sticks it to his left buttock Not to be outdone, the second woman pulls out a $20 bill, licks it, and slaps it on the other cheek. The dancer looks down at the third woman and raises his eyebrows. Thinking for a minute, she reaches into her purse. She pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down the crack, grabs the $30 and goes home

Three old men are sitting on a porch relaxing...

The first old man complains about having trouble moving his bowels.
The second old ma complains about having trouble urinating.
The third old man says, every morning at 7am I relieve myself, then at 7:15 I take a huge dump.
The other two men look at him and say what's wrong with that?
The third old man says, I don't wake up until 7:30.

How tough are you?

I can resist an itch for 30 seconds
Thank you thank you very much *bows

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'
About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.