3 Months Jokes
137 3 months jokes and hilarious 3 months puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 3 months that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 3 Months Short Jokes
Short 3 months jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 3 months humour may include short months jokes also.
- 3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
- I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it But it only took me 5 months to finish it
- Doctor gave me 3 months to live... I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.
- My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie Day
Pie Day's over, get out of my house - I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last. We just don't see eye to eye.
- After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
- We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason
- I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
- I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago I Haven't received it yet..
- I've just had some great news. Financially I am going to be $3. per month better off.
The boy I was sponsoring in Africa has just been eaten by a Lion.
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3 Months One Liners
Which 3 months one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 3 months? I can suggest the ones about 3 inch and 18 months.
- What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
- 1+1=3 It does take about 9 months though
- What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
- 3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.
- Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020! 3 more to go!
- 2016: The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.
- The puzzlebox said 2-4 years.. But I did it in only 3 months.
- what year is it? A time traveller walks up to a bar 3 months ago and says
- Why did the Winter War only last 3 months? The fighters were Russian to Finnish
- Growing tomatoes is great Great way to waste 3 months trying to save $4.15
- Taylor Swift 'Split' with Tom Hiddleston after 3 months of romance. Very swift.
- How long did the first Tour de France last? 3 months. The 3rd Panzerdivision.
- 1+1+9=3, could be 4, if there's 2. How? Answer: 2 people, 9 months, and twins.
- Why doesn't anyone watch women's hockey? The games take 3 months to play!
- One year ago, I tried to do the c**... challenge... I failed, and he's 3 months old.
3 Months Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 3 months you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 3 part jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 3 months pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
Help! I need a push!
A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mothers Day Prank Suggestion
I played this simple and harmless joke on my mum a few years back and the family still laughs about it. Here you go:
Go to the local greenhouse or place that sells plants. Buy a really nice flower p**... (empty) and a bag of potting soil. This is the key, while you are there snag one of the tags from a nice looking flower that has its name, picture and whatnot on it. Make sure its something exotic so she is excited about it. Then fill the empty p**... with potting soil, stick the tag into the empty p**... and put a nice bow on it. When you give it to her say something like "the lady at the greenhouse said this is a really beautiful plant when the bulb grows but be sure to water it daily, it should grow in like 3-5 weeks". Done. Mom thinks she go a nice gift and you get to watch her water a p**... of dirt for at least a month until she decides to dig up the bulb thinking maybe she killed it... At this point I suggest you have an actual gift ready to give to her because I had to make an emergency trip to the greenhouse after being told: DONTCOMEHOMEWITHOUTAGODDAMFLOWERFORME!!!!! or something like that. Dad was still laughing when I got home, and afterwords mom even said it was a pretty good joke.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregant woman of 6 months falls into a coma
.... 3 months later she awkaes and finds out she already had her child. She asks the doctor " How Is my child?" The doctor replies " You had two children, a girl and a boy. Your brother took the ability to name them." "OH NO MY BROTHER IS AN IDIOT!, WHAT DID HE NAME THE GIRL?" "Denis" "oh , well that's not a bad name.. how about the boy?" "denephew"
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot
A 9 month pregnant woman with triplets is waiting in line at the bank when robbers run in and start firing shots. The woman gets shot in the belly 3 times and is taken to the hospital. After the surgery the nurse tells the woman that she will be fine and that her babies are fine too, however, this is an unusual situation where the bullets are in each of her babies and after some years the bullets will come out.
Ten years later, one of her daughters comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," replied the daughter. The woman remembers what the nurse had told her years ago so she tells her daughter, "Its okay Christy. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her second daughter comes crying to her. She asks, "whats wrong sweety?" "Mommy, I was peeing and a bullet came out," she says. The woman again calms down her daugher, "Its okay Jenny. It happens."
A couple weeks later, her son comes crying to her. She asks, "what is it Johnny? Did you pee and a bullet came out?" Johnny says, "no. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!"
Good and bad news.
So there was a couple who had 3 kids. All three were horribly disfigured, but the couple decided to give it one last shot at a healthy baby. So, 9 months later, the husband is sitting in the waiting room waiting to hear the news. Soon, the doctor comes out with the baby wrapped in a blanket.
The husband says, "So how is he?"
The doctor says, "Well, I've got some good news and bad news"
"Oh god, tell me the good news first!"
So the doctor pulled back the blanket and the husband saw that his child was just one big eyeball.
The husband cries, "Oh god this is horrible! What could possibly be the bad news?!"
The doctor replies, "He's blind!!"
A guy walks into a bar and orders 15 shots...
He proceeds to drink them in 15 minutes and then leave. He returns the next night and repeats the procedure, 15 shots in 15 minutes. This goes on for 3 solid months. It gets to the point that the bartender starts setting up the 15 drinks before the guy even arrives.
One night, the guy walks in as the bartender is preparing his order and waves away the 15 shots. "What's the matter," asks the bartender, "You're one of the best drinkers I've ever seen"
The man replies, "It's just that I got a little too drunk last night I went home and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "So what, everyone gets sick now and again."
The guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish woman is 3 months pregnant...
She gets into a car accident and falls into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are grand. Luckily your brother named them!"
"Oh no, not my brother, he's a feckin eejit!" she says.
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
"That's not so bad, what's the boy's name?" she asks the doctor.
"Denephew."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...
Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.
13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.
Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was m**... and I accidentally shot the dog."
Did you hear about the blonde that...
Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"
Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.
When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".
Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.
After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Logic of a Beer Drinker
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your f**...' Ferrari?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER
Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your f**...' Ferrari?
Spaghetti.
A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident.
Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and have the baby there.
The woman agreed, but she asked how the man would know when the baby was born. He told the woman to send a postcard with just the word "Spaghetti" when the baby was born and he would make sure to start sending money.
9 months go by and the mans wife comes inside and mentions a very strange postcard from Italy came in the mail for him and hands it to him.
The man reads the postcard and faints.
His worried wife picks up the postcard which reads "5x Spaghetti, 3 with meatballs and 2 plain. Send extra sauce."
(My apologies for any erroneous spelling and/or grammar.)
Two different doctors
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The FIRST patient is examined by his regular doctor within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The SECOND sees his regular doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy really loved beans...
...so much that he had to stop eating them because they gave him horrible gas. After a couple of months, he went out to eat and decided to cave in just this one time since he'd been doing so well. He ended up eating 3 bowls of beans before his girlfriend called to make dinner plans. He knew he was going to be gassy, but he figured he could work it out. So that night, he goes over to his girlfriend's house. When he gets there, she tells him that she has a surprise for him but wants to blindfold him. She does, and leads him through the house and to the dining room table. She says she'll be right back, and he hears her leave. After just a few seconds, he gets a familiar rumble in his stomach. The urge to f**... is so great, but knowing his girlfriend is not in the room, he leans all the way to one side and lets it rip. Then the smell. He almost gagged himself, it was horrible. He waved his arms trying to dissipate the smell, and it seemed to go away just before his girlfriend came back in. "Ready?" She asked. He nodded, so she took off the blindfold. She yells, "surprise!" All of the other guests just stood there looking horrified.
Quack Quack Quack
Three ducks are in court.
The first duck goes up to the judge.
The judge asks, "What's your name"?
The first duck replies, "Quack"
The judge asks, " What did you do, Quack"?
Quack says, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond".
The judge sentences Quack to 3 months in jail.
The second duck comes up to the judge and the judge asks him his name.
The second duck says, "Quack Quack".
The judge asked, "What did you do, Quack Quack"?
Quack Quack replied, "I got caught blowing bubbles at the pond too".
The judge sentenced Quack Quack to 3 months.
The third duck goes up to the judge and judge says, "Let me guess, your name is Quack Quack Quack"
The third duck replies, "No, my name is Bubbles".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys and one girl are stranded on a deserted island
To avoid agruments and fights, the guys agree each can have the girl every other week. They are basicly taking turns on having s**... with her.
This goes on for several months but one day the girl injures her foot.
Her foot barerly heals and several days later she dies of an infection.
For the guys, this was okay for a month.
But it started getting more difficult for them during the second month.
After 3 months it was inpossible for the guys to continue like this
so they decided to stop taking turns, bury her and move on with their lives
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
…correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought
a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
What color is your Ferrari?
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
Male logic!! is it working?
MALE LOGIC
Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per
beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman: And how long have you been
drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3
beers a day,
which puts your spending each
month at $450.
In one year, it would be
approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400,
the past 20 years puts your spending
at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink
so much beer,
you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Puzzle
Guy 1: Dude, I finished so fast at solving the puzzle!
Guy 2: Really? How fast?
Guy 1: 5 months!
Guy 2: Dude, that's slow!
Guy 1: You're a d**...! What do you mean slow!? It says here For 3 years and up!
Ferrari
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
One morning, Harry wakes up..
...and goes downstairs into the kitchen. It's his birthday. It's the third day of the third month and Harry is thirty three years old. He notices that the kitchen clock has broken and stopped at 3:30am. On the radio, the weather announces that the temperature is 33 degrees. Opening the sporting section of his newspaper, he turns to page three; he sees that a horse called 'Triple Treble' is running in the 3.30. He rings up a bookmaker and puts £333 on it to win.
It comes in third.
The average person spends about 6 months of their life waiting at a stop light, 25 years of their life sleeping...
and 3 years of their life waiting on the phone with Comcast.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 1: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one week.
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw your bra straps.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one month.
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: Why are you leaving?
Boy 3: I think my school days are over.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man Periods
I'd hate to meet the girl of my dreams right now, because I, am on my man-period! No, let me explain: a woman would HATE to meet a s**... guy while on her period, because she knows it would mess up the part of her act where she pretends NOT to be berserk.
A man-period, is that special 2 to 3 days a month, when your unstoppable Juggernaut farts register on a seismograph. My last f**... sounded like a tornado went through a bassoon factory. I passed so much gas – Exxon called me up with an extraction lease, and the Department of Defense charted up a contingency plan.
Three children named Petal, Leaf and Fridge were about to have their first day of school...
When the three met the teacher of their new class, the teacher read the new student list and asked which one was petal. When petal put her hand up, the teacher asked, "What inspired your parents to give you such a beautiful name?". Petal explained that ," When I was 3 months old, a petal dropped on my head!". The teacher smiled and asked leaf where his name came from. Leaf said, " When I was 2 months old, a leaf came off a tree and landed on my stomach!" The teacher gave a cheery smile to Leaf too. Then she asked Fridge, "and umm... why did your parents call you Fridge dear? Fridge says "DUHHHHHHH!"
A pregnant mother of triplets is walking down a alley....
The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went tickle and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went tickle and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went tickle and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"
(A very old joke I thought you guys would like)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...
The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went t**... and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went t**... and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went t**... and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American moves to the Scottish Highlands...
An American moves to the Scottish Highlands. After 3 months he gets a knock on his door from one of the local residents.
"So I heard ya just moved here, an' I wanted to tell ya I was throwin' a party. Do ya want to come?"
"Sure," the American replies, "A party would be awesome!"
"But I have ta warn ya, there's gonna be some dancin'!"
"But that sounds great! Why wouldn't I come?!"
"Well, I also have ta warn ya: there'll be some fightin'!"
"Oh, that's no problem! I was a boxing champ in college, it would be great to get back at it!"
"Well, ok then.... But I still have ta warn ya: there'll be rough, dirty s**...!"
"Well, I haven't been with anyone for a long time, so some s**... would actually be pretty enjoyable. But... I have to ask: how should I be dressed?"
"Ah, just come as ya are. It'll be just you and me!"
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
(B) To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 large drafts of beer within a one (1) hour period.
(C) It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects - yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
The Half-Wit
A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."
"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."
"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."
"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.
"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.
My cousin was hospitalized for 3 months after a freak accident at a spaghetti factory..
Unfortunately, he pasta way
A blonde tells her friend
"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish
Every 3 months, I'll text my Dad lyrics from Sia songs. He never texts me back...
...we have a distant relationship, and I like to keep it that way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Kid that is p**... trained by 3 months old?
a w**... kid
Anyone who has a baby is in for a rude awakening.
Every 3-4 hours for the first 6 months or so.
No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..
there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..
My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone.
He died in one month.
British inflation hit a 3 year high last month...
How did they find out about my blow up girlfriend?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother went into a coma after giving birth to twins
When she woke up after 6 months and 3 days, the doctor told the mother: "While you were in a coma, we had your brother name your children. One is a boy, one is a girl."
The mother, with a disappointed and angry look on her face told the doctor: "Why my brother? That guy is an idiot. So what did he name them?"
The mother, expecting hideous names, prepared herself.
"The girl, was named Denise." The mother thought, "Hey that wasn't so bad. What about my boy?"
The doctor said, "Denephew".
Doctor: You have cancer and you only have 7 left. Patient: 7 what? 7 years? 7 months?
Doctor: 6, 5, 4, 3 ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor said I had 3 months to live.
So I killed the doctor so the judge could give me 30 years.
My wife needs to learn when I say I'll do something it will do it!
No need to remind me about it every 3 months...
Jenny hated having periods.
Then she met James.
Now from last 3 months, she is not having periods anymore.
James is a magician.
The postal service created a stamp with a picture of a highly controversial political leader who became president.
The postal service created a stamp with a picture of a highly controversial political leader who became president. The stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, the investigation commission presented the following findings:
1. The stamp is in perfect order.
2. There is nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.
"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"
I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...
Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.
Buddy: No whey!
A man got himself a puzzle game.
It took him 10 hard months to finish it. He was so proud of himself because at the side of the box it said ' 2 to 3 years'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Simple economics
A man travelled to the USA in hopes of bettering his life for him and his family. When he arrived he opened up a furniture shop and a lingere shop.
After 6 months he was doing very well and wrote to his wife:
Dear wife,
Please pack up and come to me in the USA. I have sold 100 matresses and 5000 p**... and have made $100,000
Love your husband
Upon receiving the letter his wife writes back:
Dear husband,
Maybe it is better that you come back home. I have made $3,000,000 with 1 mattress and no p**....
Love your wife
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Business is going well
A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and l**... business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 p**... and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no p**... Ive made 500,000 dollars!'
As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.
As an adult I went to see a therapist.
"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"
"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"
"What will it cost me doc?"
"Well we will have two session every week for 3 months, and every session will be 50 dollar"
"Phew that's a lot doc, I gotta sleep on that"
"Sure, whatever makes you comfortable"
Six months later I ran into that therapist again and he goes.
"Oh you never came back, how's your ailment"
"Oh it's fine, my japanese friend helped me out for free"
"Oh really what did he do?"
"Well he cut off bed's legs"
The doctor said that my friend had 5 months to live
I worked hard with him and proved the doctor wrong. My friend died in 3 days
I bought a gym membership 3 months ago and I haven't lost even 1 pound
I might even go there and check what's taking so long
What are the four seasons called in New England?
Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island
Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have s**... with her every other day so that everyones s**... drive could be fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.
Lady of my dreams
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".
A man was diagnosed with cancer.
Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."
Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.
Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.
Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.
Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?
Kim: I am going to test a nuke.
Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?
Kim: 10.
Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?
Kim: 9.
Puzzling
The blonde was so pleased with herself, she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 3 months! The box said 3\-5 years.