3 Months Jokes
137 3 months jokes and hilarious 3 months puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 3 months that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 3 Months Short Jokes
Short 3 months jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 3 months humour may include short months jokes also.
- "Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet! - Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.
- 3 months since I had COVID and I've still got very little sense of taste. Sometimes I just find myself settling down on the sofa, opening up Netflix and sticking on Friends
- I have a puzzle that has 3-6 years written on it But it only took me 5 months to finish it
- Doctor gave me 3 months to live... I'm so lazy I missed the deadline, that was 4 months ago.
- My Account is 3 Months and 14 Days Old, So It's Not My Cake Day It's my Pie Day
Pie Day's over, get out of my house - I've been dating a cross-eyed woman for 3 months now. But I don't think it's gonna last. We just don't see eye to eye.
- After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up. "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky
- We should have sent the Opportunity rover to Iraq since its original mission was supposed to be 3 months but then it kept going for 14 years for no good reason
- I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but... ...I just finished it in 72 hours.
- The doctor said I had 3 months to live. So I killed the doctor so the judge could give me 30 years.
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3 Months One Liners
Which 3 months one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 3 months? I can suggest the ones about 3 inch and 18 months.
- What's the best part about summer in the U.S.? 3 months of no school shootings.
- 1+1=3 It does take about 9 months though
- What does a woman get every month that lasts 3-5 days? Her husband's salary.
- Did you hear about those 3 guys who stole a Calender? They each got 4 months.
- 3 months ago, Senator McConnell took my rabbit. Mitch better have my bunny.
- Congratulations, you made it through 6 month of 2020! 3 more to go!
- 2016: The year Brock Turner got sentenced to 3 months but America got 4 years.
- The puzzlebox said 2-4 years.. But I did it in only 3 months.
- what year is it? A time traveller walks up to a bar 3 months ago and says
- Why did the Winter War only last 3 months? The fighters were Russian to Finnish
- Growing tomatoes is great Great way to waste 3 months trying to save $4.15
- The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years But I finished it in 18 months
- Taylor Swift 'Split' with Tom Hiddleston after 3 months of romance. Very swift.
- How long did the first Tour de France last? 3 months. The 3rd Panzerdivision.
- 1+1+9=3, could be 4, if there's 2. How? Answer: 2 people, 9 months, and twins.
3 Months Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 3 months you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 3 part jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 3 months pranks.
A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
One blondes finishes a puzzle in three months and she is so happy she tells everyone.
John asks: "Why are you so happy? Three months is a long time" She answers: " Actually it's not. On the box it says 3-5 years."
Help! I need a push!
A man and his wife were awoken at 3am by a pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 in the
morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you!" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
A pregant woman of 6 months falls into a coma
.... 3 months later she awkaes and finds out she already had her child. She asks the doctor " How Is my child?" The doctor replies " You had two children, a girl and a boy. Your brother took the ability to name them." "OH NO MY BROTHER IS AN IDIOT!, WHAT DID HE NAME THE GIRL?" "Denis" "oh , well that's not a bad name.. how about the boy?" "denephew"
God Loves Drunks Too
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.
The half-wit
A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.
The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me,' replied the farmer.
so 3 men and 1 woman stranded on an island...
with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**.... the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. so they have an agreement, saying that each man is allowed to have s**... with the woman for one week until they hand her to the next men. this 'circle of s**...' works pretty well and everyone is happy, until the woman gets ill and dies. the first month was okay for the 3 men. month 2 was getting pretty tough but they kept going. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. finally in month 6 they decided to bury the woman...
20 reasons why chocolate is better than s**...
1. you can *get* chocolate.
2. 'if you love me you'll s**... it' has real meaning with chocolate.
3. chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. you can safely have chocolate while driving.
5. you can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. you can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7. if you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate doesn't mind.
8. two people of the same s**... can have chocolate without being called n**... names.
9. the word 'commitment' doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. you can have chocolate on top of your worktable or desk during working hours without upsetting your coworkers.
11. you can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. you don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. with chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. you can have chocolate any time of the month.
16. good chocolate is easy to find.
17. you can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. you are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. when you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20. with chocolate, size doesn't matter.
SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM
Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."
An Irish woman is 3 months pregnant...
She gets into a car accident and falls into a coma.
After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are grand. Luckily your brother named them!"
"Oh no, not my brother, he's a feckin eejit!" she says.
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
"That's not so bad, what's the boy's name?" she asks the doctor.
"Denephew."
3 kinds of married s**...:
Before I got married, my grandpa pulled me aside and asked me if I knew everything I needed to know about s**.... I told him I did, but he proceeded to educate me on the 3 kinds of s**... I could expect now that I was going to have a wife.
"For the first 6 months to a year, you're going to be having 'Anywhere' s**...," he told me. "That's where you'll do it in the kitchen, in the car, on the couch... anywhere."
"After that, there's a long period of 'Bedroom' s**.... That's where you do it two or three times a month. Always in the bedroom, usually with the lights off. Finally, " he said, "comes 'Hallway' s**...."
"What's that, Pappy?" I said.
"That's where you pass each other in the hall and say, 'Fuck you'."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.
All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"
Dearest John
John receives a phone call.
"Hello," he answers.
The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."
John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."
John: "Oh, yeah, of course! Susan! How are you?"
Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
John: "Say, you ARE a good sport.
Spaghetti.
A man has an affaire with an italian woman, and gets her pregnant by accident.
Because the man didn't want to hurt his reputation or his marriage he made a deal with the woman. He would financially take care of the kid from birth to the baby's 18th birthday if she would move to Italy and have the baby there.
The woman agreed, but she asked how the man would know when the baby was born. He told the woman to send a postcard with just the word "Spaghetti" when the baby was born and he would make sure to start sending money.
9 months go by and the mans wife comes inside and mentions a very strange postcard from Italy came in the mail for him and hands it to him.
The man reads the postcard and faints.
His worried wife picks up the postcard which reads "5x Spaghetti, 3 with meatballs and 2 plain. Send extra sauce."
(My apologies for any erroneous spelling and/or grammar.)
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
Puzzle
Guy 1: Dude, I finished so fast at solving the puzzle!
Guy 2: Really? How fast?
Guy 1: 5 months!
Guy 2: Dude, that's slow!
Guy 1: You're a d**...! What do you mean slow!? It says here For 3 years and up!
Ferrari
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each
month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20
years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have
been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...
6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"
5 blonds walk into a bar...
The group is cheering, smiling, and chanting "3 to 5 years! 3 to 5 years!" After the blondes settle down and order their drinks, the bartender finally asked "What are you all celebrating? What does 3 to 5 years mean?" One blonde got an excited look in their eyes and proudly exclaimed "Well, we bought a puzzle, and on the side it said 3 to 5 years, but it only took us 2 months!"
The average person spends about 6 months of their life waiting at a stop light, 25 years of their life sleeping...
and 3 years of their life waiting on the phone with Comcast.
Teacher and her 3 boy students:
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 1: I saw a strap of your bra.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one week.
Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: Why did you laugh?
Boy 2: I saw your bra straps.
Teacher: You are punished to stay out of school for one month.
Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: Why are you leaving?
Boy 3: I think my school days are over.
Man Periods
I'd hate to meet the girl of my dreams right now, because I, am on my man-period! No, let me explain: a woman would HATE to meet a s**... guy while on her period, because she knows it would mess up the part of her act where she pretends NOT to be berserk.
A man-period, is that special 2 to 3 days a month, when your unstoppable Juggernaut farts register on a seismograph. My last f**... sounded like a tornado went through a bassoon factory. I passed so much gas – Exxon called me up with an extraction lease, and the Department of Defense charted up a contingency plan.
A pregnant mother of three is walking down a alley...
The Mother gets shot 3 times and each bullet gets lodged in each of the babies with no serious damage done to the mother or the babies. Months later the babys are born, two beautiful girls and a boy. One day the one of the little girls goes to the bathroom and comes out and says to the mother "mommy! mommy! Guess what?!" And the mom asks "what?" And the little girl says "I went t**... and the bullet fell out!" And the mother says "wow that's great!" A few hours later the other little girl goes into the bathroom and comes out and says "mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom goes "what, you went t**... and the bullet fell out?" And the girl goes "yeah!" Hours later the little boy runs up the mother and says "Mommy! Mommy! Guess what?" And the mom says "what, You went t**... and the bullet fell out?" And the boy says "No I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!"
An American moves to the Scottish Highlands...
An American moves to the Scottish Highlands. After 3 months he gets a knock on his door from one of the local residents.
"So I heard ya just moved here, an' I wanted to tell ya I was throwin' a party. Do ya want to come?"
"Sure," the American replies, "A party would be awesome!"
"But I have ta warn ya, there's gonna be some dancin'!"
"But that sounds great! Why wouldn't I come?!"
"Well, I also have ta warn ya: there'll be some fightin'!"
"Oh, that's no problem! I was a boxing champ in college, it would be great to get back at it!"
"Well, ok then.... But I still have ta warn ya: there'll be rough, dirty s**...!"
"Well, I haven't been with anyone for a long time, so some s**... would actually be pretty enjoyable. But... I have to ask: how should I be dressed?"
"Ah, just come as ya are. It'll be just you and me!"
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. Fortunately, your brother was there to name them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well, that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...
So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"
A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.
Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....
Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.
Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.
Guy gets a call from his doctor...
Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.
Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes...
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up
Interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years,
You could have now bought a new Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
My cousin was hospitalized for 3 months after a freak accident at a spaghetti factory..
Unfortunately, he pasta way
One year ago, I tried to do the c**... challenge...
I failed, and he's 3 months old.
A blonde tells her friend
"I completed a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"
"No way! How long did it take you?" Replied her friend
"6 months"
"That cannot be a record time!'
" Well the box said from 1 to 3 years"
Sorry for bad English, original was in Spanish
Every 3 months, I'll text my Dad lyrics from Sia songs. He never texts me back...
...we have a distant relationship, and I like to keep it that way.
3 ladies are celebrating in a bar..
3 blondes are celebrating in a bar. The bartender asks the ladies ''what are you celebrating about?'' The blondes reply ''we finished a puzzle in only 6 months even though on the box it said 4-6 years.''
A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines...
A British, an American and a North Korean captain are bragging about their submarines and how long they can stay underwater.
The British captain starts off saying: "Our submarines can stay underwater for 6 months before having to resurface!".
The American replies: "Pff, that's nothing. Our submarines can go for a whole 3 years and never have to come to the surface once!".
At this point the North Korean starts laughing and says: "Oh boys, that's really cute and all, but we launched a submarine in 1968 and it hasn't surfaced yet!".
What do you call a Kid that is p**... trained by 3 months old?
a w**... kid
Anyone who has a baby is in for a rude awakening.
Every 3-4 hours for the first 6 months or so.
No matter who you vote tonight to become our next president..
there is going to be a blonde sitting in the Oval Office in about 3 months..
My father had cancer and he had only 3 months to live. By the end, he ended up surprising everyone.
He died in one month.
British inflation hit a 3 year high last month...
How did they find out about my blow up girlfriend?
I bought a guide on the internet on how to be a thief 3 months ago
I Haven't received it yet..
I love my doctor
He told me I only had 3 months to live.
I said "thanks for letting me know, doc; but I'm sorry, I don't know how I'll be able to pay you."
So he got me six more months.
Doctor: You have cancer and you only have 7 left. Patient: 7 what? 7 years? 7 months?
Doctor: 6, 5, 4, 3 ...
Jokes about a woman's emotions aren't funny
They're only acceptable 3 weeks out of the month, PERIOD
My wife needs to learn when I say I'll do something it will do it!
No need to remind me about it every 3 months...
Doctor: You've got 3 months to live.
Doctor: You've got 3 months to live.
Woman: I'd like a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay. You're ugly too.
Jenny hated having periods.
Then she met James.
Now from last 3 months, she is not having periods anymore.
James is a magician.
A woman has to go to a conference in Italy, so her husband drives her.
"Thanks honey" she says, "what would you like me to bring you back?"
"Oh, um, an Italian girl!" The husband jokingly says.
"I'll see what I can do" the woman says as she walks into the airport waving goodbye.
3 days later the woman returns and her husband greets her at the airport.
"How was your trip? Did you remember to bring my gift?"
"What gift?"
"The Italian girl!"
"Oh, we'll have to wait 9 months to see if it's a boy or girl"
I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...
Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.
Buddy: No whey!
A man got himself a puzzle game.
It took him 10 hard months to finish it. He was so proud of himself because at the side of the box it said ' 2 to 3 years'
Simple economics
A man travelled to the USA in hopes of bettering his life for him and his family. When he arrived he opened up a furniture shop and a lingere shop.
After 6 months he was doing very well and wrote to his wife:
Dear wife,
Please pack up and come to me in the USA. I have sold 100 matresses and 5000 p**... and have made $100,000
Love your husband
Upon receiving the letter his wife writes back:
Dear husband,
Maybe it is better that you come back home. I have made $3,000,000 with 1 mattress and no p**....
Love your wife
Business is going well
A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and l**... business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 p**... and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no p**... Ive made 500,000 dollars!'
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
A woman asked a General in the army the last time he made love to a woman...
submitted 3 months ago by Daniel_Chavez
The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, taken back by this answer said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to s**... and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
The doctor said that my friend had 5 months to live
I worked hard with him and proved the doctor wrong. My friend died in 3 days
I bought a gym membership 3 months ago and I haven't lost even 1 pound
I might even go there and check what's taking so long
What are the four seasons called in New England?
Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.
3 Men and a Woman are stranded on an Island
Like everyone, they try to establish contact to other people at first and they build a shelter.
After about 3 Weeks the Men approach the Woman with a proposal to let one of the 3 have s**... with her every other day so that everyones s**... drive could be fulfilled.
The Woman agrees and they have a great year together. However, shortly after the 14th Month of being stranded, the woman dies.
The first week is tough for the men, but they try to boost eachothers morale.
The second week is almost unbearable.
The third week makes them feel so bad they want to die.
In the fourth week they finally decide that they should bury her corpse.
Lady of my dreams
The wife checked her husband's phone and found these names:
1. The tender one
2. The amazing one
3. Lady of my dreams
She got angry and called the first number to find out that was his mother.
Then she called the second number on which his sister replied .
When she dialed the third number her own phone rang !!!!
She cried until she could cry no more because she had doubted her innocent husband, so she gave him her whole month's paycheck to make up for her doubts and mistrust.
Once his mother came to know of the story, she sold all her jewelery and gave him the money as well.
Husband took the money and bought a gift for his mistress who listed under "Plumber John".
A doctor tells a man he only has 5 to live...
In a panic the man asks 'five what?! Months? Weeks? Years??'
The doctor looks at his watch. '4... 3... 2...'
A man was diagnosed with cancer.
Man: "Wow, Doc, how bad is it?"
Doctor: "Well, you're at the extreme end of stage 4 pancreatic cancer. You've only got about 3 months to live."
Man: "Oh no! Is there anything I can do?"
Doctor: "Well, I'd suggest moving to Arkansas and becoming a pig farmer."
Man: "Really? That would cure my cancer?"
Doctor: "Oh no, of course not. But it will be the longest three months of your life."
Yo momma so old...
...when electricity was invented she was already 3 months due on the bill
Three Apple employees have been injured walking into glass within the first month of opening their new $5bn head quarters.
Meanwhile 3 factory employees making Apple phones have been injured since the start of this joke.
Kim Jung Un called Xi Jinping at 3:30 in the morning.
Xi: Why are you calling at *this* time?
Kim: I am going to test a nuke.
Xi: Okay, when are you going to do this?
Kim: 10.
Xi: 10 what? In 10 months? 10 weeks? 10 days?
Kim: 9.
Puzzling
The blonde was so pleased with herself, she finished the jigsaw puzzle in 3 months! The box said 3\-5 years.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I'm protected against heartworms and fleas.
Feeling proud of myself lately. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years
But I finished it in 10 months.
We?
Husband comes out a very complicated surgery and tells his wife: Honey, the doctor said we can't have s**... for about 3 months.
The wife replies: What do you mean 'we'? YOU cant have s**... for 3 months...
Mike Pence walks into the Oval Office and sees Trump whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"