Ridiculous 2nd Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.
Edit- Two Now
2nd Edit- One Now
3rd Edit- Nevermind
4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP
Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong
He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"
"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?
"He came second".
Two r**... are admiring their firearms.
One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.
That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.
Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?
He's the Quarterback.
(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
Three drunk guys get into a taxi.
The driver knew they were drunk. He turned the engine on and quickly turned it back off. He said "We've arrived."
The 1st drunk pays the driver, the 2nd drunk thanked him, and the 3rd drunk slapped him. He thought the 3rd drunk knew what he did, but he asked anyway "What was that for?"
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME! You nearly killed us!"
What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is worthless?
2nd place in a presidential election.
A drunk man
A drunk man stumbles out of bar and runs into 2 priest. The drunk man looks at the 1st priest and says,
"Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 1st priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
Then the man turns to the 2nd priest and says the same thing. "Hey, I'm Jesus Christ."
The 2nd priest tells the man, "No, my son, you're not."
The drunk man tells the priests that he can prove it. So he takes the 2 priests into the bar and the bartender says,
"Jesus Christ. You're back again?"
What's the biggest difference between Google and Pornhub?
I'm willing to go to the 2nd page of search results on Pornhub.
Two scientists walk into a bar
I'll have H20 says the 1st.
I'll have H20, too says the 2nd.
The bartender doesn't have a clue what they want because he flunked out of high school, and started working at a bar.
You can explore 2nd woman reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 2nd wife dad jokes. There are also 2nd puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
2 men go fishing, One has a stutter
The man with a stutter says shh ssshhh sshh . The other man says what is it, did you catch a fish ? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says spit it out . The stuttering man says ssshhh ship!! Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.
Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying ssshhh . The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he's going to get hurt again. The 2nd man jumps out of the boat as fast as he can, the stuttering man says sshhh sshhh Shark!!
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look s**... for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"
Two Blondes....
Two blondes are walking down a road, one has a large sports bag.
1st blonde: "What have you got in that bag?"
2nd blonde: "Chickens."
1st blonde: "If I can guess how many chickens you've got in that bag, can I have one of them?"
2nd blonde: "If you can guess how many chickens I've got in this bag, you can have BOTH of them!!"
1st blonde: "Well, I think you've got three."
So it's April 2nd
And my wife's still pregnant...
Who won the first Tour De France?
The 2nd Panzer Division.
I'm unhappy with prime day
Amazon Prime day is on the 21st. I personally would not partake of Prime day unless it were on the 2nd, 3rd, 5th, 7th, 11th, 13th, 17th, 19th, 23rd, 29th, or 31st
How many seconds in a year joke
a person died and reached the gates of heaven. An angel was guarding the gates. The Angel said "to enter the heaven, you need to answer 3 questions". The person agreed.
A : name 2 days of a week, that starts with letter T.
P : Today and tomorrow
A: ok, I can accept that. How many seconds are there in a year?
P: 12 seconds
A: (shocked) how come?
P: Jan 2nd, Feb 2nd, March 2nd ...
A: you can go in
How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?
"Nice to meet you"
A Doctor, a Lawyer, and a Meteorologist are at a bar.
At some point later that night they reached a 2nd bar. The meteorologist turned and looked at the doctor and lawyer saying; this is too much pressure for me right now.
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
Two married man talking..
1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive.
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
How many Seconds are in a year?
12!
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition..
close but no cigar
Two blondes are on either sides of a river.
The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".
The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"
i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day
the three legged pig joke reminded me of a joke my dad once told me
a scientist was doing an experiment on a frog in his lab, he placed the frog down on the floor and said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped 4 feet and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 4 legs, jumps 4 feet"
he then cut off one of the frogs legs and again said "Frog jump!". the frog jumped only 3 feet this time and so he noted in his notebook
"frog with 3 legs, jumps 3 feet"
he cut off a 2nd leg and said "Frog jump!". this time the frog only jumped 2 feet and so he noted
"frog with 2 legs, jumps 2 feet"
he then cut off a 3rd leg and again said "Frog jump!". the frog only jumped a foot and so he noted
"frog with 1 leg, jumps 1 foot"
the scientist then cut off the frogs last remaining leg and said "Frog jump!, Frog jump!, FROG JUMP!!!!!" but the frog did not move. so he noted
"frog with 0 legs, deaf"
A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each
1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?
Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)
During the course of a couple of weeks, Russia went from the 2nd stongest army in the world ...
... to the 2nd strongest army in Ukraine.
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.
At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive
At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time
At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1st guy:T..this is the wrong hotel
Three Blondes
Three blondes are hiking in the woods when they see some tracks.
1st blonde: Look guys, deer tracks!
2nd blonde: No, s**..., they're wolf tracks!
3rd blonde: You guys are both dumb, they're clearly bear tracks!
Then they got hit by a train.
I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience n**......
... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE
Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.
Drunk taxi.
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The
taxi driver knew that they were
drunk so he started the engine
& turned it off again. Then
said,"We have reached your
destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said
"Thank you". The 3rd guy
slapped the driver. The driver
was shocked thinking the 3rd
drunk knew what he did. But
then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied,
"Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
How many seconds are there in one year?
12 of them: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd, May 2nd, June 2nd, July 2nd, August 2nd, September 2nd, October 2nd, November 2nd, December 2nd.
A 2nd grade class just gets in from recess...
The teacher tells the class they're going to do a spelling assignment that relates to what they did for recess. "If you can come up to the board and write the word I give you, you'll get a gold star for the day," the teacher explains. "Tommy, what'd you do for recess?" she asks the first student. "Well," Tommy begins, "I played in the sand box with Suzy!" "Okay great. If you can come to the board and spell the word 'sand' I'll give you a gold star." So Tommy goes up to the board, spells 'sand' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks Suzy, "Suzy, what'd you do for recess today?" So Suzy answers, "like Tommy said, we played in the sand box together." "Okay," the teacher thinks, "if you can come up to the board and spell 'box' I'll give you a gold star. So Suzy spells 'box' and gets a gold star for the day. Then the teacher asks the third student, "Tyrone, what'd you do for recess today?" "Well I wanted to play in the sand box with Tommy and Suzy but they wouldn't let me," Tyrone answers. "Oh no!" says the teacher, "That's terrible! Do you know what that's called? That's called 'racial discrimination.' If you can come up to the board and spell 'racial discrimination' I'll give you a gold star."
Why did the robber go to the circus?
To steal the show. This joke was brought to you by my 2nd grade daughter. ;)
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?
The man from the 20th floor goes:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*
While the man from the 2nd floor goes:
*thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"
Three Businessmen are on a plane
The first one turns to the other two and says "My wife and I hate these long business trips, but at least we got to have s**... 3 times last night before I had to go to the airport."
"Just 3?" Replied the 2nd man. "I made love to my girlfriend 5 times." Turning to the 3rd man he asks "And you?"
"I only made love to my wife once last night." the 3rd guy replied.
"Just once? That's it? Geez. What did your wife say in the morning?"
"Don't stop."
Two scientists are working together
Both have different projects to work on.
1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"
2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"
A joke my dad just sent me about vaccinations
Hi, it happened yesterday! And this is serious!
A friend had his 2nd injection of the vaccine at the vaccination center and began to have blurred vision the whole way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
Vaccination center told him to come back - and collect his glasses.
Head & Shoulders
A Blonde and a Brunette on an elevator going to the first floor. A good looking guy wearing all black gets in the elevator and gets off in the 2nd floor, before the guy exits the elevator, the Brunette notices that he has dandruff on his shoulders. When the door closes the brunette tells the blonde. Cute guy but someone needs to give him some Head & Shoulders. The blonde asked, How do you give shoulders?
2 deer walk out of a bar
1st deer: Man that was crazy in there
2nd: ya I can't believe I just blew 40 bucks!
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
Hunting Fun
Two guys go hunting one day and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence. The first guy says to his buddy, "Man I'm not gonna lie. It's been a while. This sheep is looking pretty good."
Second guy says, "sure dude. Go for it. I won't tell anyone."
So the 1st guy pulls his pants down and has his way with the sheep.
2nd guy says, "I'm not gonna lie, that looked pretty fun. Mind if I have a turn?"
1st guy says, " Sure, go for it."
So the 2nd guy goes up, drops his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.
The baby blue whale is the 2nd largest baby in the world
Right after people who are still complaining about wearing masks.
Three vampires walk into a bar...
...and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink.
1st vampire: "Give me a shot of blood."
2nd vampire: "I want a double shot."
3rd vampire: "All I want is a cup of hot water."
The bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused. The bartender asked the 3rd vampire, "Why didn't you order any blood?"
The vampire pulls out a t**... and replies "I'm making tea."
A recently divorced woman finds a magic lantern. The genie offers her 3 wishes but with one condition.
Every wish that is granted her will be doubled to her Ex-husband.
So to test the genie she makes her first wish for $10 million. Sure enough her Ex received $20 million.
Her 2nd wish is for 2 supermodel consorts. Again her Ex is graced with 4 supermodels to fulfill his every desire.
For her final wish she asks the genie for a MMA fighter to beat her half to death!
Three drunk guys enter a Taxi
3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then said, "we have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him the money and the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was very shocked thinking the 3rd drunkard knew what he did. But then he asked "what was that for?" The 3rd guy replied, " Control yourspeed next time, you nearly killed us!
Scientists claim that after man dolphins rank 2nd in intelligence..
After that comes apes, then some species of parrots.
I guess that pushes women down to 5th.
Ever read h**...'s 2nd book?
It was called Mein Bad.
What dog breed always arrives in 2nd place?
Silver retrievers.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot..
The bartender hands him a shot of whisky, the guy drinks it down, looks at something in his shirt pocket, then orders another one.
The bartender gives him the 2nd shot, and same thing, guy drinks it, looks in his shirt pocket then immediately orders another.
After 5 more shots, the bartender can't take the mystery any more, and says to the guys "You keep looking at something in your shirt pocket every time you take a drink, what do you have in there?"
The guys says, "It's a picture of my wife. I keep drinking until she looks good then I go home."
They say the fastest disappearing thing in the universe is the speed of light
Still 2nd place to my dad
Laughter is the 2nd best
Boy:- Laughter is the 2nd best method to convince a girl to have s**.....
Girl:- What's the 1st one??
Boy:- A Knife.
Girl:- HaHaHa, you're funny..
Boy:- Good choice
Three old ladies at the park
1st lady: I have the BEST son - he calls me once a week!
2nd lady: I have the best son - he gives me flowers every Sunday!
3rd lady: No, I have the best son - he sees a therapist EVERY DAY, and ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!!
I went on a blind date with a fellow movie buff
Talk soon started about our love of the silver screen. She asked if I was in to Indie films and I said" of course they are some of the best!". "ok", she replied, "what's your favourite then?"
"I don't think you can look past Raiders of the Lost Ark personally, but the Last crusade is a close 2nd"
Guy finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!
1st wish: I want a stable job
2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle
3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies
Genie makes him a bus driver
