24 Hours Jokes
120 24 hours jokes and hilarious 24 hours puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 24 hours that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 24 Hours Short Jokes
Short 24 hours jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 24 hours humour may include short 60 minutes jokes also.
- After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day." - A doctor says, "I have bad news, and very bad news." "What's the bad news?" Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news?" I should have told you yesterday.
- If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year Would it release nine eleven next year
Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all - Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day. I'm sorry.
- A clearly exhausted Pao walks into a pub and orders a drink.... The bartender asks "long day?"
"No, all days are 24 hours long" Pao replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is. - Saying "have a nice day" to someone, sounds friendly But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
- The human brain is amazing It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.
- In ancient times, people watched the earth spin for 24 hours. They got bored though, so they called it a day
- America is in the labor room right now... Within 24 hours we will know if it's a boy or a girl.
- I'm switching all of my clocks to a 24-hour format... ...making it much easier to wait til 5 o'clock to start drinking
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24 Hours One Liners
Which 24 hours one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 24 hours? I can suggest the ones about overnight and 365 days.
- Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired, So they called it a day
- I was tired of watching the moon rotate for 24 hours So I decided to call it a day
- I've found a great 24-hour Indian restaurant It's my favorite nonstop naan-stop
- I'd like to congratulate Whitney Houston... ...on being 24 hours sober!
- A man works hard to name an interval equal to 24 hours. so he calls it a day.
- Why did the baker take a 24 hour break from baking bread? It was his cake day!
- What did Sonic the hedgehog say 24 hours before he got a blood test? Gotta go fast.
- 24 hour time format mandatory in my office? Not on my watch!
- Today I heard 24-hour Fitness filed for bankruptcy. I guess they ran out of time.
- How can I keep a major nerd in suspense for 24 hours? I'll tell you tomorrow.
- I just joined a gym for real serious stoners. *24 Hour Litness*
- What is 24 hours... The time it takes you to lose one of your airpods...
- A Goldfish has memory for up to 5 months The average gamer has memory for about 24 hours
- How do you experience 80 degree weather and snow in a 24 hour period? Move to St. Louis.
- What is the similarity between a black father and snapchat? Gone in 24 hours.
24 Hours Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 24 hours you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 45 minutes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 24 hours pranks.
Chuck Norris once saw a video that takes 24 hours to watch...
He saw it 3 times a day.
If Men Ruled the World... Laws:
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Car rental agencies would rent tanks.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car as long as you returned it within 24 hours with a full tank of gas.
Get Out of Jail Free cards would be considered legal documents.
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why.
The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations.
The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever.
The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late.
Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mom would've been angry. That's why I'm so late".
The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal.
The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day.
He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
Chuck Norris watched the first season of "24" in 5 hours.
In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years.
24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies.
AND that girl stole his bacon.
Chuck Norris can listen to 24 hours worth of music and not move a single muscle.
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?"
I replied I prefer the good one.
Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!"
I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
My doctor told me you 'll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: "Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday."
Converting Units:
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
"..A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news..'"
"This remind me of a hilarious joke. A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news, and worse news.'
'What are the bad news?' asks the patient.
'You only have 24 hours to live.' replies the doctor.
'Oh my, that's terrible! What could possibly be worse than that?!'
'Well, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday...!'
Haha! Always knocks em out!"
- The Joker on The Batman cartoon.
"I have bad news and very bad news"
said the doctor to his patient.
"Give me the bad news first, doc."
"You have 24 hours to live."
"Oh my god, that's terrible. What news could possibly be worse than that?"
"I tried calling you yesterday but there was no answer"
A Hispanic man, a European man, and an Asian man are put on a deserted island
They are told that they will be rescued in 24 hours, provided they have proved their survival skills.
The Hispanic man is in charge of building a shelter, the European man is in charge of finding food, and the Asian man is in charge of finding supplies.
The three men go their separate ways to complete their tasks.
24 hours later, the rescue team comes back to the island in the hopes of seeing that the three men can prove their survival skills.
The Hispanic man takes the rescue team to his shelter that he built, and the rescue team is pleased with his work.
The European man takes the rescue team to his stash of food that he has accumulated, and the rescue team is pleased with his work.
However, the Asian man with his supplies is nowhere to be found.
The rescue team walks around the island, searching for the Asian man and the supplies he was supposed to find, when suddenly the Asian man jumps out of the bushes and yells SUPPLIES!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Collection of my favorite Latvian Jokes.
* Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have gone Siberia! More bread for me, man think. But bread have worm.
* Man car break down near house of farmer. Take shelter in barn. Find farmer daughter in barn. Oh! Hot stuff! But TOO LATE! Is already r**... by soldier.
* Latvian walk into bar with mule. Bartender say, Why so long face? Latvian say, I was thinking of my daughter. She has been lie with soldier for potato feed baby.
* Three Latvian are brag about sons. My son is soldier. He have r**... as many women as want, say first Latvian. Zo? second say, My son is farmer. He have all potato he want! Third Latvian wait long time, then say, My son is die at birth. For him, struggle is over. Wow! You are win us, say others. But all are feel sad.
* Q : What are one potato say other potato? A : Premise ridiculous. Who have two potato?
* Q : How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.
* Q: What is happening if you cross Latvian and potato? A: This is cruel joke. please, no more.
Bar Joke
A visibly exhausted and distressed man walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "No, all days are 24 hours long," the man replied, amazed at how uneducated the bartender was.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that he has only 24 hours to live...
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for s**.... Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?' Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as Morris gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
A man finds a lamp...
A man finds a lamp lying on the beach, and when he picks it up, he is startled when a genie comes out of it. The genie intones "For granting me my freedom, sir, I will grant you one wish." The man figures that if he only gets ONE wish, he should probably use it for the greater good, and requests "Oh genie, please make the changes necessary to end world hunger." The genies agrees, and goes off to research how this might be done.
However, 24 hours later, the genie returns, saying "I'm sorry, but world hunger is just too large and pervasive an issue, this is beyond the scope of even my powers - do you have another wish?" The man thinks for a minute and states "If you can't feed the world, perhaps we can power it - can you grant me the knowledge and plans for cold fusion, so that humanity might have a cheap energy source?" The genie agrees to look into that, but 12 hours later comes back with no success - the technology is beyond what he can do using earth's modern technology.
So the man states: "If I cannot make a world-wide change, then perhaps a local one might be easier - Genie, please bring peace in the middle east." Five minutes later the genie returns, and asks "What were those first two wishes, again?"
Always on duty
A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off.
"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents.
The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying,
"Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The 3 Spies
There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They t**... him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and t**... him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".
So a man goes to the doctor...
and is told that he has a terminal illness with only 24 hours left to live.
He went home and told his wife who was completely shocked. So later, as they're laying in bed, he asks if they can make love one last time. They do. Later, the man wakes up at 3:30 in the morning and asks if they can go at it again. His wife tired and irritable says, "Well that's easy for you to ask, you don't have to get up in the morning..."
Sorry for the lousy wording
A man down on his luck is praying at church
He prays for 24 hours straight, seeing such devotion god himself goes down to meet him. The man is perplexed, he is stunned for a moment and is not able to speak. Meanwhile God is looking at him in a calming manner. The man musters up his courage asks "God, What is a Second to you?."
God replies calmly "It is an eternity my child."
The man is satisfied with his answer asks another question" God, What is a penny to you?" to which God replies "A trillion dollars".
The man starts grinning and asks him " Can I have a penny then?".
God smiles and answers " Sure, wait a second."
Good news, Bad news joke
Doctor: I have good news, and I have bad news. Which do you want first?
Man: I want the good news first.
Doctor: Well, you have 24 hours to live.
Man: That's the good new?! What's the bad news?
Doctor: The bad news is that I should have told you yesterday.
Man: *Falls over, and dies*
Do you guys have better good news, bad new joke?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The human brain is an amazing o**....
It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the w**..., right up until you find religion.
Ancient astronomers were studying the movement of the moon around the Earth
After doing it for 24 hours they got tired of it and decided to call it a day.
A Dr. was trying to call his patient...
A Dr. was trying to call his patient all afternoon. The phone would ring and ring and ring. The next day he tries calling again, starting at 8am, hoping to catch them before work. Finally around noon they answer.
The Dr. is relieved, and says "I have some good news and bad news, which do you want first?"
The patient says they want the good news.
The Dr. replies, "Well, you're terminally ill and only have 24 hours left to live."
The patient, who is completely surprised says "If that's the good news, what is the bad news?"
The Dr says "I've been trying to get in touch with you since yesterday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was in the pharmacy today...
A man approached me offering either a blue pill or a red pill. I didn't know staying in false reality gave you a 24 hour e**....
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
He sure seized that day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the FBI, the DEA, and the Chicago police are looking for a bear ...
This bear has been up to no good - it's suspected of running a major m**... lab, money laundering, and even m**... for hire. The authorities think the bear is hiding in some woods near Chi-town.
The FBI go into the woods first. After a few hours, the agents come out. "No bear in there," they say. "He got away."
Then the DEA give it a try. They search the forest for 24 hours but find no suspects.
Finally, the Chicago police take over. Two CPD officers walk into the forest. Muffled cries can be heard amongst the trees. About an hour later they walk out with a rabbit in handcuffs.
"Alright! Alright! I'm a bear," says the rabbit.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day.
Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
I think I just pooped out gold
ate 24 carrots a few hours ago
Who says, "Phlbbbbtfffbllph I NEED TO SAVE THE WORLD IN LESS THAN 24 HOURS phlbbbbtthhphhbbl"
Queefer Sutherland.
The reason I smell bad on daylight saving time...
It was the 23rd-hour of my 24-hour deodorant protection.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The brain
The brain is a amazing o**... it works 24 hours a day 365 days a year from the day you are born until you see your first woman n**....
"24 hours to live!!"
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
I came across a 24 hour diner once...
I said, "Hey man, maybe you should take a break".
So... this young guy is walking through a park,
So... this young guy is walking through a park, when he comes across an old guy sitting on a park bench, crying. The young guy says "Sir, sir, I see you're crying, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "I was sitting here a week ago when this young, beautiful woman came up to me, we started talking and we really liked each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?"
The old guy says "We started kissing and we couldn't keep our hands off each other." The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "She came back to my place, moved in with me, and now all she wants to do is make love to me 24 hours a day."
The young guy says "That's terrific, that's fantastic, what's wrong?" The old guy says "I can't remember where I live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... therapists have invented a new long lasting, alcohol based, v**... gel and lubricant.
Campaigners have slammed the move saying it could lead to 24 hour m**... drinking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman passes out after giving birth to twins...
She wakes up after two days and panics.
"Where are my babies?!" she yells.
"Your babies are safe and healthy," the nurse says. "You have been asleep for two days, and the hospital has a policy for naming newborns that says they need to be named within 24 hours of birth."
"But I was passed out! Can't I name them now?"
"We had to let your nearest relative, your brother, name them."
The woman freaks out, "My brother! He's such an idiot!... What did he name them? What did he name my daughter?"
"Denise."
"Oh, I love that name! What did he name my baby boy?"
"Denephew."
There's 24 hours in a day, and 24 cigarettes resting on my desk. Coincidence?
No. I'm just an addict.
In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.
I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.
What's the only place that has 24 hour protection from the cops?
A donut shop
Why don't programmers buy wine from 24 hour liquor stores?
They make too many sin tax errors
People: You can't have all four seasons in the space of 24 hours!
Ohio: Hold my beer.
*inspired by the fact that yesterday it was 74F and had thunderstorms, and today it's 30F and snowing.*
You only have 24 hours a day
but that's not enough, so work at night.
what do you call a fruit that lasts all day?
a lemon 24 hour
A blonde calls a 24/7 support call center
The blonde asks what hours they are open for. The technical support person says we are available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The blonde stops for a moment a thinks. After a while she asks is that Eastern or Pacific time?
When your girl gets pregnant- B:Call me Snapchat
G: why?
B: Cuz i'll be gone in 24 hours
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told her that I like to print n**... photos at the 24 hour print store...
She said, "That's k**...."
And I said, "No, it's Kinko's."
Ultimatum
Vladimir Putin gave Great Britain 24 hours to explain the death of Stephen Hawking.
Grocery store
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
I saw a bank that said 24 hour banking...
But I didn't have that much time.
Yesterday I was making some homemade pizza when my doctor called to inform me that I only had 24 hours to live, that's when I realized...
This is the last pizza ill ever knead
Honestly, im glad Trump became president, crime dropped his first day on the job.
Real estate fraud worldwide dropped within 24 hours
Wanna know a way to leave someone frustrated and on edge for 24 hours?
I'll tell you tomorrow.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in this case I bought. Coincidence?
Nope. I'm just a massive alcoholic.
Friend got a sick paint job
Luckily, it'll be cured in about 24 hours.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know the average frog as s**... for 24 hours!
Know wonder their eyes bulge.
John has two monkeys that died within 24 hours of each other.
He took them to the taxidermist, because he loved them and wanted to keep them with him forever.
The taxidermist said, "Do you want them mounted?"
John said, "No, just have them shaking hands."
(from a book of old jokes)
You hear about the guy who died while listening to Queen for 24 hours?
He died from Mercury poisoning.
The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)
The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."
I tried to ride my bike for 24 hours straight
But I couldn't find a road without a curve in it
The Avengers: Endgame trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but...
Avengers endgame trailer becomes most viewed trailer in history with 289M views in 24 hours ...
This could have been double only if Thanos had not snapped his fingers
Remember the periods of 24 hours that made up a week
Yah, those were the days.