20th Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious 20th puns

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

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Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

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When my wife and I got married,

we mutually decided to each select that one person who we'd most like to have sex with and, if by some miracle, it happened, the other wouldn't get angry. She picked Brad Pitt and I went with Uma Thurman (Uma!!). For our 20th anniversary, I thought it would be fun to change things up and she agreed. So, she picked George Clooney and I chose the next door neighbor.

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A husband and wife are celebrating their 20th anniversary.......

The wife is naked in front of her husband and says " The first time you saw me naked you said you wanted to suck my tits dry and fuck my brains out. What do you think now?"

The husband looks at his wife and says "I think I did a pretty good job".

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Dad Joke

It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"

Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.

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For my graduating class' 20th reunion, we're digging up our time capsule from freshman year

I cant wait to see how big my dog Sparky got

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There's a legless and armless girl sitting on the beach

It's her 20th birthday, and she had her parents situate her on the beach so she could meet a special guy.
She sees a very attractive man run past and she start loudly crying. He stops and asks what's wrong. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never had a hug from a real man." The man sit down next to her and gives her a hug. She continues to cry and he asks what's wrong now. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been kissed by a real man." The man plants a kiss on her lips. She cries even harder. He asks what's wrong a third time. She says, "I'm 20 years old and I've never been fucked."
The man picks up the girl in his arm and walks towards the ocean. He throws her as far as he can into the water and says, "Now you're fucked."

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What's the difference between a man who falls off a building from the 20th floor, and a man who falls off a building from the 2nd floor?

The man from the 20th floor goes:
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!" *thud*

While the man from the 2nd floor goes:
*thud* "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!"

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A feminist falls from a 40 story window...

She is caught by a window washer on the 30th floor! "Hey there gorgeous! How about a blowjob?"

"Ugh! No way creep!"
And he drops her.


Then she is caught by a dapperly dressed man on the 20th floor window! "Pleasure meeting you darling! Fancy a screw?"

"...I would never consent to such patriarchal demands from a..."

And he drops her.


With a devil's luck, she is caught by a man on the 10th floor window!

"FINE! I'll give you a blowjob! I'll screw you until your eyes roll in the back of your head and your balls become raisins!"
Then she looks at the man and sees the white collar, and the crucifix necklace of a priest.

"WHORE!" He angrily shouts!

And he drops her.

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People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

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A pessimist and and an optimist fall off the top of a 100 story building......

The pessimist was heard screaming and cursing as he past the 20th floor. As the optimist fell past he quietly whispered "so far, so good"!

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Where is Jim?

He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jim has been missing since Friday.

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A guy went down the stairs from the 20th floor while looking out the window downstair of each floor

Then once he reached the ground floor he hugged the man sitting outside. Then the man said "what the fuck? Do I know you???" Then the guy said "i knew you when you were very little"

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It's my 20th wedding anniversary today.

Had I just killed the bitch I'd be out of prison by now.

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Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

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20th Anniversary

A man wants to get his wife something special for their 20th anniversary, so he goes out and buys her a $200.00 transparent night gown. He then goes to wrap the gown up in a gift box while putting a handwritten letter on top of it.

That evening, after leaving the box in their room upstairs, the man sees his wife come home, and tells her that her present is in the room.

The wife goes upstairs, and after reading the heartfelt letter, decides before seeing her husbands present, she would give him her own. So she strips down to nothing and goes downstairs to surprise her husband. The man looks up at his wife and says, "For $200.00, you think they would at least iron the gown."

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What's the difference between a guy falling from the 20th or the 1st floor of a building?

20th floor fall goes: *Aaaaaah, BAM!*
1st floor fall goes: *BAM, Aaaaah!*

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Bob forgot his 20th wedding anniversary...

...And his wife was really pissed off. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I better find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob was never seen again.

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A man was asked for his secret to a long lasting marriage...

**"Well, i took my wife to Italy on our honeymoon."** *"so what are you guys doing for your 20th wedding anniversary?"*
**"Im going back to get her."**

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What's the difference between falling from the 20th floor and the 2nd floor?

20th floor:

* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (***SPLAT***)

2nd floor:

* (***SPLAT***) AAAAAaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh......

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What do you call a 20th century grammar nazi?

Alt-Write

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What is the difference between falling from the 2nd floor and the 20th floor?

The 2nd floor: (SPLAT) AAAAAaaaaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhh......
The 20th floor: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! (SPLAT)

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Birthday

The Judge asks the defendant, When is your birthday Mr McKenzie?  
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February 20th, Your Honor.
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And what year?
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Every year, Your Honor"

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Obama's announcement

Today, President Obama announced that, after January 20th, the official title of "U.S. Government" will be changed to include quotation marks around Government.

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Juan's 20th Birthday

Juan's friends and family kept saying to him "You're 20, Juan!"

Juan was very disappointed with this, as they believed he was turning 21, not 20

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I took my wife to China for our 10th anniversary.

I'm picking her up on our 20th

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Why is the rate of unemployed black people higher than in the 20th century?

Because synthetic cotton is more popular.

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Two guys are drinking on a roof of a sky scrapper...

And the first guy looks to the other and says, "Did you know the owners of the building got so tired of people committing suicide that they installed a vacuum on the 20th floor to pull people in that jump?"

The second guys says, "you're full of crap"

So the first guy finishes his beer, walks over to the edge and jumps off.

The second man is shocked and runs over to the edge just in time to see the first get pulled into the building.

A few minutes later he is back on the roof and says, "I told you"

"I gotta try this" says the second guy, so he downs the rest of his beer, walks up to the edge, jumps off, and falls to his death.

The first man goes back to the bar and the bartender says, "you know, you're a real asshole when you're drunk Superman."

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A young man is picking the petals of the flower...

19th century:
"She loves me, she loves me not..."
20th century:
"She'll sleep with me, she won't..."
21st century:
"I'm a man, I'm a woman..."

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I just celebrated my 20th wedding anniversary today...

Does this mean I'm eligible for parole now??

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Anniversary gift

The wife asks her husband: "What are you gonna get me for our 20th anniversary, dear?"

"A grave in the cemetery". They had a huge fight. Fast forward to next year.

"What're you gonna get me for our 21st anniversary, honey?"

The man, annoyed, replies: "Nothing! You haven't used what I got you last year yet!"

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The best late artist of the late 20th century yelvis.

I AINT NOTHING BUT A HOUND DOG. CRYING ALL THE TIME.

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I'm so happy that 20th of April has so much attention!

Otherwise we would have forgotten Hitler's birthday! It's so nice of us to celebrate it.

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You know what the greatest thing about January 20th 2017 12:01 AM?

That is when its going to be the darkest before the Donald

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What's the difference between a $20 bill and a Jew in the 20th century? (offensive)

jews were expendable

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What are the most funny 20th jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about 20th? Well, here are the best 20th dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and 20th pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes