2018 Jokes

We're supposed to lose all the trees by 2020

but if we work hard, we can make it by 2018.

2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win

2017: He can't do that... right?

2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!

I started seeing a psychic.

I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.

iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack

2017: iPhone 8=no battery

2018: iPhone 9=no screen

2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000

The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

2016 Denial

2017 Anger

2018 Bargaining

2019 Depression

2020 Acceptance

Happy New Year #2018

first.

Scientists have found a chemical in m**... that can be used to develop a cheap printer ink.

The first *s**...* cartridges ship in early 2018.

2018 kids won't get this

Club penguin

The 2018 STAR WARS movie isn't part of a trilogy...

...it's a Solo film

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed

The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Russian Elections

Ministry of Russian election announcement: Elections of Vladimir Putin will commence as planned in 2018.

Coming out of the closet in 2018

Mom.. Dad.... I have to tell you something and you may not like it.... sometimes when I visit the neighbor boy... we lock the door to his room.. and watch the NFL

What do you call 23 men watching the World Cup 2018?

The Scotland National Team.

Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold?

There's no Chile in it.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

I will do something good for my country in year 2018

I will leave the country.

Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?

It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for

What do you get when you combine Battlefront II with the internet of 2018?

Pai to play

Putin: "Russia did not meddle in 2016."

International Olympic Committee: "You certainly won't in 2018."

2018

2016 - your favourite famous person is dead

2017 - your favourite famous person is a s**... offender

- your favourite famous person is RUSSIAN.

So, what is your new resolution for 2018?

5120 x 2880

It's almost 2018!

My New Year's revolution is to proofread more.

I was standing in a library

And a black dude walks up to me and asked if i knew where the colored printer was. I told him "dude, it's almost 2018, use any printer you want."

Meteorologists have forecast snow throughout the US for the entire year of 2018

Flake news

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

My New Years resolution for 2018 is...

My resolution for 2018 is to stay in shape

Lucky for me, round is a shape

I hate it when people mention forgetting about their 2017 problems.

I'm coming into 2018 with 2012 problems

My New Year's resolution is to stop using aerosol deodorants

Roll on 2018

So 2018 is the Chinese year of the dog...

Looks like it's gonna be ruff

If you started having s**... at 11:59:59 on New Years Eve....

You would've finished at exactly the start of 2018.

1848: You Have Died of Dysentery

2018: You Have Died From Having To Pump Your Own Gas

How to quit smoking

Friend: My new year resolution for 2018 is to quit smoking.
Me: That's great, I might have a tip for you.
Friend: What is it? Most tips online don't seem to work for me.
Me: It's pretty simple actually. Try to limit your smokes to only after s**.... As you get older, you'll smoke less and less.
Friend: Has it worked for you?
Me: I don't smoke, but my wife has quit smoking ever since we've been married.

Welcome to the 2018 Golden Globes

Where Hollywood will pat itself on the back and several men will pat Hollywood on the front

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2018 Super bowl.

Both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.  If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at St Christopher's Church, in Baldwin at 3pm. Her name is Ashley, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

My New Year Resolution for 2018 is...

Buying bitcoin in 2011!

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day...

Was volunteering in the library on MLK Day behind the help desk when a black guy asks where the colored printers are.

I said, "it's MLK day 2018, you can use whichever printer you want!"

The evolution of tide pods

In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

2018 will be the first year that you see people born in the year 2000 in a s**... tape....

Next years are even better, trust me.

I was in the library the other day when a black man came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were?

I replied, "Dude, it's 2018, you can use whatever printer you want."

For 2016 I gave up smoking, for 2017 I gave up drinking.

For 2018 I gave up compulsive lying.

If some part of your job feels utterly pointless, remember

Putin campaigned for the 2018 elections.

How is the government in 2018 like a diner?

No substitutions!

The snack companies of the world have announced the food Olympics for 2018.

Supposedly two of the events have an interesting relay-sun-chip.

According to a new 2018 opinion poll:

p**... are out and Vaginas are in.

What do you call graduating from an American High school in 2018?

Dodging a bullet

2018 is the Year of the sequel.

Deadpool 2, Avengers Infinity war 3, Incredibles 2, World War 3.

I wonder who's watching me now, the IRS?

1984 paranoid ramblings

2018 passing remark

My grandfather was arrested numerous times for selling a phony life lengthening drug...

Once in 1888, again in 1922, a third time in 1954, and another time in January 2018

My 2018 New Year's resolution is to procrastinate this year.

This is my most successful resolution so far.

Went to see the doctor about my blocked ear.

"Which ear is it?" he asked.

"2018." I replied.

I heard Incels are working on their own version of a pride parade.

It's called the "Tool World Tour 2018".

Son: Dad, why is my sister's name Rose?

Me: Because your mom loves roses.

Son: What about me?

Me: It's a long story, FIFA World Cup™ Russia 2018.

FIFA World Cup 2018

A frenchman alks down the street, where he bumps into an Englishman

The Frenchman asks: How are you, what are you up to?"

Englishman: " Ah, nothing much, playing the Croatians in the World Cup tomorrow!"

Frenchman: "What a coincidence...?! We're playing them on Sunday!"

I hate it when people talk about their 'spirit animals'

It's 2018, you can say fursona.

There is no God -Stephen Hawking, 2011

There is no Stephen Hawking God, 2018

Walmart announced the closing of 175 stores in 2018

Putting 12 cashiers out of work

What did the Helsinki Summit have in common with the 2018 World Cup?

Nobody was playing for the USA.

An African American guy in College ...

Asks a white dude:
- Hey man where's the color printer?
Dude replies:
- Man, it's 2018, you can use any printer you want!

A black guy in a library asked me where the coloured printer was.

I replied, "Mate, it's 2018... You can use any printer you want!"

How to turn on a phone in 2018

With a finger or a f**...

Parents in 1998: Don't believe everything you read on the internet

Parents in 2018: Did you know that dogs will die if you feed them ice cubes?

After 23 school shootings in 2018

We did it. We finally banned straws.

What would God's 10 commandments be called in 2018?

Top 10 Commandments from God©

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

Its 2018 ladies, better treat your man right

Other another man will

Grindr got hacked in March of 2018.

Looks like someone found the back door.

What's the difference between the 2018 Fifa World Cup and 21 Savage?

Only one came home.

Congrats to the Patriots on their 7th ring,

Super Bowls XXXVI (2001), XXXVIII (2003), XXXIX (2004), XLIX (2014), LI (2016), LIII (2018), Prostitution Ring (2019)!

Robert Kraft - 7 rings.

Robert Kraft:

- 2001 Super Bowl Ring
- 2003 Super Bowl Ring
- 2004 Super Bowl Ring
- 2014 Super Bowl Ring
- 2016 Super Bowl Ring
- 2018 Super Bowl Ring
- 2019 Prostitution Ring

2013: Didn't jog - 2014: Didn't jog - 2015: Didn't jog - 2016: Didn't jog - 2017: Didn't jog - 2018: Didn't jog - 2019: Didn't jog - 2020: Still haven't jogged

This is a running joke.

chinese new years

2009. Ox
2010. Tiger.
2011. Rabbit.
2012. Dragon.
2013. Snake.
2014. Horse.
2015. Goat.
2016. Monkey.
2017. Rooster.
2018. Dog.
2019. Pig.
2020. Rat.
2021. Ox.

All served with rice or chips, bat and pangolin scale sauce £1.00 extra.

Jogging

2014 Didn't jog

2015 Didn't jog

2016 Didn't jog

2017 Didn't jog

2018 Didn't jog

2019 Didn't jog

2020 Still not jogging

This is a running joke.

The year is 2018 and I don't jog. The year is 2019 and I don't jog. The year is 2020 and I still don't jog.

This is a running joke.

A 2018 report showed that the vast majority of bankers have no close friends

Apparently they're all loaners

I didn't run a marathon in 2018.

I didn't run a marathon in 2019.
I didn't run a marathon in 2020.
I've never run a marathon in my life.
...
This is a running joke.

In 2017, i didn't jog. In 2018 i didn't jog. In 2019 i didn't jog. In 2020 i didn't jog.

This is a running joke

Remember, having s**... on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here's to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend

After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.

~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2017, i didn't get the chance to, but 2018 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2016, i didn't get the chance to, but 2017 will be the year.~~

~~After what happened in 2015, i didn't get the chance to, but 2016 will be the year.~~

Me: Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere.

Dad: Well, it got me to the "Sarcasm World Championships" in Uruguay in 2018.

Me: Really?

Dad: No

Police arrested a time traveler from 2018

He still can't believe that he was arrested for **not** wearing a mask in a bank.

3 men were waiting in line to enter heaven

The angel at the gate asks the first man
"how many times did you cheat on your wife?" "10 times" the man answers. The angel gives him the keys to a 2010 Toyota Camry "this is how you will drive around heaven".
The second man says he cheated on his wife 5 times, the angel gives him a 2018 Lexus and let's him in.
The third man says he never cheated on his wife, he gets a 2021 Rolls Royce.

A few days later the 3 men meet and the man in the Rolls Royce is very sad, the men ask him what's wrong, he replys "I just saw my wife riding around on a scooter.

2010: Didn't jog.

2011: Didn't jog.

2012: Didn't jog.

2013: Didn't jog.

2014: Didn't jog.

2015: Didn't jog.

2016: Didn't jog.

2017: Didn't jog.

2018: Didn't jog.

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

Why was 2018 scared of 2020?

Because 2020 and 2019 got in a fight...and 2021.
.