Fun-Filled 2017 Jokes to Boost Your Mood
2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win
2017: He can't do that... right?
2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!
I started seeing a psychic.
I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.
I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.
If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.
Kinda scared for 2017
Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of n**... h**... would have if he had 8 more
iPhone's from the future.
2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack
2017: iPhone 8=no battery
2018: iPhone 9=no screen
2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000ο»Ώ
So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:
Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet
January 20, 2017
The day America expires.
The date is 20 January 2017.
The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"
The Trump Years in a Nutshell
2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"
The 2017 forecast just came in
Looks like reign with a slight chance of heil.
2016 Denial
2017 Anger
2018 Bargaining
2019 Depression
2020 Acceptance
You can explore 2017 hope reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean 2017 donald dad jokes. There are also 2017 puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
2017 New Years Resolution
First step: write down the resolu
On April 16, 2017, a small French city will detach from the surface of the Earth and fly into space, killing everyone.
It's just Toulouse.
Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account.
Please don't mix it up like last year.
I have high expectations for 2017 because
from rock bottom, you can only go up
Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.
St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.
My goal for 2017....
....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013
A man is in the hospital and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news
The man says "give me the bad news, Dr."
The Dr tells him they will need to amputate the left foot.
The guy asks "what's the good news?"
The doctor says "you get to start 2017 on the right foot"
I haven't gotten laid all year
and its not even 2017 yet
2017 won't be all bad
For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.
In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.
This marks the end of my cheat decade.
2017 stinks
Billions of people haven't showered since last year.
In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...
That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!
2017 has been great so far
So far
Imagine us waiting for 2017 but out comes
2016S
You cannot taste me, until you undress me.
- Banana, 2017
Time zones are crazy
On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.
In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?
Or is that rude to the ball and chain?
Super bowl tickets
A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
Β
Β
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."
*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.
I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old!
...plus a couple billion years...
So my cousin s**... up bigtime
My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.
If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017
but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that
"Hold my beer."
-2017
2017 First UFO lands
Alien: "Take me to your leader."
*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.
Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."
2017 has been great so far! I've lost about 105 pounds!
I mean, I missed her at first but I've saved a ton of money
90% of Albert Einstein quotes are fake.
~Albert Einstein, 2017
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Two bears and three bears walk into a bar.....
They ask for oil price from 2015 through 2017.
Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.....
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2017: I just s**... my legs
*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017
Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.
Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.
What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?
One likes men and the other is disabled.
EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.
What's the most popular drink in the Whitehouse for the summer of 2017 ?
v**..., on the rocks.
What do you call a cleavage in 2017?
Silicone Valley.
Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated
Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.
Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.
Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?
A man walks into a bar with a fidget spinner...
The man asks the bartender:
Sir, is it okay for me to use my fidget spinner here?
Bartender:
Sir, it's 2017, you can be gay anywhere.
What do you call a short ballerina in 2017?
A midget spinner.
Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025
but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017
The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...
So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.
Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.
As a Filipino in 2017
Whenever I break a promise, I just say:
"Well, you voted for a man who promised to clean the government in three to six months! Get used to it."
1990 - "I want two kids, one of each."
2017 - "I want 35 kids, one of each."
The year is 2017.
There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my a**... and wriggles it about a bit.
The Apple iPhone 8, Samsung Galaxy S8, Snapchat Spectacles, and the Amazon Echo Show all came out in 2017. Who won the year?
The NSA
Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.
Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.
2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars
2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.
Who looks like a alpaca and drops sick albums in 2017
...Kendrick Llama
2005: One day computers will be so good that you will have to prove you aren't a robot.
2017: One day computers will be so good that you won't have to prove that you are a robot.
I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in.
I said "2017"
My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...
But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want
I hate when people use the year as a justification to an opinion.
Its 2017, we should be way past that.
By far the best black friday deal of 2017...
My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.
I was at a library and a black guy asked where the colored printer was. I said, "bro, it's 2017, use any printer you want."
I was at a library and a black guy asked where the colored printer was. I said, "bro, it's 2017, use any printer you want."
2017 Limerick: There once was a man from Nantucket
Who after several credible accusations of s**... harassment was forced to resign from his position of political power
2017 did not tire me
It was a Goodyearβ’
All I want to say about 2017...
...is that it was an odd year.
Yo mama so fat
The last time she saw 2017 was on the scale
Now that 2017 is over, I would like to say thanks to my neighbors...
you were always by my side.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.
But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.
The evolution of tide pods
In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool
Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.
Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.
"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed
High school student in poll position
I remember the Swedish summer of 2017..
It was the best day of the year.
Sunday, March 4, 2017:
World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, boasting in an open foyer.
What's black and white and red all over?
Charlottesville. In 2017
Me: Dude, I can't believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.
Friend: What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..
Me: That's why I ain't believing it.
2013: Didn't jog - 2014: Didn't jog - 2015: Didn't jog - 2016: Didn't jog - 2017: Didn't jog - 2018: Didn't jog - 2019: Didn't jog - 2020: Still haven't jogged
This is a running joke.
chinese new years
2009. Ox
2010. Tiger.
2011. Rabbit.
2012. Dragon.
2013. Snake.
2014. Horse.
2015. Goat.
2016. Monkey.
2017. Rooster.
2018. Dog.
2019. Pig.
2020. Rat.
2021. Ox.
All served with rice or chips, bat and pangolin scale sauce Β£1.00 extra.
Jogging
2014 Didn't jog
2015 Didn't jog
2016 Didn't jog
2017 Didn't jog
2018 Didn't jog
2019 Didn't jog
2020 Still not jogging
This is a running joke.
My wife and i have been happily married for two years
2012 and 2017
In 2017, i didn't jog. In 2018 i didn't jog. In 2019 i didn't jog. In 2020 i didn't jog.
This is a running joke
Ever since 2017, my New Year's resolution has been to work on my novel.
Four years going and I've almost finished reading it!
Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?
I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.
My New Years Resolution is to get a girlfriend
After what happened in 2020, i didn't get the chance to, but 2021 will be the year.
~~After what happened in 2019, i didn't get the chance to, but 2020 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2018, i didn't get the chance to, but 2019 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2017, i didn't get the chance to, but 2018 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2016, i didn't get the chance to, but 2017 will be the year.~~
~~After what happened in 2015, i didn't get the chance to, but 2016 will be the year.~~
What did Johnny Depp's lawyer say when they found Amber Heard's "bruise makeup kit" wasn't made before 2017?
Objection, lack of foundation
2010: Didn't jog.
2011: Didn't jog.
2012: Didn't jog.
2013: Didn't jog.
2014: Didn't jog.
2015: Didn't jog.
2016: Didn't jog.
2017: Didn't jog.
2018: Didn't jog.
2019: Didn't jog.
2020: Didn't jog.
2021: Didn't jog.
2022: Still haven't jogged.
This is a running joke.
