2017 Jokes

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats...

But it's 2017 and I'll date who I want

Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church in New York City at 5 PM. Her name is Donna. She will be the one in the white dress.

The evolution of tide pods

In 2017 tids pods cleaned clothes but in 2018 it cleans the gene pool

Kinda scared for 2017

Because 2+0+1+7 is 10 - the exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 8 more

Tide announced the new motto for their pods line.

Cleaning the gene pool since 2017.

A man walks into a bar with a fidget spinner...

The man asks the bartender:
Sir, is it okay for me to use my fidget spinner here?

Bartender:
Sir, it's 2017, you can be gay anywhere.

Jogging

2014 Didn't jog

2015 Didn't jog

2016 Didn't jog

2017 Didn't jog

2018 Didn't jog

2019 Didn't jog

2020 Still not jogging



This is a running joke.

What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable?

One likes men and the other is disabled.

EDIT 2: I apologise if this offends some people. In 2017, you cannot be too careful.

I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go.

If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:

"Doctor, I have an ear ache."


2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017

Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Scientists claims that 85% of rainforests will be gone by 2025

but if we worked really hard, we can do it by the end of 2017

2013: Didn't jog - 2014: Didn't jog - 2015: Didn't jog - 2016: Didn't jog - 2017: Didn't jog - 2018: Didn't jog - 2019: Didn't jog - 2020: Still haven't jogged

This is a running joke.

Super bowl tickets

A buddy of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfare, accommodation, etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

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If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5 p.m. Her name's Louise. She's 5' 6", about 120 lbs., good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress."


*this was forwarded to me by my dad just now, never heard before, thought was worthwhile for a chuckle.

So my cousin screwed up bigtime

My cousin has two tickets for the 2017 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each ticket, but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place... It's at St. Joseph Church, in Warwick, RI at 3 p.m. Her name is Amanda. She's 5'2, about 130 lbs. She's a good cook, too. She'll be the one in the white dress.

I was outside school last week. One of the other parents came over and asked me what year my daughter was in.

I said "2017"

In order to finish my 2016 resolution, i cut off my left leg...

That way, I'll reach my goal of losing 20 pounds AND start 2017 off on the right foot!

Me: Dude, I can't believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.

Friend: What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..

Me: That's why I ain't believing it.

The Trump Years in a Nutshell

2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance.
2017: Trump's still trying?
2018: "Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins"

iPhone's from the future.

2016: iPhone 7=no headphone jack

2017: iPhone 8=no battery

2018: iPhone 9=no screen

2019: iPhone 10=no phone at all, just pay Apple $1000ο»Ώ

Philosophers in 500B.C.: Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated

Philosophers in 400B.C.: The greatest wealth is to live content with little.

Philosophers in 1200: Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Philosophers in 1900: That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Philosophers in 2017: Would you like some drinks with that order?

The mailman told me he's off to Spain tomorrow...

So I asked him if he is off to Parcelona. He then proceeded to ignore what is my best joke of 2017.

Well did you say it right? The key to a good mailman's joke is the delivery.

So the 2017 World Chess Championships are being held in Iran. There's going to be some rule changes:

Queens won't be able to move without the king's permission, and bishops will face summary execution for spreading the word of the false prophet

Yo mama so fat

The last time she saw 2017 was on the scale

The year is 2017.

There are machines which can look through skin and see bones. There are machines which keep you alive when your brain and heart have stopped. There's even a machine that can tell you who your parents are with a single drop of spit. However, when I need my prostate checking, a man sticks his finger up my arsehole and wriggles it about a bit.

Imagine us waiting for 2017 but out comes

2016S

2016 Denial

2017 Anger

2018 Bargaining

2019 Depression

2020 Acceptance

Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

What do you call a short ballerina in 2017?

A midget spinner.

I hate when people use the year as a justification to an opinion.

Its 2017, we should be way past that.

The Apple iPhone 8, Samsung Galaxy S8, Snapchat Spectacles, and the Amazon Echo Show all came out in 2017. Who won the year?

The NSA

All I want to say about 2017...

...is that it was an odd year.

2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars

2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.

2005: One day computers will be so good that you will have to prove you aren't a robot.

2017: One day computers will be so good that you won't have to prove that you are a robot.

1990 - "I want two kids, one of each."

2017 - "I want 35 kids, one of each."

I was at a library and a black guy asked where the colored printer was. I said, "bro, it's 2017, use any printer you want."

I was at a library and a black guy asked where the colored printer was. I said, "bro, it's 2017, use any printer you want."

I started seeing a psychic.

I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.

The date is 20 January 2017.

The date is 20 January 2017. Donald Trump has just been sworn in as President. He walks to the mic for his inauguration speech. He looks at Obama and says "You're Fired"

In the distant future scientists invent a special time machine

It can send messages back to the past, as a dream to a single person.

Because of all the problems Covid-19 caused, they decided to try and warn the world before hand. So a dream message was sent back to the year 2017: "Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019. Covid is fatal will arrive in fall 2019." It would repeat over and over.

This dream was of course sent to the most powerful man in the world back then: President Trump... unfortunately, the sheer distance in time garbled the message: "Cov.. f.. f.. Cov.. f.. f.. "

In the political correctness of 2017, is it still ok to call my wife the "ol ball and chain"?

Or is that rude to the ball and chain?

2017 First UFO lands

Alien: "Take me to your leader."

*Alien is brought to Pres. Trump.

Alien: "Good one! Seriously though. This is important."

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

I haven't gotten laid all year

and its not even 2017 yet

Now that 2017 is over, I would like to say thanks to my neighbors...

you were always by my side.

What's black and white and red all over?

Charlottesville. In 2017

"Hold my beer."

-2017

2017 won't be all bad

For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.

Guys, if anyone is interested, a friend of mine got an invitation to the 2017 Berlin Marathon for Christmas. But it's the same day of his wedding. So if anyone wants (and is able) to go, everything is paid.

St. Mary's church @ 6pm. Bride's name is Lisa.
Just go there, get married and you're done.

Time zones are crazy

On new years eve some parts of the world are in 2017, some are in 2016, and a large portion of the U.S. is still stuck in 1940.

You cannot taste me, until you undress me.

- Banana, 2017

2017 stinks

Billions of people haven't showered since last year.

2017 has been great so far

So far

By far the best black friday deal of 2017...

My bank account, with a 100% balance discount.

2017 Limerick: There once was a man from Nantucket

Who after several credible accusations of sexual harassment was forced to resign from his position of political power

2016: Surely Donald Trump won't win

2017: He can't do that... right?

2018: I hope my district wins the Hunger Games!

What do you call a cleavage in 2017?

Silicone Valley.

2017 has been great so far! I've lost about 105 pounds!

I mean, I missed her at first but I've saved a ton of money

Ocean's 8 is expected to come out in late 2017

but probably won't be ready until at least 30 minutes after that

In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again.

This marks the end of my cheat decade.

Two bears and three bears walk into a bar.....

They ask for oil price from 2015 through 2017.

2017 did not tire me

It was a Goodyearβ„’

I remember the Swedish summer of 2017..

It was the best day of the year.

"Top 10 Most Dangerous Occupations in the US 2017" revealed

High school student in poll position

I have high expectations for 2017 because

from rock bottom, you can only go up

Dear Santa -- For 2017, all I want is a SLIM body and a BIG FAT bank account.

Please don't mix it up like last year.

January 20, 2017

The day America expires.

A man is in the hospital and the doctor tells him he has good news and bad news

The man says "give me the bad news, Dr."

The Dr tells him they will need to amputate the left foot.

The guy asks "what's the good news?"

The doctor says "you get to start 2017 on the right foot"

90% of Albert Einstein quotes are fake.

~Albert Einstein, 2017

Sunday, March 4, 2017:

World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, boasting in an open foyer.

Who looks like a alpaca and drops sick albums in 2017

...Kendrick Llama

2017 New Years Resolution

First step: write down the resolu

The 2017 forecast just came in

Looks like reign with a slight chance of heil.

What's the most popular drink in the Whitehouse for the summer of 2017 ?

Vodka, on the rocks.

Giving birth in 2017

Woman: Doctor, is it a boy or girl?
Doctor: I dont know, we'll have to wait for it to decide.

Men 1845: I just killed a buffalo.....

Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.

Men 2017: I just shaved my legs

What does NSA stand for (as of apr 5, 2017) ?

NuΓ±es Steps Aside

If I was going to describe 2017

I'd say it was one of the swords the Musketeers used.

I can't believe Earth is 2017 years old!

...plus a couple billion years...

E3 2017

Xbox: We have a new console with tons of good specs, VR support, and a badass name.

Sony: We have Kojima, God of War, Crash Bandicoot, and Spider-Man

Nintendo: We have plumbers and bunnies.

It's 2017, and President Hillary has ordered the minting of new coinage to celebrate female empowerment in the 21st Century. What is the new coin called?

A Shilling, of course.

We have collected gags that can be used as 2017 pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about 2017, here are one liners and funny 2017 pick up lines.

Joko Jokes