2000 Jokes
111 2000 jokes and hilarious 2000 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 2000 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest 2000 Short Jokes
Short 2000 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 2000 humour may include short jokes also.
- Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless - bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten. "1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
- Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- Hi. My name is bill gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten: 1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10
---- - Who says building a border wall won't work? The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don't have any Mexicans.
- What's the difference between Jesus' crucifixion and a cow? You cant milk a cow for 2000 years.
- Why did the Mexican army attack the Alamo with only 2000 soldiers? they only had one pickup
- They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom Or $2000 if you count the abortion.
- Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall. They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.
- I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours. That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.
Share These 2000 Jokes With Friends
2000 One Liners
Which 2000 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 2000? I can suggest the ones about and .
- I ordered 2000 lbs. of chinese soup. It was Won Ton.
- What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2 kilomockingbirds
- I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform But I partied like it was $19.99
- I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
- How much does 2000 pounds of Chinese noodles weigh? Won Ton
- I saw a 2000 year old oil stain. It was from ancient Greece.
- What do you call a mockingbird that weighs 2,000 grams? 2 kilo mockingbird
- 2000's kids won't get this Social security checks
- 2.000 light bulbs stolen Investigators still in the dark
- I burned 2,000 calories today... I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
- Inflation is so bad right now .. That a picture is now worth 2000 words.
- What does 2,000 pounds of Chinese food weigh? Won ton.
- Plane crashed in graveyard Police recovered 2000 bodies.
- What do you call 2000 mockingbirds? 2kilo mocking birds.
- What is 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won ton.
2000 Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 2000 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 2000 pranks.
I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine
A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".
"$500? Why is it so expensive?"
"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"
"really? wow! and how much for the second one?"
"$2000!"
"$2000?"
"Yes, that parrot can dance, sing, say 1500 words, send emails, browse the web, use twitter and type texts you dictate on a computer"
"Wow, fantastic and what about the third one?"
"The third one costs $200,000".
"$200,000 ???? What does he do to cost that much?"
"absolute nothing."
"Nothing? and why does it costs $200,000"
"because the other two parrots call him boss".
In the past
Russian scientists dug 1000 mtr deep and found a copper wire.
They concluded:
1000 yrs back our ancestors were using copper cable technology ..
American scientists dug 2000 mtr deep and found optic fibre.
They concluded:
2000 yrs back our ancestors were using optic fibre technolgy ..
Indian scientist dug and found nothing. They concluded our ancestors were using Wireless Technology.!
Currency caper
A Japanese man visits Australia.
On the way in he converts his 4000 yen to $100.
A couple of weeks later, he is returning home and converts his last $100, but this time only receives 2000 yen.
"what's up with this?", he enquires, "why is the conversion rate half what it was when I came here?"
"fluctuations." replies the exchange kiosk operator.
"yeah? well fluck you too, white man."
Useful Metric Equivalents
* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 millipede = 1 centipede
* 3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
* 10 monologues = 5 dialogues
* 2 monograms = 1 diagram
* 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
Edit - formatting
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
My LASIK doctor said that if I get 2000 upvotes on this post I'll get free treatment.
Upvote for visibility.
God and Moses
God and Moses were up in heaven when out of the blue Moses said God I really love heaven and find it really cool, but it is starting to get a bit boring up here. Why don't we go down to Earth and have some fun with the local girls down there?
God looked at him sternly and said No way Moses, I did that 2000 years ago and they are still talking about it!
An Asian guy walks into
An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
China won bronze in gymnastics at the Sydney 2000 Olympics but were stripped of the medal after it was revealed that d**... Fangxiao was under the minimum age of 16
And they would have gotten away with it if it weren't for those medalling kids.
An English guys digs the ground 100 feet...
and finds telephone wires, he says this proves that we had telephone 100 years ago. An American guy digs 200 feet and finds telephone wires, he says this proves we had telephone 200 years ago. A Turkish guy, digs the ground 2000 feet and finds nothing, he says this proves that we had cell phones 2000 years ago.
A man at a party sees a very attractive woman
He walks up and says, "You are beautiful and I have to have you. Would you sleep with me for $2,000?"
"Yes." She says.
He walks away and comes back and says, "Would you sleep with me for $20?"
She gets angry and says, "What kind of woman do you thing I am!?"
Guy says, "We've already established that. Now we are simply negotiating the price. "
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish
But h**... made 6,000,000 jews toast
A poll was taken by 2,000 prostitutes asking if they would have s**... with Ted Cruz.
91% said 'Never Again .
I don't know why people say building a wall doesn't work
The chinese did it 2000 years ago and they still don't have any mexicans.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
Two kilomockingbirds
(credit goes to my old physics book)
professor gave us a 2000 word essay...
So I gave him two pictures.
Gods Vacation
The gods were planning on where to spend their next vacations; Shiva suggested: "what about Neptune?", then Ala said: "It's too cold!"; Zeus then suggested: "Let's go to Mars!", then Buddha replied "Nah, we went there last time!". So someone spoke "What about Earth?", for God to reply: "no way, Earth people like to gossip too much. I went there 2000 years ago, had a thing with a v**... and they're still talking about it!"
A Japanese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.
The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Japanese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"
My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have s**... in the m**... for the sole purpose of procreation
2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on
Not everything Donald Trump says is s**....
The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!
So, the God decides he needs a vacation...
He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 years ago, mate, made one chick pregnant.
They still keep talking about this...
Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.
No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.
Jesus fed 2000 Jews fish and bread.
h**... made 6 million Jews toast.
A fortune teller warned me that I'll lose $2000 today
Then she charged me $2000 for fortune telling
There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator
Dad: There's a job listing here for a crematorium operator.
Son: How does that work, do you need a degree for that?
Dad: I think you need about 2000 degrees.
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Jesus Christ may have fed 2000 people with bread and wine...
But Adolf h**... made 6 million Jews toast
I saw a stranger in an alley
I saw a stranger in an alley, and decided to give him $2000.
You should have seen the smile on my face when he put his gun away.
20,000 Dots
Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots, my Art teacher said, but I only see one. They're on top of each other. I explained.
Hi I'm Bill Gates! Today we're gonna learn how to count to 10.
1.01,1.02, 1.03, 1.04, 2.03, 2.10, 2.11, 3, 3.1, 3.2, 95, 98, 2000, ME, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 8.1, 10.
A son asks his dad what is the difference between practical and theoretical
The tells the son to bring his sister. He then tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your brother?' 'For a thousand, yes!' She answers. The dad then tells the s**... to bring his mother. He tells her: 'For $1000, would you sleep with your son?' 'Foe a thousand, yes!' She replies. The dad then tells his son: 'You see, theoretically, we have $2000, practically, we have two w**...!'
Bill Gates recently visited a kindergarten and taught the children how to count to ten.
"1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10."
2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars
2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.
God wants to take a vacation
But he has no idea where to go. His archangel, Michael, is helping him decide.
"How about Pluto?" He asks
"Nah, it's too cold there."
"Well, what about Saturn?"
"Nah, not a fan of the rings."
"Well then how about Earth?"
"Are you kidding me? I vacationed there 2,000 years ago, accidentally knocked this chick up, and they're still talking about it!"
The cost of dropping your phone on the floor
If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.
If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.
If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.
Jesus and h**... both were tasked with making a meal for the poor
Jesus made 2,000 people fish and h**... made 6 million people toast.
All I'm saying is the Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago
...and they still don't have any i**... Mexicans.
I don't know why everyone thinks the wall won't work.
China built one over 2000 years ago and they STILL don't have any Mexicans.
Why is h**... a better person than Jesus Christ?
Jesus Christ fed 2000 jews with 5 loaves of bread, while h**... made 6 million Jews toast
The best bet ever made
One day, a man went to his boss and said, "I bet you $2,000 that I can pee in that cup over there 30m away". The boss replied, "Deal!". The man proceeded to pee all over the floor. The boss is dancing with joy, as the secretary walks in and says "F*c**...". "What?" asks the boss. "HE BET ME $400,000 THAT HE WOULD PEE ALL OVER YOUR FLOOR AND YOU'D BE HAPPY ABOUT IT!"
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
How much does 2,000lbs of bone weigh
a skeleton
A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000
The daughter asks "What kind is it?"
"It's 5:45 dear"
I bet in 2000 years they're gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they'll find a Nokia still on half battery.
What's 2000lbs of Chinese soup called?
Won-ton
Trumps wall is fool-proof...
Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.
I got a new iPhone, some w**... and $2000 just today.
It's like this gun is magic
We all can do better to help save the planet
With this in mind, i've just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.
Its over 2000 pages long.
What's the difference between a guy dying on a cross and a cow?
You can't milk a cow for 2000 years.
After 10 Years man come to home and find his wife
A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!" The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed. "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $2,000 a year!"
Come to think of it, it's a good thing Bush won the 2000 election over Al Gore...
Now we have to deal with Bushisms... otherwise we would have had to deal with Algorithms!
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
2020 is like when you where playing SIM CITY 2000
You got bored and started clicking on all the disasters menu options at the same time
Cincinnati Bengals allowing 2,500 fans into the stadium for the first game.
Word is, now they're looking for 2,000 volunteers to attend the game.
Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway
The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"
Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."
The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"
•
Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."
A man realized he needed to pu...
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".
So we hated congress a few days ago for not giving us $2000 but today we love then after the riot yesterday...
...so abusive relationships do work
A man walks into a museum.
While wandering, he trips and breaks a vase.
He panicks and picks the pieces up.
But the curator appears and almost has a heart attack.
"What have you done! that vase was 2000 years old." He shrieks.
"Oh thank God." The man sighs in relief. " I thought it was brand new."
A cannibal attends a restaurant ran by another cannibal
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and browsed the menu:
\*Grilled Tourist $5.00
\*Broiled m**... $10.00
\*Fried Explorer $15.00
\*Diced Marine $20.00
\*Baked Politician $1000.00
The cannibal called a waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for politicians?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s**... that it takes all day!"
There are 2.000000000001 kinds of people in the world
Those who have dealt with floating point, and those who have not.