200 Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious 200 puns

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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A married couple are in bed one morning.

"I had a really good dream last night, says the wife. I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for $100 each and thick dicks were going for $200.

Really? says the husband. What would mine have fetched?

They were giving dicks like yours away for free, says the wife.

That's funny, actually, he replies, because I had a dream that I was at a vagina auction. Juicy cunts were going for $500 and tight cunts were going for a grand.

How about mine? asks the wife.

That's where they were holding the auction.

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My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...

I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.

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Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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forgive me father for i have sinned...

... "go on" says the priest.
"I swore the other day" says the man.
"continue" says the priest.
"I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway".
"and this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.
"this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.
"No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man.
"Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore"
"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole"
The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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A boy went up to his father and said, "Your secret is out now dad. It's no use hiding it."

His father's face went pale. He gave the boy $100 and told him to keep quiet about it.

Happy that the trick worked, he then went to his mother and said, "Your secret is out now mom. It's no use hiding it." Just like his dad, his mom was shocked too. She gave the boy $200 and told him to keep quiet about it.

Excited, the boy thought who should he try the trick on next when he saw the postman outside his house. He approached the postman and said, "Your secret is out now mister. It's no use hiding it." The postman, completely shocked, hugged the boy and said, "I am glad you finally know it son."

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What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

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Is it OK to hate certain races?

Try as I might I just can't get myself to like the 200 meter dash.

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New hooker in town.

Bill and his wife Julie were going through financial crisis. Bill suggested Julie to become a hooker.

Julie was not sure how to start that, so Bill said, "Stand near that pillar and pick up a guy. Tell him your rate is $200. If you got any question, I'll be parked around the corner".

Within couple of minutes a black guy pulls up and asked, "How much?"
"$200"
"Shigh, I have only $120"
"Hold on"... wife runs back to Bill.
"What can he get in $120".
"A handjob" Bill said.


Wife runs back and tells the guys he will get a handjob in $120. Black guy agrees. She gets in the car, he unzips his pants and here is the biggest schlong ever.

She stares it for a minute and says, "Hold on, I will be right back".

She runs back to her husband and says, "Bill can you please lend him $80"

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A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. It is $2.50 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

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A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she had already "conned" this particular gentleman.) "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.

She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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Parking a single car doesn't require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 50" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the second ho "Where's the 200 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 100" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the first ho "Where's the 300 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 200" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fourth ho "Where's the 400 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 300" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fifth ho "Where's the 500 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 400" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me....

Keep going in this vein until someone interrupts you to say "wait, you said he only had 3 hos" at which point you slap them and say "BITCH, don't correct me.

Yes I have gotten my ass kicked for telling this joke, but it was way worth it.

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A Brit, American and South African Joke

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years
They came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British
One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Thabazimbi , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo, fokol (f*** all). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

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A little boy's friend tells him:

"If you say to adults 'I know about it all', they'll give you anything."
So of course he goes home and says to his dad: "I know about it all". The dad hands him 100 bucks and tells him "but don't tell mommy".
The kid, stoked, goes to his mom and says: "I know about it all". The mom hands him 200 bucks and says "Please don't tell daddy".
Then the bell rings, and the kid opens the door to find the mailman outside. The kid tells him "I know about it all".
The mailman happily drops the package he's holding and yells "Well say hello to daddy!

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0 to 200 in 6 seconds


Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

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So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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A farmer had 196 cows in his field

When he rounded them up he had 200

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

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Terrorists

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Cars were at a stand still. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they're asking for a $200 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."

"How much is everyone else giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Eh, Roughly a gallon."

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?" The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? " She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, "Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger."

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Father Joseph, a missionary, was touring the African village in which he lived, when suddenly a man came up to him.

"Father Joseph!" the man demanded. "Everyone is black in this village, but my son was recently born white! You are the only white man within 200 miles! Explain yourself!"

Father Joseph sheepishly answered, "Now, uh, don't judge too harshly," and pointed towards the goats. "You see, goats are normally white and that one was born black! It's just one of nature's mysteries that you have to accept."

"Oh, I understand, Father Joseph," the black man said. "I stop talking about the white child, and you stop talking about the black goat, OK?"

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A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor".

And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

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The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.

The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years.

The KGB team goes next. They hold the mummy for a week, and then come up with this: it was Pharaoh Ramenhotep the Second, born 1022 BC, became king after murdering his uncle, ruled for five years, on the third year of his reign the Nile flooded Luxor, on the fourth year the hittites attacked.

Everyone is perplexed: "How did you find all this out?"

"He confessed"

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What's the difference between an Australian and a pot of yogurt?

Leave a pot of yogurt in the sun for 200 years and it develops a culture.

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Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

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Tell this as a real story, and you will get a groan out of pretty much everybody.

About 200 dead crows were found near Regina, and
there was concern for Avian Flu. They had a Bird Pathologist examine the
remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the
crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car
impact. The Province then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine
the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.
When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby
tree, to warn of impending danger. His conclusion was that the lookout crow
could say "Cah," but he could not say, "Truck."

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The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll grow a culture

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Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.

Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its hilarious.

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A farmer counted 198 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

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An Asian Man Walks Up to A Bank Teller To Exchange Yen for Dollars....

The teller gives him $180.

The Asian man complains: "But yestaday, I get $200. Why less today?"

The teller shrugs and replies: "Fluctuations"

Livid, the Asian man yells "Well, fuck you Americans too!"

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A blind man walks into a bar

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,

Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,

Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6β€² tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?

The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

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A farmer was counting his cows....

A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.

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My wife asked me to get her something that goes from 0 to 200 in six seconds for her birthday.

So I got her a bathroom scale.

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Put 100 lesbians and 100 government workers in a room, what do you get?

200 people who don't do dick

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I was in a job interview today. The interviewing manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." ...

So I put the laptop under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours."

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Job Interview

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me".

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.

Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!"

I said, "$200 and it's yours".

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My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

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Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

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A farmer counted 196 cows in the field

But when he rounded them up, he had 200

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The Montana Department of Employment

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

RANCHER: Well, there's my hired hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here.

He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

AGENT: That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.

RANCHER: That would be me.

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A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them....

..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.

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The Crow Mystery

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

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The Funeral Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

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A guy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit by you?

The girl answered with a loud voice, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOUUUU!!!!!!

All the students in the library looked up at the guy and he was embarrassed. The girl whispered to him; I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. You're embarrassed, right?

The guy responded with a loud voice, $200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!?? THAT'S TOO MUCH!!!!

...And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy leaned down and whispered in her ear I study law, and I know how to make someone feel guilty.

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A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.

The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.

Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"

The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

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Right now, my wife has a smoking hot bod...

The ash scattering ceremony starts at 2:00 PM.

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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old living in Namibia, he only has 1 leg, 1 eye and 1 arm. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal....

If you send just $2.00, you get the video for it. It's fucking hilarious.

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Working holiday

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. I can earn $200 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do for you for free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where are you going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you can live on $200 a year."

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What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called?

A bisontennial.

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A joke Bob use to tell me

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

*

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$200

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

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City Farmer

A city type moves to the country and decides he wants to be a farmer. So he goes to the local farm shop and tells the man: "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The farm shop worker complies. A week later the man returns and says: "Give me 200 baby chickens."

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says: "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow," the farm shop worker replies. "You must really be doing well."

"Nah," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."

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What has 200 legs and 40 teeth?

The first row at a Trump rally.

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Can you spare just $2.00?

Can you spare just $2? Djimon is a nine year old boy living in Kenya. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he has to ride seven miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only one pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – it's fucking hilarious.

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Marriage Problems

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

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What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all on their way to heaven

One day, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were on their way to heaven.

God told them that there were 1,000 stairs to reach heaven, and on every stair he would tell them a joke. If they laughed, or even just smiled, they would not make it into heaven.

The redhead managed to make it to the 45th step before laughing.

The brunette reached 200 and cracked a smile.

The blonde made it all the way to the 999th step and burst out in laughter before God had even told his joke.

"Why are you laughing when I haven't even told my joke yet?" God asked the Blonde.

"I just got the first one!" she answered.

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A man walks into a lawyer's office...

The man says, "I can't afford your hourly rate, but if I give you $200 will you answer two questions for me?"

The lawyer says, "Absolutely - what is your second question?"

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A farmer was counting his cows

A farmer was counting his cows and found out that he had 196, but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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A boy offers a girl $100 to climb a pole

She agrees and climbs the flagpole. When she gets home she tells her mother what happened. Her mother said "honey, he just wanted to see your underwear." The next day the same boy was standing by the flagpole and said "I will give you $200 to climb the flagpole." Again she agrees and climbs. She goes home and tells her mother "mom the boy paid me to climb the flagpole again, but I outsmarted him this time. I didn't wear any underwear."

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My black girlfriend told me this on our first date.

What do you call 200 black people in a barn?

Antique farm equipment.

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Ravens

Humorous story from the web:

Researchers for the Western Australian Main Roads Department found over 200 dead crows on the Great Northern Highway recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and confirmed that it was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during the analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The MRD then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The O.B quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".

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I killed a kid while stationed in Afghanistan

So me and my buddies asked a village elder if we could buy a kid as a joke. We didn't think he'd actually sell. $200. So we bring him back to our patrol base then realize...we can't keep this fucking kid. What will we do with him? So we decided we had to get rid of him. Cut his throat, drained all his blood, then butchered him like he was a deer. Threw him on the grill and ate him.
Goat meat isn't bad. Kinda chewy.

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Two Jewish men are walking down the street.

They notice a sign outside a church that reads, "$200 to covert to Christianity."

One of them asks, "Well, you want to give it a shot?"

"Nah", the other responds.

"I'm not really religious anyway; I'll take their money" says the first.

An hour goes by and he comes walks back out and sees his friend waiting by the doors. "Did you go through with it?" the friend asks.

"Yup."

"So? Did you get the money?" asks the friend.

"Is that really all you people think about?"

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A husband was in big trouble...

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

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A man goes to confession...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned...

"Go on" says the priest.

"I swore the other day" says the man "I was on the golf course the other day and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway"

"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.

"No Father, my ball the ricocheted off the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man.

"This must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed.

"No Father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" the man continued.

"Ahh I see" says the priest "This must have been the point where you swore"

"Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from it's mouth and landed two feet from the hole"

The priest pauses for a few seconds "You missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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What is heavier? 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers.

Bricks are just bricks. But if you carry 200 pounds of feathers you have carry the weight of what you've done to those poor birds.

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A Japanese woman is trying to exchange Yen for Dollars at a bank

With a baffled look on her face, she angrily demands, Yesterday, it was 180 Yen to a dollar, today it's 200. Why is that?
The banker responds, Fluctuations
The woman snaps back, Well, fuck you white people, too!

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What has 200 legs and four pubic hair?

The first row at a Justin Bieber concert.

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A joke from my 70 year old grandfather

A rich man decides to buy a coal mine, and needs to hire 20 men. He sends out fliers and posts job listings in newspapers, and over 200 men show up to interview for the job. the rich man interviews all the men and decides on the 20 he is going to hire, turning the other 180 away. As he is turning the 180 away, a small Chinese man comes running up to the rich man asking for a job. He explains that he has a family and no job to support them with, since he has just immigrated from China. The rich man feels bad for the Chinese man and decides to hire him in a special position. He tells the Chinese man "You're in charge of the supplies. Make sure the workers get their supplies."

A week later, no coal has been mined. The rich man is furious and goes down to the miners. "Why is there no coal being mined? I'm not paying you to sit around." The workers respond that they never got any supplies. Now the rich man is pissed. He wants to know where the Chinese man is. He calls the man, no answer. They all decide to go into the mine and start to look for him. After about 20 minutes of searching, the workers all start to get bored, and decide to go home, when suddenly, the Chinese man jumps out of the dark and yells "Supplies!"

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3 Guys on Leave ( NSFW )

Three guys who are on leave from the Army, arrive at a whore house. They haven't had any action in a long time, so they are eager to get laid.

The madam of the house tells the three men, "Well, we have a $100, $200 and $300 special".

The first guy said, "I'm a bit lean on money. I'll take the $100 special." This hot chick escorts him to a back room and in about 15 minutes, he comes out with a satisfied look on his face. The other two guys ask him "Well.. how was it?"


"Man, it was fantastic! She came out, spread chocolate syrup all over my cock and licked it off! It was great!"


The second guy goes, "Give me the $200 special!" He is escorted to the back room and comes out about 30 minutes later. "Well, what happened?"


"Guys, it was awesome! She poured chocolate syrup on my cock, whipped cream and then licked it all off. It was unbelievable!"


So the last guy says, "Heck, give me the $300 special!". He is escorted to the back room and in about 5 minutes, he comes back with a somewhat grim look on his face.


"What the hell happened?" the guys asked.


"Well, I went in the room... she poured chocolate syrup all over my cock. Then she put whipped cream all over it. Lastly, she added a cherry on top. After that, the damn thing looked so good, I ate it myself."

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Where is Jim?

He forgot his 20th wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Jim got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Jim has been missing since Friday.

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There is a man drowning 100 feet from shore and is crying for help.......

A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.

A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can't and drowns.

A libertarian shows up and shrugs it isn't my problem and just goes away; the victim drowns.

A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.

A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.

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What's the difference between a $20 prostitute and a $200 prostitute?

When the $20 one swallows, it's because she's hungry.

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A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?

Man: Ive visited the doctor

Friend: What did he say?

Man: 200 Dollars

Friend: Yeah, but what do you have

Man: I have 50 dollars

Friend: I Mean whats the problem?

Man: 150 dollars

I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

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A Farmer and his cows

A farmer counted his Cows before taking them to auction and counted 196 of them. But when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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What's the difference between America and cheese?

If you left cheese out for 200 years it would have grown a culture.

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A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars out of his own pocket. The next time he saw Cohen the rabbi gave him the money and said, "Here, God sent this to you!"
Back home Cohen was grateful. "Thank you Lord," he said. "But next time can you not send it thru Rabbi Schomburg? That crook kept half of it!"

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A man went to a priest..

"Father, I have sinned.". "Go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway". "and this is when you swore?" asked the priest. "No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough" continued the man. "this must have been when you swore?" the priest exclaimed. "No father, not yet. As i was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it" continued the man. "Ahhh I see" says the priest "this must have been the point where you swore" "Nope not yet, as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed two feet from the hole" The priest pauses for a few seconds "you missed the fucking putt didn't you?"

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What's the difference between America and a pot of yogurt?

If you leave a pot of yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.

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Another Smart(ish) Blonde Joke

Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, what's the game about?"

Lawyer: "I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you need to pay me $20. Then you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer I'll give you $200. Deal?"

Blonde: "Ok, sounds great! What's your question?"

Lawyer: "What's the square root of 625?"

*Blonde hands him $20.*

Lawyer: "What a shame the answer was 25, what's your question?"

Blonde: "What's triangular, but actually square with a hole in the middle, has three legs and runs up and down the hill?"

Lawyer at this stage starts to sweat a bit, tie feeling a bit tight, takes his smart phone and starts Googling the crap out of this, can't find a thing... Talks to a few of his golf buddies, couple of CEOs, rings a few Zoos, finally he gives up and hands over $200.

The blonde takes the money.

After a while the lawyer starts losing his patience and sais: "ok, you got me what's the fucking answer???"


*Blonde hands him $20.*

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Blonde Bar

A blind man walks into a bar. He orders a drink and relaxes. Later, he yells to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar is now silent. The man next to the blind man says to him, "I don't think you should tell that joke. That bartender is blond, the person sitting next to you is a professional MMA fighter, I'm blonde and I am 6'5'' and weigh 200 pounds, and the bouncer outside is also blonde. Now, do you really want to tell that blonde joke anymore?" The blind man replies, "No, not if I have to explain it to 4 different people."

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What do you call a 200 year old Buffalo?

A bison-tennial.

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Guy walk up to the bartender...

He takes a shot glass and slams it on the bar and says to the bartender. "I bet you 200 bucks I can stand 10 feet away, piss into that shot glass and fill it to the top without getting a drop anywhere else in the bar."

The bartender laughs at the man and agrees to the bet, thinking he'll make an easy 200 bucks.

So the man whips it out and starts pissing all over the bar, the seats, the floor. Not a drop gets in the shot glass.

The bartender laughs hysterically. "Oh man! You didn't get a single drop in the glass you idiot! You owe me 200 bucks!"

The man replies "That's fine, I just bet the guys at that table over there 400 bucks that I could piss all over your bar and you'd be happy about it."

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The rancher had 196 cows

But when he rounded them up he had 200

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I was admiring my naked body in the mirror today, when I said to my wife, "Look at this! 200 pounds of pure dynamite!"

My wife replied, "Too bad about the two inch fuse!"

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600 Story Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

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An accountant and an economist are walking through a forest...

They encounter a frog.

"I bet you $100 you won't lick it," says the economist The accountant, daring, licks the frog and receives $100.

They walk further, see another frog.

"Lick this frog, and you get your $100 back!" says the accountant. The economist looks at his friend in the eye, licks the frog and retrieves his $100.

"What was the point of this exercise? We've both done something disgusting, and we're no better off!"

"We have grown the local economy by $200!!!" says the economist.

"Yeah but we owe the government $40 each!"

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A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute...

... "For $200, I'll perform any act for you," she tells him, "provided that you can describe the act in three words." The man thinks about the offer for less than a moment and gives the woman $200. "OK, tell me what you want me to do, but remember, only in three words," she tells him. The man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says, "Paint my house."

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A Man Walks into a Bar...

And says to the barman "I'll bet you 200 dollars I can piss into that bottle without spilling a drop". The barman knows it's impossible so he agrees. The man attempts it and pisses all over the bar and completely fails.
The barman says " I'll have that 200 dollars now", to which the man says "Sure, one sec." He walks over to some of his friends sitting at a table scowling. They give him something and then he comes back to the barman and hands him the 200 dollars. The barman asks "What was that about over there?".
The man says " I bet the guys over there 600 dollars i could piss on the bar without being kicked out."

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Please, it's for the children

Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg and 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 long miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal.

If you send us just $2.00, we will send you the video...it's fucking hilarious!

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Math class

Teacher asks Johnny:

"Imagine you have $200. And you give $50 to Jane, $50 to Suzi, $50 to Melissa. What would you have?"

"An orgy?"

Edited: names spelling, grammar.

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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

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Bob had forgotten his wedding anniversary and was in trouble.

His wife was really angry.

She told him, Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday

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200Years in the future.

A team of the smartest people on earth go to a distant planet, believed to have life. When they land they're greeted by 3aliens. They speak perfect english.

"Leave outsiders. This is our home planet, only trusted individuals are allowed here!"

The space group is quite surprised by this. Most of them think about turning back and going to earth. When one man in the back of the group, Unseen by the aliens, Shows himself. Upon his sight the aliens appear to become much more peaceful with the humans.

"Oh you brought Dave with you! Why didn't you say so."

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What's the difference between yogurt and America?

When you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

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A cattle rancher thought he had 196 cows...

...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.

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An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the brain of someone who has watched every single "Keeping up with the Kardashians" episodes ever. It's listed at $200.

Alien: Woah, you're trying to rip me off. Why is the brain of someone that dumb worth so much?

Vendor: Simple, because this brain hasn't been used before.

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Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him., he goes up to the madam sat behind the front desk and says "I need a whore"
"Im sorry" replies the madam "but you're too young."
Jonny slaps down 200 quid on the table.
"Hang on" the madam quickly says "I mite have someone for you"
"Ok but I need her to have syphilis!" states johnny.
... "Im sorry but all our girls are clean"
Again Johnny puts 200 quid on table.
The madam remembers she does have a women with syphilis. She gives Johnny directions, so of he pops dragging the dead frog behind him. Ten minutes later Johnny walks past front desk and thanks the madam.
"Hang on" shouts the madam "can I ask you a couple of questions?""Sure" says Johnny
"First, why did you want a women with syphilis and second why you dragging that dead frog round with you?"
"Well" answers Johnny "Ive shagged the whore and caught syphilis, Ill go home and shag the babysitter so she'll get syphilis, my Dad will take the babysitter home shag her and he'll get syphilis , Dad will come home and shag my mum she will get syphilis, then in the morning my mum will shag the milkman and hes the fucker that ran over my frog!"

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An old couple went on holiday to Jerusalem..

...But on the trip the wife died. A local priest then told the husband that he had two options. He could get her buried in Jerusalem for $30, or he could fly her back to their own country and get her buried there for $200. The husband quickly said that he wanted her buried at home. The priest didn't understand this and asked the husband why he didn't just bury her in Jerusalem. After all it was one of the holiest cities in the world, and he could save some money. The husband then told him that long ago a man was buried in this city, and 3 days later he resurrected from the dead, and he was definitely not willing to risk that happening with his wife.

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A man is walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.

"For $200 I'll perform any act you want, provided you can describe it in 3 words."

The man thinks about the offer for a moment then hands over the money and replies,

"Paint my house."

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Talented Octopus

A man walks into a bar with and octopus under his arms. He then stands up on the bar and shouts for everyone inside to hear. "I will bet anyone here 200 dollars that this octopus can play any instrument you give it". Everyone is a buzz and the bartender hands him a guitar that was hanging on the wall. The Octopus takes the guitar and strums on it with great enthusiasm and plays a beautiful arrangement. Another man pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and again, the octopus plays it superbly. A jazz band hands him all of there instruments and the octopus plays them all with amazing skill. Then, a Scottish man wearing a kilt comes up to the octopus and hands it his bagpipes. The octopus, looks at it confusingly then begins to fumble with the instrument. "Ay, you can't play er, can ye" The Scotsman says with a thick accent. The octopus responds "Play her? I'm going to screw her as soon as I get these pajamas off"

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It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."

After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

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2 hearses.

One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.

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$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

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A boss announces to his staff: I've lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I'm offering a 100 dollars finder's fee!

A voice in the background says: I'm offering 200!

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In line at the bank the old asian lady in front of me got in an argument with the teller. . .

"last week I bring 200 dolla, you give me 100 yen. This week I bring 200 dolla you only give me 80 yen! Why?"
The teller said "fluctuations"
"yeah, well fuck you white people too!"

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Two hearse funeral

A man finishes his lunch at the local deli and as he is leaving sees two hearses, a widower with a dog, and 200 men in single file lined up behind him.
Curious, the man walk over and says, "I don't mean to bother you, but what exactly is going on?"
The gentleman replies, "This is my wife's funeral procession."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."
"Don't be," the man says, "she was a complete bitch. She hit my dog and he managed to kill her."
The guy looks at the dog, it seems friendly enough, shrugs it off and says, "Well if your wife is in one of the hearses, who is in the other?"
"My wife's mother. She saw my dog fighting with my wife and jumped in and tried to get him to stop, but he managed to kill her too."
"Wow, that's incredible!" the guy says. "Is there any way I can borrow your dog?"
The owner replies, "Yeah, sure. Get in line."

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A cop pulls over 3 old ladies

A cop pulls over 3 old ladies doing 20 in a 65mph zone. The cop walks up to the window.

"How can I help you officer?"

"Did you realize you were doing 20 in a 65mph zone?"

"I thought we were doing the speed limit. It says so right there." The old woman pointed to a sign.

"Ma'am thats the sign saying you're on interstate 20." Just then the officer noticed the two women in back looked extremely frightened. "What's wrong with them?"

"Oh we must have just come off interstate 200."

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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? [NSFW]

You don't pay $200 to have a garbanzo on your face

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So a blind man walks into a bar..

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."

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What's the difference between and Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave a yoghurt out in the sun for 200 years, it will develop a culture.

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So I walk into a bank...

and as I'm walking through the front door I see an Asian lady, who is clearly irritated and loudly yelling at the teller. She shouts, "I gave you 200 Yuan! Why I only get $32 American?!" The teller shrugs and says; "Fluctuations, ma'am."

The Asian lady's face turns bright red with rage and she yells,

"WELL FUCK YOU WHITE PEOPLE TOO!"

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$200 Bucks It Is...

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

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Indian Style?

A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've

had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'

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The cost of dropping your phone on the floor

If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.

If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.

If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.

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He's a good boy.

A teenage girl is having a heated argument with her mother about her boyfriend, whom the mother does not like at all. "You can ground me, you can take my cell phone, but I am still seeing Roger". "I don't think he's any good" said mom. "He is too a good boy, why else would he be doing 200 hours of community service?".

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A businessman had been away from home for a looooong time.

So, he goes to a brothel and tells the head madam: Listen, I'll give you $200 if you find me a decent girl who can give me an average fuck. The madam told him that for that amount of money she would get him a hot girl who would give him a helluva fuck to which the businessman says: but you don't understand. I'm not horny. I'm just homesick

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Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"

Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"

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A woman donates her plasma for some extra cash.

There is a man in front of her in the line for the cashier. She notices that his check is for $200 as he leaves. She excitedly gets to the cashier. To her surprise, the cashier hands her a check for $50. "Wait a second," asks the woman, "how come he got $200 and I only got $50?"

"Well ma'am, you donated plasma and he donated sperm," replies the cashier.

"Oh I see" says the woman.

A week goes by and the woman returns to the donation center. The same cashier is working again. "Oh it's you again," says the cashier, "back to donate more plasma?"

The woman shakes her head no and says, "uh uh", carefully keeping her mouth closed.

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Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want to go, fine I'll go by myself'


About 30 minutes later the first bat came back with blood dripping out of his mouth, and all over his body.
The second bat says' hey where did you get all that blood?' and the first bat says 'see that tree over there?'
'Yeah' says the second bat...
'Well I didn't', said the first bat.

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A guy goes into a parachute store.....

and sees a row of parachutes selling for $200 and another row of parachutes selling for $6,000. Confused, he asks a salesman what the $200 rigs were for. The salesman says they were for parachuting. More confused, he asked the salesman what the $6,000 rigs were for. The salesman said they were for parachuting twice.

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A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"

This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

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A Second Opinion

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it.

Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears, says the shrink. And I'll charge you only $200 a visit.

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. For $200 a visit? says Lenny. A bartender cured me for $10.

Is that so! How?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed.

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What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?

PGA Tour.

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A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.

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What's the difference between a yoghurt and America?

If you leave a yoghurt for 200 years, it will eventually develop a culture.

Plus the yoghurt's fat free.

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A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer...

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "I would like to ask a few questions", said the client. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "But I have to charge you $200 to answer 2 questions" "Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?" said the suprised client. "Yes it certainly is", said the lawyer, "And what's your second question?"

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What's 2000lbs of Chinese soup called?

Won-ton

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What's heavier 200 pounds of bricks or 200 pounds of feathers?

The feathers. because you have the weight of the feathers and you have to carry around the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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Some friends go to a bar...

When they enter they see a small stage with a donkey standing on top of it. One man asks the bar owner:

"Why is there a donkey on your stage?" The Bar owner replies, "I'm willing to give any man $200 to make that donkey laugh"

The man thinks for a second, goes to the stage and whispers into the donkey's ear. Instantly the donkey bursts into laughter, and laughs all night long even after the friends leave.

A week later the friends come back to the bar and the donkey is still laughing uncontrollably. The bar owner runs up and asks:

"Hey buddy, what the hell did you say to that donkey? He is still laughing. I'll tell you what, you can have $200 dollars to make him cry."

The man walks on stage, takes the donkey behind the stage and when he brings the donkey back, the donkey is bawling. Crying like never before. The bar owner gives up $200 and asks: "You've got to tell how you made him laugh." The man says, "Well I told him I have a bigger penis than him." The bar owner replies, "Fair enough, how'd you make him cry?"

The man then says: "I proved it."

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My sister bet me 200 dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti...

You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!

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Young newlywed couple needs some cash

They decide to let the wife work on the street

So the man drops the wife off at the corner and leaves

The wife got tired and called the man to come get her

The man comes and picks up the woman and he asked her "So, how much did you make"

She says "I made 200 dollars and 50 cent"

Outraged the man exclaimed "What dickhead gave you 50 cents!"

The wife calml y replies "Every single one of them"

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What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies?

A rotisserie chicken

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My local movie theater was robbed of $200 last night.

They stole a tub of popcorn, two sodas and a box of Milk Duds.

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A recent study on crow deaths

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

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What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft?

200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump
2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa

(Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)

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Did you hear about the two car pile up in Mexico?

200 people died.

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The salesman.

A man is walking alone down the street when he is approached by a salesman.

"Hello sir, would you like to buy this mouthwash for $200?"

The man laughs in the salesman's face and keeps walking. The salesman catches up to him and asks again, "ok, sir, how about I give a a better deal. This mouthwash for $100?"

The man says "fuck off" and pushes the salesman away and keeps walking. The salesman stops to think, and runs to catch up with the man again.

"Ok, I see why I may have upset you, and to show that I am sorry I will give you these cookies my wife made for my lunch."

The man takes a bite and says "EW this tastes like SHIT!"

The salesman says "IT IS! You wanna buy some mouthwash?"

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Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!" The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday!

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What are the best 200 puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about 200? Well, here are the best jokes about 200 to have fun with.

Joko Jokes