200 Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious 200 stories

What are the best 200 puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about 200? Well here is a complete list of the top 200 jokes:

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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A woman is packing up and leaving her husband...

and tells him she's moving to Las Vegas. The husband asks, "Why Las Vegas?"

She says from what she understands, she can get $100 for every blowjob she gives. Upon telling her husband this he starts packing as well. The wife asks, "Where are you going?"

The husband says, "I'm going to Las Vegas too! I want to see how you can live off $200 a year!"

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A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

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So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

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What has 200 legs and four pubic hair?

The first row at a Justin Bieber concert.

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What do you call a 200 year old Buffalo?

A bison-tennial.

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Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards.

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So a blind man walks into a bar..

A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."

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So I walk into a bank...

and as I'm walking through the front door I see an Asian lady, who is clearly irritated and loudly yelling at the teller. She shouts, "I gave you 200 Yuan! Why I only get $32 American?!" The teller shrugs and says; "Fluctuations, ma'am."

The Asian lady's face turns bright red with rage and she yells,

"WELL FUCK YOU WHITE PEOPLE TOO!"

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A man and his wife go out to eat...

...as they are being served their food the wife says "if I worked here, I'd weigh 200 pounds!"
The man responds "so you'd loss weight?"

This was an actually conversation by my parents, all in good fun of course.

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What do you call 1 black guy being stalked by 200 white guys?

PGA Tour.

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My local movie theater was robbed of $200 last night.

They stole a tub of popcorn, two sodas and a box of Milk Duds.

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A genie in a bottle grants a man all his wishes

"But", says the genie, "of all the things you wish, your wife gets double."

"I wish for a hundred million dollars!", orders the man.

"So it shall be. Your wife gets $200 million", replies the genie.

"I wish for a Ferrari!"

"A Ferrari for you, two Ferraris for your wife."

The man is not satisfied, so after a minute of thinking, he wishes:

"Beat me half dead!"

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A man walking down the street

A man walking down the street when he is approached by a prostitute.
"For $200 I'll perform any act for you, provided that you can describe the act in three words"

The man thinks about the offer for less than a minute and gives the woman for $200.

"OK tell me what you want me to do, but remember only in three words."
The man replies "Paint my house."

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Blonde, Brunette, Redhead

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are trapped on an island 1000 kilometers from shore, and the only way to get back is to swim.

The brunette goes 200 kilometers, gets tired, and drowns.

The redhead goes 650 kilometers, gets tired, and also drowns.

Then the blonde gets to 999 kilometers, gets tired, turns around and swims back.

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Bum asks a man for $2.00


The man asked, Will you buy booze?

The bum said No.

The man asked, Will you gamble it away?

The bum said, No.

Then the man asked, Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?

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Helicopter crash

A helicopter crashed today over a cemetery on the outskirts of the city. So far the authorities have recovered over 200 bodies.

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The year is 2219

A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.

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3 women of different hair colours get shipwrecked on a small desert island 1km away from a civilised island.

The first woman, who has brown hair, attempts to swim to the civilised island, but only gets 200 metres before getting tired and swimming back. The next woman, with black hair, sees the first one's attempt and also tries. She gets 400 metres before tiring and swimming back. The blonde then has a try, gets 800 metres, tires, and swims back.

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A man walks into a burger joint

He sees a really pretty blonde lady working behind the counter. He looks at the menu, which reads

-Hamburger: $2.00
-Cheeseburger: $2.50
-Handjob:$25.00

He thinks for a second, then asks the woman "Are you the one that gives handjobs?"
She smiles and replies "I am."
"Great. Wash your hands. I want a burger."

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How can you get four suits for under $2.00?

Buy a deck of cards.

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The suicide bombing instructor

It's 2:00 PM at the suicide bomber's academy. The instructor walks into the classroom to address the students:

"Kids, I know you're just back from lunch, and I know you're feeling a bit tired. But please pay very close attention, cause I'm only going to show you this once..."

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If software developers made cars

They would cost $500, get 200 miles per gallon, and once a year would explode. Killing everyone inside.

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2000 years ago somewhere in the Middle East

'I do not care who your father is. When I am out here fishing you do not walk on the water...'

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a Ford?

You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

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What do you get when you drop a fridge down the stairs at 2:00 AM?

Angry neighbours

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why do blacks like the doctor's office?

they operate on black time! 2:00 appointment? pfft show up at 3:30 you'll be straight

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A man walks into a bar...

He bets the bartender $50 he can bite his right eye. The bartender doesn't believe it is possible, so he takes the bet. The man proceeds to remove his glass eye and lightly bite it. The bartender pays him $50.

The man bets the bartender another $50 he can bite his *left* eye. The bartender takes the bet, saying to the man, "There's no way *both* your eyes are glass." The man proceeds to remove his dentures and lightly bite his left eye. The bartender pays him $50.

The man then bets the bartender $200 he could pee into a bottle that is rolling across the floor without spilling a drop. The bartender takes the bet, thinking to himself, "I know for a fact that that is impossible. I can make my money back and an extra 100 dollars!"

The man, instead of peeing in the bottle, pees all over the bar. On the floors, on the walls, on the patrons, on the pool tables, on the glasses, *everywhere*. The bartender is, of course, very happy that this happened. After receiving his money, the bartender notices that the man is also happy. He asks the man, "Why are you so happy? You just lost a lot of money."

The man replies, "I bet those bikers over there $2,000 that I could pee all over your place and you'd be happy about it!"

EDITED

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In Mississippi, Jim-Bob offers to drive a CNN reporter to the scene of a breaking story.

They are flying down the road, and the light turns yellow, then just flips red, but Jim-Bob runs right through. The reporter says, "That was close." Jim-Bob says, "That's the way my brother drives."

Another 200 yards down the street, the light is red, and cars are wating at the light. Jim-Bob swerves into the oncoming lane, and blows through the red light. The reporter, with alarm in his voice, asks, "Why did you do that?" Jim-Bob responds, "That's the way my brother drives."

After 4 more blocks, they are approaching the scene of the story, and there's an intersection where they have a green light. Jim-Bob slams on the breaks and stops.

The reporter says, "What are you doing? We have a green light this time!"

Jim-Bob responds, "Yeah - but my brother might be coming the other way!"

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The Crow Mystery

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The scientific conclusion was that while all the lookout crows could say "Cah", none could say "Truck."

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What is the difference between joghurt and America?

If you leave joghurt alone for 200 years, it will grow a culture!

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A man is driving down the highway when he sees two hearses.

Walking behind the hearses there is a line of 200 men. The man in the car asked the first man in the line "What happened?" The guy then said "My dog went on a vicious rampage and killed my wife and daughter." The man then asked "What happened to the dog?"
"I still have him." The man then thought for a bit and asked "Can I borrow him?" The guy standing behind the hearse then said "Get in line."

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 50" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the second ho "Where's the 200 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 100" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the first ho "Where's the 300 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 200" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fourth ho "Where's the 400 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 300" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me.

He says to the fifth ho "Where's the 500 dollars you owe me" She says "I only owe you 400" *slap* "BITCH, don't correct me....

Keep going in this vein until someone interrupts you to say "wait, you said he only had 3 hos" at which point you slap them and say "BITCH, don't correct me.

Yes I have gotten my ass kicked for telling this joke, but it was way worth it.

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Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him., he goes up to the madam sat behind the front desk and says "I need a whore"
"Im sorry" replies the madam "but you're too young."
Jonny slaps down 200 quid on the table.
"Hang on" the madam quickly says "I mite have someone for you"
"Ok but I need her to have syphilis!" states johnny.
... "Im sorry but all our girls are clean"
Again Johnny puts 200 quid on table.
The madam remembers she does have a women with syphilis. She gives Johnny directions, so of he pops dragging the dead frog behind him. Ten minutes later Johnny walks past front desk and thanks the madam.
"Hang on" shouts the madam "can I ask you a couple of questions?""Sure" says Johnny
"First, why did you want a women with syphilis and second why you dragging that dead frog round with you?"
"Well" answers Johnny "Ive shagged the whore and caught syphilis, Ill go home and shag the babysitter so she'll get syphilis, my Dad will take the babysitter home shag her and he'll get syphilis , Dad will come home and shag my mum she will get syphilis, then in the morning my mum will shag the milkman and hes the fucker that ran over my frog!"

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A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

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Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times saying : "American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French."

A few weeks later, 'The British Archaeological Society of Northern England' reported the following: "After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f&*% all. Charlie has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

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A recent study on crow deaths

A recent study has found over 200 dead crows near Ceduna S. Aus., and there was concern that they may have died from the Avian Flu virus.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he was also able to determine that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with large trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact.

The State hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for the large truck versus car kills.


The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.


When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."

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A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and out comes a genie. The genie says, "I will grant you any three wishes you want, but whatever you wish for I will give your mother-in-law double."

The man agrees to the terms and says, "I wish for a billion dollars." Instantly, he has a billion dollars and his mother-in-law has two billion dollars.

The man then says, "I wish for a 10,000 square foot home on 100 acres." The genie grants his wish and gives his mother-in-law a 20,000 square foot home on 200 acres.

Finally, the man cleverly says, "I wish for you to beat me half to death."

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The plane is falling!

An American, a Mexican and a Chinese man are all sitting on a plane. The flight attendant says "EMERGENCY! WE NEED TO DROP 200 POUNDS OFF THE PLANE OR WE WILL FALL"

Chinese man - "Oh, I throw off rice, we have too much of this in our country!"

Mexican - "No! I throw off cheese and beans, too much of these in our country!"

American - *The American shoves the Mexican off the plane* "We have too much of these in our country!"

No, I am not racist, but if a joke is racist, but good, I will recite it. I heard this from a Garrys Mod user named "Toytles" while playing Life Punch's jailbreak game mode.

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The Funeral Dog

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...

The Jewish man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

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A Man Walks into a Bar...

And says to the barman "I'll bet you 200 dollars I can piss into that bottle without spilling a drop". The barman knows it's impossible so he agrees. The man attempts it and pisses all over the bar and completely fails.
The barman says " I'll have that 200 dollars now", to which the man says "Sure, one sec." He walks over to some of his friends sitting at a table scowling. They give him something and then he comes back to the barman and hands him the 200 dollars. The barman asks "What was that about over there?".
The man says " I bet the guys over there 600 dollars i could piss on the bar without being kicked out."

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Best Obama joke Ive heard in a while

so Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are in airforce one, Obama turns around and says "I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window and make someone very happy". Michelle Obama turns and says "I could throw 10 $10,000 bills out the window and make 10 people really happy". Oprah said "Ill beat both of you, I can throw 100 $10,000 bills out the window and make 100 people really happy". Then the pilot turns to them and says "Yeah but i could crash this plane and make 200 million people REALLY happy!"

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A motorcycle, a van, and a car bet against each other to see who would best whom in an endurance race.

The rules were set, and each vehicle was to drive 200 laps around a quarter mile track. Each vehicle agreed to this and the race began. After 10 laps, the motorcycle was in the lead against the car and the van by a large margin. Around 50 laps, he had started to loose ground against the car, and was only ahead of the van. 150 laps into the race, the motorcycle pulls into the pit stop and declares that he is quitting the race. When asked why, his only response was, "It's because I'm just two tired."

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The half-wit

A man owned a small farm in Norfolk.

The Department of wages claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the rep.

'Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him 200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her 150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about 10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to...the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

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600 Story Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.

Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.

The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

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Why can't you be good?

How can I be good...? Tarzan was walking around naked, Cinderella used to come home at midnight,Pinocchio was lying all the time,Aladdin was a thief,Batman was speeding 200 miles/hour, Snow White was living with 7 men, Popeye used to smoke and he was tatooed...It's not my fault, it's my childhood.

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Indian Style?

A Canadian Indian picks up a hooker.

'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he asks.

'$100,' she replies.

He says 'Do you do Indian style?'

'No' she says.

'I pay you $200 to do it Indian style'

'No', she says, not knowing what Indian style is.

'I pay you $300'

'No', she says.

'I pay you $400'

'No', she says.

So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it Indian style.'

She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've

had every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.

How bad could Indian Style be?''.

So she agrees and has sex with him.

They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position.

Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly is 'Indian style'?'

The Indian replies 'You send da bill to da Government'

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A joke Bob use to tell me

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

*

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Three prostitutes where sitting around and discussing their trade...

It was a daughter, her mother and her grandmother.

The daughter said, "You know, it's getting really hard out there. I have to charge $200 just for a blow job. And that's doesn't even cover groceries for the month."

The mother said, "Well, let me tell you something, I had it much harder then you, honey. Back in my day, I had to charge $50 dollars for a blow job. Could barely make enough for rent, let alone food "

The grandmother said, "Hell, both of you are lucky! Back in my day, I was lucky if I got a hot drink."

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Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sure enough starts singing the national anthem at the same time. The man pays his $200 and walks away slightly confused, but very relaxed.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions another man. "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." She brings him to the closet, performs her amazing feat, and collects her money from the flabbergasted stranger.

The next night, the same woman comes into the bar and propositions the same man from the 1st night (having forgotten she had already "conned" this particular gentleman.) "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." Being somewhat wiser, the man agrees, but asks to go to his car briefly before she starts. He grabs the small flashlight out of his glovebox, so that THIS time, he can see what the promiscuous woman is doing to accomplish this amazing trick.

She takes him into the closet, and begins to suck his dick and sing the national anthem. Just as she started the part about ramparts, the man clicks on the flashlight and there he sees a glass eye-ball rolling around on the table.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best 200 jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about 200. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty 200 gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these 200 jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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