2 Piece Jokes

Dog rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.

Tickle me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Ireland which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning
to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the
little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you
yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth....

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth. They both want control of the earth, so they come up with this plan. They will have a dog fight in five years; what ever country wins this dog fight gets control of the earth. So the Russians ,having control of Europe, take the biggest, meanest Siberian wolfs and German shepards and breed them over and over until they get the perfect batch of pups. Then they train them make them mean and then breed them using new enhancement technologies. This goes on and on until the event comes then they pick they're biggest, meanest, and strongest pup at prime age. They go to the event and U.S. shows up with this 30ft long Doxen Terrier. The match begins and this Doxen just rips the Russians dog into pieces. The Russians are dumbfounded they can't figure out how this happened. So they go ask the head U.S. dog official "How did you beat us? We spent 5 years training the biggest meanest dogs we could find and our most advanced using enhancement technologies. Then we come here and your dog rips ours apart in no more than 30 seconds. The U.S. official laughs and says "Thats funny we spent 2 and a half years using our best plastic surgeons trying to get a crocodile to look like a dog!"

10 Blondes and a Puzzle Box

One blonde walked into a tavern one day and asked for a table that will sit 10 and a for a pint. She received her beer and a table that would sit 10. Later 2 more blondes walked in and ask for a pint a piece and sat by the blonde from before. More and more blondes came in until 9 sat at the table. The 10th one walked in with child's puzzle box with a huge grin. She asked for a pint, walked to the table and slammed the box into the center of the table. All 10 blondes began to drink hard and chant "51 days!!" The other customers became mad and asked the barkeep to stop their chanting. The barkeep walked up to the blonde that brought the puzzle box and asked, "Before I kick you out, tell me one thing, why are you chanting?" The blonde grinned and said, "Well us blondes have be racially descriminated for so long that my friends and I decided to prove everyone wrong. This puzzle box says 2-4 years and we solved it in 51 days!!"

America

How to rescue the economy:
Dear President Obama,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".

Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...

He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

a magician has a show on a cruiseboat..

So this magician has gotten himself a gig at a cruiseship.
When the ship is out on the open sea the show starts featuring himself and his parrot.
He is performing his first trick a TADAAA a whole deck of cards flips out thin air. the parrot shrieks loudly "those cards were in his left jacketsleeve, they were in his left jacketsleeve!"
Ok well, time for trick #2, the magician pulls a whole bouquet of flowers out of his hat and the parrot start shrieking "those flowers were in his pockets, those flowers were in his pockets!"
The magician reacts a bit annoyed by the parrot spoiling all his tricks, but he doesn't have alot of time to be angry, because the ship capsizes, drowns, and everyone on board is dead.
Except the magician and his parrot. They are floating on a piece of wreckage and just sort of look awkwardly at each other untill finally the parrot says "Ok fine, I give up, where is that boat?"

A woman has an affair..

A few weeks go by and the woman realizes she is late on her period. So she calls the man over to her house to discuss the issue.
"How could you let this happen?? If I have a child from you, you're going to provide for it!" The woman says.
"Of course, of course," the man replied. "If you have a son, I will give him two factories and 4 million dollars to set him for life. If it's a daughter, I'll give her 10 million dollars and have the CEO paycheck go straight to her for her life. If there are twins, I'll give each a factory and 2 million a piece."
The woman, stunned, says, "well what if it's a miscarriage?!"
Then the husband walks in and looks at the man and says "well then you better screw her again!"

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the celebrating group, and notices something even odder; a children's jigsaw puzzle with about 20 pieces at most, completed and sitting in a beautiful frame. He taps one of the blondes on the shoulder.
"Excuse me," he says, "But what is the big celebration for?"
With a big grin on her face, she points down at the puzzle.
"We're celebrating our success! See that puzzle? It said "2-4 Years" on the box, but we did it way quicker than that, only 51 days!"

A group of strings go on a night out

They walk up the the first bar and ask for a pint of guinness and 2 carlsbergs. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes. The barman tells the string "we dont serve string here". So the group walk away in a huff. The second string walks up to another bar and asks for the same order. Again, the barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string says yes, the barman tells them they dont serve string. The third string had an idea. He messes up the end of his hair and walks up to the third bar. The barman asks "are you a piece of string?" The string replies "no, im a frayed knot."