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2 Minutes Jokes

110 2 minutes jokes and hilarious 2 minutes puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 2 minutes that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest 2 Minutes Short Jokes

Short 2 minutes jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 2 minutes humour may include short 2 min jokes also.

  1. My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
  2. I'm so proud of my 18 year old son I gave him a puzzle that said "2-3 years" on it and he completed it in 2 minutes.
  3. I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.
  4. I asked my wife if I could play doctor I left her waiting 45 minutes then gave her 2 minutes of time
  5. A vegan, a CrossFitter , and a lesbian walk into a bar... I know this because they announced it within 2 minutes of being there.
  6. My wife and I sometimes roleplay in the bedroom with me as a weatherman I forecast 6+ inches lasting for a couple of hours. It ends up being less then 4 and is over in 2 minutes.
  7. The pizza roll box says "Let stand for 2 minutes" after cooking But all they want to do is lay there.
  8. What do the kentucky derby and a wedding have in common? They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.
  9. What does a spoiled brat need to break a laptop in 1 minute? 1. Laptop
    2. One minute
    Real life story.
  10. Did you know, it took 2 hours and 40 minutes for the Titantic to submerge underwater? Let that sink in.

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2 Minutes One Liners

Which 2 minutes one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 2 minutes? I can suggest the ones about 10 seconds and 5 minute.

  1. What's the biggest lie in American history? You have 2 minutes uninterrupted.
  2. What's it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service? Quick mass
  3. How does a cake show emotions? It tiers up.
    (My cake day ends in 2 minutes.. I forgot)
  4. I ordered take out and it came in less than 2 minutes. It reminded me of you.
  5. I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes. I think that's a record.
  6. I treat my women like I treat my sirloin steaks 2 minutes on each side.
  7. I broke the 2 hour Marathon record... I did it in 1 hour and 240 minutes.
  8. Chuck Norris beat the light speed by 2 hours and 23 minutes.
  9. It takes me 2 weeks to finish a book. It took Al-Qadea 120 Minutes to finish the WTC.
  10. What sentence did the man who took 2 minutes to turn around get? Man*slowturn*.
  11. Help! I can't take off my girlfriends bra And she's home in 2 minutes
  12. I like my s**... like my pirate warrior games . Over in 2 minutes
  13. It's weird, sometimes s**... lasts for like 2 minutes. And at other times it's over so fast.
  14. Yo Mama's so s**... because it too her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

2 Minutes Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about 2 minutes you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 30 seconds jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 2 minutes pranks.

One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are all asked the same question: If a piece of metal is 2 ft away from a car and is moved halfway there once a second (it moves 1 ft, then .5 ft, then .25 ft...), how long will it take for the metal to touch the car? The physicist says never. The mathematician says never. The engineer says in about a minute, it'll be close enough for all practical applications.

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux

...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to "rebuffer", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

the newlyweds go to the hotel swimming pool...

The guy goes to the diving board and performs a 2 1/2 sommersaults with 2 twists backwards.
-"Whoa, that was impressive," says the wife when the man comes back.
-"I was a double medallist in London olympics, dear".
So the woman dives in and does 90 lenghts of the pool in 2 1/2 minutes.
-"Baby, that WAS impressive", says the husband.
-"I was a p**... in Venice, dear"

Any love for a dry sense of humor?

This was my grandpas all time favorite joke of all time, and when he would tell it he would laugh uncontrollably for a solid 2 minutes.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick!

If you don't like the weather...

in Chicago, wait 10 minutes.
in San Francisco, walk 2 blocks.
in New York, go on vacation.
in Phoenix, move.
in San Diego, you're wrong.

Hide and seek.

A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."

2 Iranian Religious Leaders

...are discussing some of the finer points of sharia law. The first exclaims after a silent minute of intense googling, "Huh, I guess you were right!"
The second says "Ayatoldyah!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Usain Bolt goes to a golf course...

He turns up and walks into the clubhouse to get his membership and play a round.
The receptionist says 'Sorry Sir, we don't allow black people in this golf club.'
'That is ridiculous, its 2014 and you don't allow black people in your golf club?'
'Please don't make a scene Sir, there is another gold club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in.'
'But I'm Usain Bolt!'
'OK then, 2 minutes.'

A republican, a feminist, and an atheist walk into a bar...

I know because they told everybody within 2 minutes of walking in

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace she reaches into her imaginary back pocket and says, "Here you go." :/

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: okay, give me 5 seeds
man: That is 10$ sir
PO gave man the money and ate the seeds and 2 min after that he said:
PO: wait a minute, I could have bought like 10 apples for that money and get like 20-30 seeds.....
man: see they already work :)
PO: Wow, give me 5 more!

Sry for bad english

Worst joke you know?

Here is mine:
Who are the fastest readers on earth?
9/11 patients. They can do 87 stories in less than 2 minutes.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How do You Tell if a Woman is a Feminist

If the boring clothes, weight problem, lack of makeup or angry demeanour doesn't give it away, she'll tell you within 2 minutes.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.

A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from s**....
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in i**..., but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have s**....
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have s**... with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why is it bad to be an egg?

You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes you 4 minutes to get hard and only 2 minutes to get soft.
You have to share your box with 11 other guys.
The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

I graduated with a 2:2 in Sports journalism

It would have been a 2:1 but they equalised at the last minute.

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A guy walks into a w**......

A guy walks into a w**... with $2 in his pocket. The man in charge says well for two dollars there's a dead h**... upstairs, you can have your way with her for ten minutes.
Ten minutes later, the patron comes back downstairs and the man in charge asks him how it was.
"It was okay, but the only thing is her nose kept running."
"Ahhh," said the man in charge, "she must be full."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... joke

Wife dressed up as a police woman, handcuffed me to the bed and said I was under arrest for being a s**... god.
Was released 2 minutes later with no charge.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Ed Sheeran is so popular at the minute..

He released a f**... and it went straight to number 2.
It's almost top of the Sharts.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

A cowboy and architect walk into a bar

The architect challenges anyone who can design the best building in 5 minutes
The cowboy accepts the challenge
The architect and cowboy are handed a pen and paper
The bartender counts them down and says "3..2..1.. draw!"
And the cowboy shoots the architect

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The solar eclipse is like my s**... life

it will be dark, hurt your eyes and only last 2 minutes!

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Ferdinand

Ferdinand went to work in France for 2 years.
When he returned, he told his wife:
-I'm sorry Mary, France is full of hot chicks and I couldn't resist. But at the last minute, when I remembered you, I immediately got off the top of them.
She answered:
-I also remembered you a lot sweetheart, but you have to understand that it's easier to get off the top than to get off the bottom.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What's it called when a spy gets a s**... change and then goes out on a job?

A transmission
(Be kind I made this up in like 2 minutes at work)

Thank you for attending today's meeting. Please see the below meeting minutes:

Minute 1: "Hello I'm minute 1"
Minute 2: "Oh it's nice to meet you"

3 guys come back late from a night of drinking...

They met for brunch for the next day.
Guy 1: I drank way to much, first thing I did when I got home I blew Chunks...
Guy 2: That's nothing, I wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.
Guy 3: I beat all of you, I was arguing with my wife and knocked a candle over! It destroyed the whole house.
It went silent for a minute.
Guy 1: I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Knock on the door at 2 AM

A husband and wife are sound asleep, when at 2 AM there's loud b**... on the door and a man shouting Can you give me a push please?
The husband wakes up and hears it, but buries his head under the blankets and tries to sleep again.
A few minutes later, the b**... continues, and the wife wakes up to hear Can you give me a push please?
The wife turns to her husband and says Ah go on, give the man a hand. Wouldn't you be happy if someone helped you when your car broke down?
Reluctantly the husband gets dressed, stumbles down the stairs and walks out the door. Once outside, he can't see the man. He shouts where are you?
The man replies right here, on the swing!

A man messaged his ex : Just now ate a tuna taco and suddenly you came in my mind

She messaged him back : just now ordered a mini hot dog , it came in just 2 minutes. Suddenlu you came in my mind

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why we rarely see male live streaming m**... like camgirls?

Because the stream ends in 2 minutes!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My wife doesn't understand daylight savings time

But hey, who could think straight after being banged for an hour and 2 minutes

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."
The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"
The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I had s**... for 3 hours last night...

We roleplayed as doctor and patient, and I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

h**... killed 2 Jews the first minute, 1 the second, 0 the third, 1 the next minute. Eventually he killed every single one.

But at what Cos(t)?

Research has shown that laughing

For 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

best jokes about Albania, from Romania:

Why the Albanian submarines resurface every 2 minutes? So the rowers can breath.
How do you destroy an Albanian tank? You shot the guy that pushes it.
Why did the Albanians lost the war? The archer was sick.
The Albanians managed to releases on market their fist computer, it's keyboard has 2 b**...: if you pres the first one nothing happens and the second one cancels the command

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
My response was well do you still use condoms as birth control?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

They say that s**... is the best form of exercise

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every three months is going to shift this beer belly.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What does my s**... life and me brushing my teeth have in common?

I always lie about it being 2 minutes

TIL That procrastination stems from 2 basic personality traits

I'll post the link in a minute.

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

What do a doctor's appointment and Reddit video have in common?

You wait 2 hours to see them for 2 minutes.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Here is an OC joke for you

3 boys are at a pool talking about their dads
The first one says:"my dad can hold his breath under water for 50 seconds, bet your dad's can't beat that"
The second kid says"piff, your dad is nothing compared to mine, he can hold his breath for 2 minutes"
The third kid laughs at the first 2 boys and say" you guys think that is impressive? My dad has been under the pool for 2 years and haven't even surfaced to take a breath"

I spent ages doing my homework yesterday. Somewhere near 2 hours.

I spent 1 hour and 55 minuets figuring whether or not it'd be worth a detention. I spent the last 5 minutes thinking of exuses.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed

In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.

After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....

I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.

While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.
I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.
After a few minutes, his mother came and saw him finishing the burger.
She got real angry and started shouting.
"Who is the s**... person who gave him this burger. I drove 20 miles to get him tested on an empty stomach."
I
JUST
RAN.

A man meets a fairy

"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"
The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
The mathematician start writing formulas and within half an hour he announces he can prove that there is a solution.
The lawyer takes the journalist to the side and whispers, how much do you want it to be?

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. o**... turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!
A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.
The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I lost fair and square". The winner says, " Thanks, but I can't take your money. I saw this on the news earlier today".
The loser says, " I saw it too. But I didn't think he'd be dumb enough to do it again".

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time." 2) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1) Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, amen."