2 Minutes Jokes

One morning a boy walks in to class late
His substitute teacher asks him "Where have you been"
He replies "Throwing pebbles at a car"
15 minutes later a girl walks in the teacher asks 'where have you been' she answers "throwing pebbles at a car"
2 hours later a young girl comes in all bruised and dirty the teacher asks "Let me guess you were throwing pebbles at a car" she answers "No miss, I am pebbles"

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist.

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are all asked the same question: If a piece of metal is 2 ft away from a car and is moved halfway there once a second (it moves 1 ft, then .5 ft, then .25 ft...), how long will it take for the metal to touch the car? The physicist says never. The mathematician says never. The engineer says in about a minute, it'll be close enough for all practical applications.

I think a cool anti-hero would be Aeon Netflux

...except during fights she would stop every 2 minutes to "rebuffer", and her selection of moves would be extremely limited.

Any love for a dry sense of humor?

This was my grandpas all time favorite joke of all time, and when he would tell it he would laugh uncontrollably for a solid 2 minutes.
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick!

If you don't like the weather...

in Chicago, wait 10 minutes.
in San Francisco, walk 2 blocks.
in New York, go on vacation.
in Phoenix, move.
in San Diego, you're wrong.

Hide and seek.

A girl was teaching a boy about her own rules at hide and seek: "If you can find me in 20 minutes, you may hold my hand. If you can find me in 10 minutes, you may kiss me. If you can find me in 2, you may do whatever you want to me, and I always hide behind the fridge."

2 Iranian Religious Leaders

...are discussing some of the finer points of sharia law. The first exclaims after a silent minute of intense googling, "Huh, I guess you were right!"
The second says "Ayatoldyah!"

A republican, a feminist, and an atheist walk into a bar...

I know because they told everybody within 2 minutes of walking in

LPT Request: My 2 year old son drew in permanent marker all over the walls

So I took a shower earlier today and left my 2 year old son in the living room with the TV on thinking he would be ok. I come out 20 minutes later and he covered the entire living room in green permanent marker that he somehow got a hold of. As you can imagine, I flipped out and immediately ran to the store to buy cleaning supplies. I tried at least five different types, and scrubbed for at least half an hour but the stain was still there. Does anybody have any good methods for getting blood out of the carpet?

I asked my 2 yr old to "give me a minute".

So my 2 y.o. daughter follows me almost *everywhere* around the house. I walked into the bathroom yesterday and sure enough, there she is 5 seconds later. Frustrated, I said, "Can you please just give me 1 minute?" She says, "Huh? Ok." and right when I think she's going to give me a moment of peace she reaches into her imaginary back pocket and says, "Here you go." :/

Worst joke you know?

Here is mine:
Who are the fastest readers on earth?
9/11 patients. They can do 87 stories in less than 2 minutes.

I graduated with a 2:2 in Sports journalism

It would have been a 2:1 but they equalised at the last minute.

Two nuns are walking down an alley late at night...

When they get approached by 2 men who begin assaulting them. After minutes of the altercation, Sister Mary Sue screams, "Oh dear Lord! Forgive this man for he knows not what he is doing!" Sister Sarah looks up and says, "....Mine does".

My 8 year old brother came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, this is how it went

Bro," what washes up on a tiny beach?"
Me," No idea."
Bro," a microwave."
Followed by about 2 seconds of me not getting it then laughing for a solid minute

I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave...

I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.

A cowboy and architect walk into a bar

The architect challenges anyone who can design the best building in 5 minutes
The cowboy accepts the challenge
The architect and cowboy are handed a pen and paper
The bartender counts them down and says "3..2..1.. draw!"
And the cowboy shoots the architect

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture

The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.
The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

Thank you for attending today's meeting. Please see the below meeting minutes:

Minute 1: "Hello I'm minute 1"
Minute 2: "Oh it's nice to meet you"

A man messaged his ex : Just now ate a tuna taco and suddenly you came in my mind

She messaged him back : just now ordered a mini hot dog , it came in just 2 minutes. Suddenlu you came in my mind

A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...

The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2

Two priests are at a Bucking Bronco contest

The first priest hardly lasts 30 seconds, but the second priest lasts well over 2 minutes and walks away with the prize money.
The first priest says, "I don't know how you do it."
The second replies "One of my choirboys is Epileptic."

A woman went into labor and gave birth to her son in a record 2 minutes! Later that day a nurse goes to check on the new mother. She tells the mother congratulations and exclaims "I can't believe how fast he came!"

The mother replies, "Like father like son"

Research has shown that laughing

For 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

How helping my daughters sell Girl Scout cookies almost got me in trouble.....

I have 2 daughters that were in Girl Scouts. I was helping them sell cookies by asking co-workers if they would like to buy a box or 2.
One uptight co-worker found out that they go for $5.00 started balking about the price. Stating he cannot see spending $5.00 for a few minutes of pleasure.
My response was well do you still use condoms as birth control?

TIL That procrastination stems from 2 basic personality traits

I'll post the link in a minute.

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

What do a doctor's appointment and Reddit video have in common?

You wait 2 hours to see them for 2 minutes.

I spent ages doing my homework yesterday. Somewhere near 2 hours.

I spent 1 hour and 55 minuets figuring whether or not it'd be worth a detention. I spent the last 5 minutes thinking of exuses.

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"

After getting lost in the huge Costco, I couldn't find my wife after25 minutes looking for her....

I went up to a very attractive woman and I told her: I lost my wife
The woman looked at me: I don't know how talking to me is going to help you find your wife
I said, just wait 3, 2, 1... my wife rounds the corner, hey honey what are you doing?

A man meets a fairy

"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" , the fairy asks.
"Another one of those"

A journalist tries to find out how different professions deals with basic math.

So he asks them a simple question: "How much is 1+1?"
The mechanical engineer quickly opens a handbook and say, the handbook says 2, let's make it 3 just in case.
The physicist starts scribbling and after 5 minutes say it's between 1.95 and 2.05 within 3 sigma confidence level.
The mathematician start writing formulas and within half an hour he announces he can prove that there is a solution.
The lawyer takes the journalist to the side and whispers, how much do you want it to be?

Five Things

Here are the five best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk at work: 5) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 4) "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to." 3) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time." 2) "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?" And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1) Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, amen."