1st 2nd Jokes
81 1st 2nd jokes and hilarious 1st 2nd puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about 1st 2nd that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest 1st 2nd Short Jokes
Short 1st 2nd jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The 1st 2nd humour may include short 3rd 4th jokes also.
- Two married man talking.. 1st man: Im so lucky, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Good for you! Mine's still alive. - A guy died and his three friends all owed him $100 each 1st and 2nd friends both put $100 on his coffin and declared repayment even in death. 3rd guy wrote a check for $300 and took the $200 change.
- Two mathematicians were chatting online... 1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120 - Make a wish !! 1st blonde: "What are those things you blow to make a wish ?"
2nd blonde: "Sugar Daddies." - Once there was a mirror that killed anyone who lied... 1st person : I think I dont smoke (died).
2nd person : I think I love my wife (died).
Karen : I think.. (died) - Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl. 1st Message: Let's Breakup Now, Its All Over
2nd Message: Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You - Two hotdogs Two hotdogs were frying in a frying pan. 1st hotdog : "Help help, I'm burning! I will die! Get me out of here!" 2nd hotdog (to himself) : "Jesus Christ, a talking hotdog."
- My 3 sons placed 1st, 2nd and 3rd in a talent contest judged by Lee Kun-hee Jake juggled, Daniel danced and Sam sung
- Girl: Dad, I'm in love, Love at 2nd sight! Dad : What's Love at 2nd sight???!!!
Girl : When I saw him 1st he was buying McChicken...
When I saw him again ...... he was eating it in his Lamborghini - So proud of the children reading, understanding and expressing their 1st amendment rights the other day. But man are they going to be embarrassed when they read the 2nd.
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1st 2nd One Liners
Which 1st 2nd one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with 1st 2nd? I can suggest the ones about 2nd grade and 2nd place.
- I'm ranked 2nd in the world at coin flipping... It was a real toss up for 1st place 😉
1st 2nd Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about 1st 2nd you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 2 step jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make 1st 2nd pranks.
1st man: It is sickening the way my wife keps talking about her ex husband.
.
2nd man: Than's nothing, mine keps talking about her next husband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 boys searching for their lost girlfriends:
1st: How your girlfriend look like?
2nd: 5'6, hot, s**.
.., blue eyes... what about yours?
1st: Forget about mine.. lets search for yours.
After an accident...
1st Driver : I flashed the headlights and told you to let me go first.
2nd Driver : I also started the wipers and said NO NO...
1st Eskimo: "Where did your mother come from?"
2nd Eskimo: "Alaska.
"
1st Eskimo: "Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An airplane was about to c**....
There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die."
So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."
He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just give them another chance!
So... The news reporters decided to end this "Blondes are s**..." myth once and for all. They go to the full football stadium and find three random Blondes.
REPORTER: "We want to end this myth once and for all, so we will ask you a simple question, if you answer correctly, Blondes will be forever free from this prejudice!"
1st BLONDE: "Ok, ask me anything."
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
1st BLONDE: "Ummm..... 5?"
REPORTER: "Wh... Wrong.."
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok.. Ok..." asks the second blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
2nd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 3?"
REPORTER: "NO!"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
REPORTER: "Ok! This is your last chance" asks the third blonde
REPORTER: "What is answer to 2+2?"
3rd BLONDE: "Ummm..... 4?"
Then, entire stadium of blondes starts to shout: "GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE! GIVE THEM ONE MORE CHANCE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Corn
Three guys are walking in the desert. They haven't had anything to drink for almost 3 days. They come across an old shack and knock on the door. An old, fat, hairy, repulsive woman opens the door. They ask for a drink and she says only if you f*c**... me. The first guy says "screw that!" And storms off. The 2nd guy notices a plate of corn on the cob laying on the table. He says only if you keep your eyes closed. So he then proceeds to f*c**... her with the corn until she says stop. The 3rd person does the same. They both throw the corn out the window and they get their water. They go outside and see the 1st guy. They tell him to go inside and get the water. But before they could finish the story he says "screw that! I want more of that butterd corn!"
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
Three Nuns at Pearly Gates.
So three nuns simultaneously die and go to the gates of St. Peter.
Whilst there, St. Peter approaches the nuns and says: "I'm sorry girls, but heaven's getting pretty full now. There's this new policy that I have to ask you guys a religious-trivia question before i can let you in".
The nuns agree. So St. Peter approaches the first:
"What was the name of the first Man?"
The 1st nun replies: "Adam."
Peter: "Right, you're in." The first nun then appears on the other side of the gates.
St. Peter goes to the 2nd nun: "What part of Adam was Eve made from?"
2nd Nun: "The Ribs."
Peter: "Right, you're in."
He goes to the final nun: "Right, I can see that you're the head-nun here so I'm going to ask you a tougher one... What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
3rd nun replies: "Wow, that's a hard one"
"Right, you're in."
Old joke from East Germany.
Three guys work at a factory:
1st guy comes 5 minutes too late for work. Gets arrested for sabotage.
2nd guy comes 5 minutes too early for work. Gets arrested for espionage.
3rd guy comes to work on time. Gets arrested for possessing a West-Uhr. (a watch from the west)
A joke I received from my cousin this morning.
4 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine, kept it started for 5 mins then turned it off again. He then told them"We have reached".
The 1st guy was too drunk.Without saying a word he got out of the taxi.
The 2nd guy gave him money.
The 3rd guy got out and said "thank you".
The 4th guy slapped the driver.
The driver was shocked, he thought the 4th guy knew what he did. But he asked "what was that for"?
The 4th guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us"!
What Does Your Father Do?
It is the first day of kindegarten and the teacher is going around the room asking everyone what their father does for work.
1st Child: My dad is a policeman, he sends bad guys to jail!
2nd Child: My dad is a fireman, he puts out fires!
3rd Child: My dad is dead.
The teacher asks:
Well, what did your father do before he died?
3rd Child: Well, he went "AAAAKKKKKKKKK"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Homer wants to be a cop
Homer applied for a job with the L.A.P.D. The Chief told him everything looked good to hire him but first he would need to answer some questions.
1st Question: "What is one and one?" Homer thought about it for a few minutes and then replied "eleven". Chief scratched his head in disbelief and said "Well, that's sure right."
2nd Question: "What two days of the week begin with the letter T." Homer grinned and quickly replied, "Awe, That's easy, today and tomorrow." Chief just looked shocked and said that's right.
3rd Question: "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Homer replied, "Gosh, I don't know."
The Chief told him, "No problem, go home and work on it and come back tomorrow."
That night Homer was at the bar with his buddies when one asked if he got hired at the PD today.
"Heck, yah"... replied Homer, "And I'm already assigned to a m**... case."
:)
Four surgeons.....
......sat around discussing their favourite patients type.
1st surgeon says, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order."
2nd surgeon says, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order."
3rd surgeon says, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded." The 4th surgeon says, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief. The 4th surgeon continues, "Because they're heartless, gutless, spineless, and the butts and brains are interchangeable."
Three drunks sitting at a bar
Three drunks sitting at a bar discussing who was the most drunk the previous day.
1st drunk says "I was so drunk last night i went home and blew chunks".
The 2nd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I drove home and crashed into a tree, kicked my front door down and woke up in the garden!".
3rd drunk says "that's nothing! I was so drunk last night I stole a police car drove it into my house, threw the TV out of the window and wet the bed!".
The 1st drunk says "I don't think you understood me, Chunks is my dog.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bus full of the worlds most ugly people drives off a cliff..
They all die in a horrible, fiery, e**....
They all go to heaven where they are greeted by an angel who grants all of them one wish to take with them into their next lives.
The 1st ugly spirit steps forward and wishes to be beautiful. The Angel grants his wish and a man in the very back of the line bursts out in laughter.
The 2nd steps forward and wishes to be even more beautiful than the previous spirit. The man in the back laughs even harder.
The 3rd ugly spirit and everyone else in line wishes to be more and more beautiful than the last all while the man in the back of the line laughs himself to tears until finally it comes to be his turn to be granted a wish by the angel.
"What do you wish for in your next life" The Angel asks.
To which the man replies
"I wish that they were all ugly again"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Vampires join a blood-s**... competition..
Whoever is able to drink the most blood in the fastest time, would be declared the winner.
The 1st Vampire runs down the hill and comes back a minute afterwards. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that village over there? I drank all of the people blood there!"
The 2nd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in 30 seconds. He points down the hill and said: "You guys see that farm over there? I drank all of the animals and humans blood there!"
The 3rd Vampire runs down the hill and comes back in less than 5 seconds! His face is covered in blood and he seems out of breath. The other 2 vampires are shocked with this view. The 3rd Vampire said: "You see that telephone post?? I didn't...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two woman in an argument at a clothes store.
**1st Woman:** You should return that leather jacket you just bought.
**2nd Woman:** Why would I do that?
**1st Woman:** because it looked better on the first cow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Great Minds...
A teacher says to her classroom: "There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. You shoot one of the birds...how many birds are left?"
Kid raises his hand and says "None...if you shoot one of the birds, the noise will scare the other two and they'll fly away" The teacher says, "Well that's not the answer we're looking for but I like the way you think!". The kid replies: "Hey Teach, I've got one for you: Three women are sitting on a park bench, all eating Popsicles. The 1st one is l**... hers, the 2nd one is s**... hers, and the 3rd one is biting hers...Which one is married?"
The teacher replies "I don't know: The one that's s**... hers?", and the kid replies "No: The one with the wedding band, but I like the way you think too!"
Make us even
Two good ol' boys in a Georgia trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Kia plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that
make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would
make us even!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An airplane is about to c**... with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and old man and a young boy...
Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.
Barack Obama said I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower! So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the 2nd parachute and exits the plane.
The old man kneels down to the young boy and says, "I am old and frail and I've lived many years, you take the last parachute."
The young boy responds, It's ok! We have enough parachutes. The world's smartest woman jumped out of the airplane with my backpack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An airplane was about to c**... with Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, an old man and a young boy...
Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes left for the 4 of them.
Barack Obama said I am the president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower! So he takes the 1st parachute, and jumps out of the plane.
Hillary Clinton, said I am the future first female President of the United States and I am the smartest woman in the world. So she takes the 2nd parachute and exits the plane.
The old man kneels down to the young boy and says, "I am old and frail and I've lived many years, you take the last parachute."
The young boy responds, It's ok! We have enough parachutes. The world's smartest woman jumped out of the airplane with my backpack.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Another vampire joke.
3 vampires walk into a blood bar.
The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.
The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.
The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used t**... and says "I'm making tea."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murders, but why are there no 90th degree murders?
Because m**... is not right
Mozart
So the year is 1791, and Mozart has just died. It's a big deal in Vienna, everyone is sad blah blah blah blah. A few days after he is buried, someone is walking through the graveyard and hears a strange noise. Intrigued by the noise he follows it until it gets louder, louder, and finally he finds himself standing above Mozart's grave. Naturally this is a matter of curiosity in Vienna, and soon people from all over come to hear this strange sound coming from Mozart's grave. No one can identify the noise coming from the grave, so finally they bring in an expert on Mozart's music to see if he can identify it. After listening for a few minutes, the expert says "Well this is Mozart's 6th symphony, but it's playing backwards." He listens a bit longer and he hears Mozart's 5th symphony, 4th symphony, 3rd, 2nd, 1st but all being played backwards. The people of Vienna ask the expert how this strange music can be coming from the grave. "It's no big deal" he answers. "Mozart is just *decomposing*."
English Joke - Boy or Girl
1st: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
2nd: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
1st: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
2nd: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Tied rakhi to the following boys
2 Guys Were Following 2 Girls
Both Girls Took Rakhi & Tied To Their Hands.
1st Guy To Second-What Will We Do Now?
2nd Guy-U Marry My Sis,
I Will Marry Ur Sis
Two men were talking about their exes...
The first guy was telling his friend about how he broke up with his ex after she pretended to be pregnant just to get attention.
The second guy replied "That's nothing, this one time my ex told everyone she had cancer just to get attention."
1st Guy- "No way man, how did you break up with her?"
2nd Guy- "I didn't have to, she died of cancer..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two drunk men visit a brothel
The madame takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms.These guys are too drunk to notice.
After finishing their act ,on their way back ...
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!
1st drunk: Why would u say that???
2nd drunk: Well i gave a little love bite on her b**........She f**... in my face and flew out of the window.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Vampires meet in a crossroad
The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".
The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".
The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.
He say "You see that pole over there?"
"Yeah.."
"I didn't"
Three programmers go into the bar
Bartender asks: "Everybody will have a beer?"
1st programmer: "I don't know"
2nd: "I don't know"
3rd: "Yes"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Educated Sons
1st son : Degree in Economics.
2nd son: MBA.
3rd son : PhD
4th son : Thief
Neighbour: Why can't you throw the
4th son out of your house?
Father : He is the only one earning money. The rest are unemployed.
Lord Vader, do you know the difference between your 1st and 2nd fight w/ Kenobi?
Obi-Wan, then Obi lost.
Please don't kill me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a flash mob of crows?
Premeditated m**....
What do you call a sunburned m**... of crows?
1st, 2nd, and 3rd degree.
Four students are asked what they wanted to be when they grew up
1st student: I want to be a teacher, so I can teach my fellow countrymen
2nd student: I want to be a doctor, so I can cure my fellow countrymen
3rd student: I want to be a lawyer, so I can protect my fellow countrymen
4th student: I want to be a countryman
Why the 4th of July?
J is the 1st,
U is the 2nd,
L is the 3rd,
Y is the 4th
Happy 4th of July!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Teacher: What do you do after school?
1st Student: I go and buy w**... from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy c**... from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo
1st daughter - dad I am lesbian.
Dad - oh OK😒
2nd daughter - dad I am lesbian too.
Dad - ahh! Anyone in the family who loves man.
Son - yes dad I do
Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl.
Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl.
1st Message: Let's Breakup Now, Its All Over
2nd Message: Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You
The Priest who couldn't swear!
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.
On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.
On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.
It's the biggest dam I know.
Coffee drinking trio
3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.
1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.
2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.
3rd: yeah? We'll I don't even use a kettle. I chew the coffee beans, drink some water and just go sit on the stove for a while.
The teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence.
The 1st student goes.."i like the colors green, yellow and pink"
the 2nd student goes.."the grass is green, sun is yellow, and my shirt is pink"
the 3rd one, an asian, goes.."my phone went green green so i pinked it up and said 'yellow?'"
Three children talking to each other...
The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."
The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."
The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."
3 Ants
3 Ants are competing in a race. Ant #1 wins and exclaims, "I'm in 1st place". Shortly after ant #2 ends the race and says, "I finished in 2nd place". Eventually ant #3 finishes the race and states "I won the race".
How is this possible?
Ant #3 is a liar.
Two old guys are sitting on a porch
1st guy: It's nice out eh?
2nd guy: Is it? I think I'll take mine out then
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."
The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of f**... on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite him over to play Monopoly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Laughter is the 2nd best
Boy:- Laughter is the 2nd best method to convince a girl to have s**.....
Girl:- What's the 1st one??
Boy:- A Knife.
Girl:- HaHaHa, you're funny..
Boy:- Good choice
A heart transplant
A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On a pasture there are cows, a mom cow and 3 calfs
The 1st calf asks it's mom, "Why is my name Petunia?". The mom cow replied "Because a petunia fell on your head when you were born". The 2nd calf asked it's mom, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom replied with, "Because a Daisy fell on your head when you were born". The 3rd cow said, "REEEEEEEEEEE" and the mom said "Shut up cinderblock"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four men are stuck on a desert island...
Four men are stuck on a desert island, but one of the men suddenly drops dead.
The remaining three men decides the best way to survive is that they eat his dead body, and that they should decide who gets what by which football team they support.
The 1st guy says: "I support Liverpool, so I should get the liver"
The 2nd dude says; "I support Manchester United, so I'll eat his chest"
The 3rd male human says: "I support Arsenal, and I think I've lost my appetite..."
Old but gold ;)
Worms
Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.
College life for introverts
1st year - People are so good to me. I feel I am respected a lot! Friends are bliss!
2nd year - People are distancing from me. I guess they don't like me. I've to find new people I suppose.
3rd year - Should I change my attitude to get friends? I don't know why I get cheated everytime I trust someone.
4th year - Who needs friends? People are useless. Solitude is the best.
Guy finds a magic lamp
He rubs it and out comes a genie granting him 3 wishes!
1st wish: I want a stable job
2nd wish: I want to be driving a costly vehicle
3rd wish: I want to be surrounded by ladies
Genie makes him a bus driver
It's your grave. Have fun with it!
Before I die, I'll have 3 graves made for me.
Suppose you're walking in the graveyard, then this is what you'll see -
1st stone - Hey what's up?
You feel awkward and move to the next one that says -
2nd stone - Remember me? I'm the same guy from the last grave. The next one is also mine!
You think that this is messed up but you move to the next grave which just blows your mind. It says
3rd stone - Now I have a question for you. WHICH ONE OF THESE HAS MY BODY ?
Accent humour, mate!
It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:
British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?
Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 guys on a plane
The 1st guy has a penny,
The 2nd guy has a quarter,
The 3rd guy has a bomb,
They all throw them out of the plane then land to go see where they had fallen,
The 1st guy finds a kid crying and asks him why he is crying the kid replies "I was just playing here and a penny hit me on the head,
The 2nd guy also found a kid crying and asked him why he was crying and the kid said "I was standing here watching birds and a quarter hit me on the head"
The 3rd guy had found a kid laughing and asked him why he was laughing the kid said "I f**... and the building behind me blew up"
A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.
The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.
The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.
Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?
The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 men in an airport
1st man says, "I can't find my wife." 2nd man says, "I can't find mine either, what does yours look like?" 1st man " Six foot tall, blonde, big t**..., mini skirt, high heels and a b**... tube, whats yours look like?" 2nd man says, "f**... her we'll look for yours.
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor(this is a joke in my native language idk how good it can be translated)
Two guys moving a futon to the 100th floor.
At the 25th floor:
1st guy: T..th...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive
At the 50th floor:
1st guy:T..thi...
2nd guy: Tell me when we arrive we dont have time
At the 100th floor:
2nd guy: So what did u want to tell me?
1st guy:T..this is the wrong hotel
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 dung beetles meet
1st one asks; How's it going?
2nd replies; Same s**..., different day.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 married ladies are having lunch in a coffee shop...
One lady whispers 'I'm getting a b**... job'
2nd lady: 'That's nothing, I'm getting my assh\*le bleached'
1st lady says: 'Really? I can't imagine your husband as a blonde'
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
A guy buys a new ferrari
he takes it out to drive, and the next day comes back to the dealership with a broken gearbox
the dealer says that the insurance covers it so they get it fixed and he goes back out
the next day the gearbox breaks again, and the dealer once again says no problem and gets it fixed. the guy goes back out once again.
on the third day, the guy manages to break it again. the dealer, understandably upset, asks him what he did.
the guy says 'well I was changing up gears from 1st, to 2nd etc till I got to 6th, then changed to rocket mode and there was a loud bang?'
2 kids in a hospital outside the operating room.
1st kid asks "What are you in here for?"
2nd kid says "Getting my tonsils out, I'm a little nervous."
1st kid says "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep, when you wake up they give you Jelly & ice cream. It's a breeze."
2nd kid asks "What are you here for?"
1st kid says "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the 2nd kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!!!"
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Old joke
Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.
1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."
2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not s**...! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old winos were talking about the days when they pass...
1st wino says, "If I go first...will you pour some wine over my grave every day?"
2nd wino says, "Sure, you bet! But do you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first??"
Three old ladies at the park
1st lady: I have the BEST son - he calls me once a week!
2nd lady: I have the best son - he gives me flowers every Sunday!
3rd lady: No, I have the best son - he sees a therapist EVERY DAY, and ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IS ME!!
Two scientists are working together
Both have different projects to work on.
1st scientist saw 1 unknown chemical. Curiously, he asked,"Bro, what and whose chemical is this?"
2nd scientist replied, "Bromine"
3 drunk guys entered a taxi
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".
The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"