18yearold Jokes

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

An old, old man goes into a confessional.

He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."

The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"

The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all sex all night long."

"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."

"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me?"

"I'm tellin' everybody!!"

My Point Exactly

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Magician!

A 18-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her.
Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."
So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her.
She asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again; a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.
Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?"
He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off.
"What will our baby be called?" she asked once more.
He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again.
After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Blaine!

72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"

A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:

"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

I once tried to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken.

When the cashier said, "sir, we can't accept this",

I said, "why? It's legal tender."

My point exactly.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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